"Why does everyone treat me like a sex object?" (slightly NSFW) (2728 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LadyPlural (View user info) at 2005-12-14 16:31:06 EST
I work in a theater, and when you're doing certain jobs there, you have to wear a harness. We had just gotten new ones, and one of the guys (let's call him Jim), was walking down a hallway wearing his new harness for the first time, on his way to go do something.
<interlude>
See, the thing about harnesses is, if you're a guy, your genitalia tends to get rather bunched up. Apparently, so as to avoid very tender bits getting crushed between a strap and your leg, the trick is to kind of flip everything between the straps that go between your legs. This has the (dis?)advantage of creating a rather prominent bulge in one's pants.
Especially when one is rather well endowed.
Jim is rather well endowed.
</interlude>
Jim was walking down the hallway, all strapped into his harness, and ready to go. I was headed to the stage, and I saw Jim headed in the same direction, so I caught up with him and we started talking. As we passed by a woman who works in Administration, she did a perfect double take, looked him up and down in a slow, 'I'm picturing you naked' sort of way, said "Well damn. You look *sexy* in that thing!" and continued walking down the hall.
I snickered, Jim gave me a Withering Look, and we continued along our merry way.
When I walked through the door to the stage, two women, 'Anna' and 'Terry' were standing a few feet away from me. I headed in their direction, they both greeted me, and Terry started to say something.
Then they saw Jim.
I really wished that I had a boom box or something at that point, because the moment deserved nothing less than the ever-popular 'Bow-chicka-bow-wah' music of the really classy kind of porn. Alas, I didn't have a boom box. Or the music. But I sang it in my head, damnit!
As Jim walked over to where Anna, Terry, and I were now standing, both Anna and Terry stared at him in the same 'I'm picturing you naked' sort of way that Admin Lady had stared. Their gazes eventually came to rest centered around Jim's Bulge.
Without actually taking her eyes off of The Bulge, Anna commented to Terry, "You know, I think I *really* like the way the new harnesses look."
Jim looked at them.
He looked down at The Bulge.
He looked back at them.
And then, in the mildest, most deadpan way possible, Jim said "Uhh, ladies? My face is up *here*."
Needless to say, I laughed until I started to choke.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-27 23:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bulging peener
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:42:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 </interlude>
+1 Alas, I didn't have a boom box. Or the music.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for getting every single one of your NFL predictions wrong.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-14 00:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-30 19:14:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHos up for vegas then? http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-12-30 18:39:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2005-12-30 18:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Q: What was that certain job he was going to perform or was he starring in Battle of The Bulge?
Life is a theater and it's certainly filled with many...-Lou Reed
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-12-30 00:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81690
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-30 00:32:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was beautiful.
BranDo, you're a Grade C twatwaffle
============================================
I just had to praise you for introducing me to a wonderful new word.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-15 16:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Xcuses- You have no idea how goddamn much I'd like to have sex up on the grid (a steel, well, grid used to walk on and hang some things like motors from. Ours is like 70 or 80 feet above the stage) during a show. That would rock so goddamn hard. Especially if miscellaneous fluids dripped into someone's hair or wig.
-------------------
A girl after my own heart
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2005-12-15 16:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-15 06:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If ever I tried to show off my Johnson in the high school drama club, people edged away from me. But really, he was working for a fucking THEATRE; did he actually expect the other employees to be anything less than raunchy horndogs?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-15 05:23:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this was like a big bag of meh rolled in flour so we could find the wet spot.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-15 05:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-15 04:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHA! Gold!
I remember these harnesses from my rock climbing days. A word of warning, do NOT wear silk boxer shorts if you intend to wear one of these harnesses. The tears have only now dried from my last climb.
Eighteen months ago.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-12-15 00:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah yes, I remember those harnases from when we did rapelling. Quite fun :)
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-14 23:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for once, it's not a chick saying that...
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-12-14 23:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A man with a great package who loves bondage? Check.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-12-14 23:29:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I really wished that I had a boom box or something at that point, because the moment deserved nothing less than the ever-popular 'Bow-chicka-bow-wah' music of the really classy kind of porn. Alas, I didn't have a boom box. Or the music. But I sang it in my head, damnit!
funny story
well written
nice
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 21:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
MistressFist- Why yes. Yes I did.
Coyote- I think we do. Although referring to it as 'The Bulge' is rather satisfying.
DrSeussman- I usually wear really baggy pants, so they just kind of bunch strangely and look vaguely like I'm wearing bloomers or something. I'd imagine that cameltoe would generally occur only once you're actually supporting weight on the harness. And at that point, you're too busy worrying about the fact that you just fell than about terrible fashion no-nos.
Xcuses- You have no idea how goddamn much I'd like to have sex up on the grid (a steel, well, grid used to walk on and hang some things like motors from. Ours is like 70 or 80 feet above the stage) during a show. That would rock so goddamn hard. Especially if miscellaneous fluids dripped into someone's hair or wig.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-14 21:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aaaaaand thank god I never worked in a theatah.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-14 20:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Because you have a snatch, that's reasonably unadorned by flies and vultures.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-14 19:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um excuse me, does this harness make my penis look big?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-14 19:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER HAR HAR PEENER
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-14 19:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahahahaha...good on ya mate.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-12-14 18:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Only you could make me laugh with a mental pic such as that.
I hope things are going well for you.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-14 18:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Us guys are not just pieces of meat here for your amusement. We have thoughts, minds, and feelings and deserve..
<Falls down laughing>
<Stops, wipes tear>
Sorry, couldn't resist
Anyway, I used to work in a theatre and wore those harness. It saved my butt more then once but they do...um...pinch if you're not careful.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:35:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking priceless we finally got our shot at you ladies and the boob comments of the same nature. Question though, does it give you fair ladies a nice camel toe?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to have sex in a theatre
Submitted by parzival (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kirbage (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The irony
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be a -2 for forcing me to picture a guy all bunched up and prominent,
but I'm going to +2 you anyway, because one of us finally got to turn that line
around on you women types. Or maybe it's just that you and the word "harness"
in close proximity make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
So, does this mean we have to jump the gender gap and devise a parallel term
to cameltoe?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-12-14 17:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha!
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Comedy gold.
(I wish more girls would be enamoured with my buldge, but I'd need a 12 pack of sport socks to make anyone look. Oh well, I guess it all feels the same to me. )
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just cuz i like package references. get a pic.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha ha, big junk!
So, did you fuck him?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:40:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JohnnyX- No. At an actual Performing Arts Center with live shows that come through and so on. That kind of theater.
Sorry, I should have been more specific.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Loading things onto the weight rail, focusing lights that are on pipes (steel bars) that are not protected by railings... Sometimes you'll need to climb up this rack-like structure that's on the back wall that holds all of our lights and pass lights down, and you need your hands for passing lights and so you use the harness to make sure that you won't fall off the rack if you lose your balance... etc. It depends, really. But you end up using them a suprising amount of the time.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing like a good penis story to end the work day :(^). Where can I get one of these harnesses?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where do you work? The Mistress Arabella Cineplex 18?
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What sort of job at a theater would require a harness is what I want to know.