The Little Blowjob that Could: A Tale of Christmas Debauchery (4929 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.85 on 79 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2005-12-21 13:00:43 EST
It's the holiday season or so the crappy song states.
My favorite parts of the Christmas season are giving the perfect gift to someone and company Christmas parties. This is a story about Christmas parties, particularly this year's.
I love the free booze, food and when the people that I work with make assholes out of themselves. I have been known to make an asshole out of myself on occasion, but this isn't about me. This is about some of the dumb-asses that I work with.
I moonlight at a restaurant on Saturdays. I have been employed there for 8 years, so it's no longer work; it's second nature to me. I can do the job with my eyes closed and I get paid pretty well to do it. One of the reasons that I have stayed so long is the annual Christmas party.
This year, the powers that be made the mistake of placing the beer outside of the bar, for common reach. This allows the under-agers access to the social lubricant, also providing the lushes easy access as well. This story chronicles two such lushes that do NOT handle their booze well.
1st Chronicle: The demon hose beast cunt, inhuman succubus, my ex.
She sucks. She's not a good person by anyone's standards. She uses people for personal gain. She's a fucking stealing thief of other's personalities. I don't like her. I'm telling you how I really feel. But, it's so funny to watch that train-wreck of social inaptitude.
She was FUBAR, 45 minutes into the party. I stop paying attention to everyone else and focus my attention on her, capturing every detail for jokes to be made later, at her expense. A little early X-MAS gift for me.
She started by fluttering about to others at the party, babbling incoherencies. Did you hear about her / him doing this / that only to find out their boyfriend / girlfriend found out? Fucking gossip. It can be funny when it comes from someone that doesn't devour IQ points.
She then proceeds to give two of her immediate bosses, lap-dances. In front of their wives. I thought she was going to get her ass kicked and that made my nipples erect, among other things. When she started to remove her shirt, after carefully removing her belt, it was decided to remove her. God bless, America.
She showed up to the after party, held at my old roomie's house. With precision and accuracy, she became an expert in mailbox replacement. When two mailboxes don't mesh well with their surroundings, it's best to ram them with your new car, taking into consideration that your hood looks better folded in half and that you can see the road a hell of a lot better with no windshield.
When it came time to replace the mailboxes the next day, as they were the host's neighbor's postal depositories, she bought the necessary materials. She then expected said host to do all of the work in replacing them. Suffice to say, he told her where she could stick the 4x4 post when crunch time came. That just gives you an idea of how shitty a person she really is.
2nd Chronicle: Drunky McSlutterson and the little blowjob that could.
We all know her. We all know that we could have had her gaping minge that fateful evening. Usually, she's making copies of her ass on the Xerox machine. Other times, she lay in ambush for prey under the mistletoe. She's the Christmas slut, and we love to hate her or hate to love her.
Wandering about in an inebriated state, she stumbles into your personal bubble breathing her vodka-sperm medley of spittle into your grill. You try to avoid her at all costs, unless of course, you yourself become intoxicated, in which she is a heaven-sent angel, with a hole and heartbeat.
I was not a fallen soldier that eve. My girl was there and she protected me from myself. Sometimes, we all need a little protection from ourselves.
She gravitated to a Korean kid that busses tables at the restaurant. The drunken lioness singled out her wounded antelope.
I didn't pay much attention to their illicit romance; I was entranced by the pretty girl to my left and my ex being evacuated like a bowel movement. I heard later that a romantic interlude in the parking lot, in which fellatio, or what I like to call playing the skin-flute, was interrupted by an off-duty police officer. No charges were filed, as far as I know. However, her involvement circulated throughout the restaurant to her embarrassment.
The best part was this: a co-worker approached her the day after said incident, to make a simple statement. I quote:
"I heard you had some Chinese food last night."
Her retort: "He's Korean, dickhead."
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-25 18:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit, Terry.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-25 17:57:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:46:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:01:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:49:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Umm...
<twirls pig tail>
whatsa blowjob?
------------------------------
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
<pant>
<pant>
<pant>
<clears throat>
Um..... I'm not really sure either
----------
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-25 17:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BEST CHRISTMAS STORY EVAR
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2005-12-25 17:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-23 21:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Boondock (user info) at 2005-12-23 20:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-23 11:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
teehee
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-12-23 09:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quickly becoming my favorite author here.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-12-23 08:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate to sound like the wedding planner at Elton John's wedding, but that's FABULOUS.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-23 08:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post with a perfect ending. I puposely confuse Asian ethnicities even though I know better. It pisses them off so bad. It's the same with Middle Easterners, too.
I've left a reply to your, uh, reply on my latest post. I'm too lazy to linkwhore...
...or not (I crave the exposure): http://www.ubersite.com/m/81375
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just make sure she's not riding you reverse cowgirl. Her leg placement may make it hard to roll out of the way.
