What's in a Name: Badassmofo (1398 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: whats_in_a_name
Rating: 1.93 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2005-12-20 15:37:20 EST
Previous victim:
Orgasmatron: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80920
'What's in a Name - Badassmofo'
"I need a steed" said Trainman Buttsecks
To the man in white,
"For I must get to Puddintown
And see my wife tonight.
My train it's done gone busted
And I've no means to move,
If I don't get to town tonight
My love will disapprove.
She waits tonight with child, and
Her due date's come around,
Please, sir, sell a steed to me
To get to Puddintown."
The man in white cocked back his hat
And sighed a heavy sigh,
"I'm sorry Trainman, I've no steeds,
I bid you now goodbye."
Buttsecks lay a hand upon the
Shoulder draped in white,
Turned him 'round and stared him down
And begged with all his might.
"Look here," groaned the man "I have
A creature I can sell,
A beast I found in Arkansas
But surely born in hell.
I'll sell him to you, mister, but
He's sure to bring you woe,
I'll take eleven dollars now for
That bad ass Mofo."
Pulling cash from billfold, Buttsecks
Paid the man, white-clad,
Who led him to the grey-brown donkey
Draped in poncho, plaid.
Walking 'side the burly ass he
Leapt and climbed right on,
He turned to thank the man in white
But, turning, found him gone.
Perched upon its sturdy back he
Yelled and gave a kick,
The donkey ripped a noxious fart
That made the trainman sick.
Vomit splashed his pursed, parched lips
And splat upon the ground,
Heaving, Buttsecks swore he heard
A laughing, braying sound.
Sliding off the poncho, careful
Not to step in spew,
Buttsecks looked in Mofo's eyes
And curtly said "fuck you."
"FUCK ME? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR WIFE!
I HOPE SHE DIES IN LABOR!
I HOPE YOU KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR OWN
BUT SIRED BY YOUR NEIGHBOR!"
Dumbstruck stood the trainman at
The words that Mofo'd spoken,
He wondered if he'd dreamt it all
And recently awoken.
Staring at the badass donkey
Buttsecks held his breath,
Standing in that farty air
That reeked of ass and death.
Ten full minutes stood he, list'ning -
Mofo wouldn't talk,
But as he saddled up again
He heard "BITCH, SUCK MY COCK!"
Buttsecks, angry, climbed right off,
Punched Mofo in the nose,
Mofo reared his weight straight back
And hoof-crushed Buttsecks' toes.
Buttsecks screamed with pain and bent
To grab his flattened boots,
And as he did the donkey kicked him
Right into his puke.
Eyes and hair and lips and cheek
All doused in breakfast bile,
Buttsecks turned his trainman's eyes
Back to the donkey, vile.
"I will get to Puddintown
Upon your back, I swear,
I swear I'll break you - if I don't
Your skin I'll strip and wear."
Buttsecks meant to say more but he
Never had the chance,
Mofo charged and rammed his head
Into the trainman's pants.
Sent the trainman soaring 'til he
Crashed against the fence,
And then the donkey smashed into him
With his body, dense.
Twisting so his body Mofo
Squirmed atop the man
"TAKE THEM! FEEL MY NIPPLES, GRINGO!
SUCK THEM IF YOU CAN!"
Buttsecks closed his eyes and mouth
Avoiding donkey nips,
But could not fight them all and so
He felt one pierce his lips.
"YES! THAT'S IT! OH GOD, MAN SUCK IT!"
Mofo bucked and squealed,
"TAKE MY TEAT INTO YOUR MOUTH AND
SWEAR I, WILL I YIELD!"
Buttsecks paused a moment, under-
Neath the ass's weight,
And contemplated circumstances,
Heaven, hell and fate.
Will I make it out alive if
I keep up the fight?
Is it best to suck the tit
And see my wife tonight?
Will my Lord forgive my soul
If this sick thing I do?
Or will he cast me downwards
Into Satan's fiery zoo?
Thinking of his trainman's wife
And his soon-to-be son
Buttsecks braced himself, for he then
Knew what must be done.
He opened up his puke-laced lips,
He felt the donkey tilt,
He saw a cracked, black nubbin 'proach
And fill him to the hilt.
Both lips tightened 'round the nipple
Held it firm and fast,
With his trainman's tongue he flicked
The skin-bump's fleshy mass.
Buttsecks started suckin' hard
As Mofo started humming,
All at once without a word the
Donkey started cumming.
