Knuckle Deep In Boogerville… (1122 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ahumblefool (View user info) at 2005-12-19 17:13:54 EST
After working on a prospective client for the last six months, I finally had the opportunity to present my wares on Saturday. Now, I really wanted to win this client because they are rumored to pay well and pay on time. These are big pluses when you are self-employed. I had heard through the grapevine that the owner's son was currently training to take his place, and that he had a habit, a nasty habit of picking his nose in front of all mankind, and felt no shame. Personally I could not see anyone really doing this so blatantly so just ignored the hearsay. On my way to their office I called and asked if I could pick-up a coffee for anyone (this works well when seeing new clients, shows some initiative and a real desire to kiss ass). Three people took me up on the offer, and so with a brief stop I rolled into the meeting 15 minutes early.
The receptionist led me to the conference room and I set up my laptop and projector to go over a few past client projects. The prospective clients entered right on time, an older gentleman who was the current owner; a younger man, late twenties, who was the soon to be president and son of the owner and two young ladies who were working on the current marketing needs of the company. I made my introductions, asked if I could begin, and started my presentation. About five minutes into the presentation the son began to pick his nose. At first I tried to ignore the whole situation, but he was seated in a position that placed him directly in my view. I kept on with my presentation, but as the minutes passed, he picked with a greater fervor.
My attention began to waiver as I could not help but wonder where he was wiping his treasures, were they going on his pants, under the table or under the chair. I could hear myself talking through my presentation, but my mind was completely focused on this kid picking his nose. I was in complete awe with the fact that he was able to place so much of his finger into his nose, it appeared to go all the way down to the second joint. This kid was not just picking, he was mining. It was like watching the Discovery Channel and seeing those big steam shovels at work. Dig in deep, pull forward, wipe, and continue the process. He was not even trying to hide the fact. It was there for everyone to see, no paper in front of the face, hand in front of nose, I mean just picking away.
As my presentation came to an end, I could hear from a distance one of the ladies asking me a question, and for a brief moment I simply could not respond. I heard her say, "Excuse me," and this pulled me out of the mind fog I was currently in. I answered her questions as best as I could, but I was unable to not stare at the young man. I peered down at my watch and noticed that I had been there for thirty-five minutes. He had been picking for thirty minutes or more. As the questions continued, I placed my hands in my lap as if I do not, my hands have a way of communicating all on their own, and this can be bad sometimes. At one point, while my hands were trying to express themselves, it came up underneath the table. It was for just a moment that it scratched the undersides of the table, and I could feel the hard knobbles of gold mining.
I was instantly sick, and caught myself in a gag reflex, that luckily was just that, a gag. As the meeting ended, the handshakes began, and as the young gentleman came to me, and reached out with that hand that had been so engrossed in his nose, I could not shake it, not that I did not try, but my hand had a mind of its own, and as it went up, it flowed quickly to my face to cover a cough. He moved on, and I apologized. As I was taking down my equipment one of the young ladies came into the office and was very apologetic about the whole event. I asked if this was a normal behavior and she said that unfortunately it was, it was a nervous habit that was severally handicapping his ability to move up in the company. She then gave me a quick smile and said,
"It is even more prominent when someone sits in his favored seat." With that she gave a little teetering laugh and left. I spent the next ten minutes in the bathroom trying to wash the unmistakable feeling of dried nose goblins from the back of my hand.
I do not really think I can work for that company.
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-22 13:22:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For God so loved the world, he gave us his one and only humblefool.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-23 00:40:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:41:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny but not nearly as funny as the post Jack linkwhored.
Submitted by Unbound (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was good until the picture. That just grossed me out.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-20 13:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, I am sorry your clients are like that. Hopefully that is an isolated case. Otherwise I have prochures on assisted suicide.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-20 13:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You could rob a bank with a booger if you wanted to.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-20 11:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-19 18:07:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you feel about someone who picks their ass for thirty minutes at a time?
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Or scratches as the very least, or someone who's constantly shifting his balls from one side of said winky to the other?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-20 11:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creepy huh?
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yes, but that only means we're probably more alike than you would think
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:53:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At my job, I have to share a computer with people, and I've found some interesting things lying between the keys on my keyboard. I think somebody's scab was lying between the O and P keys this morning.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:39:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
so you are the guy I'm going to be driving with next month?
after reading this I realize that there will only be one talented writer in the car, and here's a hint (it's not me)
___________________________
Creepy huh?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so you are the guy I'm going to be driving with next month?
after reading this I realize that there will only be one talented writer in the car, and here's a hint (it's not me)
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-20 08:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ICKY
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-20 08:31:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was expecting a picture of one of your kids...
