UberMas 05: Home for the Holidays (815 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: competitions
Rating: 2 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2005-12-22 17:40:48 EST
Dear Santa,
Seasons greetings from the depths of this here jail,
This concrete land of bar and brick that causes men to wail,
A hole meant for correction, yes, to focus on my crime,
I've thought about it, yes I have, for all I've got is time.
Fifteen feet by seven sits my world, on display,
And in it sits a bone-thin bed on which I nightly lay,
Outside I've got a yard to walk, and walls to keep me in,
Inside: meals that taste like dust and help to keep me thin.
Nine long years I've spent here, counting minutes, one by one,
Knowing that I'm innocent of what they say I've done,
Nine long years I've done my time and suffered in this hell
Nine long years I've spent here, Santa, locked up in this cell.
Can you understand a life that's never truly yours?
Sitting, standing when they say so, when their sticks implore?
Trying to avoid the gangs to not get raped or shivved,
Striving to make friends to keep your mind from cracking in?
Sure, you've got your hardships - for your winter's never slow,
Clearly you must suffer for the children, this I know;
But while I'm sure this 'prison' of your duty takes its toll
It can't compare to day and night spent living in the hole.
Every year I write you, and then every year's the same:
No returning letter, no note carrying my name.
Hey, it's fine, I'm not upset - it's what I should expect
Given that it's your fault that my life is racked and wrecked.
Let's remember, shall we? I've got nothing else to do...
Back to '96 in Central Park: December flew
As if the fire of hell itself licked both its flapping wings,
Flying so towards Christmas and the joy the season brings.
I was on my way home from the jewelers late at night
Having bought a diamond chain I meant to give my wife,
Snow fell all around me and it twinkled in the dark,
Covering the city as I walked through Central Park.
Leaving heavy footprints in the powder, I walked on,
Taking in the evening air and singing Christmas songs,
Nights as calm and beautiful come once or twice a year
And so I strayed from off my path and through the bushes, near.
Walked I then awhile through the whitened grass and trees,
Keeping tight my jacket 'gainst the building winter breeze,
The night was something magical, as if spun from a dream,
But then the real world pinched me as I heard a woman scream.
Off I ran towards where I heard the wind pick up the moan,
Charging over hill and under branches white as bone,
Slick, the snow below me, and my feet slipped from my rush
Sending me headfirst through brambles, thickets, weed and brush.
Rolling to a stop I shook away the leaves and sticks,
Feeling where they cut my face and where I took my licks,
Dusting off my coat I heard the scream come once again,
Closer now, and muffled by the voices of two men.
Softly stepping through the snow I 'proached the voices, three,
Peering 'round an aging oak I saw what I could see,
Nothing could prepare me for the scene I saw that night,
Nothing more will ever seem as wicked as that sight:
Before me lay a clearing tucked away from path or trail
And in it was the woman who had quite the cause to wail,
Lay she crying in the snow, her clothes all wet and ripped
And on her wrists were two white hands that held her in their grip.
Following those snowy arms my eyes went wide and wild
Looking at a creature that I'd learned of as a child,
Twin eyes made of coal glared down upon the woman weeping -
There knelt Frosty, snowman, hat and all, his firm grip keeping.
'Neath his evil eyes I saw his lips let loose a cackle
Shooting snowflakes from his mouth and causing skin to crackle,
But Santa, please remember: Frosty didn't work alone,
For when I looked the other way I found out why she moaned.
You were in your suit of red, just like you always wear,
Your hat was off your head, your face surrounded by your hair,
I saw you there between her legs, your body slowly bucking,
Raping slow there in the snow, your cheeks all flushed with fucking.
"Ho-ho-hold her, Frosty, for she's quite the naughty girl!"
You said to him, "In fact, dear friend, why not give her a whirl!"
You rolled your weight from off her and you took the snowman's place
Pinning down her arms while your wet dick lay on her face.
Quickly Frosty dove between her legs and started bobbin'
Forcing in the carrot nose that sat so on his noggin,
Laughing like a fat man, oh, you watched the snowman's show
While her quiet tears begin to melt the falling snow.
My world started spinning and I felt myself grow faint,
Holding back the vomit took a great deal of restraint,
I was not a violent man, and I'm not violent still,
But at that moment, Claus, I swear, my blood was primed to kill.
Remember how I crept behind you, making not a sound?
And how I snapped your white hair back and pulled you to the ground?
I wish that I'd just done the deed and crushed your windpipe flat,
But first I had to take care of the asshole in the hat.
A gut-kick kept you busy, and you tried to breathe and coughed,
I walked behind the snowman and I ripped his stick arms off,
I tore apart the snowball that composed his lower half
My knees dropped through his torso, and he turned his head and laughed.
The carrot ripped from off his face and stuck between her thighs,
The woman sobbed and turned away, and silently she cried,
Frosty fixed his eyes on me and 'round him grew the snow,
Quickly he rebuilt himself, and we stood toe to toe.
Rearing back a fist I forced my arm clean through his face,
The snow froze up around me and it held my hand in place,
Stick-arms ripped and tore at me, their bark so dark and stiff,
They shucked the skin from off my brow and split my upper lip.
