"Suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood"…and other things I’ve told my gynecologist. (4933 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.82 on 76 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ally <AllyJeans.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-12-22 15:12:30 EST
You know how awkward it is to be up on a table with your legs akimbo—your day riding on what a balding Asian man will have to say when he pops up, turns off his coal mining hat, and gives you the low down on your low down. It's like waiting for someone to hand you a Christmas present, and imaging how many different ways it will try to bite your tit off when you pull off the bow.
Most women have normal worries when they get checked up, like cancer and vagina froth, but I worry about impossible things—like being told my cervix is shrinking, or that my hymen grew back. Remember that Twilight Zone episode with the pig faces? I have nightmares about it—about pig nurses surrounding my bed and making "tut, tut" noises. When I ask what's the problem, they pull up their dresses and squeal, "it's supposed to look like this," revealing cauliflower vaginas shaped like inverted horseshoes. It's then when I wake up screaming. Each time I expect to see the devil sitting at the foot of my bed, chiding, "Where is your god now?"
The root of my paranoia would have to be my grandmother. When I was 16, my mother decided to take me to me for my first appointment for with a OB-GYN. It wasn't that I was sexually active; it was that all my friends were. She figured that sooner or later I'd say, "What the hell," and join in a massive orgy. My grandmother, on the other hand, was totally against it. She thought that gynecology was nothing but an excuse for perverts to get their fill of female genitalia. Along with vivid descriptions of stretching and friction, she made all sorts of wild gestures and facial contortions. I've been fucked up ever since.
During winter break for college (I think it was 2002), I went to my doctor for a refill on my birth control. I'd rather do without the exam, but it's my deal with the devil: one year of pills for 15 minutes of anxiety. Of course, there's some soreness afterwards, but I always tell people I spent the day at a dude ranch and chuckle when they invariably bring up Ted and Melody. What a tragic couple...
Anyway, the day of my appointment I was more nervous than usual. After my checkup, I had a meeting with my current boss—the man who was recruiting me for my first job out of college. At the time, it felt like my whole future. Considering I still work there, it is. I kept flashing from images of speculums, to handshakes, to slips of paper with dollar signs, to bigger speculums. By the time they called my name I was totally wound up. I could have sprinted and performed a back flip onto the exam table. Instead, I started getting chatty.
"Hi doc, how's it going, great weather, do you think it will rain tomorrow, you can't trust the weathermen you know..."
I'm sure he was used to people being nervous, but I was off the wall. The doc kept nodding and checking my file; I kept talking and looking around the room like a caged animal. Before I knew it, I was on the table with my legs in the stirrups. I didn't even know how I got there. It was somewhere between the weather and the escaped monkey molester that was making his way up the coast. I tried to get it together. I started focusing on the wall
"So Ally, how is school?"
I blinked. What is the fuck is school? Who is Ally?
"Er...fine."
He coughed. "Getting lots of Aces?"
He must have meant A's. I don't know; what I do know is that it triggered a memory for "Stand by Me," one of my all time favorite movies. I started giggling.
"Shoot everyone...? No Ace, just you."
I felt the doc pause."What?"
"It's a quote from 'Stand by Me.'"
"Oh."
He got quiet, but I found something to grab on to and my brain would let go. With the doc in the position, he was in and my weird mental state, I couldn't help myself.
I deepened my voice. "Sick balls, Chopper!"
It seemed like the funniest thing in the world because I had no balls.
The doc tried to laugh. "I never saw that movie."
"You're kidding. It's a classic. It has Keifer Sutherland, Corey Feldman, Wil Wheaton..."
"Oh, maybe I did see that...which one was Whiton?
"Wheaton! Oh my God. He was badass. He was the kid who performed the greatest train dodge ever!"
He laughed. "Sorry, not ringing any bells."
"He played Gordie Lachance, he wanted to be a writer...remember?"
"No, it just isn't..."
"Come on! He had tons of memorable lines."
"Like?"
"'SUCK MY FAT ONE, YOU CHEAP DIME STORE HOOD!'"
He popped up looking startled. I quickly realized I had yelled it and the people in the waiting room might have heard me. My mind was still a little screwy so I shouted at the wall.
"It's OK, we're talking about Wil Wheaton!"
The doc quickly took his gloves off. "I think we're done Ally. Everything looks fine. Here your script." He wrote it quickly and dropped it on my chest. I was still lying on the table.
"Ok, doc...so I can go?" Normally we talk in his office following the exam.
"Yes." He started rubbing his head. "I'll go and let you get dressed."
He nervously grabbed the file and walked into his office.
