Chuck Norris (1848 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.65 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <ddas85.at.optonline.net> (View user info) at 2005-12-13 19:48:16 EST
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He could have done it faster, but he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
User Reviews
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This one was really funny to me:
"Bullets dodge Chuck Norris."
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80435
Next time just do a quick search. That'll keep baby jesus from crying like he did when he read your post.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-12-14 08:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
=(
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-14 08:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
OLD!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:26:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I actually almost cried.
How the fuyck has this a neg?
Bullets fucking dodge chuck norries.....<dies from laughter>
---
It is horribly plagarized. That is why.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I actually almost cried.
How the fuyck has this a neg?
Bullets fucking dodge chuck norries.....<dies from laughter>
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's not funny anymore, you've actually ruined it all for me.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
hmm.. but thats similar to http://www.ubersite.com/m/80947
and neither are funny......
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've never seen that before...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate you.
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-12-14 02:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:05:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
I would sooner tear open my ballsack with my bare heads and sew a zipper into the bleeding gash using porcupine quills and thread made from the hair of dead shemale hookers, bend my flaccid cock down and insert the tip into the open face of the zipper and, with a steady hand, jerk the handle skyward and rip, catch and shred my dick in between the rusty teeth of the zipper than say a positive word about this post.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-12-14 01:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow! I haven't seen this 10 times this month!
Thanks for the Norris-News!
Toolbag.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-14 01:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:05:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
I would sooner tear open my ballsack with my bare heads and sew a zipper into the bleeding gash using porcupine quills and thread made from the hair of dead shemale hookers, bend my flaccid cock down and insert the tip into the open face of the zipper and, with a steady hand, jerk the handle skyward and rip, catch and shred my dick in between the rusty teeth of the zipper than say a positive word about this post.
wow... thats almost as frightening a thought as um, as- as anything...
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i can go to http://www.4q.cc/chuck and copy-paste too. maybe i'll do a Mr T one.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I would sooner tear open my ballsack with my bare heads and sew a zipper into the bleeding gash using porcupine quills and thread made from the hair of dead shemale hookers, bend my flaccid cock down and insert the tip into the open face of the zipper and, with a steady hand, jerk the handle skyward and rip, catch and shred my dick in between the rusty teeth of the zipper than say a positive word about this post.
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-12-13 23:03:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I think someone has a little man-crush going on
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HadToBeDone: Proof that just because you're male, doesn't mean you don't have a vagina.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
www.ubersite.com/m/80943
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:15:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2kie die
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:53:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're gay. We get it.
Now shut the fuck up.
---------------------------------------
Ooooooohhhhh. That's what he meant! Thanks Schlongy. Now I understand!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:53:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're gay. We get it.
Now shut the fuck up.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:42:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jack_Burton (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:44:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
You take it from Jack, Chuck Norris was a fag,
================================================
Gonna have to go along with Jack on this one.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:04:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_Burton (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You take it from Jack, Chuck Norris was a fag,
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
saw it on bangedup 2 weeks ago.....been done before that....
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I haven't read this one yet it was hilarious!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Everything you ever wanted to know about PizzaEagle
User id: 1815
Registered on or around: 2003-07-23 15:04:41
# Messages posted: 17
# Reviews written: 446
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 425
# Hits: 16420
Average rating of all messages: 0.27
-----
Proof that a low user id doesn't mean you don't suck.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Chuck Norris just called. He says for five bucks and a sixpack
he will kill ddas85.at.optonline.net.
I got the cash and the beer. . .
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He could have done it faster, but he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sigh*
I thought it was original...
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:05:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
again?
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:04:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this seriously needs to stop. no one fucking cares that you copied and pasted some fucking website, especially one the entire fucking world has seen. get a fucking clue and use it to find some cyanide.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:00:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:54:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
You read this site every week? Thats a little sad, jonnyx
-----
Look at my reviews, I read this site EVERY DAY, dumbass...who the fuck are you again?
Why aren't you +2ing my posts?????
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is the 3rd time I've seen this done on ubersite in the last 30 days.
You've earned -2's for life for this
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Chuck Norris +2
I don't know why it's an Auto +2 but the last time I questioned it Chuck Norris roundhoused me and I died. Thankfully I'm a scientologist and was reincarnated as one of Chuck Norris's many unknown illegitimate children.
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You read this site every week? Thats a little sad, jonnyx
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:49:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
It's been done.
----
not only that, this just got done LAST FUCKING WEEK.
What's next, people are going to start plagarizing YESTERDAY'S POSTS?????
86yfgvivo0 6f
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-12-13 19:49:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's been done.