An Ode to Vic: Perverted Master of Pranks, and the Theory of 18 (702 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2005-12-14 10:19:15 EST
My first full time job was a fairly interesting one. Basically, I worked for a debt collection company doing bits and pieces of everything. Among other things, I evicted people from houses and served legal documentation on people who insisted on avoiding payment. Obviously some people got riled up, some threatened me, and some simply came to the nearest window bearing an erect penis and threatened to rape me.
Truth be known, I quite enjoyed being paid to cruise around town in a company car and only work a couple of hours in any given day.
In the office in which I was based, I met some interesting characters, but the one person who stood out the most was a guy called Vic.
Vic must have been near on 60 years old, but he was a mean looking mo fo. He had a shaved head, was about 6 foot and weighed upwards of 115kgs (250 pounds for the seppo's) His appearance for the most part was deceptive; he really was a nice guy, had a heart of gold and a wickedly twisted sense of humour, which is probably the reason he and I got along so well.
During lunch breaks he'd occasionally meet me at the local rifle range to shoot with his ex cop buddies, (he had one of those "Guns don't kill people, I kill people" bumper stickers on his old utility) or we'd go to a pub for a roast meal, where he'd tell me all about his days as a semi professional motorcycle racer.
It's fair to say that professionally, he was sort of a mentor to me. I was young and impressionable, and I remember thinking at the time that he was such a cool guy despite his age.
Anyway, Vic was also the resident Dirty Old Man in our office. We had quite a few fit young ladies about the place, and he made a point of harmlessly flirting with each of them.
On one occasion, the girl he was flirting with retorted that he was so old and wrinkly that she was repulsed by the thought of Vic being naked. Vic simply replied, "Look, dirty old men need sex too." The girl went redder than a beetroot, and giggled like a school kid for the next hour.
By now, you're probably standing and pointing at you monitor, screaming "Sexual harassment!" Yeah, it probably was, but at least Vic never looked like a knob for screaming at a computer. Sit down, apologise to your colleagues and fucking read on, bitches.
Anyway, the company we worked for was also notorious for having incompetent managers, a point which Vic took pleasure in pointing out to anyone who'd listen. He was once on the phone to a State manager, who began yelling and screaming at Vic for something he'd supposedly done wrong. He calmly replied, "Tracey, you couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifty's (fifty dollar notes.) Don't fucking talk to me again until you realise it was you who made the cock up." and hung up the phone. She called back an hour later to apologise to him.
However, there is one incident in particular which stands out though, and it's something which really made me look up in awe at the guy. It was the office prank to end all pranks.
For several weeks, almost everyone in the office complained that the air conditioning was turned up too high, and that they were uncomfortably cold. Vic and his partner in crime, Warren from IT, were the only ones who seemed happy; they laughed and joked, occasionally mentioning something about the number eighteen, before descending into a fit of giggles each time.
They had a couple of other seemingly random inside jokes too. One was that they'd put on a pair of sunglasses before going to speak to any of the women in the office. Other than brief period wondering what the fuck they were on about, I just shook my head and forgot about their shenanigans.
Eventually, I grew tired of people complaining about the cold, and called the building maintenance crew to fix the problem. They found that the thermostat was faulty, replaced it and things went back to normal.
A few weeks later over a lunchtime beer, Vic asked me why I'd called the maintenance team for the air conditioner, and confessed that he'd tampered with the thermostat. I racked my brain, trying to think of reasons why he would do something like that. Finally, having drawn a blank, I asked him. His reply made me almost die laughing.
"Well, you know how there are quite a few girls in the office who wear tight tops and short skirts?"
"Yeah, it is kind of hard not to notice." I replied uncertainly. I had no idea where this was going.
"Ever heard of my Theory of 18?"
I shook my head, still unsure where he was going with it all.
"At a certain temperature, which I think is about 18 degrees, the majority of people will start to feel the cold. And what happens to women when they start to feel cold?"
"I don't know. They start drinking more coffee to keep warm?"
"No, you dipshit!" Vic said in exasperation. "Until you intervened, Warren and I had been watching the girls strut around the office with nipples the size of traffic cones for the past two weeks."
I burst out laughing, awestruck at the sick and twisted shit that so obviously flows through than man's head. He'd purposely fucked around with the air con just so he could add a few nipples to his daily perving experience. But worse was his explanation for the other jokes around the girls.
"What the hell was the deal with you and Warren walking around with sunglasses on for half the day?" I asked.
"Those things could take a man's eye out. We couldn't very well be going near nipples that big and sharp without safety precautions now, could we?"
I just smiled, shook my head and chuckled as I said, "No, I guess not."
Sixty years old and he was still pulling stunts like that. Every office should have its own Vic.
Google search for "stiff nipples."
User Reviews
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-15 04:30:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
For all those who didn't know what a seppo was-
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=seppo
Derogertory word used by the English and Australians for all American nationals. Derived from Rhyming slang (Septic Tank = Yank)
"Will those stupid seppos ever shut up bragging about how much they can drink?"
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:07:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:33:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:28:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a seppo?
I don't speak with your funny-talk
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seppo = American. In the same way that the English are affectionately referred to as limey's, the Irish Paddys and so on.
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Thank Goodness someone else asked cause I had no fuckin clue either.
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Agreed - at least I understand the others. But Seppo? Where's the cultural influence? I don't get it.
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-12-14 23:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Celcius, JohnnyX.
Stupid seppos (<------look, I learned a new word)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
18 degrees? Won't those nip0s be fro-zen solid?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:31:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There we go!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80998
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story and we SHOULD all have one like him! Makes the office a much more fun place to head to everyday!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-14 15:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why thank you, ozzy! *preens*
This one dirty middle-aged man who works with me is always making cracks like "Hey, so, I heard you got a new piercing... Are you gonna show it to us, or what?" Actually, that just reminded me of another story about being harassed that amused the fuck out of me. I think I'm going to go post about that now. And of course, I'll linkwhore.
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:33:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:28:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a seppo?
I don't speak with your funny-talk
-------------------------
seppo = American. In the same way that the English are affectionately referred to as limey's, the Irish Paddys and so on.
------------------------------
Thank Goodness someone else asked cause I had no fuckin clue either.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:28:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. SEXUAL HARASSMENT I'M TELLING
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AHAHA! I remember I once worked with a really cool chick who used to find an excuse to come and visit me in my office. She'd ring my phone first to make sure I was there, then end the call by saying "OK, I'll be over there to touch you inappropriately in a few minutes."
Those were the days.
At risk of performing Uber-cunnilingus, your last post was teh roxx0rs by the way LadyPlural.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. SEXUAL HARASSMENT I'M TELLING
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. I worked with a guy once, a bartender nicknamed Coach. Every year at halloween, I would ask dear old (he was like 70) Coach what he was going to wear. Ever year, without fail, the answer was the same: "I'll be tossing it over my shoulder and will go as a gas pump." This was a man that gave me a tie on french maid costume replete with huge fake tits and giant nipples. Not that I needed it, but he enjoyed the banter. And the answer every night to my question: what would you like for dinner, Coach? "You." I loved that guy.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:00:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do that shit with the air con too. I'm not old though.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:28:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a seppo?
I don't speak with your funny-talk
-------------------------
seppo = American. In the same way that the English are affectionately referred to as limey's, the Irish Paddys and so on.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It wasn't really the office prank to end all office pranks. Funny, but not that good.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a seppo?
I don't speak with your funny-talk.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah horny old men. If only we are all so lucky to become them.