Life Lesson Learned #2760: The Burning Asshole (4684 hits)
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Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2005-12-19 14:22:13 EST
Life Lesson Learned #2760: The Burning Asshole AKA Don't Smoke and Shit!
First off, this is not a story about Mexican Food, or probing sphincters with digits doused in Tabasco Sauce...I've already learned those lessons. Today tale is a brand new life lesson that I had to learn the hard way. The scene opens with a fat man sitting on the toilet...
Let's go to the Lavatory!!!!
***Spoiler warning: this story involves adults in situations that involve poop, feces, "making," squirts, farting, brown sauce, cocoa puddin', stinks, smells, fire, and asshole pain...if you find these subjects offensive, juvenile or boring...please stop reading...or grow a spine as these are only words on a screen.***
So, I'm at work. And I'm dropping a major 10AM deuce. This was a "reminder" deuce. It reminded me of the regret of eating 2 White Castle cheeseburgers and a Vanilla shake when I got home last night after seeing King Kong. As a matter of fact, this was a Kong-Kaliber porcelain drop-off. I was gassy as hell, as well. So I had the type of shits that I like to call the "Mr. Bucket" shits.
[An aside: Am I the only one who remembers the kids game Mr. Bucket? I never owned it but I saw the commercial on what I remember as a loop from age 12 to 17. He's a robotic bucket that scurries about the floor and colored (racist) balls pop out of his mouth. The kids are supposed to scoop up their colored ball and put it in Mr. Buckets head before it popped out again...somehow, throughout all this confusion a winner is crowned....]
Mr. Bucket Shits = Poop balls get shot out my ass by farts in a similar fashion of balls popping out of Mr. Bucket's head. And "Your Welcome" for ruining that childhood memory.
Believe me...there is a Burning Asshole in this story.
So I'm poopin' out the White Castle and since I'm gonna be there awhile and since the work bathroom is cold, I decide to light a cigarette. And when I say cold, I mean cold! The weather outside was about 29 this morning, and the work toilet has a direct vent to outside...vent meaning its more like a hole in the wall covered by a screen. Pretty much it's an open portal, so the weather outside is the same as the weather inside. Porcelain + Below Freezing + pearly white ass cheeks that have never seen sunlight = Teeth Chattering. So I'm smoking to stay warm, and also because I'm a filthy addict who will find an excuse to smoke whenever I can.
The dude in the stall next to me says I shouldn't be smoking in here.
I tell him breathe in deep, and let loose a gust of wind that would rival Hurricane Katrina, people in New Orleans trembled in fear.
So I'm smoking and shitting, shitting and smoking. And I shiver in the cold. I was smoking an American Spirit and they take forever to smoke, so I was about halfway through and decide to extinguish the cigarette. There was no ashtray, so I do what any person would do and drop off the still burning smoke between my legs and into the bowl.
In a cruel twist of fate at the same moment of cigarette droppage, I let loose a torrent of gas. In the millisecond before the obvious ending, in my head I did the mathematical equation of "Lit Cigarette + Concentrated Methane = Explosion? And said "nah, it would never happen!"
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!
The sound was exactly like the sound it makes when put a lighter into a glass bottle, fill it with gas, flip it over and light the top. It's that sound of all the air being used up real quick by oxygen suckage of fire. Now imagine that near your grendel.
The smell was that of hot shit and burning hair. The hair being that of the taint/asshole region.
And, oh yes, the pain. The pain was scary. A very hot, very intense, very momentary wave of pain that touched every part of my body which should never be exposed to heat. It's the kind of pain you imagine that only hellfire can deliver.
I'm also proud to announce that when my asshole touches fire I scream in a hi-pitch sonic wavetone that has the ability to make dogs bark and my own ears bleed.
"What the fuck is happening in there?" I hear from the next stall.
"I just burned myself."
"Damn! Told you! You shouldn't be smoking!"
"Yea thanks."
