Ubercontest Redux: Offensive joke contest! (2976 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.62 on 93 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AlahAckbar (View user info) at 2005-12-13 19:58:49 EST
Alright uberites: I, the famed champ of the long ago ubercontest "What is your most offensive joke?" is now passing it on.
I want to hear it: Your most offensive joke. Dead baby's, Killing Jews, beating black guys, whatever you have. The more offensive the better. Being I won the last one, I'm going to judge this one. Anything goes here, and the winner gets a prize.
Of course, it's an uberprize, so it's just ratings. But the jokes are half the fun!
I'll judge @ 8 pm tomorrow, Dec 13th, EST. Entry's must be posted by that time.
1st place: +2's on your 3 posts
2nd place: +2's on your last 2 posts
3rd place: +2 on your last post.
Offend me, if you dare!
User Reviews
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-12-24 09:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
am not (damn)
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-12-24 08:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A bum in tattered clothing is standing in line at a supermarket waiting to pay for his pint of Wild Irish. As he holds his panhandled money he stares intently at the woman in front of him as she cashes-out. The bum thens turns his attention to the counter and watches as the woman purchases a can of tomatoes, a bottle of shampoo, a box of noodles, and a few apples. Finally, the bum says to the woman "I can tell you're not married". The woman, amazed, says "Why, yes I am, how could you tell?". The bum says "You're ugly".
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-24 02:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By far in my opinion the most offensive, although not as disgusting as the winner is....
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:37:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Q. Speaking only in terms of efficiency, who is the greatest cook in the history of the world?
A. Adolf Hitler
Ratings are being dealt out right......
Meow.
-------
I don't mind third place, but the rules of your competition stated that you were looking for the most offensive joke, not the most disgusting. As you can see, you claimed that this was by far the most offensive in your opinion. I call shenanigans on account of mid-competition rule changing!!
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2005-12-16 20:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:28:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
and yet you won the last contest with a joke just like that
Really? I didn't hear my joke until I was 21.....
Of course, I wasn't the judge in the last one, and I was the judge in this one. Maybe the last judge hadn't heard any jokes while he went to school or something.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and yet you won the last contest with a joke just like that
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Echo, should have mentioned in the rules that jokes that I've been hearing since my first day of kindergarten are disqualified on the basis that they are old. very, very old.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
For the rest of that joke, please see the documentary "The Aristocrats," or go here:
http://www.spschat.com/RareMedia/videos/southparkjoke-thearistocrats.wmv
I would type it out but it may make me sick.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So a man, his wife, their son and daughter, and the family dog walk into a talent agency...
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2005-12-16 01:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i demand a recount
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-15 22:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
one day god asked me to walk with him. he took my hand and we walked along a trail clouded by trees. "you see this trail, child? this is me. i walk through the darkness and pain with you, leading you to the light. i keep away the boughs and branches, the farthest reaching do not sway into my path". the wind blew a violent gust, yet the trees respected god's trail and did not dare shake in the midst of him.
following this we came upon a great bridge. god turned to me, "notice the bridge swaying in the wind. yet it is held sturdy, despite it's constant swaying and buckling. i am the cables and rods that support this bridge, and this bridge is my children. wherever the path they follow, i am holding them in my arms." he smiled and the wind calmed to a shallow breeze. the bridge rested and the sun poked through the clouds.
then we came upon a great river. it stretched one hundred miles across and was one hundred miles deep. i'm a gambling man, and god knew this. "would you like to place a bet, child?" he turned to me, with a crook in his smile and a sudden youthfulness in his eyes.
"yes god, i believe i would." i declared, feeling bold and confident.
"well, what do you suppose we wager. i can give you anything. eternal freedom, the cure to your ailments, riches beyond your wildest dreams! i could walk you through the darkest of shadows and feed your starving children! anything that you desire i can give you, just ask!"
"i... i... i be... i bet you one hundred bucks you can't walk across that river", i stammered. i looked down at the ground and kicked a pebble into the dark waters and watched the ripples become devoured in it's depths.
