I'm A Terrible Rapist (6124 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.94 on 106 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2005-12-14 10:52:05 EST
Posted here as well ---->http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=1853&SectionID=11&LayoutType=1
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She got away. That's the fourth one this week. Well, that about seals it. I am without a doubt the worst rapist in the world.
No, don't. Don't try to make me feel better. I'm not fishing for sympathy here. I'm merely stating an obvious fact. I can't pull off a decent rape to save my life.
Tonight's failure was a new low, even for a crappy rapist like me. She told me to wait out in the BP minimart while she went into the bathroom and fixed her makeup. She said she wanted to look nice for the rape, which at the time I considered to be extremely considerate. So I'm standing around waiting outside the ladies room like a goof for at least 25 minutes, trying to look inconspicuous by thumbing through an "US Weekly", when it occurs to me that she had probably snuck out a back window. I didn't even investigate to confirm my suspicion. I was too mortified by own incompetence. I just got in my van and drove off.
Why did I even let her talk me into stopping off at that gas station to get snacks? What kind of a ruthless sex offender lets his quarry bully him into stopping for Combos?
Man I'm a bad rapist.
At least I somehow managed to get that one into my minivan. That's much further than I got with my last two would-be victims. Like that brunette lady in the park the other day. I really thought that I did everything right that time. I drove right up to her and said, "Get in the car lady!" and she just kept walking like she didn't even hear me. But I'm pretty sure she did. So I said it again, louder this time. And she stopped and said, "Leave me alone you loser!" I apologized and quickly drove away.
I've never dealt well with conflict.
You know what I really hate? When they laugh at me. Like, the other day when I jumped out of that alley and I yelled at that heavyset little blonde woman, "This is a rape!" And she just laughed and laughed like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. I got so embarrassed that I just ran away. And that made her laugh even harder. I could hear her for like three blocks. Why do fat girls laugh so loud? In retrospect, I guess telling her that "this was a rape" was a pretty silly thing to do. But I was just trying to establish a sense of fear and urgency while simultaneously getting myself psyched up and into rape-mode. I guess it just came off all wrong.
Let's see, where does this put my "rape failure" to "rape victories" ratio? Let's take a look:
Rapist Failures: 12
Rapist Victories: 1
That's right. Only one lousy rape in all of those attempts. And to tell the truth, in retrospect I'm pretty sure that one encounter was consensual. She was a drunk girl that I met at the bar and she seemed pretty into it. We actually still e-mail each other. I also told her that I'd help her move next weekend.
Oh, who am I kidding? That wasn't a rape!
I have this rapist buddy, Dan, and he's the type of rapist that I really aspire to be. Dan rapes great. Anyways, he told me that my problem is that I'm just not assertive enough. And that's probably true. I've simply never been the pushy type.
Dan recommends that I hit the gym to get my confidence up. He also thinks that I should concentrate for an hour each day about all of the things that I despise most about womankind. Then, when I'm raping, I should reflect back on all of that pain and contempt for females and utilize it while unleashing my predatory sexual fury.
That doesn't really sound like something I'd be good at though, so I think I'm just going to grow a mustache instead. I figure a rapist image tune-up is just what the doctor ordered, and nothing screams "successful rapist" like a big old honkin' stache.
Yeah. I feel good about this. I'm down but I'm not out. Watch your backs ladies, this wolf is still on the prowl.
User Reviews
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-07-22 03:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best post i've ever read.
quality writing and material
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2008-06-10 23:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-06-10 22:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-10 21:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this is my favourite post.
Submitted by onewetleg (user info) at 2006-08-08 22:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me want to write about what a terrible hooker I am. Fictionally, of course.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-08-08 22:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fucking crap that's funny.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-08 21:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Way to put me in a raping mood again, asshole
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-08 21:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-18 22:34:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 linkwhore """
what the fuck was up my fat ass then?
This is fantastic.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-08 21:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Jesus, I can't stop laughing. This was hilarious.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-02 10:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88684
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-26 12:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-26 11:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RAPE
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-25 21:09:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im just dredging this gem up because alot of people haven't seen it and should
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-18 22:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 linkwhore
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-18 22:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the funniest articles that I've ever read here at Uber. Ever.
On the side of the panel-truck, you should paint "There's no use escapin' when I come a-rapin'".
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-18 21:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
GO COLTS?
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-12-17 20:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how the license plate is visible. This is the funniest shit I've read in like 8 blunts.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-17 14:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weeeee!
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-12-17 14:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:08:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
"This is a rape!"
Gold.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2005-12-17 14:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yesyes
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-16 13:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-12-16 11:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And the winner in the Best Rape Story category is...
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-12-16 11:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is too funny for me to formulate a comment. I'm dumbfounded.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-12-16 11:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lossy (user info) at 2005-12-16 11:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha i can see your licence plate!
