The Evil Pine Tree (972 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Kids
Rating: 1.68 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2005-12-21 16:47:59 EST
[Note: I screwed the pooch and didn't get this into the mail in time. I'm posting it here in case my nephew Tyler can't open the email attachment I sent him... he can print this from here and read it to his kid on Christmas. Yeah, I'm a cheap bastard. Up yours. And don't mock my photoshop. It's for a kid. Merry Christmas, Kyle!]
The Evil Pine Tree
Kyle was excited.
Today he and his dad were going out into the woods to cut down their own Christmas tree.
All the kids he knew were going to get a tree from a lot in the city, or worse, have to deal with an artificial Christmas tree.
Kyle was going to have the real thing.
"My dad used to live on the edge of the woods," Tyler said to Kyle, as they drove north out of the city. "And he used to just cut down his own Christmas trees every year. We're gonna do the same."
Christmas was only a few days away. Kyle was on Christmas break, and his dad had taken time off work for this trip. They had a thermos full of coffee and one full of hot chocolate. They were dressed for a few hours in the cold. They had a saw and an axe in the trunk of the car. They had a roof rack on the car, and lots of rope.
They drove and listened to Christmas carols on the radio, and then Tyler was turning off the highway, onto a narrow country road that wound through thick forest. They followed that road for a while, and came to a place where tall, dark pine trees lined both sides of the road. The trees leaned over the road and only left a narrow strip of blue sky overhead.
Kyle thought it was kind of creepy.
Tyler pulled over on the side of the road, and then parked the car under the shelter of a leaning, broken tree.
"This is it," he said. "Let's go."
They got out of the car and gathered their stuff, and then walked into the woods.
The trees grew so high and so close together that the woods were almost as dark as night. It was really quiet in here, and the slightest sound seemed loud. There was a shifting noise and they watched a heavy pile of snow falling off of a branch. With the weight of the snow gone the branch sprang up and down, like a hand waving at them.
Come on, the tree seemed to be saying. Come on into the deep woods.
Kyle almost jumped out of his boots when his dad spoke out loud. "Spooky, huh?"
"Yeah."
Off in the gloom of the woods they heard wings fluttering, and then it was quiet again.
They walked deeper into the forest. Tyler showed his son different tracks in the snow. Rabbits and squirrels and a bird, probably a grouse.
Kyle pointed at marks in the snow to one side. "What are those bigger tracks?" Each track was made up of two deep marks that were side by side.
"Good spotting," Tyler said. "Those are deer tracks. See the hoof marks?"
They went a little further and then Tyler announced that they had the perfect tree. It was a spruce about six feet high and very dark green. It was surrounded by bigger, taller, older trees. There were about two feet of space between the lowest row of branches and the ground.
"That will leave us room for Christmas presents under the tree," Tyler said.
Each of them opened a thermos and took a hot drink. Then Tyler grabbed the axe.
"Okay," Tyler said, and he got down on his hands and knees and crawled under the low branches. "I'm going to start chopping. You hold that big branch out of the way so I can see what I'm doing."
Kyle grabbed the thick branch. Most of the needles were green and springy against his gloves, but there were a lot of brown needles sprinkled on the snow-covered ground.
There was also something white sticking out of the ground. Kyle wondered if it was a broken branch. He grabbed it and pulled, and it came out of the snow. It was about a foot long, broken on one end, and rounded on the other.
It was a bone.
A broken bone.
This is weird, Kyle thought.
"Hey dad," he said, as Tyler raised the axe, "I think—"
The axe struck the trunk of the tree and left a slash in the bark. The whole tree shook and loose snow fell down on them.
The branch started slipping out of his hands, and Kyle moved forward to get a better grip on it as his dad swung the axe again.
The branch moved. It slipped out of Kyle's hands and swatted his dad in the back of the head.
"Hey!" Tyler looked over his shoulder. "What's up?"
"Sorry," Kyle said. He grabbed the branch, and his dad swung the axe.
A chunk of wood came out of the tree and the branch moved again. Kyle held on to it, and it pulled away from him. He stumbled and let go.
The branch hit Tyler again.
"Crap," Tyler said.
Kyle looked down and saw another bone sticking up out of the snow.
"Dad," he said. "I think we should get out of here."
"I'm taking this tree down," Tyler said.
Kyle though something was moving behind him.