Wildly then, with pain and fear, I flailed for the coal
My hands struck true, I blinded him - the lumps torn from his skull,
With a hearty kick I took the legs from off his frame
And then I turned to you, St. Nick, and shouted out your name.
You had disappeared, but I could eas'ly find your tracks,
And quickly ran to catch you so you'd pay for your attack,
I found you just around the bend escaping in your sleigh,
And I, too slow for reindeer, had to watch you fly away.
I called for help and waited with the woman, kept her safe,
Told the cops about the fight and how I stopped the rape,
The tale, too farfetched for them, was met with doubt and rage,
Pronouncing me a suspect, New York's Finest built their case.
Quickly, then to trial, where before the judge I sat
All the evidence I had was carrot, coal and hat,
Prosecutors argued that the woman scratched my face
Trying to protect herself and loose my cruel embrace.
Christmas Day it came and went, and then the trial resumed:
Gavel struck the wood and then a DA charged the room,
"Judge, I have new evidence, delivered, come about,
It proves this man the rapist, and there is no room for doubt!"
There I watched him birth a tape from out a box of red,
Judge and jury watched the tape - I read the tag instead:
'Merry Christmas, hope this helps, let's put him behind bars!
You've been a good boy this year. Your friend, Old Santa Claus"
Yes, I know you sent it, know your elves helped clear your name,
I know not how they did it, but they did it all the same,
The jury spoke, unanimous, and sentenced me to life,
To years and years and years and years away from house and wife.
I won't forget you, Santa, no, I keep you close to heart,
For sometimes you're my only comp'ny round these jail's parts,
I don't know how, or when, but soon, someday I'll shake these walls,
And mark me, Santa, listen well - I'm coming for your balls.
Nine years spent behind these bars, nine years thus put away,
I have no home to hang my hat or spend the holiday,
You're my home now, Santa, and I know one day you'll burn,
I thought you were a saintly man, but oh, now how I've learned.
I want to be happy in a million different ways,
You can't beat it, home I hear, just like the carol says,
Though I'm here trapped by these walls I know I'll someday roam
And work my way right back to you, my waiting holiday home.
Fuck you, fat man,
Inmate 2966184
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:58:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Santa Voltage drops in to pay a visit to the little boys and girls.
HERE'S A +2 LITTLE ONES! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! HO HO HO!
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:23:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
its hard to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-25 00:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, just take the St. Uber title already, why doncha... :-)
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-23 17:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bumstain
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-23 16:45:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:08:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
that's tough. Orgie comes out with a 30,000 word epic poem every other day.
---
Orgie, huh?
That name's a first, and hilarious to boot. Like George, but better.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-12-23 13:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-23 10:39:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
To the only real poet on Uber
==============================
You're forgetting Bickerstaff.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-12-23 13:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Established writer or not....
I thoroughly enjoy your writing and....I believe that maybe with a little extra time you would probably get published.
Think about it...
"ORGASMATRON" in lights!!
Just a thought.
:)
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-23 10:39:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To the only real poet on Uber
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-23 08:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
LP --
See, this is what happens when you write something at work and don't look it over.
What I was trying to suggest is that Santa Claus - who, of course, can make anything for Christmas - used his Christmas trickery/fairy dust/mojo to create a fake tape to clear his name and condemn the narrator. He then left it was a present for the DA on Christas Day, who probably just assumed that some anonymous source dropped it off.
Looking at it now, it's not particularly clear.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-23 02:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry that I'm a bit stupid, but... What was on the tape? That sort of not knowing is not cool.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Re: established writer v. man with too much time on his hands.
Sorry to disappoint, but I'm not an established writer. Just a guy who works in marketing and thinks that Motorhead songs make good usernames.
And while I'll admit, I sometimes have more free time on my hands at work than I'd like, I don't spend days and days on each of these. Lord knows they'd be better if I did.
Oh, and everyone knows my real name is Fisto Caliente.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome work as usual...
i would have read it sooner,
but i've been working on mine.
eEk.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:06:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
<whitespace>
_______________________________________________
I love reviews like this, because it tells you that the message was longer, but the author didn't like it and cut it out.
I do it all the time...
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:08:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:51:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
RATE THIS POST, YOU LAZY FUCKS!!
________________________
that's tough. Orgie comes out with a 30,000 word epic poem every other day.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:51:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RATE THIS POST, YOU LAZY FUCKS!!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I surprised more people haven't reviewed this.
Excellently done. Great job again Orgasmo. Although I know a three-some rape with a snowman and jolly ole Saint Nick gets you hard doesn't it?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does anyone on this site know Orgasmatron's real name?
Well, I do. It's William Milton Browning Poe Kipling
Chaucer Longfellow Sandburg Yeats Kilmer Burns
Coleridge Dickinson Auden Eliot Frost Shakespeare.
And that's just his first name!
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Command
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:57:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't be surprised if this guy's flatulence came out on perfect, melodious rhymes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Seriously...
He is either an established writer or a man with too much time on his hands..
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't be surprised if this guy's flatulence came out on perfect, melodious rhymes.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is priceless...
You are an amazing talent!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...juh-juh-Jesus.
Highly entertaining shit!