WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell. (1019 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by proofofpurchase (View user info) at 2005-12-20 14:33:28 EST
In the spirit of bleeding reindeer and santas holding bloody knives and heads, I give you my experience...
My family and I went Christmas light touring in our neighborhood the other night. We were all looking forward to it because we had just gotten back from a birthday party for an 80 year old Spanish lady who none of us knew but went and ate the food, sang the song then abruptly left, what the hell, if you're invited....
One of the first houses we stopped at is near the elementary school and it is completely decked out in every Christmas symbol imaginable. There are the sparkly ohh-ahh type decorations to the where-did-they-find-that type. There was a hulk of a Santa on the top of the house which seemed to have been carrying a whip in his hand however, to my youngest it looked a bit more menacing as she proclaimed, "Look at Santa, he has a whacking stick!"
Ok, so that in and of itself isn't really that funny but as soon as that was said it seemed that a very macabre scene came to life.
The reindeer that were next to santa on the roof were looking over their shoulders in horror as if they really were going to be whacked. I could almost hear one of them murmur, "Holy Mary Mother of God!" as they were frozen in their tracks by, well you know, being made completely out of plastic or something.
There was a nativity scene on the left front yard to which the actual Mother of God seemed to be leaning her ear as if to ask, "Did somebody just call my name?". I sensed that the accompanying wise men in this frame were about push their way through the manger scene a la George Costanza in The Fire episode.
As we gazed over the very front of the yard there was a site of another santa figure with a couple of elves being read a story of some sort only now it looked more like the rotund jolly man was about to shank a scared boy-child with his fingers of fury. There was a lighted penguin involved in this particular morbid setting that gasped and immediately fell over, I suspect, from the audacity of this nightmare before Christmas.
To the right of this tragedy there was a drummer boy who was taking advantage of the pandemonium. His hand looked to be making a play for an angel's lady lumps as she hit a high note Vienna boy choir style. Various decorated trees pulled back and wailed in unison at the lapse in judgment on the drummer boy's part.
As we rolled down the windows we could clearly hear the bubbly holiday music being pumped out as a backdrop to this calamity and it was too much to endure. The polar bears were mouthing obscenities, Frosty was pointing as if to direct the kafuffle to chase us down the street and a drumstick whizzed past my ear.
We escaped with our lives as a last ditch effort to offend us was made by a lighted gift box clearly giving us a not-so-friendly gesture made of it's ribbon. We locked our doors and drove off into the night.
User Reviews
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2006-01-01 11:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
DrSuessman's reference:
Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an
appropriate time. Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey
bottle. 'Member that?
-- Homer Simpson
Whacking Day
It was only a matter of time before this popped up somewhere....
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-12-21 12:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:04:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-20 14:37:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I need'nt read anything more than the title to give this a +2.
"There's a lot of sap in here."
------------------------------
"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."
---------------------
"Hey, Ed?"
"Yeah Clark?"
"Whats wrong with the Dog?
<Sick choking sounds>
"Oh. He's just yacking on a bone."
<Vomitting>
"He got it"
"FIXED THE NEWEL POST!!"
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-12-21 06:33:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-21 06:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
angel tits are the cat's ass
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-21 06:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
woosh
the title was good though
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."
---------
awesome
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because you said this ""Look at Santa, he has a whacking stick!" you get a plus 2 because of the Simpsons (snakes) whacking day!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't blame the drummer boy for trying to cop a feel. After all, angel tits are the cat's ass.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, I want to put a chewed up baby jesus inside one of our new lightup polar bear front yard things. My wife said no. I put an old doll that I found in an old box of Christmas decorations inside it but she took it out. I'll post pics if I manage to turn off my lazy for long enough to do it properly (ie: secure the bear so it can't be openeing by the likes of a woman. Oops, did I type that or just think it... Are they reading my words right now?
Bastards.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-20 14:37:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I need'nt read anything more than the title to give this a +2.
"There's a lot of sap in here."
------------------------------
"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-20 14:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-20 14:48:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"as she hit a high note Vienna boy choir style" haha. castratti? isn't there an xmas day massacre somewhere in history? or did those all happen on easter...
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-20 14:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jo Jo Jo (en espanol)
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-20 14:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need'nt read anything more than the title to give this a +2.
"There's a lot of sap in here."
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2005-12-20 14:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought i was the only one horrified by holiday displays