Bring Back Sex Post Friday - man it made me laugh. Dirty story inside - but should be Safe for work. (1298 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.36 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Belle (View user info) at 2005-12-16 07:05:09 EST
Remember sex post Friday? No, well, then you should go look them up - they were funny.
Basically, we used to write about sex on a Friday - you know, we had that Friday feeling, and that's when everyone got a bit fruity - either with disasterous stories of failed hook-ups, or out and out erotic writing.
In honour of such great posts, I thought I would attempt (and most likely fail miserably) at resurrecting that most awesome of days to the here and now.
This is my attempt at getting hot and heavy in the literary sense:
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He looked her up and down, and all around, and then a little but more in the middle... mainly where her boobs lay, slightly sloping down into her armpits. She wasn't what anyone would call classically beautiful, or even pretty, but he liked that about her - it meant that she wouldn't have to high expectations, she would be grateful even if he got off halfway through and made a sandwich.
She gazed back at him, longingly, lightly rubbing her tongue over her teeth and patting the bed, enticing him to move down.
He crawled over the bed towards her, and moved down to kiss her neck, as she leaned into a full kiss on his generous lips... her mouth, warm and soft, engulfed his nose and she could feel the hairs tickling her tongue but it only excited her more. It had been three weeks since she'd had the company of a man, and the last time had ended badly when she mentioned marriage. Looking back, she could see now that one half date and a fumble would maybe not be everyone's idea of true love, but she was sure she still felt something for Rodney, or Roger... she wasn't sure what his name was now.
They kissed passionately for a couple of minutes, eagerly exploring each others bodies with their hands - him groping wildly at her breasts and sometimes the her middle - they were both soft and voluptuous - her, snatching madly at his member (I love that word - it always makes me laugh - sorry, back to the story).
He was hard now, his love pole aching and throbbing in expectation, and she was making a bit of a puddle on the bedclothes that had gotten trapped between her ample thighs. He gasped when she leant down and too his engorged man meat into her mouth, partly in pleasure, and partly in pain as she snagged him on her teeth. She eagerly sucked up and down, a little to hard at first - but he didn't care, he knew that she was only trying to please him. Soon her cheeks started to ache, and she slowed to a rhythmic motion - he could feel the pressure rising when she gently lifted herself up. "Bollocks" he thought " why do they always do that? They finally get it right, and then they think its sexy to stop and tease me... just suck it damn you woman". He kept his thoughts to himself and laid back smiling at her - sure she was a big girl, but they always tried the hardest, and they were a lot cheaper to date... except maybe if they went out to dinner.
There was a pause, she caught her breath laying back on the bed and grinning at him. He realised then that she wasn't going to ride him, so sighing, he climbed on top... entering her, he could feel the slippery warmth and grinned - he wasn't expecting a snug fit. She groaned in pushed her head back into the pillows... bucking her hips forward to meet him. He slowed a little to look at her, from the side, she looked like a podgy lopsided J-Lo. He liked that... he liked J-Lo. The Latino singing sensation with such hits as that one about tonight, and money not buying you happiness in his head his rhythm increased. Closing his eyes he pounded away, with her underneath him grinding back and groaning in pleasure.
He stopped suddenly - and grinned, "get on your knees" he said, rolling her over. He was no longer gentle as he mounted her, her back arching - ass raised high to meet him. He pounded back and forth, feeling the tingling sensations rising as he caught himself in the mirror. Smiling to his reflection and winking, he stepped up the pace... exploding inside her and yelling "YEEEESSSSssss!!" as he did so.
Rolling off, she glanced at the clock - five minutes had passed from her looking when she took her shoes off. She smiled - that wasn't so bad... she'd been told that the quicker it was, the more a guy liked you... She gently stoked his back which was now facing her and asked him if he'd like a drink... but he was already asleep, "hopefully" she thought to herself "getting ready for round two."
