I'm so godamn wasted I would fuck a pasta shell of any sort (1617 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2005-12-21 16:04:19 EST
Inspired by this:http://www.ubersite.com/m/81292#1752772
-------------
Maybe it was the quadruple Jack Daniel's shot, or maybe it was those two lines of coke, or maybe even that *mystery* pipe that Jesus asked me to smoke, but I am seriously hard right now.
Have I mentioned I'm in the kitchen?
God damn I need something to fucking drink. What do we have here.... *opens fridge* Water, purple stuff. OH SUNNY D! I can make a mean screwdriver out of this.
Anyway where was I? Oh yeah. The kitchen. I guess it started this morning with my boss. She came over and asked if I had the projects she asked for. I told her a lap dance was in order, which she seemed to have a differing opinion about. I tried to tell her what to do, but when I spanked her on the ass all I remember is that christmas party like two years ago where she told me she took martial arts.
No, the last thing I remember is a stiletto going towards my face. THATS when shit got dark and blurry.
So after the paramedics picked me up and were driving me to the hospital I was like "Fuck that bitch! I could have decked her if it weren't for my slow reflexes and lack of coordination. When the two nurses got me out of the amublance I commented on a post I had read earlier about how nurses really weren't that hot. I think they were lying when they said the stretcher slipped and fell over on accident as they wheeled me inside.
So after they took me in the doctor asked what happened. I told him that besides the fact that a woman just kicked my ass, I was getting beat on by two fugly ass nurses. He seemed less than sympathetic and asked if I would breath into a breath-analyzer.
"Why the fuck shouldn't I! You think I'm so fucking chicken? I'll fucking fight you!" I told him.
Well apparently my morning breakfast of a quart of Grey Goose was putting me "over the legal limit" or some other lawyer jargon shit. The police came by and after he bandaged up my broken nose I was taken to the police station to discuss sexual harassment charges.
No matter what I said those guys didn't get it.
"No man. SHE CAME ONTO ME!" I kept telling them. Dumb donut eating fucks who kept saying irrational shit like "Sir please calm down." and "Sir put down the chair and answer the questions." Did you know that they actually insinuated that I may be an alcoholic? ABSURD TO SAY THE LEAST!
Well after I tried to punch one of the cops I THOUGHT was taking pictures of me behind my back, I was taken into custody and put into a make-shift cell.
Holy shit I almost just put 'make-shit' instead of 'make-shift'. That would have made me piss my pants laughing.
Well they called my girlfriend and she came and bailed me out or something. All I know is the cop got a french kiss as the two came arm in arm over to let me out. That bitch was always resourceful in helping me. She seemed to have no problem giving herself up to get me out of shitty situations. Like that time I saw her name with a phone number scribbled underneath it in a bathroom stall. I was like "Yeah you do that. Wait what? Looking for a good time? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!".
So she drove me to her house and I was shocked to find all these guys milling about. There was also an unprecedent amount of video camera's around. I asked what was going on and was told that filming of "Anal Ass Masters 4" filming had been delayed cause some fuck-head needed the female star to bust him out of the joint. I laughed. What a stupid fucker to date a porn star.
So after I left (I was told I wasn't 'big' enough to stay on set. I guess you have to be a fucking celebrity to go anywhere nowadays.) I went home and decided to have some fun. After taking some shit that makes the room spin, I sat down and watched The View but it started to take away from my buzz so I switched to BET. Man those black chicks get me off. I was horny as fuck and had no one around to help out so I went to the kitchen to make myself something to eat.
That's when I saw the manicotti.
Don't let anyone tell you pasta isn't a sexual food cause it is. The second I stuck my meat stick in the sticky cheese I knew I was in heaven. I even wrote a short story about it and sent it to Penthouse entitled "I know no one ever says they do this but give it a shot". They better put that shit up cause it was gold.
Anyway so jesus is telling me I should go check out the BET set and tell anyone who will listen that I "Like the mochachina and I will add some white cream if y'all like. NIGGAS!"
I love jesus. Such a funny guy.
User Reviews
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-20 16:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is fucking funny
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-11 16:43:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:30:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck pasta when your mom says nooo
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 15:27:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you fuck pastas?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-07 13:40:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking 'a' man.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-01-07 13:27:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
voltage... you and I would have good times.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-06 17:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
danger danger- high voltage
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-12-26 14:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause you apparently jhust got laid.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*inappropriate
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:02:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who you are, but it's YOUR man-butter I want in the alfredo sauce I slather my manicotti shell in before I fuck it.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:46:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
GLORIOUS!
It was everything I hoped it would be and more.
----
YES! I wrote this whole post for you Pentameter. Hope you like it and by association, me. Therefore I have to do less seducing later on.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GLORIOUS!
It was everything I hoped it would be and more.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was going to write "+2 for the title" but that's kind of appropriate. No time to read this, but everyone else thinks it's good.
Baaaah.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:35:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Diarrhea of the mouth. +2.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this last night and forgot to rate. HI-larious
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-22 08:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:45:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
tears of joy.
-------------------------------------------
Your use of capitalization here was masterful.
(Examples: "I THOUGHT," "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!" "SHE CAME ONTO ME.")
I want to mate with you.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-22 05:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I'm hungry AND horny.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-22 04:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha! Awesome. What a great way to start my Friday.
.....
.....
What do you mean it's only Thursday?
<cries emu tears>
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-12-22 03:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I stopped reading after the first couple of sentances
I'm drunk as fuck right now and I've quit doing coke a long
time ago but I really want a line right now, so +2 for bringing it up
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-21 22:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-21 22:36:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
it was excellent, but it could have had more done with it.
----
I was rushed, writing it during work and I looked at the clock and was like "Shit it's almost 5. I gotta leave soon! Wrap it up bitchs!" Sorry guys. I wanted to have a lot of stuff happen after I sexually assualted the manicotti, but there is no way in hell I am staying in that office a minute after 5.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-21 22:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it was excellent, but it could have had more done with it.
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2005-12-21 22:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was thinking +1 until I got to "I'll fucking fight you." I don't know why but I always crack up at that line.
Submitted by Zol (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats right baby !
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ABSURD TO SAY THE LEAST!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:26:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funny title
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-12-21 18:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title, even before I read the rest.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"When the two nurses got me out of the amublance I commented on a post I had read earlier about how nurses really weren't that hot. I think they were lying when they said the stretcher slipped and fell over on accident as they wheeled me inside."
Awesome.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was grinning all the way!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:45:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tears of joy.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm that pasta....what a sexy food!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read it again
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahah.....nice. You're lucky MyNameIsTim approves of you ripping of his post title.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:17:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1
+2\2=+1.5