Things That Piss Me Off... (As If You Care.) First SPT (1174 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ahumblefool (View user info) at 2005-12-15 12:53:45 EST
I am a little pissed today so I am taking advantage of SPT. One of my larger clients informed me that they would not be paying me until the middle of January, when they had promised a check by today. It does not affect me financially, but it does piss me off. Now, I really should not bitch because I know that many of you college and young business people are struggling with bills on a daily basis, deciding between gas for the car and the rent payment, I have been there. So, in order to get the bad tone out of my system, I am writing down a list of things that piss me off.
Smacker's: What the hell. Can you not chew your cud with your mouth closed? I know that it makes really cool colors and that the whole world should view your culinary artistry, but shut your trap. I do not enjoy your victuals jumping from your damp sick ass tongue onto my plate.
Inhaler's: Unless you were the youngest child in a family of 15 boys, there is no reason you should consume your food that fast. One of my clients inhales his food so quickly that within five minutes he has consumed a steak, potato, vegetables and his salad. WTF. Can you even taste what you are eating? I sit waiting for him to choke just so I can watch him for a minute before saving his quick eating ass. I swear I am not going to reach over with my fork and steal any of your meal. Christ, now I need to consume at record speed just so I do not make you wait for thirty minutes. IF it is nutrition you are after can I suggest a shake?
Clutterer's: You know who you are. Here is the deal. I am a minimalist. That basically means I am an Obsessive Compulsive about my living space. If you have a room that is 120 square feet, that room is not big enough to hold two sofas, a loveseat, coffee table, end table, recliner, decorative pillows, window dressings and what ever else you can shove in there. I know, Christopher Lowell advises you that you can, but he is gay and spends no time in the rooms he decorates. Also, if your 7" thick oak mantle is bowing due to the weight of picture frames, you have enough heirlooms. I enter homes like this and I instantly want to start rearranging, throwing stuff in the trash and taking items to the thrift mart. My hands itch, and my eye twitches.
Artists: WTH ever happened to the color white? White walls are nice walls. You know what? Go ahead and paint your walls pumpkin, but paint all your walls pumpkin. Rose Wine living room, Blue Morning dining room, Yellow Surprise kitchen, too many frigging colors people. I feel like I am visiting the Chicago Art Museum. White, it makes your room look larger, and cleaner.
Socialist: (Not the political party.) I guess the movie theater is the new place to meet people and talk. I just laid down $19 dollars for two tickets and another $15 for popcorn, and I have Mike and Nancy yapping like a couple of puppies behind me. Michael below me is on that stupid ass Blue Tooth yelling over the movie, "BILL GOT TO CALL YOU BACK, I AM AT THE MOVIES. WHAT? YEAH, KING KONG. IT'S FUCKING GREAT." Samantha is telling young Jennifer to sit quietly, sit, sit, and stop moving. When I was paying my way through college by working at the local cinema, we use to kick these people out. Now, you go down and complain, they give you the ol' "What do you want me to do about it."
Borg: Okay, so I am 37 and maybe I am not with it, but, what the hell is so important that you need to have a telephone implant placed in your ear. I keep waiting for you to come over and tell me that "Resistance is futile." You can not be disconnected for five minutes to watch your child play the crappy violin? I don't care you just closed a million dollar deal, and guess what, everyone at the restaurant doesn't give a shit either. As a matter of fact, we are all getting ready to beat the hell out of you and shove that ear bud in your anal canal.
Phermoneist: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, a little cologne or perfume goes a long way. A dab here a dab there, that is sexy. Now, if I enter the elevator with you, and for 76 floors I am turning blue because I can not take a breath, you have too much scent on. What are you covering? A daily bath helps with this. How can I be attracted to you when I am gagging on a concoction of chemicals stronger than a chemical spill?
Drunktards: Look, I have drunk way too much myself at times but I still have enough common sense to shut the fuck up and not play the idiot. You know what; the young lady sitting with her friends is not amused by your "unique" pick-up techniques. Calling her a slut, whore or bitch because she refuses to dance, fuck or suck your dick is immaturity that only my five year old is capable of displaying when she does not get to stay up fifteen minutes longer. I am not afraid of your drunken diatribe about how you are going to kick my ass. Sir, you can not even stand, how the hell are you going to knock me out? Go home, go to bed, and wake up with a hangover and some frigging dignity.
There are more, but, I feel better now so I will stop.
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-22 13:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For God so loved the world, he gave us his one and only humblefool.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-12-16 04:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny stuff here. Must admit, haven't read anything of yours since your post about the decline and "fall" of the horror genre. (Hope you checked out the girls/books that I offered that would instantly cure this emptiness. BTW, I don't do the hitho thing, but my first post was about your current subject, so you might enjoy. http://www.ubersite.com/m/44287
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-16 04:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
For being a fan of white walls and minimalism. So charmless.
