the pill (1) (674 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.8 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by awj002 (View user info) at 2005-12-16 01:01:21 EST
In early spring of the year 2009, Paksuo Chang invented a tiny pill that provided 100% of a person's daily nutritional requirements with no negative side effects. It had 0 grams of fat (trans or saturated), no cholesterol, no phenylketonurics (not even phenylalanine!) and no traces of peanuts. And perhaps most importantly, it interacted with an individual's cerebral and chemical infrastructure such that it tasted better than anything imaginable. At least Paksuo thought so, after popping the pill in his lab at the Beijing Institute of Nutrition and Medicine (or BINM).
The atomic makeup of the pill was simple, no more than a quirky conglomeration of carbons, hydrogens, and oxygens. The base molecule was not too far from water, actually—fuse a dozen more base chains, slap a double-bond here, snip that valence electron from the left side. Paksuo wondered, how had nobody thought of this before?
He began to test the pills on himself—partially from the standpoint of scientific inquiry, but also because it became a sort of once-a-day addiction. In that tiny room with the piercing dome lights, and behind that sterile smooth white ribbed ventilated latex-banded mask and those big-rimmed safety goggles he felt like a fourteen year-old boy masturbating in a closet. In two weeks he lost eight pounds from his slightly gelatinous figure. His children noticed a marked increase in his energy level; he played catch with them in the road outside their apartment, and tag, and sketched complex hopscotch games with sidewalk chalk. When he was alone, and thought no one was looking, he got hopped up on the very same scotch. His kids began to ask him why he came home from work so happy. "I'm on the pill," he told them.
Of course, they nagged him for some, and after a few days of Paksuo's throwing out her home-cooked meals, his wife demanded a daily dose as well. He'd be happy to oblige, he told them, but first he'd have to inform the Company about his discovery—and before he could do that, he had to make sure it was safe.
"Wouldn't want anybody dying on us, would we?" he laughed. And he smiled a gorgeous smile, with teeth no longer tarnished by carbonations, sugars, plaque, and preservatives.
A month later, and Paksuo was certain: the pill was a miracle. The five and-a-half foot man's weight had plunged from an obese 180 to a sleek and sturdy 150. In addition, he found himself with more free time, sleeping more soundly, and being asked by several women about the condition of his marriage. On the day of his marketing proposal, he woke with a smile, with certified morning wood, threw on a pressed and starched black suit—thinking, who starches a suit anymore?—kissed his sleeping children on the cheek, poured an enormous glass of orange juice, remembered he didn't eat or drink, dumped the glass in the sink and, with determined vigor, raced his bicycle two and a half miles to the Beijing Institution of Nutrition and Medicines' patent office. He sped through the halls, briefcase swinging at his side, until he made his entrance at the Board Room. He wasn't obligated to knock. The senior Patent Officer bowed slightly to Paksuo and Paksuo bowed back more deeply, with astounding flexibility. Formal introductions were spoken.
"I have invented a pill," Paksuo began to explain, and continued until he had explained all there was to explain.
"I would be happy to continue testing on a small group of test subjects—preferably my own family, who have been anticipating the pill's release. From there, I'd like to put it on the market as soon as possible," he concluded.
The panel members looked at each other with elder sincerity. "Market..." the Senior Patent Officer grumbled. He asked Paksuo to leave the room for a few minutes.
"And leave the briefcase with us," he added.
Paksuo stepped into the lobby, picking at his teeth and combing his hair with his hand as he waited. It wasn't long before they summoned him again.
"Your pill is quite remarkable," the senior Officer said. Paksuo smiled, clapped his gloved hands together, and leapt his orange juice-less body into the air.
The Officer continued, "We are truly grateful for your donation to the Company. You can be assured that some day soon, every person in the world will have access to your discovery." Paksuo stopped hopping around. He stood on one leg and bore a look of defeat.
"Donation?" he croaked.
"Of course," the Officer said. "And I'm sorry to say, your assistance on this project will no longer be required." With that, he drew a .45 caliber pistol and put a single bullet through Paksuo Chang's forehead, splashing pint after pint of head juice onto the lavish oriental carpet, and blowing flecks of brain pulp far and wide.
After the government had released the very same steel Copyright Release Statement to the rest of Chang's family, the BINM assumed complete ownership of the pill. The Changs did not die in vain. The Paksuo pill quickly became the most popular health supplement among Government employees. Imperial Police officers ran faster, swung harder, and shot straighter.
78.2 million dollars were poured, over three years, into research, promotion, and mass production of the Paksuo. Forty-eight top scientists, sociologists, and economists from across the nation wrote lab reports, conducted phone surveys, and grouped data into scatter plots.
It could not be avoided, of course, that the United States got wind of all this plotting. And General Robert Thask did not agree with the Chinamens' proposed climax. He attempted to slam the three-page stapled report onto his desk, but it fluttered and met gently with the golden oak surface. Like most gentle caresses of industry and nature, this only made Thask more angry.
"Keeping it all for yourselves, you grubby Chink bastards?" he said. "That just won't do."
User Reviews
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-07-13 23:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know.
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-12-17 12:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Exceptional
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-16 14:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, I'm dumb. Missed the (1)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-16 14:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
will this continue?
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-12-16 12:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This had better be a series. I want more pills!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-16 08:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting. But I would have liked nuclear war at the end instead of just hinting at war.
Needs more nuclear China rape.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-16 08:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awkward use of chemistry/nutritional terms, but I can't justify taking points off for that.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-12-16 05:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A good read. Thank you.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-16 04:59:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
'smooth ... ribbed ... mask'? Oxymoron.
And a starched suit? How the hell do you ride a bicycle (or do anything, for that matter) in a starched suit?!
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-16 04:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking terrific.
This was fucking terrific.
This was fucking terrific.
This was fucking terrific.
This was fucking terrific.
This was fucking terrific.
This was fucking terrific.
This was fucking terrific.
This was fucking terrif- *blast*
*head explodes*
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna kill nate. I really am.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bump
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking great!
People will pick up on this. Just give it a bit of time, then finish it. Please.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
interesting
Submitted by DropItLikeItsDisgusting (user info) at 2005-12-16 02:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like, started off pretty damn good.
Submitted by nate (user info) at 2005-12-16 01:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
jetsons fanfic