Mofo sprayed the sky with ass jizz,
Shots borne by the air,
Most of it lay on the ground
But some doused Buttsecks' hair.
"KEEP IT UP, YOLANDA!" Mofo
Cried into the wind,
"NEVER HAVE I FELT THIS WAY,
MY TITS ARE TING-A-LIN'!"
Buttsecks' mouth went wet inside
As nipples started squirtin' -
Pumping breastmilk on his tongue
All twitchy from the spurtin'.
It tasted like old leather mixed
With radishes and beets,
It smelled of unwashed Asians and
Like fresh-pickled feet.
Buttsecks started coughing, tried to
Let the nipple go,
Mofo held him still with hooves:
"YOU SWALLOW NOW, YOU HO!"
Swirling the grim concoction
In his trainman's mouth,
Buttsecks took a breath and gulped
And sent the foul stew south.
Mofo loosed a sated bray and
Stood on wobbly knee,
Took he then ten paces and
Commenced to buck and pee.
"THANK YOU, SEXY TRAINMAN, PLEASE
DON'T WEAR A FRUMPY FROWN.
NOW SHALL I ESCORT YOU TO YOUR
WIFE IN PUDDINTOWN!"
-
Hair shallacked with donkey sperm
Buttsecks, the broken man,
Shuddered as he rode the back
Of Mofo cross the land.
He made it home by midnight to
His wife's warm open arms,
She saw his pale, haggard frame
And thought he'd come to harm.
He never told her how he made it
Home in time that night,
Or how he suckled donkey teat
And swallowed breastmilk, white.
He never found the man in white
Or saw Mofo again,
But vowed to kill them both, though
He knew not where, how or when.
Buttsecks named his son Halothar,
Why? I don't know.
He watched the boy grow to a man
As time passed by so slow.
There, upon his deathbed, Buttsecks
Told his son the truth,
Of wicked men in white and donkeys
Full of milk to shoot.
After Buttsecks passed, once buried,
'lothar took his gun,
And vowed to right the wrongs of old
And do what must be done.
He's out there now, he's out there still,
Halothar Buttsecks, brave,
Looking to send Bad Ass Mofo
Down into his grave.
Image search for 'badassmofo:'
User Reviews
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-12-28 15:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another masterpiece... my ONLY criticism is brest milk only usually comes from the female gender of a species... unless mofo is some weird hermaphrodite type... just a thought.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-17 19:39:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Santa Voltage drops in to pay a visit to the little boys and girls.
HERE'S A +2 LITTLE ONES! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! HO HO HO!
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i like to rate myself, it makes me feel nice
i like to rate myself, it takes off the sting of the ice
my phallus is bleeding, when will it stop?
my phallus is bleeding, your rhyming sucks cock
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-22 09:57:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-22 09:40:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll admit that when you started reviewing with poetry I thought you were milking this newfound skill of yours far more than it was worth.
But you have consistently proven me wrong, your stuff has not degraded in quality. If anything, it has improved. Bravo.
---
Newfound skill? Shit, neeya, I've been rhymin' from the cradle!
First word: "Poop"
Subsequent words: "is in my pants, dear mother, lend a hand and change a brother!"
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-22 09:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll admit that when you started reviewing with poetry I thought you were milking this newfound skill of yours far more than it was worth.
But you have consistently proven me wrong, your stuff has not degraded in quality. If anything, it has improved. Bravo.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-22 09:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps that's another poem for another day.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Silly Orgasmatron.
Everything needs more rape. That's a given.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And rape.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-21 11:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Red Sox? Bah...who cares. East coast money teams are fucking boring.
The only way this season would have been better is if it had been a Cardinals/WhiteSox series.
WhiteSox aren't ever going to do it again, but this year was fookin good. I was just glad they beat those damnable Texans. My Cardinals, oh, woe is me, dropping the ball...two years in a row. Next year they play out of a new stadium, so 2006 is a write off as well.
I guess we have to wait until 2007 for their, not sure, something like 157th appearance in the post season.
Cardinals= best team ever.
Pujols= best player in the game right now.
This series= needs more scourgeoftheseas
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-12-21 11:11:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH GOD YES!!!!
<Splooges pants>
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-21 10:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I cannot believe the fucking Red Sox let Shaggy go to the goddamn Yankees.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-21 10:12:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh curse you, Johnny Damon.
Curse you, Red Sox front office.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-21 06:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's truly awesome.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-12-20 22:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A masterpiece to rival Shakespeare himself!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81279
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:01:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're the only poetry-spouting asshole on uber I like...
and I don't feel like teh ghey menz when I +2 you so that's good.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-12-20 20:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
soo, what 1 ov teh internets do u write on?!?!?1!?!
