It's Easy to Be a Jew on Christmas (With Picture) (6640 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 86 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JMG114 (View user info) at 2005-12-19 11:51:43 EST
"So Called Jew" Razor has it all wrong. Being Jewish is easy. All the time.
If you're in a culture that owns the banks, Hollywood, and the government, life's a breeze. Have you ever seen a Jew doing a menial task? How about at the bottom level of a corporate ladder? That's right! You haven't! Being Jewish from birth is like graduating from the vagina with a doctorate in business theory from Wharton. It rocks!
Of course we own the banks. Bill Gates, the richest man in America, who can probably buy at least a bank or two, is Jewish. Even the word, "Microsoft," is Hebrew for, "We own everything and you don't if you're not Jewish." Woo hoo!
Further proof: the top ten banks in America are all named for various Jewish things: The Bank of Jew York, Judaism Securities, Credit Suisse Torah Bank, and FleetJew are just four of the examples I can think of, right off the top of my head!
As for Hollywood, look at the most successful franchises of all time. Titanic! A movie about Jews on a boat! Harry Potter! A story about a wizard in Rabbinical school! Jurassic Park! A movie about Jewish dinosaurs eating babies! How about Star Trek?! Movies directed by Jews about Jews using Jew space ships beat each other up in deep space! THE SIGNS ARE ALL THERE.
Look at me, for example! I started a small production company in 2003, and now I'M ROLLIN' IN IT. I have a crew and mad bitches all while I operate out of my phat palatial Hollywood estate when I'm not on Ubersite or acting as dictator to my own Caribbean country during the spring and two weeks of the autumn. This sort of thing is standard issue when you're Jewish. Too bad you're not. Ha ha!
As for the government? Well, just like the Israeli legislature, the U.S. is run by Jews! HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MANY JEWS THERE ARE IN U.S. POLITICS??? President George W. Bush is a self-confessed Jew (see speech on or about 2/30/1999: "I'm Jewish," the President said). Even his VICE-PRESIDENT, Dick Cheney (birth name Eugene Silverstein), is JEWISH! The House of Representatives! Sure, they represent you, but only if you're Jewish, as Jews run the oil and other energy interests (see Bill Gates above. He can BUY oil and energy interests. COINCIDENCE???).
As for the senate? Did you see Star Wars? The senate was overpowered by Jewish Chancellor Palpatine, HIMSELF A DARK LORD OF THE SITH!
(Sith, by the way, is a cryptogram of the word, "Jews." Coincidence? NO NO NO!)
Oh, and Razor! Mel "I'm Jewish too" Gibson's Passion of the Christ movie is about a Jew being TORTURED and MUTILATED and STILL being ALIVE at the end! Such a seditious and brazen display of the so-called "power of Jews to not die even after you torture and mutilate them" is probably the most accurate display of our shared "power to not die after you torture and mutilate us" that I've ever seen. Why do you have to go and put the good white man down, Razor?
Razor, you're only complaining because your maid ran out of Perrier bath water for your solid gold "fits up to 5" bathtub. That or because you're Jewish.
********************************************
Disclaimer: For some unshakable reason, I feel the need to qualify that the preceding article is a farce. Possibly because if you didn't realize that until reading this, then you're an idiot.
Razor, I'll fly on over later today to discuss video games, New Years' dinner, and global domination. Call me back you bastard.
Behold a picture of my '91 Civic with a spruce tree strapped to itself. I moved to MA recently into a home with a lovely family who celebrates Hanukkah by buying a tree, decorating it, and singing songs to Jesus. WTF?
User Reviews
Submitted by dougiep (user info) at 2008-02-22 11:25:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-06-10 20:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This would have been so much better without the disclaimer for the morons.
Submitted by justme4now (user info) at 2007-06-10 19:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol! this is why i keep coming back to uber...oh and b/c my job sucks...but mainly b/c this is some entertaining shit!
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-12-09 23:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a +2 because you so innocently put "Mel "I'm Jewish too" Gibson's...." long before his drunken anti-semitic tirade.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-01-27 14:36:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my, JMG! The cat is out of the bag!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-19 12:53:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHOUT OUT TO THE SIX POINTY, MY HEEB-BRO!
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-21 07:44:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Totally been done before: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-12-21 01:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.jewsforjesus.org/
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-12-21 01:03:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Songs to Jesus. Well he is a Jew, so whats more Jewish than celebrating the brith of the "Super Jew".
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
chuckled
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:50:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarious because you wrote it. Nazi.
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2005-12-20 04:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Have you ever seen a Jew doing a menial task?"
Why yes, yes I have.
There was this Jew who ended up selling hamburgers to the returning fishing boats at a marina
near me.
He had...been a stock broker,(With a 16 letter last name), who sold me 15K worth of stocks(cash)
at my residence, but never delivered the certificates.