Two long branches from a huge and very old pine suddenly swept inward and grabbed Tyler's arms.
"What the hell?"
Kyle reached out to help his dad.
The branches lifted Tyler up into the old tree as another branch reached down and swatted Kyle.
Kyle was knocked onto his back. He looked up into the older tree and saw dozens of branches moving like hands and pulling his dad up inside the pine.
Another branch reached for Kyle's legs, and Tyler shouted, "Get out of here! Get back to the car!"
Kyle looked down and saw that the layer of snow and pine needles covering the ground under the old pines had been moved around. He realized now that the ground was full of bones. He saw many bones, and teeth, and what looked like antlers.
This tree was eating things.
Kyle grabbed the axe and ran at the big pine. He chopped at one of the branches and two others grabbed him and pulled him high up inside the tree.
"This is ridiculous!" Tyler was struggling to get free. He had to be fifty feet above the ground by now. The branches were holding him against the trunk of the tree. Sap was coming out of the trunk and covering his parka. The sap was gluing him to the tree.
The whole tree shook and the thicker branches creaked and groaned. It almost sounded like the tree was laughing at them.
As the tree branches pulled him close to the truck, Kyle could see hundreds of broken bones poking out of the trunk. This tree must have been eating things for years.
Kyle was completely disgusted.
"What are we gonna do, dad?"
Tyler had no idea. They couldn't cut their way free.
"Wait a minute," he said. "I have a box of wooden matches in my pocket, the strike-anywhere kind. If you can grab them, we could burn this tree down."
"Won't that take too long?" Kyle was lifted up and slammed against the trunk, just under his dad. Pine sap began oozing out of the tree in front of him.
"We can burn the resin," Tyler said. "The sap. The pine gum. That stuff burns like crazy."
Kyle shook his head. "But what if we set ourselves on fire?"
Tyler shrugged. "We're wearing bulky parkas. We start the fire, slip out of our coats and try to get away... and hope this hungry tree lets us go."
Kyle could see that sap was running onto his park and hardening in the cold air, sticking to his coat and the tree.
"Okay," he said.
"I can't reach my pocket," Tyler said, struggling against the branches holding his arms. "Reach up and grab the matches. Then burn the sap at the bottom of my coat."
Kyle reached up. The tree groaned and creaked like it was complaining. He got the matches, pulled one out of the box, and lit one.
The tree shook him and waved its branches, making a breeze that blew out the match.
Kyle lost his grip on the matchbox and he saw the matches spilling out of the box as it dropped down onto the ground, out of reach.
There was a grinding roar. There was no doubt that the tree was angry.
"Oops," Kyle said.
The trunk split open behind Tyler and long splinters like teeth started pressing into his parka.
"Holy crap! This tree is biting me!"
Kyle looked around desperately, hoping to find something to help his dad.
Down by his feet, was one single match, sticking out of a little drop of sap.
"Yaaaah!" Tyler shouted. "It's biting my ass!"
Kyle was really scared, but he burst out laughing. He reached down as far as he could and grabbed the match, striking it against a bit of dry, rough tree bark.
The match flared. Kyle reached up and touched it to the sap-covered trunk behind his dad.
The sap sizzled, and then flared white as it began to burn. Red-hot spatters of sap burst from the burning area and started other fires along the trunk.
One of the burning spatters flew through the air trailing smoke, and landed in Tyler's hair.
"Yaaaah!" Tyler shouted. "My head is on fire!"
The entire tree shook so hard Kyle thought it was falling over, and then he and his dad were violently grabbed by branches, pulled away from the sticky trunk, and thrown into the air.
They landed in a snowdrift a few feet from each other. Tyler buried his head in the snow until his hair stopped burning, and missed seeing the big old pine tree rip its roots out of the earth and angrily walk away, the ground shaking with every step.
The last thing Kyle saw was the tree stomping off into the dark forest, branches moving back and forth and beating out the flames on its trunk.
When they got back to the car, Tyler looked in the rear view mirror.
"I look like a dork," he said. "I look like I got a haircut from a blind barber during an earthquake."
"Dad?"
Tyler stopped complaining about his hair and turned to Kyle as he pulled back onto the road, heading for home.
"I think we should get a fake Christmas tree this year," Kyle said.
Tyler patted his son on the shoulder.
"Good idea, kid."