The cleaning process was interesting. Ever have a sunburn? Now imagine someone rubbing sandpaper (the office toilet paper equivalent) across your burned back...YEP! That smarts! Pulling up the drawers, and as a matter of fact every single goddamn step I take is a test of torture. The worst pain still pulses and throbs when I have to sit. Yes, I work an office job, and yes, I sit all day.
Thank god I'm quitting Nic-Sticks in January...or at least making a serious attempt.
Oh Uber, Anyone got aloe? You know, for my asshole!
Will
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-23 01:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-23 01:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, fart lighting jokes are teh meh.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-12-21 10:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-20 04:29:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
you are so unoriginal that you need to actually put yourself through a tired busted old gag such as this in order to have a nice little story to share with the rest of the class? "
Yawn.
Um, if its unoriginal, find me other stories like it...the story came from my brain...deal with it.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-12-21 10:28:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed until tears started welling.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:33:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-20 07:21:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-20 04:29:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
you are so unoriginal that you need to actually put yourself through a tired busted old gag such as this in order to have a nice little story to share with the rest of the class?
--------------------------------
Agreed.
If some n00b had come along and posted this, they'd be flamed and cursed into eternal
uber-damnation.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Whatever, I thought it was funny. now go post it on poopreport.com
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We used to light farts as kids for fun and I have dropped many a lit cig in the toilet while shitting so thanks for the PUCKER WHEN DROPPING tip! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-20 07:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-20 04:29:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
you are so unoriginal that you need to actually put yourself through a tired busted old gag such as this in order to have a nice little story to share with the rest of the class?
--------------------------------
Agreed.
If some n00b had come along and posted this, they'd be flamed and cursed into eternal
uber-damnation.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-12-20 07:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome !!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-20 06:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-20 06:41:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Both ha and yuck in equal measures.
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2005-12-20 04:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I dropped a cigarette on my dick once while shitting.
Now I just throw them over to the next stall and listen to the mayhem.
Yeah...I'm an asshole.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-20 04:29:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you are so unoriginal that you need to actually put yourself through a tired busted old gag such as this in order to have a nice little story to share with the rest of the class?
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor, poor bastard
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, and yes, I do remember Mr. Bucket
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:32:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-19 17:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm Mr. Bucket, I put my balls in your mouth. Bitch."
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-12-19 17:46:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ow.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...next time, put the Fag in the neighbours biffy. Let him burn his ass if he doesn't understand the sweet sweet pleasure ..."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I am cornholio...do you have TP for my bungholio?"
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Porcelain + Below Freezing + pearly white ass cheeks that have never seen sunlight = Teeth Chattering
HA HA HA!
If you're not willing to go to the Dr. to have him/her look at your hole. Try Zinc oxide cream, yes, the same stuff they put of babies butts when they have a rash, it will lubricate, crate a moisture barrier and help soothe.
Good post, next time, put the Fag in the neighbours biffy. Let him burn his ass if he doesn't understand the sweet sweet pleasure of smoking in the bathroom.
-I'm a non-smoker, I can just understand the draw....
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yet another reason to quit smoking.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's the Will Zone I know.
Sorry about your poopy hole. I got the number for a good butt doctor if you need it.
Submitted by windowsrcold (user info) at 2005-12-19 15:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was some funny shit, now stop smoking genius.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is this autobiographical?
YES.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:50:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice. quit smoking.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is this autobiographical?
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
i'm glad i'm not the only one who still sings that.. i use the dorky/slow/exceptional person voice they used on the commercial.
i rule!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:36:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That probably wasn't very smart.
Then again, I guess you've already realized that by now.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:35:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr. Bucket, put your balls in my to...
HOLY SHIT, Mr. Bucket got teh ghey.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sing the "Mr. Bucket" song quite often.
Submitted by CrazyCanuck (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh.
I usually take pleasure in other peoples stupidity.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-19 14:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hysterical.