"ha! child, have you not read matthew 14:22? are you sure you wish to place this bet? i should like to think you can think of something better than betting me i cannot walk across a river!" he laughed and turned to me, gave me a nod and began to step out onto the great river.
i never told god about the alligators.
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2005-12-15 20:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken. Not quite as funny now that Reeve is dead, but still...
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-15 19:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How many battered women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one if she knows what's good for her.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-15 19:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the difference between a faggot and a refrigerator?
a fridge doesn't fart when you take meat out of it.
or
Why don't women typically wear watches?
There's a clock on the fucking stove.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-15 16:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:33:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
This leper goes into a bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me." The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?" "A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble." "Coming right up, sir." The bartender pours the drink, then goes to the area behind the bar, ostensibly to wash some glasses, but the leper can hear him puking his guts out. When the bartender returns a moment later, wiping the corner of his mouth with a rag, the leper says, "Look, I told you I would understand. You didn't have to go through that for my sake!" To which the bartender replied, "I know that, sir, and I would like to assure you that I would have had no trouble, but for the last 5 minutes or so, the drunk next to you has been dipping his crackers in your arm
----
I just puked in my mouth a little...no...wait.... ... ... a lot
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's transparent and lays in a ditch?
A nigger with the shit beat out of him.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:21:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she's a woman.
----------------------------------
HAHAHAHAHA!
Sammy Davis Jr. got on a bus in Mobile, Alabama. The driver said "Get to the back of the bus, nigger." Sammy said "But I'm not really black - I'm a Jew." The driver said, "Well in that case... get off."
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:51:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
A young man looking for companionship goes to the local brothel. He asks the woman behind the counter for a blonde and she tells him to wait in room 2 and she'll send someone to his room in a minute. He goes to the room and is waiting when he sees a small bowl of tomatos sitting on the table. Since he's hungry, he started eating a few. After a minute the blonde walked in, took one look at him, screamed hysterically and ran out. The man was furious at her rudeness; after all, this is a whorehouse. He goes to talk to the woman out front.
"What the hell!" he says. "That bitch just ran out on me for no reason."
"Well, that's strange." she replies. "What were you doing?"
"Nothing. I was just sitting in there eating tomatos when she came in, looked at me and ran out screaming."
"Sir, those weren't tomatos, those were last week's abortions."
=======================================
this joke is all old and busted.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe this one didn't get a mention, man.....
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:51:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
A young man looking for companionship goes to the local brothel. He asks the woman behind the counter for a blonde and she tells him to wait in room 2 and she'll send someone to his room in a minute. He goes to the room and is waiting when he sees a small bowl of tomatos sitting on the table. Since he's hungry, he started eating a few. After a minute the blonde walked in, took one look at him, screamed hysterically and ran out. The man was furious at her rudeness; after all, this is a whorehouse. He goes to talk to the woman out front.
"What the hell!" he says. "That bitch just ran out on me for no reason."
"Well, that's strange." she replies. "What were you doing?"
"Nothing. I was just sitting in there eating tomatos when she came in, looked at me and ran out screaming."
"Sir, those weren't tomatos, those were last week's abortions."
Submitted by thinning_temples (user info) at 2005-12-15 08:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy:
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:12:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
I work retail in a candy store. I had a customer come in to buy some chocolates about 2 weeks ago. He asked if they were Kosher, so I showed him which are/aren't and helped him make some selections. I struck up a conversation to find out what else I could add to the sale and he told me that his entire family gets together for Hanakuh (sp?) since they are all pretty devout Jews. We chatted a bit more about that (since I had nothing better to do) and he eventually said that is father at died as Auschwitz. I told him that my grandfather had died there too. He asked if I was Jewish, so I told him, no, he fell off a guard tower.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2005-12-14 22:06:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Winner, for telling me a joke that made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2005-12-14 01:15:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do women have periods?
So I can brush my teeth.
