ETS's Guide to Surviving Just About Anything® (1570 hits)
Category: GraphicsLabels: ETS_Comedy_Photoshops
Rating: 1.4 on 67 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2005-12-21 14:18:57 EST
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-08-01 19:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS's Guide to Surviving Just About Anything® (1337 hits)
heh. God, I'm a geek.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm a big fan of "i'm gonna git you sucka"
"Just you 57 cops against me? Kung Fu Jo, master of Karate, Kung Fu,
Jujuitso and all that shit you aint never heard of!"
"How did he go to the bathroom with all that shit on"
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bradderson, I couldn't really tell you. I get a bit odd late at night and hope that I can latch onto a random post and have strange conversations with people, but alas, it was not to be.
I will try again another day.
:)
Submitted by ledastwins (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:53:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:52:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S your definition of apocalpse? Being locked in a room with a ham sandwich?
How are you going to take down a buffalo without help?
---------------
Obviously you don't know how to focus and direct your farts like I do.
===
Haha ... just don't stink shit up over here, and we'll be cool.
Thanks for the review, btw. and the advice--it was well-taken.
"I can hear a collective rumbling in America."
"I've lost my house ... you've lost your house."
"I don't suppose it matters which way we go."
"This great society is going _smash_."
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:30:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad that I know how to live in the wilderness. I think I'll be needing those skillz soon.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
coley: what were you on about?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-22 05:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At the risk of a visit from your copyright lawyers...
Extreme.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2005-12-22 01:10:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, fuck me, I guess I'm going to bed then. :(
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2005-12-22 00:56:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What? what's going on?
WHO
WHERE
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-22 00:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who's bitching...
Let me guess...the liberals? Is that it?
They don't want to live in a country where one man has the power to unilaterally do pretty much whatever he wants and go above the law anytime he wants? Is that the kind of bitching you mean?
Help me out.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-22 00:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it had nothing to do with this post.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 22:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:52:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
I am sick of bitching and moaning in general.
---------------
Where do you see bitching and moaning? I don't see any here except maybe in the statement you just made.
Nice way to utterly contradict yourself. I hope your irony was intentional.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am sick of bitching and moaning in general.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:29:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
My plan for survival:
Fuck you bastards! I'm not telling you my plan! I'll be having ice cream and bundt cake while getting lap-dances from seven-breasted women who use their spare time to manufacture biodiesel for my army of radiation-shielded VW Golfs. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh that reminds me, B: I'm having the purple and pink flames painted on yours tomorrow. You can expect delivery the day after the shit hits the fan. I'll be the one blasting the theme from "The Greatest American Hero" at full volume on the stereo. I'll tie a magenta pom-pom on the antenna of your car at no extra charge, too; I know how much you love them.
-----------------------
You, sir, ARE the greatest American hero!
Magenta my shit up!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:33:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you, ETS.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My plan for survival:
Fuck you bastards! I'm not telling you my plan! I'll be having ice cream and bundt cake while getting lap-dances from seven-breasted women who use their spare time to manufacture biodiesel for my army of radiation-shielded VW Golfs. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh that reminds me, B: I'm having the purple and pink flames painted on yours tomorrow. You can expect delivery the day after the shit hits the fan. I'll be the one blasting the theme from "The Greatest American Hero" at full volume on the stereo. I'll tie a magenta pom-pom on the antenna of your car at no extra charge, too; I know how much you love them.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-21 20:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone does love a nice gold star here and there.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-12-21 20:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness. Great opening
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-21 19:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And just for the record: After said big one strikes, I'm dibbing one giant high school campus for myself. It will be called Dracula High School (just because), and it will be the primary location for my next opus, "Count Funkula and the Disco Menace".
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-21 19:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have my own apocalyptic warrior contingency plan for when the big one strikes.
This was really great, though.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-12-21 19:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You better watch your back this Christmas! I'm coming to your neighborhood, and I got a hankerin' for some ham sandwich!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 19:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:46:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Jesus, Brad. There's more than one way. This isn't a hollywood movie."
No, you're right. THe Hollywood movie is what we've been living all our lives. What I'm talking about is what happens after filming raps.
"Slowly adapt yourself to being a self sufficient person instead of spending your paycheck every week to stock up on guns and seeds next to the internet in your basement compound. There are plenty of places you could be, plenty of lifestyles you could lead, where you can be worldly conscious, yet not totally isolated in the breaches of 'survival mode'."
I didn't say anything about do it all at once, and I didn't say where I might do it either.
"Confuscious says
Assert yourself in a healthier way. Don't let fear and aggression drive you in the wrong directions."
I think too many people have a bad perception of 'fear'. There is such a thing as 'unhealthy fear', like the fear George Bush would like to instill in us concerning TERROR to keep us all stupid and silent. Then there is the healthy kind of fear that tells you not to jump off a cliff, or to prepare for the coming winter. There is a difference.
The crux of the question is this: do you want to live or die? Most people don't really know their TRUE answer to that question until they're faced with the decision.