After getting myself together, I walked out the opposite door and into the waiting room. I got some looks as people glanced up from their questionnaires and magazines. I smiled and plucked the collar of my shirt up. They quickly looked away, but it made me laugh. On the way out, I wanted to shout some more quotes, but I realized I did enough damage. I saved them for my meeting with my boss, who happened to be a huge fan of "Stand By Me."
Shit yeah.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-01 19:01:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:07:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by alliecat (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:57:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know what kind of fucked up dr you see, but I always have a nurse present during exams!
==========================================================
Hmmm, now that you mention it, it is strange. And why does he always want to take my temperature rectally? I need to ask some serious questions next time.
-----
never mind that, watch for the guy who wants to take your temp orally.......with his penos.
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2006-02-01 08:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto stand by me plus 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-01 07:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vagina froth? What the hell is that, when your vagina gets rabies or something?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-29 12:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did he write you a script? Do you have teh herp, or does he think you're crazy when people touch you down there?
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-29 11:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because it ruled.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-26 18:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture kicks all amounts of ass...
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-26 10:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is one funny pic...
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-12-26 10:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-12-25 03:25:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this made me laugh out loud, which would earn a plus 2, but being the Uber Bad Boy my rating powers have been neutered by evil bart.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-12-25 03:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lay back and put your feet in the stirrups. This may be a little cold, and you are going to feel a pinch. I am going to touch you now, let me know if you feel uncomfortable....
I am a freelance gynocologitst!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-12-25 02:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stand By Me is my favourite movie of all time.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2005-12-24 14:03:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-23 17:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-23 06:28:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Dude was an awful fucking show. I was a 'Salute Your Shorts' kid.
And I have to +2 anyone who can merge Stand By Me with a gyno-exam.
===========================================================
Blasphemer! SYS was garbage compared to "Hey Dude." Donkeylips was annoying and Budnick deserved to be castrated for his obnoxious attitude (though it appears that he was a prominent voice actor for my favorite late 80s/early 90s cartoons [http://imdb.com/name/nm0177528/]).
And LadyPlural, I find that a kick to the face helps remind the Doc to Miagi his hands.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-12-23 11:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most women have normal worries when they get checked up, like cancer and vagina froth...
---
Muahhh hahaha. As for the having a nurse in the room, I agree it's more comfortable. However when I was pregnant I saw literally...5 doctors through the process and the one that didn't have a nurse in the room totally wigged me out.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-12-23 11:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-12-23 09:54:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+ fucking 2
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2005-12-23 09:00:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is that that gaylord Wesley from Star Trek?
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-23 06:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm suddenly reminded of something: When I was in the fourth grade, I played soccer (badly) sometimes, and this shithead named MATT FOCKHAERT (google) kept picking up the ball and running to the opposing goal. I let it slide when he grabbed the ball out from under me before I could kick it, resulting in a Charlie Brown-style mud-dive (auugghhh!), but when he mocked my (lack of) sweet goalie skills, I ran over to him. I tackled that son of a bitch, choked him, and called him a "cheap dime-store hood".
Eh. I was in the fourth grade. The concept of WIT didn't exist in those days.
He was also a fan of Stand by Me. I wonder if he ever watched it after that...
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-23 06:28:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Dude was an awful fucking show. I was a 'Salute Your Shorts' kid.
And I have to +2 anyone who can merge Stand By Me with a gyno-exam.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-23 06:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for scaring complete strangers
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-23 06:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On reflection - better than a +1
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-23 06:05:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
And that pic...
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-23 04:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. Any post with some humour and vaginal undertones is fine by me.
Did I just say "vaginal undertones".
Can I say that? Fuck, it's 9.30am and already I want this day to be finished. Holiday time for me bitches!
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-12-23 04:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whil Wheaton is bad ass!
More Big Whilly goodness: http://www.ubersite.com/m/61720
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2005-12-23 03:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome from start to finish.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-23 01:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The thing I hate the most about OB-GYN visits are the cold hands. I swear to god that they must like, put their hands in ice water directly before coming in to get all up in one's girly bits. Both of the doctors who I've had were like that.
I'm feeling cold just thinking about it.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-12-22 23:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:56:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I pity OB-GYNs. Sure, every now and again they're bound to see some absolutely top-shelf matchbox, but for every one of those pretties there HAS to be a heap of stop-a-clock ugly meatflaps.
This was fantastic. Good show, you.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most excellent, btw.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:10:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god, you said vagina froth.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:56:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
funny story...somebody somewhere thinks that sweater was a good idea...that person drinks alot
_________________
wait a minute...isn't that a pic of Wil Wheaton?
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But I would have made babies with Chris Chambers.
Too bad he died.
And wasn't real.
Or whatever.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
STAND BY ME IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER
I used to live where it was filmed..but I didn't know that til I moved there.
My landlord lived in Teddy DuChamp's house.