I need a drink, im as dry as a rape victim - oh you wouldnt know! sorry!
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-16 09:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bump
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-16 09:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kirbage (user info) at 2005-12-16 09:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rape
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-16 08:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-12-16 03:07:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to read this yesterday, but I never got around to it. Thank bart for the MRR.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all you need is a white pannel truck and a puppy.
NEEDS MORE RAPE!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-12-16 01:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You should write for The Onion.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2005-12-16 00:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-16 00:11:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My guess is bart think's if he put it there it would encourage us and our rape posting ways.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-16 00:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is this not on B@W?
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-12-16 00:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2005-12-15 20:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, this was awesome. I rofl'd all the way to the fuckin' bank! The bank of lonely masturbation, that is!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-15 15:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy fuck, what a post.
absolutely perfect ubering.
i'm going to read more of your shit
Submitted by dethcow (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-12-15 06:07:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more successful rape.
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-12-15 01:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:26:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
For the future could you just not post the link to wherey ou posted it first? We now understand you post there and if we find it there will know it's you, and posting the link right away takes you out of the story.
***
Agreed, but still a plus two.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the future could you just not post the link to wherey ou posted it first? We now understand you post there and if we find it there will know it's you, and posting the link right away takes you out of the story.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-14 23:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rapey McRaperson?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-14 20:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more-
wait...
no there's rape in this. cool.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-12-14 20:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 rape,
Plus, this was fucking awesome!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-12-14 20:16:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-12-14 20:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-12-14 20:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-14 18:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I apologize for my previous +1. This gets better every time I read it.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-12-14 18:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rape is never funny...
Oh who am I kidding?
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost didn't click on this post, thought it would be just another boring rape joke.
So glad I did.
Just...hilarious.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:13:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-14 15:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lojope would be proud of you....
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-14 15:40:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was kickass
Submitted by randomhero83 (user info) at 2005-12-14 14:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best. Post. Ever.
I love you...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-14 14:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was SO fucked.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-14 14:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CBG made an appearance on my post. I have arrived.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-12-14 14:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:21:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
You accomplished the impossible: a rape post that's actually funny.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, another one because every time I see this title in the list, I bust out in giggles.
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-12-14 13:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funniest shit ive read on uber all day, and ive been here since 8!
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by subtastic (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:12:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
"This is a rape"
That's laugh out loud funny.
===============================
Damn skippy it was!
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76393
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
booya
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmph. Can't find it. If I come across it, I'll let you know.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure Gold as always!
I'm signing you up for mbstateside's Rape 101 class for this weekend though buddy.
LESSON 1 - DUTCH COURAGE
LESSON 2 - Well we'll save lesson 2 until we've really got the hang of lesson 1. One step at a time for the likes of you I think
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Coyote- there was another one somewhere that had me laughing for several minutes. I'll see if I can find it... No promises, though.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You accomplished the impossible: a rape post that's actually funny.
Well done!
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:18:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:16:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA, but it needs more... um... nevermind.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best review from the other site:
Posted: 12/14/2005 by: Christine
I actually was raped three years ago and it was the worst experience of my life. However, I am still laughing at this article. Good Job Mr. Polk.
Submitted by subtastic (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:12:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"This is a rape"
That's laugh out loud funny.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Reposts from another site just rub me the wrong way for some reason, even if it is your own work.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No mention of Christmas.
Auto +2
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:06:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hillarious.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-12-14 12:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:59:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit! this is pure gold.
i was laughing before i clicked the link.
good stuff, man.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:38:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"We actually still e-mail each other. I also told her that I'd help her move next weekend."
What a thoughtful rapist you are!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool- Get ready for a future -2!
It just won't be on this post.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only on Ubersite . . .
Well, actually, I guess that isn't true since you posted it somewhere else.
Nevermind.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and
old people are useless.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Vigilante
Practice, practice, practice...
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:21:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't that the white van from the sniper guy about a yr ago?
Dude, you're the sniper rapist!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:20:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Daddy like.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:08:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
"This is a rape!"
Gold.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No schlongy, it doesn't mean shit to me.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You're only a semi-genius.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's been a great day for posts.
Submitted by newgreenyou (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice licence plate, sir
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:12:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never knew I liked your stuff...until I actually took the time to read some of it.
You're not one of those whiners when you get a - though, are you?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny and different. Great post.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"This is a rape!"
Gold.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:05:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear god you are one sick fuck.
This was so wrong, yet so funny.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Brilliant, just awesome.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-14 11:00:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A rapist with a problem dealing with conflict... now that's pure class.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:59:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Words fail me.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fuck I started laughing right at the title and just kept going.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need my book. Let me know how it works out.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80917
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-14 10:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the best part about being a rapist is not the failures but the SUCCESSES