"Hope is as hollow as fear." - Lao Tzu
"I understand that fear is my friend, but not always. Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed. " - Hunter S. Thompson
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:52:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S your definition of apocalpse? Being locked in a room with a ham sandwich?
How are you going to take down a buffalo without help?
---------------
Obviously you don't know how to focus and direct your farts like I do.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S your definition of apocalpse? Being locked in a room with a ham sandwich?
How are you going to take down a buffalo without help?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:43:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll put it to you all this way...
Let's assume there are two people locked in a room.
There is one ham sandwich between them and a bucket of water.
They are going to be there for 40 days.
There is only enough food and water for one of them to make it out alive.
Now let's assume you're one of those people.
What are you going to do?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I figure the world is what you make it.
Submitted by Douglas (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
no samurai sword.
how can you possibly survive in post apocolypse without a Fuck-You Sword(tm)?
zombie movies need more katana blades. would be much more interesting. either that or japanese and called Versus.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:46:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus, Brad. There's more than one way. This isn't a hollywood movie.
Slowly adapt yourself to being a self sufficient person instead of spending your paycheck every week to stock up on guns and seeds next to the internet in your basement compound. There are plenty of places you could be, plenty of lifestyles you could lead, where you can be worldly conscious, yet not totally isolated in the breaches of 'survival mode'.
Confuscious says
Assert yourself in a healthier way. Don't let fear and aggression drive you in the wrong directions.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:46:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
go marketing team
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I have to -1 you, despite all of your hard work here, because you left out "Cry and Whine Like a Little Girl", which surprises this observer, considering it seems to be your "go to" move.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you."
This made me laugh. Have you started making pipebombs yet ETS?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:48:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
There are going to be those that live and those that die. With that attitude, you'll be dead in a month.
===
Jesus christ, could you be any more melodramatic? Fucking huge natural disasters happen all over the world all the fucking time and yet it doesn't descend into Wild West kill-or-be-killed rules. How are you gonna stop a tsunami with a bullet?
====
"When the world returns to the dogs, you either think like a dog or you die like one. Period."
====
Do you know how wild dogs survive? They band together in a pack and look after each other. You can give a lone dog as many semi-automatics as you like - he still ain't getting any carcass action and that's what counts.
If having a little bit of faith in humanity gets me killed then so be it - serves me right. But I don't see any shame in dying for what I believe in and I believe you write people off far too quickly - the world is what you make it and you're making a hateful one.
Dying whilst trying to make a situation better for everyone? I see nothing wrong with that. But dying alone and afraid, cuddling your ammo? - *that's* dying like a dog to me.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:46:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'll be ok as long as I can find a postal vehicle with a fully uniformed corpse inside it. I'll be famous.
------------------
Heh. Well, at leats it's better than floating around in an ocean world looking for some sign of land.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not a question of me wanting it to come...it's a question of the inevitable.
There are going to be those that live and those that die. With that attitude, you'll be dead in a month.
This is not about politics. This is about survival. I don't give a shit what your objections are to guns. You naturally object because you've lived in a society that doesn't allow them, leaving you all with nothing better to do than sit around judging the societies that do. Put it this way...the fact that we HAVE them is the very reason we're gonna NEED them.
You Brits might be able to sit back during the Apocalypse and drink tea and nibble crumpets, but it's not going to be the same here.
Call me paranoid. I don't care.
Just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you.
When the world returns to the dogs, you either think like a dog or you die like one. Period.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'll be ok as long as I can find a postal vehicle with a fully uniformed corpse inside it. I'll be famous.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:31:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
In all seriousness, here are a few things I am thinking of doing in preparation...
*Stockpiling weapons and ammo
(As seen in the katrina disaster, when the shit hits the fan, it's going to be every man for himself, and if you're not armed, you're on the low end of the food chain. Eithics fly out the window in the face of survival.
====
Dude please. The halfwits taking pot shots at people in the wake of Katrina were not doing so for survival.
Katrina is just a bad example all around: if the shit is quite obviously going to hit the fan, and it clearly was (as they were telling me on the other side of the world that it's going to be very, very serious a full four days before it hit), you don't sit there on your porch with a 12 gauge and wait for some poor bastard to risk their life to come get you while you play duck hunt with your neighbours kids. You pick yourself up and you find a way out. No transport? Start fucking walking. I really fucking hate this attitude that you can shoot problems away.
When it all kicks off, it's community that saves lives. How different do you think the aftermath of Katrina would have been if all of those people who did have transport had thought "maybe instead of packing up my precious big screen tv I left it behind and filled the space in the car with some poor fucker who's stranded"
There's nothing noble about submitting a climate of fear that keeps you in total distrust of those around you - that's dangerous enough without adding guns into the mix. Ethics are going to go out the window for you because you *want* ethics to go out the window - it's pretty fucking sad that we as a generation are so bored with our lives that we're chomping at the bit for the end times to come.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:10:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
Correction on the +2.... Die
--------------------
Hey, man, don't get upset because you made a shit post and I gave you a -1. I spared you the -2 you deserved because I was giving you the benefit of the doubt.
I won't make that mistake again.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:10:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
I've seen this done before. Better. And it wasn't done by you.