I got in trouble in seventh grade because my friend and I were passing notes with quotes from that movie on it..mine got intercepted on "SUCK MY FAT ONE, YOU CHEAP DIME STORE HOOD"
Goddamn I love that movie.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:18:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RePet (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"funny story...somebody somewhere thinks that sweater was a good idea...that person drinks alot"
---------------
I'd buy it.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny story...somebody somewhere thinks that sweater was a good idea...that person drinks alot
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Biggest one in four counties.
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:05:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, at least it wasn't "A complete and total... barf-o-rama."
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
BUTTSECKS?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it would be funny if the next time you go in for one of these exams, you pull a meg ryan and fake an orgasm while he is working on you
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:00:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder what will would have gotten if he had one the bet he apparently lost.
===================================================================
He explained it here:
http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/2005/12/if_you_want_to_.html
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by alliecat (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:57:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know what kind of fucked up dr you see, but I always have a nurse present during exams!
==========================================================
Hmmm, now that you mention it, it is strange. And why does he always want to take my temperature rectally? I need to ask some serious questions next time.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by alliecat (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:57:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know what kind of fucked up dr you see, but I always have a nurse present during exams!
=================
you probably want the right to vote next, you uppity bitch.
get back in the kitchen and make me a sammich
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:00:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder what will would have gotten if he had one the bet he apparently lost.
Submitted by alliecat (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know what kind of fucked up dr you see, but I always have a nurse present during exams!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:46:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's like you were calling your hood a cheap dime store- oh nevermind.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:25:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Rad I was a Wheaton maniac growing up. I was heartbroken when he died in "Toy Soldiers" and I stopped watching TNG for a month when the writers made him do that illegal star maneuver.
For one, he could do anything. They proved that when he turned into an alien in his final episode. For another, Wesley was too smart to get mixed up with assholes like those schoolmates.
---
*shakes head sadly*
I thought he was a fairly poor actor in star trek. He seemed to alternatively endanger the ship or rescue it with one of his inventions.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rad I was a Wheaton maniac growing up. I was heartbroken when he died in "Toy Soldiers" and I stopped watching TNG for a month when the writers made him do that illegal star maneuver.
For one, he could do anything. They proved that when he turned into an alien in his final episode. For another, Wesley was too smart to get mixed up with assholes like those schoolmates.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know how awkward it is to be up on a table with your legs akimbo
=======================
no. not awkward at all.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:59:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:51:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
Will Wheaton is a cunt.
========================================================
I'd have his little Crushers any day.
----------------
NERD
N
E
R
D
N TO THE E TO TEH R TO TEH DIZZLE
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:58:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
...
And, your Gran and my Gran must have went to the same Everything-Relating-To-Vagies-Is-A-Dirty-No-No University.
Mine thought that speculums "gave young ladies naughty ideas."
===============================================================
HAHAHA
*Nodding head*
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:59:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:51:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
Will Wheaton is a cunt.
========================================================
I'd have his little Crushers any day.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup, I can relate to this. Another fun activity to do whilst in the stirrups is to ask your Doc (if your Doc is a male); "So, do you ENJOY being an OB-GYN?" This is tricky for them because if they're quick to answer 'yes' then it almost makes them seem like a pervert. They know this and will squirm around the question.
And, your Gran and my Gran must have went to the same Everything-Relating-To-Vagies-Is-A-Dirty-No-No University.
Mine thought that speculums "gave young ladies naughty ideas."
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Witty indeed!
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:54:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:36:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Suck my fat one"???? Wait a second...you have a penis?
I think you're seeing the wrong Doctor, toots.
====================================================
Toots? How dare you? No one has called me that since I spent that summer in 1925. As for my fat one, well, what can I say? I guess I ate too many hot dogs as a kid. :P
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Will Wheaton is a cunt.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:36:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Suck my fat one"???? Wait a second...you have a penis?
I think you're seeing the wrong Doctor, toots.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it's the lack of sleep, but that was funny. I have respect for any woman who can crack jokes while (and about) any exam involving stir ups.
Oh, and Stand by Me is a good flick.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AND BAJINERS!!!!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Dude and wil Wheaton!!!!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The OBGYN obviously had to leave in a hurry so that people would see him not sucking your fat one.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:31:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone find me AAE. That chick needs to knit me that exact sweater. No. Fuck that. I need five of them.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:30:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha nice. btw your hymen CAN grow back, so have sex every day to make sure it doesn't.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining. moderately funny, moderately vaginaish, and it had Hey Dude.
what a show
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
posh.
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "legs akimbo"
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by m0ke34 (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahhahaha.
Also love the Hey Dude reference I think I saw in there.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I got the same sweater in my closet
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, I'd rape that guy in the sweater.
Try a midwife, it is a better experience.