...this made me much more sick. Nice writing.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-20 07:18:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-20 04:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-19 18:07:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you feel about someone who picks their ass for thirty minutes at a time?
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-20 04:29:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was golden!
However I really can't understand his pick-and-wipe booger disposal method. It simply leaves too much evidence.
I find the pick-roll-flick method works well, it redistributes the evidence into the vicinity of others.
Alternatively, if you're struggling to beat hunger pains, simply pick-roll-eat. You kill two birds with one stone; there is no evidence and you get to chow down on a rich source of calcium.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-19 22:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great picture, great metaphors, etc.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:01:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I, too, have suffered from that sinking feeling when you KNOW you've just come into contact with petrified nose nuggets.
When starting my current job, I took over the desk/cube/pod/manger/sty of the woman who I was replacing. I got my computer on the second day (and my, what fun and fantastic two computer-less days THOSE were), and needed to check the back of the tower to find where to plug in my headphones.
I crawled underneath the desk and lay on my back to inspect the ports and plugs and such, when I glanced upwards and felt myself lurch.
There above me I spied a field of boogers turned stalagtites. The underside of the desk was COVERED with dried crusties varying in shade, size and degree of difficulty. I swear some of them must have come from the depths of her sinuses.
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The same thing happened to me, except this guy had a habit of biting his nails and spitting them under his desk, on the desk, in the desk, etc.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:08:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmm... PLUS FUCKIN' TWO for this
"It was like watching the Discovery Channel and seeing those big steam shovels at work."
And your job fucking sucks, man. I'm sorry.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I, too, have suffered from that sinking feeling when you KNOW you've just come into contact with petrified nose nuggets.
When starting my current job, I took over the desk/cube/pod/manger/sty of the woman who I was replacing. I got my computer on the second day (and my, what fun and fantastic two computer-less days THOSE were), and needed to check the back of the tower to find where to plug in my headphones.
I crawled underneath the desk and lay on my back to inspect the ports and plugs and such, when I glanced upwards and felt myself lurch.
There above me I spied a field of boogers turned stalagtites. The underside of the desk was COVERED with dried crusties varying in shade, size and degree of difficulty. I swear some of them must have come from the depths of her sinuses.
The worst part about it, for me, was knowing that a woman'd done this.
Men I can expect it from. But not women.
Though, come to think of it, she was rather horsish and mantastic in her build, demeanor and (I spent three hours shading the) upper lip area.
Ugh. Now I have a headache.
Happy trails with the future president and all. Maybe get him a handkerchief for Christmas?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*dry heave*
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of the Austin Powers movie when that guy had a mole on his face...Mole..Moley mole
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:16:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Guy who owns the land surveyiing company in our building is an unabashed, rabidly enthusiastic picker. I hardly even notice it any more. You're gonna wash your hands before you eat anyway, right?
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I believe it's a corollary of Murphey's Law (or at least in the by-laws) that says the odds are something like 3 to 1 in favor of them walking in just when you've reached your maximum depth of two knuckles in the bogey mine.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That seriously made me feel a bit ill, that moment of recognition as to what you meant with the bumps.
*shiver*
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry to linkwhore, but this is the reason I am speechless...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/43915
"Snot is my kryptonite."
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*speechless*
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew...good story.
I don't think I woudl ahve been as couth as you. I'm thinking more along the lines of Dr.Evil when he met 'the mole' in Goldmember....
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-19 18:07:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you feel about someone who picks their ass for thirty minutes at a time?
_________________________________
Marriage proposal?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-19 18:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty nasty.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-12-19 18:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-19 18:14:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-19 18:07:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you feel about someone who picks their ass for thirty minutes at a time?
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2005-12-19 18:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
eeeewwwww
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-12-19 17:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gross
I guess if you do decide to do business with them you could shake his hand with your left one
although I don't know if I could go out to dinner with that guy
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-19 17:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh...
Submitted by Kirbage (user info) at 2005-12-19 17:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-19 17:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sick.
Submitted by StanleyBostitch (user info) at 2005-12-19 17:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHA - Great Post
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-19 17:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Arrrgghhhhh!!!!!!! My boss does that too.