Second place, because it made me throw up in my mouth, but not nearly as much as the winner.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:33:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
This leper goes into a bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me." The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?" "A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble." "Coming right up, sir." The bartender pours the drink, then goes to the area behind the bar, ostensibly to wash some glasses, but the leper can hear him puking his guts out. When the bartender returns a moment later, wiping the corner of his mouth with a rag, the leper says, "Look, I told you I would understand. You didn't have to go through that for my sake!" To which the bartender replied, "I know that, sir, and I would like to assure you that I would have had no trouble, but for the last 5 minutes or so, the drunk next to you has been dipping his crackers in your arm.
By far in my opinion the most offensive, although not as disgusting as the winner is....
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:37:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Q. Speaking only in terms of efficiency, who is the greatest cook in the history of the world?
A. Adolf Hitler
Ratings are being dealt out right......
Meow.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-12-14 22:06:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am quoting this from someone below. I copied and pasted for an e/m
and i lost the quote...
I work retail in a candy store. I had a customer come in to buy some chocolates about 2 weeks ago. He asked if they were Kosher, so I showed him which are/aren't and helped him make some selections. I struck up a conversation to find out what else I could add to the sale and he told me that his entire family gets together for Hanakuh (sp?) since they are all pretty devout Jews. We chatted a bit more about that (since I had nothing better to do) and he eventually said that is father at died as Auschwitz. I told him that my grandfather had died there too. He asked if I was Jewish, so I told him, no, he fell off a guard tower.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-12-14 20:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And secondly just to offend....
What's the similarities between niggers and apples?
Both look good hanging from trees.
If a 180 pound nigger, a 15oz dead baby and a stinky 165 pound jew all jump off
a cliff that is exactly 200 feet high, with a wind velocity of 10 mphs....who will
land first......
who cares. :)
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-12-14 20:44:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's the best part of sucking your father off, stabing yourself in the
neck right away and having your mother suck his cum out through stab holes?
You die.
Submitted by Skribbez (user info) at 2005-12-14 20:14:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
uuum one more just to piss people off.
Why didnt superman stop the 9/11 attacks?
Because he's a cripple in a wheelchair.
wait... he's dead now. thats not funny.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-14 18:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:21:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she's a woman.
Submitted by Rope (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What's brown and sits in the attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
------
What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Nothing.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The guard tower joke may have been told, and that part is a true story. But the joke itself has been around for ages.
---
What does NASA stand for?
Need another seven astronauts
---
How do you know if Mexicans have been in your yard?
Your trash is missing
---
How do you know when Falmingos have moved in nest door to you?
There are mexicans on the front lawn
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2005-12-14 14:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
How many Jews can you fit in a car?
Four in the seats, a couple thousand in the ashtray.
What's better than ten dead babies in a garbage can?
One dead baby in ten garbage cans.
A Mexican, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and a hardworking black guy are in four corners of a room. A hundred dollars in cash are in the middle of the room. Who gets the money first?
The Mexican. THe other 3 don't exist.
A man finds a lamp in the attic, rubs it and discovers it's a genie lamp. He makes his three wishes, then goes to bed. He wakes up the next morning in a giant mansion. His first wish was for a huge house. He goes downstairs to find a gigantic pile of money on the floor. His second wish was to be rich. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. He answers it, and two men in KKK robes seize him and violently beat him. They drag him out to the front lawn, beat him some more, then hang him from the nearest tree. What was his third wish?
...To be hung like a black man.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-14 14:04:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This has my vote so far!!!! Being true made it even better, if in fact it is true.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-14 08:53:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
(This is true, but also a good joke)
My friend Lincoln was telling a couple of friends and I how his father was in a concentration camp in World War 2. I put my arm around his shoulders and told him, "I know your pain. My grandfather died in a concentration camp." Lincoln turned to me and told me that we share the same pain knowing that our grandparents were killed in nearly same ways.
I replied "Not really. Your grandfather was going to the gas chambers. Mine fell off the guard tower."
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's better than winning the Gold in the Special Olympics?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not being retarded.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the difference between Tubgirl and an aborted fetus?
