Mad scribblings of a beleaguered Smurfs: Munich (2086 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.96 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2005-12-16 15:57:25 EST
'My foot is the same size as the devil's.'
Catchy, I thought as my finger sat beneath the phrase scratched into my journal, hastily written and working its way off the line. A line no doubt written upon collapsing upon my bunk in whatever hostel I was staying at, my empty bed guaranteed by my impeccable foresight involving an exclusive 3000 mile relationship I decided upon before leaving for Europe.
I remember Europe as does every American reminiscing five-months after the fact; through the distorted fisheye at the bottom of an empty pint glass. Vague memories that hang themselves upon the walls of the subconscious, half remembered like the dozens of museums visited. But even as those museums blur, masterpieces will still glisten with clarity: standing before Mantegna's St. Sebastian, the Reuben's Room, Donatello's Mary Magdalene and Michelangelo's Pietas... so do phenomenal nights.
Munich. A village ripped from a Grimm's fairy tale and surrounded by a city. Quite possibly host to more drunk tourists than any other city I visited besides Prague. I also totally consider myself a tourist. Yes, I was missing the beer belly, middle-age wife, two-point-three children, and brand new camera... but my head was cocked in the air like every Japanese tourist I ever mocked in Times Square.
But these pages from my journal, written in hasty chicken scratch, don't describe out an iconic setting, they tell of a night that I don't remember, a night that started with the simple phrase, 'The fucking Glockenspiel makes me want to vomit.' The rest is pieced together from jumbled sentences with glaring spelling errors, question marks and vague ghosts wandering the gallery of my mind.
I was traveling alone, the warm hand on my shoulder was comforting then, as was the 'hello' that slipped from between the tight lights of a mousy girl wearing a 'Ski Iraq' shirt.
I smiled my dimpled smile that makes normally makes me instantly appealing, only to remember I hadn't shaved in about three weeks, the affect was lost. Also, she introduced me to her girlfriend.
'This is Anna.'
Anna looked at me like one appraises a month old carton of milk, 'The fucking Glockenspiel makes me want to vomit.'
Being the gentleman I was, I apologized on behalf of Hauberrisser and the people of Munich.
Her more... congenial mousy cohort, Jen, smiled at me, 'We're going to get wasted, interested?'
It's amazing how you talk to total strangers in Europe. I checked my watch, 11am, 'Sure.'
Jen handed me a flask, the first sip was licorice, the second, battery acid. 'What is that?!'
'Just something we picked up in Prague.'
Good, I thought and the drinking and the talking and the walking continued, the details get fuzzy but there was a church (Frauenkirche) with a footprint belonging to the devil and accompanying cute story. I only remember it cause it was the first church I was ever asked, not so politely, to leave. Apparently knocking a child out of the way, screaming that my foot matched the devil's and that I was the devil is frowned up, especially when there is a service in progress. Score one for US - German relations.
Enter Hofbrauhaus.
Oh thee that made such mockery of NYC's 'beer gardens.' Immense sloping ceilings, large communal tables, lederhosen, accordions, steins the size of an infant... Heorot reborn.
We stagger in, sliding into a booth already overcrowded with Germans and Americans. Steins are dropped in front of us and conversation rises to a slurred, just-short-of-screaming to be heard over the polka band merrily swaying through the throng. It is of course at a lull in the music that the alcohol finally destroys my tact and my words fill the empty ceiling, 'DO YOU ENJOY BEING LESBIANS?!'
I witness mass whiplash as the heads' of every English-speaking (or English porn watching) male swivels in our direction. I don't know if the girls notice, but Jen's voice is normal. 'Normally.'
Anna, scowls, 'Jen's been a bitch lately.'
I nod, empathizing. 'I think,' my head rolls slightly, 'I think you should kiss and make up.'
Anna hates me, Jen... well Jen had been drinking a lot, Jen laughs and says something about guys being all the same and leans in to start kissing her friend. Around us applause breaks out, cat-calling and various words thrown out in languages I don't understand.
I wish I could have seen what happened but I am grabbed from behind, pulled out of my seat and twirled violently in a circle to come face to breath that must be slightly toxic. I reel but am held upright by two gigantic hairy arms. 'American,' the breath asks/demands?!
