The Cardboard Box Adventures - Part 2 (1336 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: CardBoard_Box_Adventures
Rating: 1.8 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <brdn_nkd.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-15 09:37:47 EST
Part 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/80965
When the new fridge was delivered, I knew the box it was in was special; it seemed to call to me. Boxes are fun anyway so I asked dad if I could keep it. He told me I could have it till trash day which is almost a week away so I should be able to have lots of fun till then.
They unloaded the fridge and dad let me take the box. This is by far the biggest one I've ever got to play with. I pushed it out of the kitchen into the living room and ran to get my crayons. When I came back from my room the box had been moved, I guess dad shoved it into the corner. I climbed inside all ready to turn my box into a spaceship or something when I saw the door.
I don't know maybe door's not the right word; all I can say is that I could see somewhere else and it kind of scared me. I stood up and looked around and saw that I was still in the living room. I got out of the box and pulled it away from the wall to look at the sides, it all looked normal so I thought I must have been seeing things. I climbed back into the box, sat down and looked around again. It was there, the other place, I could see it.
The first couple days I just sat there looking into the other place, I could see rolling hills covered in something brown and a purple sky on the horizon. It was a really pretty color purple. Every now and then strange looking birds would fly past and sometimes I thought I could feel a gentle breeze coming through the door. It was sort of nice to see this place, it looked pretty and fun. The third day I had the box a scary face peered in the doorway; "Hey! Come here!"
It surprised me so much that I stood up in fright. I looked around the living room, making sure I was still home. When I looked down where the door had been I couldn't see it anymore. I got out of the box and looked at it all around again, no matter where I stood I couldn't see the other place, but when I climbed back inside the box and sat down it was there again and so was that face.
"Ben! Come here!"
"How do you know my name?"
"It doesn't matter; you should just come here so we can talk"
"I don't think I want to. Your face is scary and I'm not s'posed to talk to strangers."
"Oh get over here and quit being such a baby; I'm just wearing a mask. I've got a treat for you."
I know the rule, dad says I shouldn't talk to strangers even when they offer me candy cause they might want to hurt me. I thought long and hard, the whole time that face just stared at me, before turning back to it. "What's your name?"
"Don't have one" the face replied.
"Everyone's got a name; I can't come there unless I know your name so that you're not a stranger anymore."
"Fine. My name is Pickle."
"Pickle? That's a funny name."
"I told you it wasn't important, are you coming or what?"
"Take off the mask."
"I can't right now, will you please just come?"
"How do I do it?
Pickle gave me a few instructions and when I followed them I found myself standing next to him in a sea of brown grassy stuff. The air had a sweet smell to it, as though someone was baking so much that the smell was everywhere. I looked up at the sky, wondering why it was so purple. My second grade teacher explained why our sky is blue; I wondered what she'd say about this. Finally I turned to Pickle.
"Ok, now what?"
"We have to go see the Big Man."
"Who's he?"
"You ask an awful lot of questions Ben, just follow me and you'll find out soon enough. One more thing before we go. If your grown up calls you, you go ahead and go just like you came but don't you dare tell it any of our names."
We started walking up the nearest hill, the ground felt all squishy, like walking on marshmallows. I didn't really like it, it felt gross. I had been watching my feet this whole time, expecting them to sink into the ground so I was surprised to see Pickle was way ahead of me when he called my name.
"You're doing it wrong. Watch me."
I watched as Pickle took a step, not just any step though, when he put his foot down he kind of stomped and then he sprung up into the air. It was pretty funny to see but it also made him move really fast. "Now you try it."
I took a step stomping my foot down, suddenly I was in the air. I got scared and tried to reach out to balance and instead ended up falling on my side. I hit the ground and then immediately bounced into the air again and started falling again. It was kind of like being on the neighbor's trampoline. After I bounced again I was able to get back to my feet and start moving. I looked up to see Pickle laughing at me as I made my way toward him.
"Ha-ha, that never gets old; it's always funny when a new one comes."
"Ben!" Suddenly I could feel myself being shaken and it kind of hurt. I looked up and found myself back in the living room being shaken by dad. Dad looked scared; I don't think I ever saw him scared before. Then he stated asking me a bunch of questions. I don't like to lie to dad so I told him as much as I could, remembering Pickle making me promise not to tell his name.
Dad let me go, I was afraid of what he said last though, "don't get stuck over there". So I didn't go back to the box right away, instead I went and played on the computer for a while. Pretty soon I was feeling curious though so I went back to the box. Pickle was looking in the door again.
"Where have you been? Why didn't you come right back?"
"I don't want to get stuck over there."
"Your grown up gave you that dumb idea didn't he, I bet he told you that it was bad too, didn't he?"
"He did tell me not to get stuck but he didn't say it was bad."
"Oh, he will eventually I'm sure, all grown ups are like that. Come on now, you won't get stuck. You can only get stuck here if you want to. We have to go see the Big Man, come on!"
So I rejoined Pickle and went to see the "Big Man".
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-12 02:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:36:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Pickle"
Calling a character that took some balls, and you made it work... not sure I could have.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-22 10:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-07 23:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto Cardboard +2
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:12:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:24:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked the POV shift, thought the child's internal dialogue seems a little adult. maybe he's just precocious. i can't wait to see where you are going with this, hombre.