About 67.63 fluid ounces of anal leakage.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
D_R made me laugh for the first time this week
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Right now it's down to Echo or proofofpurchase
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't hate black people. I think everybody should own one.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This leper goes into a bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me." The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?" "A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble." "Coming right up, sir." The bartender pours the drink, then goes to the area behind the bar, ostensibly to wash some glasses, but the leper can hear him puking his guts out. When the bartender returns a moment later, wiping the corner of his mouth with a rag, the leper says, "Look, I told you I would understand. You didn't have to go through that for my sake!" To which the bartender replied, "I know that, sir, and I would like to assure you that I would have had no trouble, but for the last 5 minutes or so, the drunk next to you has been dipping his crackers in your arm.
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
okay, seriously guys, i'm getting tired of all the black jokes. my best friend when i was growing up was black. then daddy sold him.
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what's red, bubbly, and scratches at the glass?
- a baby in a microwave
---------------------
what's blue and wiggles around in the corner?
- a baby in a bag
what's green and sits in the corner?
- same baby, three weeks later
---------------------
what's worse than nailing a baby to a tree
- ripping it down
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:18:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn it I read below someone used my line as well! Well I actually did mine in real life. Here is another.
---------------
A chinese guy, a black guy, and a spanish guy are in a car, who is driving?
The police officer.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:12:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This guy's pager goes off, it's the hospital, and he assumes they're calling to tell him his child is on the way. He rushes to te hospital, runs to the nursery window, and beams as he sees the cradle with his name stenciled on it and the little blue-wrapped bundle inside.
A moment later, a nurse comes in the back door of the nursery, gives him a wave and a smile, and picks up his son from the crib. He's amazed, and can't keep repeating, "Oh my god, I'm a father" to himself when the nurse suddenly drops the baby on the floor and punts it across the room where it lands with a dead smack.
The man bursts in the room in a rampage, screaming, "You fucking bitch, that's my son, what the fuck are you doing?!"
The nurse turns to him and says, "Sir, calm down, I was only fucking with you. The kid was born dead!"
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-14 08:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
(This is true, but also a good joke)
My friend Lincoln was telling a couple of friends and I how his father was in a concentration camp in World War 2. I put my arm around his shoulders and told him, "I know your pain. My grandfather died in a concentration camp." Lincoln turned to me and told me that we share the same pain knowing that our grandparents were killed in nearly same ways.
I replied "Not really. Your grandfather was going to the gas chambers. Mine fell off the guard tower."
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-12-14 08:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's yellow and sleeps alone?
Yoko Ono. No, wait, that's not right...
Why don't the neo con's eat shit and die?
Because 51% of Americunt re-elected them. Now 'THAT'S' offensive.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-14 07:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
An aboriginal (native australian) woman is sitting on the beach, completely naked and eating a watermelon. A tourist walks over to her and asks "How does it feel sitting here naked eating a watermelon? Does the gentle breeze caress the inside of your thighs? It must be liberating being able to sit and eat naked, as god intended."
The aboriginal woman replies "Shit, I don't know about all that. But having my flaps out sure keeps all the flies off my watermelon."
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
He's Black.
Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't *know* he's black.
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did the little girl fall off the swings?
She didn't have any arms.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 05:58:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
----------------
This is the best one. I'm going to tell this one at Christmas.
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2005-12-14 05:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Q, What do all battered housewives have in common?
A, THEY DONT FUCKING LISTEN!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Might not be obvious to the American brethren but....
What is pink and smells of Holly?
Ian Huntley's Dick.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3236674.stm (reference)
-Dave
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If we're really looking to offend here:
Urbane has a beautiful cunt.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once had a job babysitting abortions. It wasn't very difficult, they don't move much, and if they make too much noise, hey, it's heard to hear them from those little jars.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:37:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Q. Speaking only in terms of efficiency, who is the greatest cook in the history of the world?
A. Adolf Hitler.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-14 01:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you do after licking my balls?
Suck my cock.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-14 01:22:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you do after eating a vegetable???
Put it back in its wheel chair.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-14 01:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you do after licking a bald pussy???
Put it's diaper back on.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2005-12-14 01:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do women have periods?
So I can brush my teeth.
------------------------------------
I give it to EchoBoxing. Well done chum.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-14 00:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What's a leper in the bathtub?
