I Dreamed Jack McCallum Was Tom Jones And He Got Me a Penthouse in Vegas (762 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.16 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wisher (View user info) at 2005-12-14 02:42:53 EST
You know those smackable kids who call in radio stations and say "Hey, will play that song by Rage Against the Machine, "The Ghost of Tom Jones?" And if the announcer is cool he'll say something like: "I'd love to you little *beeep* -ing moron but it's called "The Ghost of Tom Jode." *click*
Well I'm kinda one of those, although I never call radio stations since people who do seem like losers and I just buy the cd if I like something. But I heard the above enough to have TOM JONES branded on my brain. Unfortunately.
My mom has all these sleazy Tom Jones porn-star-looking-bastard albums, and whenever I'm 100% sure nobody will be home, sometimes I, you know... I play one. Ok I said it. {So Rage has created a teen-something cult audience for Tom Jones, probably}.
But I only like one song, "She's A Lady". That song just ass-over-tits rocks. But I don't get any alone time here since the hurricane {see my Bosh Experiment http://www.ubersite.com/m/80564#1729778 if you care why}.
So about the title. Actually I don't know Jack about Jack, and have only reviewed 3 or 4 of his non-political yammering posts, the "funnish" ones, since I've been reading stuff here. The last, before his gay cowboy movie post tonight, was the gas chamber pix one he posted, though now that I said that it's probably a lethal injection table. Anyhow that's the last thing I saw before bed last night.
*fade to dream~~~~woooo~~~~~~*
Jack was coming over for a date with my mom, and I was sneaking around the fields that surround the ancient house we're temporarily living in. It was night and I was gonna spy on them. I saw a black limo slinking up the hillside drive, and I headed off through wooded lot toward the estate.
I climbed over the rusty iron fence beneath groves of spooky oaks. I was in vintage tiered skirts {brushed charcoal cotton} with antique high-buttoned boots and matching cropped bodice laced from my navel up. {I really dress like that, btw, not because it makes me a goth/emo magnet and I love fucking with those types, but because I like it.} Anyhow, smoke-blue fog lapped my ankles, and a cliff fell away to my right with waves breaking below. Very gothic. I walked like a period cinema ghost through the trees, and a vast sweep of weedy lawn ended in towering darkness.
I squatted in crunchy gold sage, appraising the ancient estate's hellishness from this new view. The centuries-old mansion rose through webs of ivy to a dark crown of spires, and crouched atop the cliff like a seductive nightmare. Dark-jutting gables shadowed from various levels of its wicked roofing.
...What stinks?
Distracted, I sniffed in my bodice, then reached under my skirts to scratch. The itching tingled to a devouring satisfaction best left alone. I looked at my hand, fighting a maddening urge to smell it.
I slipped around the grounds invisible as a... real hard to see thing, on through the stone archway of a back courtyard. Candle light flickered beyond the ledge of a second floor window, its swing-out windows open. Gripping vines, I climbed to stand balanced atop the high courtyard wall, then leapt out to the ledge and pulled myself up to sit in the window sill. I sniffed my fingers, then peered in through the gap between draperies.
A curvy bedroom of dark wood glimmered in flames from a carved stone fireplace big enough to roast a rhino. Within a fireside inglenook there stood Jack/Tom Jones, his back to me beside a crate of books.
"Next time," came his voice as he closed a book with a dusty thud, "try the front door."
Huh?! I reared back almost falling.
The draperies spread like black wings, held open by a lean shadow backlit in flames.
"Shit!" I hollered toppling backwards.
Tom Jones grabbed my boot, and I hung swinging upside down over the courtyard. My bell-shaped skirts dropped open over me. I just hung there in a tent of shadows; then, realizing I wasn't wearing panties and that he was getting an eyeful, my voice broke in frustration:
"Just drop me. Seriously." I did a few half-hearted mule kicks with my free leg.
Tom stood on the windowsill, then swung me up letting go as he leapt down to the courtyard.
I fell screaming.
He caught me above the cobbles, his knees bending to land with the grace of a cat.
My hands were knotted in my hair and I called him a crazy bastard. My mom was dead, I knew it. He'd killed her, but in the dream I was glad. The courtyard became the carport with a black limo awaiting. He started singing, "Well she's all you'd ever want, she's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinnerrrrr."