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I am so sorry! I thought I could do it, but fuck me - writing this bollocks is hard... I think I'll leave it up to you geniuses to do it better.
User Reviews
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-17 17:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har member.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-12-17 16:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
On second thoughts, and actually reading it, this just isn't any good.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-12-17 16:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did a couple of Porn post fridays, but I don't have the time anymore.
I don't have time for porn, what has happened to me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-16 15:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've tried the erotic elements a couple times:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72293
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77239
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-16 14:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Sex post fri, and sex post mon, tue, wed...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-16 13:27:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why do they always do that? They finally get it right, and then they think its sexy to stop and tease me... just suck it damn you woman".
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True dat.
Submitted by Hexidecimal (user info) at 2005-12-16 12:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if i wanted erotic id read a farm auction list, but this made me laugh
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-12-16 11:51:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for semi hardon at work
+2 for fat dumb bitch beliving the faster it is the more he likes you
+2 for CREAMPIE!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-16 11:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Only ever posted one story with the SPF tag...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/43889
I've got a little McCallum style Erotica contest planned for after Christmas if anyone is interrested.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-16 11:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here were my contributions:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/43138
http://www.ubersite.com/m/43905
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-16 10:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't really need to walk around the office sporting my major chubby, my dear.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-16 10:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good tale. Got me all randy.
So hot and bothered that my nipples are harder than getting a pornstar off with an Asian's dick.
Guess what I've got in my hand now?
Yeah, baby.
That's right.
You know what daddy's got, all hot and full of milk - juuuuust for you.
It's a gingerbread latte from Starbucks, bitches!
This wasn't posted on Friday, but it should satisfy any SPF needs:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80920
Submitted by circadian_mist (user info) at 2005-12-16 10:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more rape.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-16 10:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My fingers are sticky now.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-16 09:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wasn't bad, just wasn't good enough to get me hard. You get a semi-flaccid +1.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-16 09:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was hilarious, I'd probably produce something similiar if I were forced to write erotic porn or whatever this is.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-16 09:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
eroticstories.com
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-16 08:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
unfortuantly, i will be unable to participate in this
'sex friday' you refer to,
or sex on any day...
posh.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-16 08:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh... yes! I remember that, I distinctly remember her bleating on about shagging loads of men she didn't know was actually about empowering women...
I sat and thought "You go Slut!" when she started to grimace at the pain of being banged by some random bloke without a condom and lube. Nice... I really felt like I was respected as a woman after she'd done that.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-12-16 08:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:23:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww you were touched by humanity. Thats a fairly amazing thing to lay claim to... remember that woman that screwed a 10,000 men or something, and never got paid?
-
annie cheugn or someone was the first to do that. i saw a very odd film about it. she was world famous almost for her tricks, but her stupid hong kongese old parents didn't know. finally the truth came out - DAUGHTER IS THE WORLD RECORD HOLDER FOR BEING FUCKED BY HUNDREDS OF MEN IN A ROW AND IS A HUGE PORN STAR - quite a shock for dad and mom. little annie, who had been talking up all sorts of feminist empowerement stuff, cried like a baby and begged for forgiveness.
it seemed to be a documentary.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:36:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
bring back SPF!
and BPW!
and BPS!
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What about RPM?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bring back SPF!
and BPW!
and BPS!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'just suck it damn you woman'
The male psyche in six words. Well done.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Geez. You're going to make me check for hidden cameras now.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww you were touched by humanity. Thats a fairly amazing thing to lay claim to... remember that woman that screwed a 10,000 men or something, and never got paid?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i did have an erection earlier - thanks to looking at satan's friend's tits and neck - but it has passed.
i'm afraid this did not really arouse me sexually
it was the warm sense of humanity that touched me.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have to admit that I only skimmed this very quickly, but this:
"He was hard now, his love pole aching and throbbing in expectation ... ."
Made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was pretty damn funny.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:14:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're touching away?
Pervert!
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-12-16 07:12:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
quite touching in a way