When good deeds go bad….or how I inadvertently killed a bum. (970 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by prozacaddict (View user info) at 2005-12-20 20:55:54 EST
I had a shitty day at work today.
It was one of those days that makes you want to go home and get mind-numbingly drunk and stick your penis in the fish tank just to show the fish who's boss.
Do you care that I had a shitty day? No, and I don't expect you to. I'm just laying out my frame of mind for the next set of events.
Usually when I'm feeling down and out, helping others makes me feel better about myself. That or giving someone a well placed punch to the nuts.
I was driving home, loathing my job when I stopped at an intersection in the right hand lane. To my left I saw a panhandler/bum/beggar, whatever the proper nomenclature would be. He was old, dirty, and had a very shaggy unkempt beard. His attire consisted of a pair of ratty old jeans, that barely stayed on his Ethiopian-style frame, a filthy, torn t-shirt, and a pair of very nice running shoes. The shoes struck me as a bit odd, as they were nicer than the ones I used to buy when I had the time and ambition to go running. He was also carrying a sign that said "I need a cheeseburger".
I thought this was the perfect moment to start making myself feel better. I dug in my wallet and grabbed a fiver, rolled down my window and shouted for him to come here. It took a few seconds for it to register in his brain that I wanted to give him some money, but as soon as he saw that five dollar bill, his eyes lit up and he started my way, looking at nothing but that bill.
I just couldn't get my mind off of the nice shoes he was wearing. I wondered if I was being duped by one of those guys who has a job and does this just for a little cash on the side tax-free. But then I looked at the rest of him and decided this guy was the real deal. I thought he must have gotten them from a homeless shelter or something, and thought I might have to ask which shelter he got them at, so I could get myself a pair.
I was focusing on his shoes, and he was focusing on the money, and neither of us saw that huge fucking truck coming his way in the left lane.
I will not go into gory details, but needless to say it was a bit messy. After talking to the police for almost two hours, I was finally on my way home. Its times like this where you start thinking, wondering......
Where the fuck did he get those nice ass shoes??
My MSPaint skills are not that great, but I think I owe it to this man and his family to paint a tribute of the last moments of this mans life. He went out like a champ.
User Reviews
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-18 14:31:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JackalFett (user info) at 2006-01-18 14:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at line 2.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-18 13:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82529
hit this.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-23 00:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really good title.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-12-22 04:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:41:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
Back in the day, I (not alone, but with a carload of equally juvenevil cohorts) would mess with the bums by either a) tossing a quarter near them and then using an air-pressurized fire extinguisher filled with urine and water to hose them down, or b) tossing a quarter near them (using pliers) after heating the coin with a propane torch. Hours of fun for the twisted high-schooler.
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Isn't covering a tramp with urine a bit like grinding some salt into the ocean?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto dave attel +2
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great drawering
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
now I want a cheeseburger....
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah, I've had one of those days.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-21 10:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh dear.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-21 10:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
don't worry, jebus still loves you.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2005-12-21 10:07:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-12-20 22:07:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was one of those days that makes you want to go home and get mind-numbingly drunk and stick your penis in the fish tank just to show the fish who's boss."
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2005-12-21 09:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-21 08:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-21 08:23:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Three ways we know you are a hard core Uberite.
1) Out of the whole ordeal, you are still trying to figure out where he got the nice shoes, dispite the fact that he got run over by a truck.
2) At least somewhere along the line, you thought that it would be a good picture moment to show us the roadkill bum.
3) I also believe you would actually say "Oh noes!"
And if it makes you feel better, he would have just been rounded up by the government and used for making Spam at some point anyway. At least this way he won't be eaten post-humously......Unless I can find him.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-21 07:35:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Given that you're an Uberite, I believe you actually did shout "0h no3s!"
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-12-21 07:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Horrible ...on the other side Submitted
"It was one of those days that makes you want to go home and get mind-numbingly drunk and stick your penis in the fish tank just to show the fish who's boss."
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-21 07:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by prozacaddict (user info) at 2005-12-21 00:26:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
but on the plus side, i did get to keep my five dollars.
Submitted by prozacaddict (user info) at 2005-12-21 00:22:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
they weren't my size, too small. i mean seriously, what grown man wears a size 8????
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-12-21 00:17:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, was there alot of blood on the shoes?
you could have scored some new kicks and been on your way
Submitted by prozacaddict (user info) at 2005-12-20 22:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-20 22:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is NOT a make-good +2.
I really meant to +2 the first time or I wouldn't have used a stupid word like "likey".
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thank you kindly. i was kinda confused at the first one.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-20 22:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is NOT a make-good +2.
I really meant to +2 the first time or I wouldn't have used a stupid word like "likey".
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-12-20 22:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was one of those days that makes you want to go home and get mind-numbingly drunk and stick your penis in the fish tank just to show the fish who's boss."
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by full_frontal (user info) at 2005-12-20 22:04:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who the FUCK is the Carver gonna be???
Submitted by Zol (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now, whats this shit?
Submitted by prozacaddict (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wanted to take pics with my phone, but the cops told me not to. :(
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:41:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Back in the day, I (not alone, but with a carload of equally juvenevil cohorts) would mess with the bums by either a) tossing a quarter near them and then using an air-pressurized fire extinguisher filled with urine and water to hose them down, or b) tossing a quarter near them (using pliers) after heating the coin with a propane torch. Hours of fun for the twisted high-schooler.
I am going to Hell, and I deserve it. You will not (at least for this), as even a bum should know better than to step out in front of a truck for a five-spot.
+2 for the story, fiction or not. I gotta -1 you for not having a camera in the car to record the event/not fabricating a Photoshop jpg. Sorry.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fiction/Non-Fiction?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Me likey. Oh, and don't forget
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81279
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow! You know, this is EXACTLY how I pictured the beggining of Snark's most recent post!
Like the score says: "Made me smile"
Submitted by coocoocachoo (user info) at 2005-12-20 21:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more cheeseburgers