This is why Uber gives you the shits. (1602 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.93 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-22 10:38:16 EST
I was in Fremantle last week. You don't need to know why, that's not the point. We went to the pub for lunch - it was fine, we had a glass of wine, blah blah blah. After lunch I went to use the bathroom. This is not the point either, and nor is the poster tht was on the wall near the sink detailing what colour healthy urine should be and what's likely to be wrong with you if your urine is any of these other colors. The green was worrying. Not the point.
The point is, I had an epiphany while I was sitting on the toilet, getting rid of the wine. ($15 a glass, by the way, for something that tastes like somebody already drank it - if I were less well-raised, I would have pissed it all over their floor as an object lesson.) A moment of clarity, my dear little brothers and sisters in Christ; a vision sent by God his own self, an explanation for this Mess We Call The Uber.
I was staring at the back of the toilet door, reading about how Bazza loves Carla and Carla loves him back, and how Greg H has a tiny dick, and trying to memorise the phone number for Kelley Is A Whore So Call Her And Rape Her. There were little poems about fecal matter, dirty limericks, declarations of love, details about Laura's sex life I didn't want to know (if you ever meet Laura, don't shake her hand, people) and right about the time I was wishing I had a pen so I could add to this mess of pithy scribbles (or at the very least, correct the grammar and spelling) it hit me, much like the smell had when I first walked into the bathroom.
This door seemed familiar. The scribbled-on walls were ringing faint bells in the parts of my brain that haven't shut down in self-defense yet. Something about the way the filth and bitching were juxtaposed with some really quite fascinating ideas felt like home. I puzzled over this until the answer arrived as I was trying to bribe the toilet into flushing.
Uber is a toilet door. It's a big, detailed, technologically advanced, multi-sex toilet door and THE PENS ARE PROVIDED FREE OF CHARGE.
A toilet door big enough for a seven page story and yet trashy enough for a picture of tubgirl and the caption "Your Momma." Anonymous, free, amusing, and something to pass the time with while you figuratively wallow in the stench of Other People's Ass.
Deity-or-impersonalized-figure-of-winter-season-of-reader's-choice-unless-reader-wishes-it-otherwise-in-which-case-disregard bless us, every one.
Unless you don't like reading the backs of pub toilet doors, in which case you should really be elsewhere.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-15 20:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My pens and markers were confiscated at the gate when I went to King's Dominion amusement park.
"But I'm a writer!" I cried
"Pfft." The portly man replied.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-18 06:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LillPitten & StorPitten is Swedish for Littledick & Bigdick.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kelley is a whore.
True story.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-08 12:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to start a 'read every circe post campaign' I'll let you know how it goes.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-24 10:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:06:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I always read the back of toilet doors, and also the graffiti on school desks. I always secretly hope I'll get a mention. I never do.
-----------
Sort-of like lists, on Uber.
The comparisons are endless....
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
psss - Circe hangs around the toilets with a camera.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-01-12 07:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'life is all about finding happiness. If you've found it, you can die if you want.'
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-25 19:37:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Some come here to shit and stink
whilst others come to sit and think"
- indeed
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-23 00:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
just two nights ago i took the piss out of someones grammar on the back of a pub toilet door.
i find it pays to always have a pen in your back pocket.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lil Pitten & Storpit Ten
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:03:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote
Dutch graffiti.
You didn't just google toilet stall graffiti,
you googled DUTCH toilet stall graffiti, you magnificent whore.
_______________
Hehehehe. I knew you'd notice that.
Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Take care of that awesome family.
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenament halls."
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:43:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No if I could only flush my office chair....
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:11:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:42:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
the words of the prophet are written on the subway walls and tenement halls
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-22 14:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For a good time, join uber
Write it on every bathroom stall
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-22 14:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
posh.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-12-22 13:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bernadette... sheesh!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-22 13:45:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to writer "Uber gives you the shits" in every bathroom in the neighborhood for the next week.
I demand everyone else do the same
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-22 13:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, you may be on to something there. And if you ever get that camers for LP feel free to copy me in. We'll call it a X-mas gift.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-12-22 13:32:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You didn't get, like, this weird "Song of Burnadette" glow all around you when this happened, did you?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-12-22 12:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-22 12:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A poster says: "Psyché Gothique. Au Grand..."
There are french people in Fermantle? Tell them hi! :-)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-22 12:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most everywhere I've gone, I've found at least one bathroom with "If I lived here I'd be home already" in it.
Perhaps I shall have to give that title to a future post, to properly honor the sentiment.
Good theory. You may be on to something, dear.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-12-22 12:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is philosophy in its purest form, delivered with wit and style.
When I get my teaching evaluations back from the students in a week
or two, they're all going to read "How come you can't lecture the way
Circe writes?" I should -2 you for making me look bad.
Dutch graffiti.
You didn't just google toilet stall graffiti,
you googled DUTCH toilet stall graffiti, you magnificent whore.
Jesus is coming, close your bicycle! Or buy a ... slut ...
...something about fucking kids and God and women, and people
who lie?
fucking language.
Brilliant.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The blessing at the end, ALONE, is worth +50.
Damn rating scale.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Wickeden Pub on Wickeden St in Providence, RI has the most comprehensive, yet strangly arty, bathroom grafiti i've ever seen.
and i've seen some shit.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:53:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome analogy.
My favorite graffitti here at work?
REZ HOMO BIKE MESSENGER.
It makes me wonder if there is a courier service which only hires homosexual Native Americans.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:48:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I half expected to see Ha Ha Rabbit written on one of those doors.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:42:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the words of the prophet are written on the subway walls and tenement halls
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love bathroom stall door literature.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Much of Uber reminds me of this very subject
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80971#1741945
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. You're right. It really is like reading the walls in the bathroom. I once missed my bus because I was so enthralled with reading the bathroom walls in the bus station. Waited two more hours because of that. But I did learn that Liz wanted someone to kill Pete. I forget Pete's phone number, but some girl named Sandy hated Lis called her a whore. Such drama.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
An interesting thought.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-22 11:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always read the back of toilet doors, and also the graffiti on school desks. I always secretly hope I'll get a mention. I never do.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:54:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As Witchita Falls, So falls Witchita Falls.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LICK ME
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooooohhh, and I want. I WANT!
Errr, what?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do my best thinking on the shitter.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
KILROY WAS HERE.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LP, dearest, don't fret - I googled those, seeing as how I'm not generally in the habit of taking a camera into a toilet. But I could be, if you want. Honey.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:47:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For a good time call 555-2956.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good point well made.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the filename. And I did not know that Australians spoke a different form of English than we Noble, Always Correct Americans did. Seriously, I don't know what about a third of those scribbles translate out to.
Freak.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:46:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SilvrWolf - I know. Isn't it glorious?
Thorpe - the experience of Uber, or the experience of going to the toilet? And are they really any different? And does it matter? And why is my foot itching and if I sit here long enough do you think someone will refill my coffee cup for me even though everyone is asleep? These are the questions we must ask ourselves.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My favourite toilet door graffiti is on the last stall in the 3rd floor mens bathroom in the Duhig Building at the University of Queensland.
"Flush twice, it's a long way to the refec".
(Refec being the cafeteria)
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:43:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
100% in agreement. The ultimate toilet door.
I now want a laptop so I can take Uber into my toilet. That would improve the experience tenfold.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is the scariest bathroom I've ever seen. It's like a lavatory in an abandoned asylum.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-12-22 10:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Here I sit all broken hearted,,,"
"Paid a dime and only farted."