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-22 08:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-22 08:22:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to think trees were animated like in Wizard of Oz, and would throw acorns etc. at me.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-22 08:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pic
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-22 08:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
awesome tree
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-22 06:13:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yaaaah!" Tyler shouted. "It's biting my ass!"
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-12-21 22:02:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How macabre, yet festive. I likey.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-12-21 21:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2005-12-21 20:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Since it seemed to enjoy ass so much, are you sure this wasn't a Pinus oldarica?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-21 20:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-21 20:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That's one of the meanest things anyone here has ever called a fellow Uberite, Jack.
But yeah...Shlongy, Rickey Henderson, and Reggie Jackson. I'm in decent company.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-12-21 20:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ya huh +2 yessirree.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-21 20:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-21 19:46:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Euell Gibbons woulda whupped yer tree's ass. . .
--
You are correct, sir.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-21 19:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Euell Gibbons woulda whupped yer tree's ass. . .
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:40:43 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm sure the story rocked but I enjoy Jack's endless slew of insults of Shlongy too much to even consider giving this a + rating.
--
Illeist.
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll read the story shortly, but that picture is awesome.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hello kitty, indeed.
Tigers Kill Suspect at South African Zoo
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
(12-21) 10:19 PST BLOEMFONTEIN, South Africa (AP) --
A suspected mugger being chased by security guards met a grisly end after he fled into a zoo and climbed into the tiger enclosure.
His mauled body was discovered Sunday by a visitor to the zoo in this central Southern African city, prompting initial confusion as to how the man ended up in the enclosure.
Police said Wednesday the man and an accomplice had robbed a couple at knifepoint early Sunday. Security guards gave chase and one of the suspects jumped over the perimeter fence. He then apparently ran to the tiger's den in the middle of the zoo.
"What exactly happened we don't know and we won't ever know because the only person who could tell us is dead," police spokeswoman Else Gerber said.
She said there was an empty can of beer near the corpse and that the autopsy would reveal whether the man was intoxicated at the time.
Zoo officials have said the Bengal tigers will not be destroyed because they were blameless. The tigers had been fed on Saturday and so did not eat the man because they were not hungry, according to media reports.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm sure the story rocked but I enjoy Jack's endless slew of insults of Shlongy too much to even consider giving this a + rating.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:39:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good uncle
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:24:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this passed the "Crystle Safe" test....
cute, Jack.. Not exactly a typical christmas story, but cute.
--
Last Christmas I sent the kid one where he and his dad were building a show fort and stumbled into an underground empire of snowmen (who attacked with ice spears) terrorized by giant snow-worms that passed salty poo that disintegrated the snowmen. Tyler and Kyle used the salty poo as a weapon, of course.
And people say I wouldn't make a good dad. For fuck sake.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:24:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this passed the "Crystle Safe" test....
cute, Jack.. Not exactly a typical christmas story, but cute.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your photoshop is actually pretty good!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There was a huge pine tree right in front of my window when I was a kid. At night, the tip had the form of an ogre (like the giants in Fraggle Rock) sitting in a rocking-chair. At night, I would dream that he would suck me and my baby brother out of our bedroom by pumping a fisher-price blue&yellow plastic telescope I had. This terrorized me for quite a long time.
THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF MY CHILDHOOD NIGHTMARE WITH THAT PIC, ASSHOLE!
p.s. I'm giving you an appropriate rating because I'm bored with the nerd fights for now.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-21 17:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf im not reading all that
p.s. awesome
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with punkerrjess.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:58:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute.
There should be more stories out there with the following line: "Yaaaah!" Tyler shouted. "My head is on fire!"
You just don't see as many people with their heads on fire as you used to.
Pity.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We'll I'll be having nightmares. This is a nice thing to do, Jack!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:54:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid liberal evergreens.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha.
you should have stopped with 'The Evil Pine' the word tree didn't need to be there.
I'm just sayin
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus the story was good.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yaaaah!" Tyler shouted. "It's biting my ass!"
-----------------
+2 for that right there
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:48:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus. That's a big goddamn post.
-----------------------------
Yes. Yes it is.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you really mean for him to log on and find the story here, you may want to tell him to stop reading once he sees the really big tree. I weep for the content of the reviews if you and Caul start going at it, or in case someone decides to throw out something like KISS MY GRUNDLE in all caps.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-21 16:48:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus. That's a big goddamn pic.