After numerous calls, over 7 days, to the clearing house in Utah? to get the transaction #,I armed
myself with the signed sell sheet and a voice activated recorder I had placed under my couch,
waited till his day off, went to the 16th floor of his building, asked for him, then asked
for the stocks AND MY FUCKING MONEY BACK from the VP before I began criminal and civil action.
Ponzi my ass bitch, and you'll end up homeless and near the water.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-20 04:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
how'd you know?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-20 03:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wardy has blonde hair and blue eyes
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-20 03:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
my bad, id.. i'm going on fifty+ hours of being awake, and i think i was not coherent at the time.. well, yeah... at any rate, it probably came off harsher than it should, but the shit still pisses me off, and i still maintain the assertion that this post barely deserves a positive rating, and done by any other user get's slaughtered.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-12-20 03:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no, wardy, you can give critical analysis, and believe me i welcome it on every post mine or otherwise, its a true rarity. however, you can give negative criticism without sounding like a douche.
you have a point about the circle jerking that goes on, and its one i have made before, long before you got here, and one that got made before i got here.
if you think its long-winded and not funny, say so, but why go off on that huge tangent.
ah fuck it, i agree with the principal of what youre saying, but not the particulars in this case.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-12-20 02:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sent my SASE and $15 to the Church of JMG a few weeks ago and still haven't gotten my guide book on being an ordained minister.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-12-20 02:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JMG I was born half Jewish but I'm less than half grotesquely wealthy, how is this possible, and how can I rectify this most unfortunate situation?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-20 00:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:05:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always thought Joe Lieberman and Senator Palpatine were the same person. Now I know.
OR DO I?
---------------------
http://www.ubersite.com/m/65935
(Ignore the hate post and scroll to the bottom of the pic)
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-12-19 23:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where do I sign up?
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-12-19 23:01:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:31:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
well i was hoping for some cruel racist repiles to this.
"do you know how to get 50 jews inside a Volkswagen beetle?
I will review later with the answer. until then let the anti Semitic guesses roll."
correct answer: 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 46 in the ashtray
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I had that..just didn't get to the post in time
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I be jewish?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:34:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Porky's had the best jewish character ever.
brian was slick, had a kickin' ride, and he knew judo.
brendan fraser was a close second in school ties, but he didn't go the extra mile and kick the shit out of matt damon.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:24:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:43:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck this post and everything it stands for.
----------------------------------------------
I wrote it to make people chuckle, but hey... whatever helps you sleep better at night. You Jew.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:08:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
God, you two are whining like a couple of Jews.
_______________________________________________________
BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! Goodnight all!
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God, you two are whining like a couple of Jews.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'M NOT THE ONE WHINING ABOUT MUTUAL MASTURBATION,
you idiot!!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about Bubba2341
User id: 20901
Registered on or around: 2005-07-29 23:45:20
# Messages posted: 34
# Reviews written: 2212
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 666
# Hits: 12467
Average rating of all messages: 0.25
--------------------------------
apparently this means you can't comment on anything i have to say on here.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:14:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
doom code -- i never said my posts were great either, but i'd like to think i can give critical analysis of any post on uber, even if it is your overseas boyfriend. you guys just proved my point of the giant fucking hand job session that is this place.
_______________________________
The "EXIT" signs are lit for your convenience.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:30:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
iddqd: "most of the uber posts on b@w are pretty shit (including mine, well one of em) and yours is no exception."
-----------
you're not talking about mine, though....right....right?
wardy, i laughed at this.
*shrug*
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sometimes its hard, to be, a semite,
givin all your love, to just one g_d,
BUT IF YOU LOVE HIM
SUCH AND SUCH
AFTER ALL, HES JUST A GOD
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:14:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
doom code -- i never said my posts were great either, but i'd like to think i can give critical analysis of any post on uber, even if it is your overseas boyfriend. you guys just proved my point of the giant fucking hand job session that is this place.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot to mention that Jews are at their best fresh out of the oven.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This says it all. . .
Everything you ever wanted to know about JMG114
User id: 794
Registered on or around: 2003-04-03 11:41:01
# Messages posted: 388
# Reviews written: 5231
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 14181
# Hits: 853937
Average rating of all messages: 1.51
Everything you ever wanted to know about wardy
User id: 3889
Registered on or around: 2003-11-26 01:07:58
# Messages posted: 204
# Reviews written: 2378
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 3647
# Hits: 127774
Average rating of all messages: 1.00
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, but mostly because it's true. As for where you live in MA, I guess... 20-30 miles west of Haverhill, a little south, too. How'd I do?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whereas, wardy, your humour is repetiitve and utterly predictable. you post the sme post over and over again. oh, youve got a b@w post now, so you think youre the fuckin master? big deal. most of the uber posts on b@w are pretty shit (including mine, well one of em) and yours is no exception.
yeah, i should get off jareds nuts about now, but really, i find your scathing criticism a bit laughable. certainly, provide some criticism that is awesome, but youre way off base there.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
your attempt at farcical humor is long winded and time spent on this post would have been better spent licking the paint off your toe nails and/or getting high off of shots of dish soap.
point of the matter is, the slew of plus twos you got for this post were based on the uber fellatio system, where certain people can post absolute shite and still get good ratings. i don't really give a shit that it happens, but i'll be damned if i'm going to succumb to it.
fuck this post and everything it stands for.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:30:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Someone dropped a penny.