I'm with you on everything else though.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my mates is a smacker. After a night on the piss, I've all ready burned away most of my stomach lining and it's feeling pretty volatile as is, I don't need to see a portion of cheesy chips with mayo churning around in there. erg... I don't feel so good.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! right with ya man.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-15 18:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like rants.
this was a good one.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-15 15:45:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not a 'clutterer' but my closet and dresser possesed.
I put my last piece of clean clothing away and about 4 seconds after I shut off the light and close the door my closet explodes and my dresser vomits and sends my clothes flying everywhere in my room.
I would probably be pissed, but I'm a Sagitarius so I deal.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bring on the rage
Submitted by JackalFett (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear you on the Cologne thing. I detest AXE, BOD, and TAG. It's like someone condensed wal-mart whole perfume aisle into a bottle. French manwhore doesnt smell better than sweat. Sorry ladies but if you like this, you're a victim of bad advertising. Find a man with some taste.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:34:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:31:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
PS. By then I'll be 31, so don't feel so bad. Yes, we probably will be the oldest attending. Unless I can convince that old fart Shlongy to go. I'm working on it.
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By God if I were not married I would make a play with only a six year difference! :)
Would love to meet Shlongy. I think he and I would get along pretty well or we would get into a drunken brawl either way, good times, good times.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:31:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS. By then I'll be 31, so don't feel so bad. Yes, we probably will be the oldest attending. Unless I can convince that old fart Shlongy to go. I'm working on it.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wait to chat with you in person. It'll be a great time.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't see Buckeye's reply. I'm not "copying off of him," as we said in 3rd grade.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:18:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with all of them, except I'm an inhaler. It's a habit that I picked up getting fed en masse in the army.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How'd you know?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:11:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:09:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
or you come live with me, we will go to cute boutiques, garage sales and especially ANTIQUE STORES to add to my collections of STUFF!!!!
you will love the dark red accent walls in the dining room. the perfect backdrop for watching me inhale my food whilst chewing with my mouth open!!! AAAH.
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Submitted by Luderhow (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha you got me at the Drunktard part
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:14:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:10:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
i tend to think white walls are boring. also, you can never have too many tchotchkes. but, still a good list :)
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I will come over and help you pack some stuff up. Live with me for about six months and I shall convert you to minimalism. ;)
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or you come live with me, we will go to cute boutiques, garage sales and especially ANTIQUE STORES to add to my collections of STUFF!!!!
you will love the dark red accent walls in the dining room. the perfect backdrop for watching me inhale my food whilst chewing with my mouth open!!! AAAH.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-15 14:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:06:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Complain and ask for your money back. If they don't give it wright a letter to AMC or Loews or whoever, and watch the coupons come in.
______________________________________________
That is a pretty good idea. Does it work? We went to King Kong last night, and I swear, I wanted to kill, it is like going to the Seahawks game.
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If it is a well written letter, it should. And I have gotten money back from a theatre manager.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:49:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Artists: WTH ever happened to the color white?"
I was taught that white is not technically a color, but the absense of color, or a tint.
I hate white walls, they do not necessarily make a room look any bigger than if it were any other light shade, and white makes everything too sterile and cold... I am not comfortable in hospitals, so I don't need to come home to one.
...and still, after living in my condo for 5 years, my living room is STILL white.
I'm going to paint it a nice shade of yellow, I will try to post a pic JUST for you. You'll love it.
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Yellow, could I suggest Tartar Sauce!NK107; Egg Twin Ivory NK511; Daisy Petal Yellow NK505; plain yellow is just so dull.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ubetidid -
I didn't think anyone in the world used that word aside from my ex boyfriend.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Artists: WTH ever happened to the color white?"
I was taught that white is not technically a color, but the absense of color, or a tint.
I hate white walls, they do not necessarily make a room look any bigger than if it were any other light shade, and white makes everything too sterile and cold... I am not comfortable in hospitals, so I don't need to come home to one.
...and still, after living in my condo for 5 years, my living room is STILL white.
I'm going to paint it a nice shade of yellow, I will try to post a pic JUST for you. You'll love it.
Aside from that, I'm with you in a huge way about - too much perfume (I threw up once because a coworker was doused in it), and the movie talkers (I don't even go to the theater anymore), and most of all - people who chew with their mouths open and/or loudly. I can't tolerate it, so I usually have to leave the room with some excuse until they're done.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Smacker's: What the hell. Can you not chew your cud with your mouth closed?
hahaha!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:10:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
i tend to think white walls are boring. also, you can never have too many tchotchkes. but, still a good list :)
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I agree Leilani, you can never have too many vaginas around.
:-)
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:31:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:30:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, SPT, what WON'T you come up with next?
I could feel the anger in this. Give into your feelings, your hate, young Foolwalker.
Together, we can rule the galaxy as top and bottom.
Dibs on top.
____________________
Best laugh I have had today!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, SPT, what WON'T you come up with next?