We drove route 66 to Vegas, singing all his songs. People kept talking to him on the limo cb radio, so I heard everything. Bluto and Shitfuck kept laughing and saying "She had to google fucking Richard Pryor! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I kept saying it was the other guy I googled, but Tom wouldn't give me the micraphone.
We ate Hard Rock where he stood on the table and sang and women threw their panties.
He gave me a brochure of penthouses and told me to pick out the most expensive, that he'd settle for no less. I told him that meant there wasn't really a choice, but he was ordering me a giant cheeseburger and didn't hear. He turned into my dad and told me I shouldn't eat such junk, that Richard Pryor would be alive if not for cheeseburgers.
I awoke in my swanky penthouse, and the giant screen tv was showing some hockey player crying because Tom Jones had taken me from him. The screen got smaller and smaller until it was my real TV and my mom was knocking, asking if I'd been stealing her cigarettes.
Such is dream-life in the fast land. Give me Johnny Depp any day.
User Reviews
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-19 02:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-14 19:55:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-14 19:39:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom Jones kicks major fucking ass - I saw his show at the MGM Grand a couple years back - best show I've seen in Vegas.
The guy is a machine, just pounds out one song after another.
I highly recommend checking him out.
________________________________________________
Yes. He's great. We old fuckers must stick together.
**********
Never saw this, but really his only rocking song is "She's a Laaaady!"
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-14 19:55:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-14 19:39:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom Jones kicks major fucking ass - I saw his show at the MGM Grand a couple years back - best show I've seen in Vegas.
The guy is a machine, just pounds out one song after another.
I highly recommend checking him out.
________________________________________________
Yes. He's great. We old fuckers must stick together.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-14 19:39:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom Jones kicks major fucking ass - I saw his show at the MGM Grand a couple years back - best show I've seen in Vegas.
The guy is a machine, just pounds out one song after another.
I highly recommend checking him out.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-14 19:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Talkin' about the little lady,
and the lady is wrong. . "
It is spelled Joad. I have the book right here.
Right fuckin' here.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She's a lady.
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oa
She's a lady.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-14 09:29:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I woke up this morning remembering a fragment of a dream where I told some kid, "Your momma never wore panties, and look what happened to her."
Now it all makes sense.
(The +2 is for a well-written post, obviously done by someone who reads actual books.)
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-14 05:57:41 (#)
Ranking: 1
i fully confess to having never read grapes of wrath, so i'm comfortable believing the character in that book may be tom jode.
however, the springsteen/guthrie song is clearly called tom joad. not that it matters anyway.
********
The old b&w movie "Grapes of Wrath" starring Henry Fonda is scary, to me in more ways than one. I'd heard Rage Against the Machine's song, and read "Grapes" in high school, but never put 2 and 2 together until I heard Fonda's soliloquy in that movie, which is what Rage uses in their song when they say:
Wherever you see a cop beating a guy,
Wherever a hungry newborn baby dies.
Wherever there's a fight against the blood and hatred in the air,
Look for me Ma, I'll be there.
When Fonda says this in the movie, it's just hardcore chilly. I seriously cried.
I have no idea why this silly ass post brought this up, but now am glad it did.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-14 05:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i fully confess to having never read grapes of wrath, so i'm comfortable believing the character in that book may be tom jode.
however, the springsteen/guthrie song is clearly called tom joad. not that it matters anyway.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 05:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:56:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Tom Jones I'll openly admit to loving, but I do have a similar guilty pleasure: Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. I picked up every record they ever made at a Goodwill for about 50 cents total, a couple years ago, and believe me it's just as effective.
********
We have similar stores here, my fave is Discount City- vinyl albums for 25 cents, and lots of old books and insane old dresses for almost nothing. I found a Second Empire replica {the kind one would pay $600 for at the Antique Boutique in NY, with extra brass buttons sewn into the hem, for weight and to have extras} for $40. I buy wedding dresses and tie dye them like the old tie-dyed 70s t-shirts.
Herb Alpert, can't say I know of him but like his first name!! Ha. I'll listen to him and give him a "test drive".
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tom Jones I'll openly admit to loving, but I do have a similar guilty pleasure: Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. I picked up every record they ever made at a Goodwill for about 50 cents total, a couple years ago, and believe me it's just as effective.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:37:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyway. Tom Jones is still good stuff, never be ashamed to admit it.
