God should be happy I was praying, even if I was on the toilet (1099 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0.94 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Aristides Sweetmeat (View user info) at 2005-12-19 18:58:04 EST
Since this is the week before Christmas, or "The Holidays" for all of you fucking politically correct folks, my boss decided to take our whole department out to lunch at a fancy restaurant instead of buying us gifts so that he could put zero effort into showing us how much he appreciates our hard work.
We arrived at the restaurant around one, only to see our boss sitting at the bar knocking back what appeared to be rum and coke. One of the broads (who is probably sucking his dick, by the way) walked over to him and told him that we had arrived.
I have to tell you, when I looked at the menu, the word "fancy" had no place as an adjective for this shithole. All pretentiousness aside, I can't remember the last time bologna was deemed fancy by anyone other than a white trash hillbilly.
After all of my colleagues played grab-ass with the waitress, she finally arrived at me.
"What would you like, sir?"
"I'll have the Turkey Devonshire with a side of mashed potatoes, the vegetable of the day, soup and a side salad, please. I'm also planning on having coffee and dessert," I stated.
"You understand that each item will be charged for individually, right?" she asked.
"Yeah lady, it's all good," I said.
As soon as she walked away from the table, that bitch-ass Shirley who works in my office looked at me sternly and said, "Aristides! How could you get such an expensive lunch?"
After cracking my knuckles, I stood up, took a sip from my water and asked, "How could you be such a stupid, ugly whore?"
Then, I smashed the glass over her dumb-ass head.
My boss was fucking twisted from all the alcohol he drank at the bar, and with a glassy look in his eye, he stated, "By Jove, I believe that Shirley is bleeding profusely!"
"No worries, hoss. That bitch will be fucking fine. She probably didn't even feel it," I said as I watched Shirley slump over on the table.
Moments later, our lunch arrived and I feasted on fancy food, which quite frankly tasted just a little better than shit. I was starving though, so I wolfed that shit down like I hadn't eaten since 1999.
Since I ate so fast, I got a little gassy, so I let out a huge burp. Truly, the entire place went silent and I believe that I saw a little old woman pee her pants. My boss said, "That was quite rude."
"I'll show you rude, old-timer," I said. Promptly, I stood up, walked over to him and slugged him directly in the cock.
"Yes, yes, that was rude," he said as he struggled to breathe.
All plates being cleaned, it was time for dessert. I ordered the mocha peanut butter chocolate orgasm truffle supreme cake with a dip of vanilla ice cream on the side. One of the broads who I work with asked, "Aren't you lactose intolerant?"
"Why yes, I am, but since I knew this cheap fucker was taking us out and I want to get my money's worth, I took some lactaid before leaving the office," I said.
I scarfed down the cake, which was followed by rumblings in my intestines a few minutes after finishing.
"What the fucking fuck?" I proclaimed as I ran to the restroom.
I kicked the stall door down, pulled my pants down around my ankles and proceeded to shit a la Harry in "Dumb and Dumber." Completely drained of emotion and the contents of my intestines, I stood up.
Only to feel the rumblings again.
For a solid thirty minutes, nothing solid came out of my body. I felt like I was peeing from my asshole.
During that time, I decided that I should reflect on my life. It had been a while since I had some uninterrupted quiet time to myself, so I grew quite introspective in that tiny stall. My main question was, "How can I stop shitting?"
Suddenly, the question, "What would Jesus do?" popped into my mind.
I cried, "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?"
A voice that came from above boomed, "BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
Immediately, I began trash talking God. After some bargaining and begging, He decided that he would help me with my problem. With swift judgment, He came down from the skies and my bowel problems were sent asunder.
When I went back to the table, one of the idiots from my office asked, "Where were you all this time?"
With a smug look on my face, I stated, "Next time you're confused, just ask, 'What would Aristides do?'"
"Well, isn't that a laugh!" he stated.
"What would Aristides do?" I asked. Then I fucking trounced that fucker like it wasn't no thing while shouting, "Merry fucking Christmas!"
We all had a laugh.
My God, I do love the holidays.
User Reviews
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-01-24 17:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bosh? Is that You?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-20 12:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A solid one.
had potential for a 2, don't know what or if it was missing anything, or maybe I am just a dick.
Submitted by A_D_Sweetmeat (user info) at 2005-12-20 11:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:51:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I still like the golf cart story.
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That post was a masterpiece! I reread that every once in a while and it stills makes me laugh my ass off.
I'm glad you enjoy my stuff. Obviously, you have good taste.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-20 10:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still like the golf cart story.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-20 09:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. Shit stories are always teh bestest.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-20 09:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice. Made me smile is a perfect description.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-20 07:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fnar fnar
Submitted by prozacaddict (user info) at 2005-12-20 00:40:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haahaha...funny.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah. I did the same thing 7 years ago at a company get-together. Fun, eh?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'll show you rude, old-timer," I said. Promptly, I stood up, walked over to him and slugged him directly in the cock.
"Yes, yes, that was rude," he said as he struggled to breathe.
===============
hehehehehehe.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-19 21:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a knack for storytelling - a bit reminiscent of Hunter Thompson during the "Generation of Swine" years. Well done.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:59:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You people have no sense of humor.
This was hilarious.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Very 'kickass', hasn't Maddox been updating frequently enough?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-12-19 20:19:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by awj002 (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:09:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
pure hedonistic, self-indulgent shit with no redeeming value (like that show The Apprentice)
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:44:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
meh
Submitted by awj002 (user info) at 2005-12-19 19:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
pure hedonistic, self-indulgent shit with no redeeming value (like that show The Apprentice)