I could feel the anger in this. Give into your feelings, your hate, young Foolwalker.
Together, we can rule the galaxy as top and bottom.
Dibs on top.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:17:12 (#)
Ranking: 1
Inhaler's: Unless you were the youngest child in a family of 15 boys, there is no reason you should consume your food that fast.
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What if you were in the military and had quickly learned that if you don't eat your food as quickly as possible then you might not get a chance to finish your meal? Do I get a free pass on that one, oh wise one, or should I choke on my chicken fried rice?
I'm with you on the cell phones, but we're the minority. We're like the people complaining about Starbucks - yea, we might be right, but 90% of the rest of the world disagrees.
________________________
I would give you the free pass if it was military, but, is it a habit that can not be broken once you are out of the service? I do not see bullets whizzing by at the dinner table or restaurant, but if it is well ingrained, I can not fault you for it.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I do care. wait till you're 48. you'll be amazed at the things that will piss you off. this does not even scratch the surface.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree 100% with everything.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:18:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
SPTers.
Just kidding, I've been guilty of quite a few myself.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Inhaler's: Unless you were the youngest child in a family of 15 boys, there is no reason you should consume your food that fast.
-------
What if you were in the military and had quickly learned that if you don't eat your food as quickly as possible then you might not get a chance to finish your meal? Do I get a free pass on that one, oh wise one, or should I choke on my chicken fried rice?
I'm with you on the cell phones, but we're the minority. We're like the people complaining about Starbucks - yea, we might be right, but 90% of the rest of the world disagrees.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:10:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
i tend to think white walls are boring. also, you can never have too many tchotchkes. but, still a good list :)
________________________________
I will come over and help you pack some stuff up. Live with me for about six months and I shall convert you to minimalism. ;)
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:10:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
This really is an SPT post.
Because of your awesome mountain climbs I won't give you a negative.
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Yea, it is very SPT, should not have posted it, but, I was pretty pissed. Life goes on.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This really is an SPT post.
Because of your awesome mountain climbs I won't give you a negative.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i tend to think white walls are boring. also, you can never have too many tchotchkes. but, still a good list :)
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:06:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:05:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Socialist: (Not the political party.) I guess the movie theater is the new place to meet people and talk. I just laid down $19 dollars for two tickets and another $15 for popcorn, and I have Mike and Nancy yapping like a couple of puppies behind me. Michael below me is on that stupid ass Blue Tooth yelling over the movie, "BILL GOT TO CALL YOU BACK, I AM AT THE MOVIES. WHAT? YEAH, KING KONG. IT'S FUCKING GREAT." Samantha is telling young Jennifer to sit quietly, sit, sit, and stop moving. When I was paying my way through college by working at the local cinema, we use to kick these people out. Now, you go down and complain, they give you the ol' "What do you want me to do about it." "
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Complain and ask for your money back. If they don't give it wright a letter to AMC or Loews or whoever, and watch the coupons come in.
______________________________________________
That is a pretty good idea. Does it work? We went to King Kong last night, and I swear, I wanted to kill, it is like going to the Seahawks game.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Socialist: (Not the political party.) I guess the movie theater is the new place to meet people and talk. I just laid down $19 dollars for two tickets and another $15 for popcorn, and I have Mike and Nancy yapping like a couple of puppies behind me. Michael below me is on that stupid ass Blue Tooth yelling over the movie, "BILL GOT TO CALL YOU BACK, I AM AT THE MOVIES. WHAT? YEAH, KING KONG. IT'S FUCKING GREAT." Samantha is telling young Jennifer to sit quietly, sit, sit, and stop moving. When I was paying my way through college by working at the local cinema, we use to kick these people out. Now, you go down and complain, they give you the ol' "What do you want me to do about it." "
----------------------
Complain and ask for your money back. If they don't give it wright a letter to AMC or Loews or whoever, and watch the coupons come in.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nate, go die.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My freaking roommate leaves a lot of clutters. There are times I just stare at them, willing them to go away, but they never do.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I agree with everything you said. And it is SPT. I wish I had time today for an SPT.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU ARE FUCKING RIGHT.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-15 13:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate smackers too. One of my old roommates was a smacker. She also broke open chicken bones and sucked out the marrow, which needless to say, still makes me want to puke even thinking about it. Whenever she came home with chicken wings, I would make up some reason I had to leave immediately.
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
but i do agree with the "druntards" and "socialist" things so +2
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
made me smile
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
what pisses me off?
people that think everyone sucks for not doing things how they do them. the world would smell bad if we all did things the same.
boring.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another +2 because of your mountain-rescuing awesomeness, and to offset the -2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain. Been there/done that on pretty much all of your scenarios.
And I'm about ready to kill this "nate" character/alter fucking up everyone's posts. Are you with me?
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-12-15 12:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you want to clients to pay up you mow their lawns on time