Merry Christmas Grandma (635 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.82 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Stan> (View user info) at 2005-12-16 17:03:17 EST
After leaving my freshman year of college I thought I was a professional drinker. I could drink with the best of them and no one was going to tell me any differently.
On Christmas Eve of 2002 I went home to my grandparents place. It's a small town so the bars are open Christmas Eve as well as Christmas day. After being bombarded by the regular questions that family members asked I was finally taken aside by my older cousins who asked the more exciting questions. You drink now? Yup. You have a fake ID? Yup, I printed one off my computer that I take to this old Chinese man and he gives me whatever I want. Your computer? Yeah, just did a search on Google and found some Id without holograms and all that shit, added my picture, changed the name, went to Kinko's and had it laminated. And it works? I have only tried it on the old Chinese man, I thought better of pressing my luck. Think it will work in the bars here? Only one way to find out.
This was my first experience with Jim and coke. I was drinking them as fast as they could possibly put them in front of me. There was nothing special to the night, just cousins talking about college life. Getting drunk, hooking up, and somewhere in between the both, studies.
Driving home felt like we were in a roller coaster. I remember saying something like, "um are you guys are fucked up as I am?" With them replying, "No man, you're just a pussy." All fades to black and the next semi-hazy moment I remember being thrown out of the car and having to get into my grandmothers house. I have a clear memory of standing in the bathroom and splashing water on my face telling myself how fucked up I was. This was my last memory of the night.
At 8 in the morning I am woken up by my mother screaming my full name and asking "what the fuck have you done?" I shot out of bed and realized that the sheets were stuck to the side of my face. Looking around I see that I am not in my guest bed, but in my grandmothers bed. Taking a look around I realize that in the middle of the night I had vomited what seemed to be several bottles of Jim, many liters of coke, and stuff which resembled maybe a hotdog. All of which I had basked in through the night and had formed like plaster to my face.
"WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF BED THIS INSTANT." I nearly shit my pants. She made me of course clean all of the sheets on my grandmothers bed and apologize for my actions in front of the entire family. The cousins were of course laughing the entire time.
Come to find out when I had left the bathroom, I had fallen through my grandmothers door on my way to my room, and lay comatose on her floor. The thud of what I am guessing was my head hitting the floor woke her up. Feeling bad for me she had placed me in her bed and went to sleep in the guest bed. To this day, everytime I go out to the bars with any of my family I get a little sit down with my grandma.
"Now, you cant go out and do that again, I had to buy all new sheets cause I couldn't get the smell and stain out of the old ones."
User Reviews
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2005-12-17 03:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
If you, or any of your friends, ever collide with a car containing me or my family,
I will beat you within an inch of your life(in self defense)before the police arrive.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-17 01:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i realize that you wemtnionged the wrod college and d you 'be yo probably a virgin because you actually like men that's whtehy eway it goes so says that bitfch who tldd you yo''re gay becasue you didn't like her sutpidi fat ass
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-17 01:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love hearing/making old people swear.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-12-16 19:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're such a shit-dick.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-16 18:23:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Dude, you hit it with your grandma!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:50:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I hope you weren't driving, ya goddamn amateur.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your first mistake was drinking Jim Beam with anything or by
itself. That shit is rot-gut garbage. Try a good Irish whiskey
on the rocks with a beer chaser. Silly kids. . .
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:06:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
This would have been funnier if you fucked her, though. Well, funnier for me anyways.
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JEEzuz!
+2 for bourbon and cola, the drink of fallen kings.
Submitted by StanleyBostitch (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:18:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Definitly refuse to drive drunk or ride with someone driving drunk. I have hitch hiked home from the bars before to avoid it.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:16:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
maybe I misread the driving home part as you weren't the one driving. Benefit of the doubt
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it that when you're that fucked up, it gets even worse when you lay down? There had to be a reason for that.
+2 because you said you had a DD
You DID have a DD did't you?
cause if you're lying to us then Santa will not bring you any presents.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:12:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by StanleyBostitch (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:10:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
drunk driving stories just don't do it for me- even on uber
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No drunk driving. One of them was DD.
==============================================
Ok, then here you go.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cousins are great for shit like that. Now, on my 18th b-day, my mom and my Grandaddy, God rest him, took me and my best friend out to the bars (Louisiana, you could drink at 18 back then). The night ended up with me passed out in the car, occasionally opening the door to hurl, and my best friend and mom and granddaddy partying till 2 am. Grandaddy would come outside every hour on the hour, open the door, and say, "You okay, Grandaughter??? (that's what he called me, rarely ever by my name cause he had so many and was a tad senile) No? HEHEHEHE HAWHAW!!!" Then he'd slam the door.
Submitted by StanleyBostitch (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
drunk driving stories just don't do it for me- even on uber
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No drunk driving. One of them was DD.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:09:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:08:41 (#)
Ranking: -1
drunk driving stories just don't do it for me- even on uber
=============================
I just caught that. I concur.
Submitted by StanleyBostitch (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This would have been funnier if you fucked her, though. Well, funnier for me anyways.
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I knew that would be coming.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
drunk driving stories just don't do it for me- even on uber
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:07:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I have a clear memory of standing in the bathroom and splashing water on my face telling myself how fucked up I was."
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If there is one TRUE litmus test for innebriation, I believe it is the practice of informing one's own reflection in the mirror that it is wasted.
More accurate than a breathalyzer, if you ask me.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-16 17:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This would have been funnier if you fucked her, though. Well, funnier for me anyways.