-------------
shut up monkeyboy
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Correction on the +2.... Die
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm always humbled by how much care you put into your posts ETS. I liked this. I don't understand the big old American Uberbattle going on though. May the best man win!
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:44:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:31:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ferretnose: Yea, this post was meant to be comical, but behind it there is a genuine belief that things are about to kick off in a big fucking way. You're on the front lines of the first wave right now, but soon, there'll be no front lines. We'll all be right in the middle of it
I know that makes me look like a raving lunatic to say that, but time will see my raving justified. And it won't be much time.
In all seriousness, here are a few things I am thinking of doing in preparation...
*Stockpiling weapons and ammo
(As seen in the katrina disaster, when the shit hits the fan, it's going to be every man for himself, and if you're not armed, you're on the low end of the food chain. Eithics fly out the window in the face of survival. Weapons will not only be useful for defending yourself against humans, but will prove invaluable in getting you through the initial stages when you're reduced to hunting game. Renewables such as bows, arrows, traps, and fishing nets will also be precious commodities worth more than their weight in gold. Because gold will be WORTHLESS!)
*Stockpiling food and water
(Food will be one of the first things we'll have a shortage of in a large scale disaster, because everyone will be clamboring for it. I'd rather already have a large stockpile of nonperishable foods than to have to go scavaging for it with all the other desperate people.)
*Buying a basement house
(Basement homes are not only energy efficient, but are the safest places to be in a variety of disaster situations including but not limited to tornados and bombing attacks. Basement homes will keep you from freezing in the winter and burning up in the summer. Where I live, if there were suddenly no power, that would be imperative. It would be preferable to find a location close to a stream or body of fresh water.)
*Stockpiling Accessories
(Lighters, lighter fuel, magnet-powered emergency flashlights, survival handbook, first aid kit, fishing line and tackle, etc.)
*Stockpiling seeds, tools, and salt
(If humanity is reduced to a primitive state, it would be nice to have enough seeds and tools to garden yourself through at least one year while you prepare for the future. Salt is for meat preservation.)
The shortage of wildlife and timber is going to make survival in this world we've created very difficult without the infrastructure of society we all rely so heavily upon, but I refuse to believe it's impossible.
The trick is to learn to survive under primitive conditions without relying on anything modern man has produced to make life easier.
Go on, call me crazy.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:29:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
GUITARMAGEDDON!!!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As Lt. General of the Union, I hereby declare this post a dagger thrusted into the blackened and urine-soaked heart of Method and the Confederacy.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:10:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've seen this done before. Better. And it wasn't done by you.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-12-21 15:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. It's like you came down here and took notes. We've got stockpiles of gasoline, food, and water, which we continuously add to and rotate. I've also got tools for washing and drying large amounts of clothing without electricity, and who knows how many bottles of lamp oil, candles, etc. When Katrina hit, our home turned into a fort or a compound or something, complete with guns and flags. All kidding aside, I honestly think the shit is about to hit the fan. It's going to be like f'ing Red Dawn. Wolverines!!!
I *love* I'm Gonna Git You Sucka. My fave part is when the dude is walking down the sidewalk in that pimp suit, and the big-heel shoes have goldfish in them. "i'm gon' git you sucka, you dirty muthafucka..." Yea, I'm going to miss shit like that when it's the apocalypse and all.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:21:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:20:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish my grass was as emo as you so it would fuckin cut itself
===
HAHAHAHAHHAA
No offense to you, this line was just well played.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe, since there's no actual text in the post, the ad caught the "simpson" in the Simpson's quotes at the bottom of the page.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:39:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
The ad on this post is for books by OJ Simpson.
---------------
I have no words for the awesomeness of that.
I do, however have a word in mind...it's 'cellophane'.
I don't know what that has to do with OJ.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The ad on this post is for books by OJ Simpson.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will live by these rules for the rest of my life, apocalypse or not.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:37:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:30:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't Achilles die at Troy after getting shot in the heel by Paris?
Reading on...
------------------
Not in Fight Club, he didn't.
I love you too, Methodopolous. :-(|)
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLEASE!!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't Achilles die at Troy after getting shot in the heel by Paris?
Reading on...
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wuv you bradley = )
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:29:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:20:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish my grass was as emo as you so it would fuckin cut itself
----
Best non-Orgasmatron poem reply ever.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done man.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:29:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i just got halfway down and the bright colors gave me a seizure. sorry.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Method, I know how adept you Greeks are in the ghey butt-fucking department, and how you like to show off, but could you please at least take it behind the curtain? None of us are interested in seeing your ass thrust up and down over your new 95lb. conquest.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
please be my sexy little male concubine.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh, and great post by the way. Funny shit
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this was the first thing I ever read by you:
http://www.thecourier.com/manifest.htm
Oh, yeah, I'm not black.
+2 for Bush hate
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:20:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish my grass was as emo as you so it would fuckin cut itself
===
HAHAHAHAHHAA
No offense to you, this line was just well played.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-21 14:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish my grass was as emo as you so it would fuckin cut itself