I hope everyone has a Merry Fucking Christmas! Four day weekend and I'll probably stray away from the internet.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cleveland steamers sure are nice this time of year
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:22:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I prefer a NY style taco.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you rad
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blumkin
Term meaning to receive oral sex while defecating.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:10:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ask Shlongy what a blumpkin is
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:51:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
What the hell is a blumpkin? Does it involve a pumpkin getting inserted into your ass?
-------------------
why yes, yes it is
I recommend that you go buy a pumpkin immediately and insert it in. Then, please write a post about it and camwhore the thinging hanging out your ass.
Do it!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What is a blumpkin? I was afraid of ridicule if I asked.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the hell is a blumpkin? Does it involve a pumpkin getting inserted into your ass?
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock! :)
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, I'm lying. I didn't get a blow job from her
but she did give me a blumpkin
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awesome. From what I remember, she could suck start a Chevy.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
went out with your ex last night
you're right, she is good at blow jobs
thanks
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Get me to #10 on most heated and my life's complete. Twould be the best Christmas present a boy could want.
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2005-12-22 13:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, Hahahaha
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-12-22 12:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"We all know that we could have had her gaping minge that fateful evening."
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-22 09:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-12-21 23:58:24 (#)
Ranking: 1
yo man do you own a mirror?
your shit stinks too buddy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because that's what I was insinuating.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-12-22 08:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-22 08:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He's Korean, dickhead."
Submitted by RePet (user info) at 2005-12-22 05:15:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. Most definitely a +2.
I especially love her "repartee" at the end there.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-22 04:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome title, and the punchline at the end was a cracker.
Solid plus 2.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-12-21 23:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yo man do you own a mirror?
your shit stinks too buddy
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-12-21 22:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The drunken lioness singled out her wounded antelope.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-21 22:07:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate to say it but even though it is definitely +2 material I don't think it's B@W material. No offense to the author, but it just doesn't have that ring.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
2nd post I have ever had on the most heated list. Even if it is down there...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:53:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA snort
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:46:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
----------
we're giving lessons in the mountains next month...free of charge
I'll be on the 'receiving' end
----------
Oh boy!!
<snaps bubble gum>
I love free lessons.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
yes
no
cool, mark that off things to do before party
*crosses off 'hire hooker'*
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you have money? Will you treat her like shit? Do you mind that she has no personality when sober?
Then she may be the girl for you. She is also very hot.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need a date to my upcoming party, think she'll cum......err, come?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought she was going to get her ass kicked and that made my nipples erect, among other things.
__________________________
There are a number of women I know whose asses being beaten would induce similar symptoms in me.
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I heard you had some Chinese food last night."
Her retort: "He's Korean, dickhead."
LOL
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, she's fun if you like having your soul sucked from your pee-hole.
Actually, that sounds kind of fun.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Drunky McSlutterson"... priceless.
Well done!
<claps>
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:01:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:49:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Umm...
<twirls pig tail>
whatsa blowjob?
------------------------------
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
<pant>
<pant>
<pant>
<clears throat>
Um..... I'm not really sure either
----------
we're giving lessons in the mountains next month...free of charge
I'll be on the 'receiving' end
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you mind if I date your ex, she sounds fun!
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:33:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I heard you had some Chinese food last night."
Her retort: "He's Korean, dickhead."
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Teeheehee.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:27:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I will use, all the, needless fucking, punctuation that I would like, thank you.
But, thank you for reading, Miss Lass.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Use fewer needless commas next time.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:49:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Umm...
<twirls pig tail>
whatsa blowjob?
------------------------------
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
<pant>
<pant>
<pant>
<clears throat>
Um..... I'm not really sure either
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:53:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tis a thing of pure beauty, lass.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Umm...
<twirls pig tail>
whatsa blowjob?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Title alone deserved the ranking.
Good thing I said it first ansd saved myself having to come up with something witty to write here.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best post I have read all week.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Should be a children's book title, I know. I thought of the title the other day at work. I didn't think the content was too bad for somethingthat I put together in 10 minutes.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The post was good, but the title was just too bad ass for what followed.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:39:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
vodka sperm mmmm. ya know i'm almost upset i don't work for some big ole corporation, we're just having free booze/food/pool for our party.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gooooood shit
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Christmas Slut
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"she stumbles into your personal bubble breathing her vodka-sperm medley of spittle into your grill."
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The stuff under the title wasn't bad either. Good show.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:25:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He's Korean Dickhead"
+2 right there.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't even read the post yet. I read the title and +2'd it. Now I'm going back to read the content.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I'm pissed the company's not having a party this year.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So-so...
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fanfuckingtastic
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wandering about in an inebriated state, she stumbles into your personal bubble breathing her vodka-sperm medley of spittle into your grill.
some excellent lines here!!! :)
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA....Great story you silly goose.
BTW, I'm still checking on flights down. I'll keep you posted.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:08:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great title. You could have typed a bunch of random letters and I still would have rated accordingly.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I too enjoy spring rolls.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-21 13:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All names were removed because I'm far to important to remember people's names.