Stew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An unfortunate couple had a son who was born with no legs. What did they name him?
Neil.
Their daughter was born with one leg. What did they name her?
Eileen.
~~~~~~~~~~
What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.
~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
If her ankles swell up when she farts.
~~~~~~~
A guy wandered into the women's rest room and casually unzipped his fly.
"Sir," said a woman sternly. "This is for ladies!"
"Yeah?" he said. "So's this!"
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:30:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alah - thanks for the +2 on http://www.ubersite.com/m/80342 i appreciate it.
good luck with that story tomorrow. tell it as a "when i was still in school i worked..." because then its believable. whenever i use it people always look at me and ask if i actually said that. i kick them for being stupid.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:21:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she's a woman.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the best thing about fucking twenty seven year olds?
There's twenty of them.
-----------------------
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
-----------------------
What's the worst thing about fucking a woman who has a bald vagina?
Trying to put the diaper back on properly.
-----------------------
What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
-----------------------
Why do women take longer to reach orgasm than men?
Who gives a shit?
------------------------
Why did Hitler commit suicide?
They delivered his gas bill.
------------------------
What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 lbs.
------------------------
Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
They don't want to wear out the camel.
------------------------
fin.
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:12:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
I work retail in a candy store. I had a customer come in to buy some chocolates about 2 weeks ago. He asked if they were Kosher, so I showed him which are/aren't and helped him make some selections. I struck up a conversation to find out what else I could add to the sale and he told me that his entire family gets together for Hanakuh (sp?) since they are all pretty devout Jews. We chatted a bit more about that (since I had nothing better to do) and he eventually said that is father at died as Auschwitz. I told him that my grandfather had died there too. He asked if I was Jewish, so I told him, no, he fell off a guard tower.
Really, really good. I literally laughed so hard I cried. I'm going to use this one during class tommorrow. Thanks for helping me reinforce my image of being a complete and total heartless douchebag! You get a +2 just for that.
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I work retail in a candy store. I had a customer come in to buy some chocolates about 2 weeks ago. He asked if they were Kosher, so I showed him which are/aren't and helped him make some selections. I struck up a conversation to find out what else I could add to the sale and he told me that his entire family gets together for Hanakuh (sp?) since they are all pretty devout Jews. We chatted a bit more about that (since I had nothing better to do) and he eventually said that is father at died as Auschwitz. I told him that my grandfather had died there too. He asked if I was Jewish, so I told him, no, he fell off a guard tower.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-12-13 22:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Macintosh apple?
I don't cum all over an apple before I eat it.
Why do you always keep a bucket of hot water nearby at childbirth?
If it's stillborn, at least you can still make soup.
What's twelve inches long, has a purple head, and makes women scream?
Crib death.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Q: Why do women have pussies?
A: So men will talk to them.
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why does America not care about Hurricane Katrina victims?
because ewwwwwww, they're gross!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:20:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
how does every racist joke start?
by you looking over your shoulder
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What is that extra piece of skin around the vagina?
the girl!
Submitted by thechairnamedgod (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why did the dead baby cross the road?
it was stapled to the chicken
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you hear the one about the nigger who had an abortion and Crime Stoppers sent her a check for $500.00??????
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree about Echo.
Just... Wow.
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2005-12-13 21:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It may be a little premature, but I hereby nominate Echo's joke as one of the most vile, crude, and hilarious jokes I have ever heard.
Well done, my friend, well done indeed.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:58:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's the difference between a nigger and a bicycle?
The bike doesnt start singing when you put chains on it
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A young man looking for companionship goes to the local brothel. He asks the woman behind the counter for a blonde and she tells him to wait in room 2 and she'll send someone to his room in a minute. He goes to the room and is waiting when he sees a small bowl of tomatos sitting on the table. Since he's hungry, he started eating a few. After a minute the blonde walked in, took one look at him, screamed hysterically and ran out. The man was furious at her rudeness; after all, this is a whorehouse. He goes to talk to the woman out front.
"What the hell!" he says. "That bitch just ran out on me for no reason."
"Well, that's strange." she replies. "What were you doing?"