Submitted by coocoocachoo (user info) at 2005-12-20 20:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you
Submitted by CRUNKY40 (user info) at 2005-12-20 20:07:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It just means BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-20 19:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-20 18:29:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your poetry muse is one twisted, psychotic bitch. Don't ever lose her.
---
My muse is an engine block from a 1967 nigger red Chevy Chevelle. (+2 for catching the reference)
She sits upon a pedestal of ivory and Honey Grahams, and I feed her bottles of Pennzoil and a paste made from the unbroken hymens of dead Hungarian virgins.
Her name is "Milkbaby," and I love her so.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-20 19:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ortwistedgasmatron. . .
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-12-20 18:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont say this about too many of the writers here....but dude "YOU ROCK"!!
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-12-20 18:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman!
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman!
Batman, Batman, Batman!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-20 18:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your poetry muse is one twisted, psychotic bitch. Don't ever lose her.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-20 17:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-20 17:04:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, this has turned into a gay fuckfest
probably because internet fights get boring very easily.
---
Too true.
But it's cyclical. It'll all come crashing down eventually.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-20 17:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine, fine:
Write another review and I swear I'll hunt you down, kill you, and use your blood to sally up my Slip'n'Slide. Oh, and hollow out your empty-as-is skull to use as a portable crapper.
Tell anyone about this threat, and I'll have you fired.
As for ugly vagina posts: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80254
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-20 17:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, this has turned into a gay fuckfest
probably because internet fights get boring very easily.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-20 17:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Probably.
But this fucking site HAS turned into a big ass kiss...you have to admit.
I miss the good ol' days (i.e. Last month) of flame wars, internet death threats, getting people fired, stalking and good ol' fashioned ugly vagina postings.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DO ME! DO ME!
Or... just write a poem or something
Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DO NOT do my name
(reverse psychology?)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW.
kind of reminds me of this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/77239
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you'd have a field day with a name like Spedmonkey.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:27:52 (#)
Ranking: 1
Too much dick sucking going on, from Orgasmatron, here.
Doesn't mean it's not some beautiful prose..it just means that Uber has turned into an internet gloryhole.
---
At least until I do your name, right cuddles?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Too much dick sucking going on, from Orgasmatron, here.
Doesn't mean it's not some beautiful prose..it just means that Uber has turned into an internet gloryhole.
Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just cause I love you Orgasmatron.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeeeezuz, what a ride.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All this gey sex talk is creeping me out
or turning me on. nope still creepy
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:04:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beeeeutiful.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're so fucking thoughtful that I'm having buttsecks with a life size cut out of you RIGHT NOW!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
even if the poem wasn't awesome i think that dog might just deserve a +2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:01:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:58:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Please do one about me, I'm an attention whore = (
-
You don't say? http://www.ubersite.com/m/80920#1740378
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:52:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you good sir
-
Couldn't let you take your brief hiatus and miss your anniversary without giving you a decent send-off, right?
Your name was the first, it will not be the last.
Many more will suffer and flourish, writhe and impregnate under the weight of my mighty stroke.
Now go fetch me a beer...Yolanda.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The dog makes it
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:58:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please do one about me, I'm an attention whore = (
Submitted by _Aries_ (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This badassmofo sounds like a real cool cat man, ya dig.
Submitted by Levity (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Awesome, mainly because you had such a badass muse for this
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
somehow I feel like laughing and puking simultaneously.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow
There's no more to say
Such fine flow and rythym
I think you could turn me gay?
what?
Submitted by NewGuy08 (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In honor of Badass leaving our day time crew for a bit, I thought I'd take a stroll with this here alter
Awesome poem!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh you'll get the royal treatment at some point, humble.
If I keep this going, your name'll be up against the wall eventually.
-
And thanks for that, Decon.
If I ever meet you I'll be sure to sign your forehead.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"keep it up yolanda' made me cum in my pants
thank you good sir
I'm a badass donkey fuckin a that rocks
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that fucking rocks.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Supercalifragilistic......fucking awesome.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wholly Jesus hands!
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good... real good. But in no way does it match the homage you wrote about me, short, sweet and to the point.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great!!!!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bra - fucking - vo.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF IM NOT READING ALL THAT!
(+2 for Batdog)
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2005-12-20 15:39:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my favorite writer on Ubersite, Tron.
Good stuff