I've been stuggling with the kid's voice. I have a nine year old but he is pretty well spoken. I'm trying to tone it down to an appropriate level but I know I'm not always right there. I think some of that comes from the way that I speak and write.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked the POV shift, thought the child's internal dialogue seems a little adult. maybe he's just precocious. i can't wait to see where you are going with this, hombre.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-19 13:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the only thing about this like 'rose madder' is the protag using an inamimate everyday object to travel to a fantasy world.
In RM, the protag uses a painting, here you use a box.
the similarities end there.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2005-12-18 12:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
keep going +2
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-12-18 11:34:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm... two for two.
Submitted by Kirbage (user info) at 2005-12-17 06:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooked like a fish.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-16 15:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're just creepy... keep going.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-16 15:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember kids... box can be deadly
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2005-12-16 06:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pickle ? Big Man? rite you have my attention now dont fuck it up +2
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2005-12-16 06:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pickle? Big-Man? ... You have my attention now dont fuck it up more more more +2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-15 21:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm excited to see where you go with this.
good concept-good idea
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-15 19:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really good. Kept thinking of Boxing Day in England, the day after Christmas. I always wondered if they get wild with the boxes then.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-15 18:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creepy. You should have described Pickle's mask a bit, unless of course you're wanting to leave it to our imagination. In which case Pickle is the rabbit from Donnie Darko in my mind now.
Awesome story.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-15 18:43:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooh, they're gonna go visit Aslan!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-12-15 17:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is the Big Man a cucumber? or perhaps a German sausage?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-12-15 15:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are doing the funky, different point of view thing again.
It would have confused me if I hadn't started reading "Survivor".
Very different tone to the first one (POV?), not quite sure if it fits but it is still an interesting story.
I am seeing it as a cross between C.S.Lewis and Issac Asimov, which makes it cool in my book.
-Dave
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and? comeon man, get with the program, I need entertaining here! Good stuff
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love imaginary friends and big boxes.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coocoocachoo (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am really enjoying this. Can't wait for more.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Pickle"
Calling a character that took some balls, and you made it work... not sure I could have.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually I don't have a problem with it, I know POV shifts can be confusing but I've always loved stories that showed more than one perspective, jumping back and forth ony to have it all come together in the end. It's like getting two stories for the price of one for me. I think I pulled it off ok in Survivor so I'm trying it again. Iam writing one post at a time so I still don't really know where this is headed for sure but I do have some ideas.
what I was trying to say is I don't have any problems with criticism, some valid points were raised and I did say I would tell how it worked in this one but I changed my mind. In some ways I see how this might not be as engaging as the first one but I think it does stand alone and advances the story in a new voice. Or maybe I just hope that's what is/will happen(ing). whatever.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-15 11:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:37:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck that, these guys just cannot get about the POV shift.
good transition.
Actually I don't have a problem with it, I know POV shifts can be confusing but I've always loved stories that showed more than one perspective, jumping back and forth ony to have it all come together in the end. It's like getting two stories for the price of one for me. I think I pulled it off ok in Survivor so I'm trying it again. Iam writing one post at a time so I still don't really know where this is headed for sure but I do have some ideas.
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Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:33:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm anxious to see where this is going. Good stuff so far though, reminds me of "Rose Madder" by Stephen King.
I will have to re-read that, or maybe I shouldn't. I must be too heavily influenced by him because this is not the first time something of mine has been likened to one of his stories.
Thanks all for reading and commenting, I don't mind criticism, in fact I welcome it. Thanks, B
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-15 11:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like this.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-15 11:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is excellent...keep going with this.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pickle
Submitted by sheckynecky (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is awesome. I am intrigued.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:05:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I re-read this and I think it works, it may not quite have the same hook the first one did but it is helping me build my story and all will eventually shake out. thanks for reading, time to get some work done.
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fuck that, these guys just cannot get about the POV shift.
good transition.
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm anxious to see where this is going. Good stuff so far though, reminds me of "Rose Madder" by Stephen King.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:05:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I re-read this and I think it works, it may not quite have the same hook the first one did but it is helping me build my story and all will eventually shake out. thanks for reading, time to get some work done.
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There's nothing wrong with it; it just wasn't as intriguing as the introduction.
I look forward to the rest.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:20:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a box like that when I was a kid, but I made it into a fort. It was cool as hell until the neighbor's girl came over and tried to get in. I stabbed her in the eye with a marker. I got into some deep shit for that.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I re-read this and I think it works, it may not quite have the same hook the first one did but it is helping me build my story and all will eventually shake out. thanks for reading, time to get some work done.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:56:23 (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked Part 1 better, but this still was good
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked Part 1 better, but this still was good
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Boxes are fun"
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think that's probably the most glaring error, everything else I thought I did ok at justifying. holy shit after writing this I suddenly can't put cohesive thoughts together. sorry if I've disappointed but thanks for reading. B
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I am enjoying this.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah probably and I could see some thing that didn't exactly match up but if I could change something it would be on the first one not this one.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:44:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There are a couple discrepancies between this one and the first one. Shouldn't they have already gotten mad at him?