"Nothing. I was just sitting in there eating tomatos when she came in, looked at me and ran out screaming."
"Sir, those weren't tomatos, those were last week's abortions."
Submitted by Jack_Burton (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I once lent my buddy Wang my truck but he drove it off the edge of a cliff and died.
Damn slopes.
Submitted by SteveJohnson (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the best part about fucking a 12 year old boy?
Closing your eyes and pretending he's five.
What's the worst part about fucking a 12 year old boy?
Wiping the blood off of your clown suit.
What's the difference between a table and a dead baby?
YOU CAN'T FUCK A TABLE.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:39:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man and his wife are sitting at a table near the bar. Wife goes up to get a few drinks. Bartender says "I would love to caress that set of tits." Woman pissed off goes to husband and tells her what was said. Husband blows it off. Later on she goes back for another round. Bartender says "I would love to lick you from top to bottom." Once again, the wife returns, pissed off, to the husband and repeats the bartenders statement. The husband comments that he will kick the bartenders ass if he does it again. An hour passes by and the wife returns for one more round. The bartender says "I would like to flip you over, fill your pussy full of beer and drink it all out in one gulp." The wife, highly offended, returns to her husband and tells him what was said. The husband sits there quietly. The wife says, "I thought you were going to kick his ass if he said anything else?" Husband replies, "I fuck with no man that can drink that much beer!"
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Y DID TEH CHIKN CROS TEH ROAD?!
SO TEH BLAK MAN CULD EAT IT WIT WATERMELN.
BWAHAHW$HE!H!#
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the definition of bravery?
Having a case of diarrhea and then chancing a fart.
----------
How do you turn a dishwasher into a lawnmower?
Give the bitch a pair of scissors.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:37:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HO DO U SAVE A BLAK MAN FROM DROWNIGN?!
TAK UR FOOT OFF HIZ HED.
AHAH@#H@$H!
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What expression does a baby make when you put him in the blender?
I don't know, I was too busy jerking off.
=========================
What's pink and goes up and down in a crib?
A pedophile's ass.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WUT IZ UGLY AN STEELZZ TVS?!@
BLAK PPLS! HAHAHAW#H@1
Submitted by Wallstreet (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whats the diference between a cherry red convertible and 10,000 bloody and moldy aborted fetuses?
I don't have a cherry red convertible in my garage.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus and Moses were standing by the Red Sea, and Moses says "Hey Jesus, I still got it." and parts the water. Jesus, not to be outdone, says "Hey, I still got it." and starts walking out to the center of the sea. He gets about fifty feet out, and starts to sink. Moses waits a minute, laughing to himself, then parts the sea to walk out and save Jesus. "I don't know what happened..." said Jesus. "It's okay," Moses said. "The last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."
Oh yeah, and what do you call a black guy that flies a plane?
A pilot, you fuckin' racist.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How long does it take for a black woman to take out the trash?
9 months
(Had to resort to racism, sorry...)
Submitted by Skribbez (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do niggers love basketball so much?
-It has there three favorite things: running, stealing and shooting.
how do you get a black man out of a tree?
-You cut the rope.
What do life and a bowl of jelly beans have in common?
-Nobody like the black ones
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what's the best thing about fucking twenty six year olds?
there's twenty of them.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:22:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a sort of visual joke, so bear with me....
*pretend to bite something on your palm* What's this?
Jesus biting his nails.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:22:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How do you make a 5 year old cry twice in one night?
Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The 3 year old in the trunk.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:20:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do nigger's have such big nostrils?
God had to hold them somewhere when he spraypainted them.
---
What's the worst thing you can say to a black jew?
Get to the back of the oven!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:17:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How do you stop a Nun from going through a swinging door?
Ram a Javellin through her back.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:13:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What do you call that useless piece of skin that hangs off the end of a man's penis?
A woman
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Q- What do you say when you see your TV floating around the house at night?
A- "Drop it, nigger!"
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Two flys sitting on a dog shit, one farts and the other says "Ohhhhhhhh gross not while im eating".
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-13 20:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?
Coughing up someone elses Phlegm.