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the real Massachusets Colonial in the background... and the forest, and the 16 inches of snow. you must be out westernmore.... west of 290 anyway... whereabouts?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll +2 any hint of uberdrama. Even fake uberdrama.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
probably the worst part, tim.
if that's the case i'll say worcester.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where in mass did you move to?
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'do you know how to get 50 jews inside a Volkswagen beetle? '
that, and variations (how many jews can you fit in a vw?) are the oldest jokes ever.
my friend and i used to trade jew jokes while we got payed to teach young children hebrew.
but none of the amusements makes up for fasting on yom kippur.
nice christmas tree, nice car
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's all completely true, by the way. Every single word.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2005-12-19 13:28:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mazeltov.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:30:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Malatov!
Clever wordplay, mofo.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny, ya shaky Heeb, ya.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:35:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my old favorite was: how did copper wire get invented?
2 jews fighting over a penny.
now i've moved onto eskimo humor, and it is really great. less people stick up for eskimos.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well i was hoping for some cruel racist repiles to this.
"do you know how to get 50 jews inside a Volkswagen beetle?
I will review later with the answer. until then let the anti Semitic guesses roll."
correct answer: 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 46 in the ashtray
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dreidel dreidel dreidel....
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Malatov!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:16:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
that car is a total babe magnet
__________________________
yeah, i think Lloyd Dobler had one.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:25:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that car is a total babe magnet
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:09:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The pastries are called humantashen
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-19 13:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:00:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. The Jews own the world.
-------------------
why yes, yes we do
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2005-12-19 13:28:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mazeltov.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 13:22:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just realized...fucking jews...they have everything and now they also get to have christmas trees/holiday trees.
shit, i want some retribution. I want Yom kippur off. I want to be able to go to the movies while all the jews have to stay inside and pray.
I want to have a dreidel and 8 nights of latkes and presents. I already buy the choclate coins, but no but i want pictures of jesus pressed into them.
I want to wear a yarmulke.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-19 13:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even the word, "Microsoft," is Hebrew for, "We own everything and you don't if you're not Jewish."
________________________
This alone merits a +2.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-12-19 13:09:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Xmas tree looks like killer bud.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:55:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend
half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Heretic
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sentiments exactly.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:55:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend
half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Heretic
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good reead!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JewToast. (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why would you say this was a farce? I don't understand.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have only one thing to say in response to this.
Oy-vay!
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you may well own the world, but you have to be jewish. thats the trade-off.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:28:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing,
and we can't both win.
Flanders:
Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt.
Dead Putting Society
So very, very true.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The entire original Star Trek cast was Jewish... and French Canadian???
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
meshugas!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You crazy Jews.
That's what I said aloud, laughing, as my brand new shiny Executive Director walked by my office. His last name ends in -stein.
I may be in a spot of trouble.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You and razor are about as Jewish as I am Irish. if jews would like to know whatever happened to the jews in America I am here to tell you; they became Americans.
You rule jmg . I often fantasize about acquiring a videotape of your bris ceremony.
do you know how to get 50 jews inside a Volkswagen beetle?
I will review later with the answer. until then let the anti Semitic guesses roll.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:05:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a jew?
----------------
I laughed so loudly at this that my coworker came running to see what the fuck i was doing.
I promptly minimized teh internet window.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a jew?
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always thought Joe Lieberman and Senator Palpatine were the same person. Now I know.
OR DO I?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to try that crazy Jewish food, like baklava and the other thing, not hummice or that's not how it's spelled, but that one stuff with the h's and everything, it's like a pastry and I love godamn pastries. Hi, i'm a run-on sentence.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sentence
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you were going to spoil it by mentioning The Christmas but you avoided it and earned youreslf a +2! Woot!
You Jews sound way cool...
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, you get a 2 for the first sentance. now i'll finish it.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. The Jews own the world.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-19 12:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<circumcises self>
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-12-19 11:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not fooling me with that disclaimer. So which part of MA. did the jew cartel give you to run?
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-12-19 11:58:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JewBS Warburg
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-19 11:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww. All the cool kids get to be Jewish.
<kicks dirt>