I think of it as catchy and, in a pinch, ripe for sarcastically quoting.
Women, however, automatically shed their clothes on the first note.
Power like that, you should never have to sheepishly admit wielding.
******
I still never let my friends know that i like "She's A Lady," though they'd probably be like you and agree that it kicks. He's so ultra cheese, though, like Neil Diamond. I secretly love him, too!
"Cracklin' Rose" is like the best song. Most people think he's singing about a girl, when it's actually a cheap brand of wine. What a song.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:27:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Today I am going to play with words.
******
This is the Word of the day on Merriam-Webster: (m-w.com)
lagniappe • \LAN-yap\ • noun
: a small gift given a customer by a merchant at the time of a purchase; broadly : something given or obtained gratuitously or by way of good measure
Example sentence:
The Garcia family's store always has the best holiday-themed lagniappes; this year with a $20 purchase you receive a hand-painted snowman figurine.
****
We have a restaurant here called Louisiana Lagniappe {though it's on Pleasure Isle, Al. It's 3 star so I can't eat there often, but the gumbo. Mouth orgasm.
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyway. Tom Jones is still good stuff, never be ashamed to admit it.
I think of it as catchy and, in a pinch, ripe for sarcastically quoting.
Women, however, automatically shed their clothes on the first note.
Power like that, you should never have to sheepishly admit wielding.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:26:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:01:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:42:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
....What I can't believe is that you come on here admitting to being one of those mis-naming radio caller dumbasses, and then try to refute people who call you a moron.
**********
I said I'm NOT one of them, that I buy the cds. I hear that request all the time though, and dj's always go off on the caller. Funny.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
be sure to wash your hands afterwards
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Today I am going to play with words.
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:01:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:42:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
It's "The Ghost of Tom Joad," you fucking turd. And it's a Springsteen cover. Go fuck yourself.
I didn't read past the Jode typo.
That is all. No, wait: Y HALO THAR BUTTSECKS
Now, that is all.
*******
I think you should re-read your review, and The Grapes of Wrath. There was no typo.
------------------
Google tells me it's both. And it's a cover of a Springsteen cover of Woody Guthrie.
What I can't believe is that you come on here admitting to being one of those mis-naming radio caller dumbasses, and then try to refute people who call you a moron.
"Y HALO THAR UBER, I AM A FUCKING TOOL"
"yes, you certainly are. -2 die."
"WTF where do you get off saying that, you don't even know me"
Good stuff.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:20:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:09:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I apologize for these idiots.
They don't usually know how to rate a thing until I get to it.
******
Thanks rad, she just made a tiny mistake.
Also, I think posting dreams is, in general, not a good idea. The word "dream" implies something you want, even if it's not.
And this wasn't even a weird one!
*sadness* NOT! Got ya.
The first sentence should have the word "you": "Hey, will play [you] play...
********
PS: Funny Berty. (ish)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus I got to talk about my polar bear dream.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
{I really dress like that, btw, not because it makes me a goth/emo magnet and I love fucking with those types, but because I like it.}
=-------------
A likely story. Don't bother denying who you are.
Story was brilliant by the way.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yesterday I didn't have me any lunch so my boss offered me his tuna and salad. That night I dreamt that my Father turned into a stealth polar bear and was terrorising the people in the nearby village. I went down with some steak so he'd eat something other than people but some bastard had put out fish ofal.
When he ate it (in his polar bear form) he started vomiting and shitting his guts out, al la Tubgirl, all over the snow. It sprayed out both ends to about 20 ft in both directions. Then he was dead.
I was gutted.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I apologize for these idiots.
They don't usually know how to rate a thing until I get to it.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:01:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:42:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
It's "The Ghost of Tom Joad," you fucking turd. And it's a Springsteen cover. Go fuck yourself.
I didn't read past the Jode typo.
That is all. No, wait: Y HALO THAR BUTTSECKS
Now, that is all.
*******
I think you should re-read your review, and The Grapes of Wrath. There was no typo.
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-14 03:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's "The Ghost of Tom Joad," you fucking turd. And it's a Springsteen cover. Go fuck yourself.
I didn't read past the Jode typo.
That is all. No, wait: Y HALO THAR BUTTSECKS
Now, that is all.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-14 02:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
what...... was.... this.... abouts?