I nod, vaguely, trying not to vomit into the gray and black beard obscuring the leathered face.
'THEN YOU MUST DANCE!' Music erupts form somewhere and my arms are linked with others. Legs are kicking and people are singing. Steins are waving and beer is sloshing upon the ground, the grates cut into the floor doing nothing. We are twirling and spinning and I'm just trying to maintain my balance. I'm hoisted into the air, my fingers desperately trying to maintain their grip on my now empty beer stein, its contents previously deposited across the entire side of a table, to their delight.
I'm on a table next to a fat man in a funny green hat, suspenders and short-shorts. He's clapping his hands to the music and kicking out his legs, I'm trying rather unsuccessfully to not fall over, but I'm yelling and laughing and at some point I must have complimented his outfit because the next thing I know his shorts are on the table and there are hands working at my belt.
I guess you know you're drunk when you aren't protesting a horde of men trying to rip your pants off.
The pants come down, the outfits are swapped and I'm singing in what I think is Japanese but is probably nonsensical gibberish in shorts that could fit two of me, thankfully held up by suspenders. Of course the large amount of empty room calls for beer and people are pouring theirs down my shorts and just tossing ale into the air.
The world spins, and nothing.
I wake up in the hostel, awoken by a couple packing early to leave... they keep throwing glances my way and I crawl out of my bunk towards the bathroom. The girl laughs and the guy shakes his head. I look down, and despite my boxers I'm covered in random languages, scrawled in black pen all over my body.
'Enjoy Hofbrauhaus,' the guy asks?
'Yeah?' My reply shaky.
'It's on your chest, above the picture of a penis. At least you had fun, we apparently missed the lesbians.'
I nodded and turned to the bathroom, to loud laughter behind me. 'And you may want to call 089 9509 6099.'
'Huh?'
The guy shrugged, 'No idea but Lukas wants his clothes back.'
... Ah, souvenirs.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:50:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow man. Glad to see you are still around. Germany sounds like a lot
of fun.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-19 13:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2005-12-19 07:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Full on.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-19 06:46:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm, beer...
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-12-17 13:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I almost put this one on the meter, but it wasn't worthy.
Glad to hear you're doing well.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-12-17 13:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bigmike
"Hey Smurfy, how you been?"
----------------
Good, busy though. It's amazing how you can not even notice your life dissappearing as a 1L. Worth it though. It's interesting and nice to be learning instead of paralegaling. I made sure not to be to schmoopy for you Mike. Hope everything is well on your end!
~Mike
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-12-17 11:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-12-17 10:54:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
classic
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-17 06:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W X50000
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-12-17 03:12:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see you posting again.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-12-17 01:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"'THEN YOU MUST DANCE!'"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Hey Smurfy, how you been?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-17 01:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
im sorry smura im so durnk i misut ruina ryou rating becase i type so goadamn queer.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-12-17 00:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by little.schmatty (user info) at 2005-12-16 22:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'nuff said.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-16 22:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:47:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have stayed in Europe. Law school is teh SuXXorZ.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:39:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Missed you. Glad to see you're still around. Happy Holidays!
Great post too per usual.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice pic to go with post
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So that's what you've been up to.
Now iss de time on Shprockets vhen ve dance!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah...nothing like a little 7 month siesta.
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Huh?'
The guy shrugged, 'No idea but Lukas wants his clothes back.'
...Oh I know that feeling...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, memories....sounds like it was a blast.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:10:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alle trinke bier!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that made me actually want to go see a european town for the first time in my life. or at least a european bar, maybe a european brothel too.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey all, hope everyone is well, law school is... insane. Did this to procrastinate instead of studying for a contracts test.
I wish i had pictures for any of these stories, but my gf lost the cds I gave her that had all the pictures I transfered off my digital and then that broke so for the rest of my trip I was carrying around like 20 disposables.
Ah well, good to see people are still around.
~Mike
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAwesome!
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:04:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmmmmm, beer
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SMURFS!!!!!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-16 16:01:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As always, excellent
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-12-16 15:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-16 15:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to see my favorite writer on here is still around
Now to read this drivel.