UberMas '05-- A Christmas Poem About Ubersite, Guaranteed To Piss Some Of You Off (2356 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2005-12-22 19:21:46 EST
'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the night,
Sideburns wasted time on Uber, "-2 die!"
The stockings were hung by the chimney, ho hum
In hopes that St. Nick's fat ass would soon come
Michael Jackson was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of children danced in his head
And while surfing and drinking, I was bored as junk,
I took one last sip, then passed out drunk.
When out on the lawn, there were moans and such,
I was awoken from the barking of my one-eyed mutt
I jumped up quickly and turned of the radio,
Walked to the door and stepped in a bowl of Spaghettios.
And what to my mutt's wondering eye should appear,
But Uber's own Apollo, that homo, that fag, that queer.
As he adjusted his cone tities, I adjusted my contact lens,
"I'm here for the party. I saw the sign ATTN GHEY MENZ."
MJ peeked from his room, "Did Santa bring me boys?"
"Shutup, Michael", I said, "Or you won't get any toys."
Holy shit, I forgot. The Ubersite party's tonight.
I need to clean up, this place wasn't a pleasant sight.
A few hours later, the party was popping,
Uberites were drinking, partying and dropping.
Habeeb had material for his highest rated post in some time,
The post's final rating? -0.99.
Everybody was enjoying themselves, when I heard turned around
And heard the knocker on my door make another sound
I stepped over Tom, who was passed out from caffeine(not alcohol)
While drunk ass Fat Tony picked a fight with the wall.
"Nice knocker", said A.J., mine's made of brass.
"That might explain", I said, "why you don't get any ass."
"Very funny," he said. "But I have the last laugh..
Because last night, I slept with your dad."
"Merry Christmas everyone!", Cabaretgirl screamed.
"Who brought the chips? I've got homemade sour cream!"
In walked Razor, that crazy pompous pig.
"I PWN IN UBERMADNESS, NOW YOU ALL SUCK MY DICK!"
In the back room, Kristen got pregnant again.
How many is that now? 8? 9? Maybe 10?
Who's the daddy? I knew from the start.
I'm not naming any names-- Cough, coughbart.
Another hour later, again I answered the door.
In my presence, stood my one and only Lord.
"Your Lord, Saviour, the Son of Christ is here..
Now where are the bitches? There had better be some beer!"
"Oh my Dad!," Jesus exclaimed.
"Smirnoff Ice? This is why I came!"
Who let in the ugly guy? This is what I feared.
You can find that ugly mug pictured here. (http://www.ubersite.com/m/81312)
Jesus pissed in a cup as he toked on his bud.
"Hey Schlongy! Drink this, for this is my blood!"
He pulled down his pants, that boy is naughty,
"Hey fuckers! Eat this, for this is my body!"
JewToast can't make it, he's dead but we wish him well.
His last words, "I'll sue you in hell!"
Method showed up with a girl and a gay,
To make himself more available, he started swinging both ways.
Method's a nut, what can I say?
He spent the rest of the night calling IP-Relay.
Loki told stories as her eyes glistened.
But it was so boring that nobody listened.
MickGinny puffed out his chest, guarding the door,
While WillZone and Spooner made out on the floor.
Rad1101 spoke up, holding up money.
"I bet Spoon writes a post about this-- and it won't be funny."
Gibberish couldn't make it because he was "dead".
His best friend Fibberish showed up instead.
Comicbookguy came in, not too friendly.
"I need to drop a yuletide log down the porcelain chimney"
Presents were traded, so was food.
I got nothing, which I found somewhat crude.
Electro got an artificial vagina, but he didn't know what to do.
But it's okay. Lisa can show him because she got one too.
Reallybored wasn't really bored, that hypocritical prick.
Donovan didn't show up, the self absorbed dick.
Big Mike told interesting stories, Schlongy fucked and cussed.
Zakalwe showed up, but nobody knew who he was.
Jonukah told jokes, they weren't funny anyway.
But everyone laughed just because he's on the MVA.
All of a sudden, Santa bust through the wall.
''OHH YEAH!! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!"
"Merry Christmas, Santa", I said as he lingered.
His rosy cheeks turned redder as he gave me the finger.
His eyes glazed over. Folks, Santa had lost it.
"I prefer 'Happy Holidays', he said. Santa was agnostic.
Jesus was near and heard him say this.
"Dad damnit!", spewed Jesus. "Now I'm pissed."
"You want some?", asked Santa. "You stupid ass jew."
"Bring it", responded Jesus. "I'll rapture all over you."
Jesus and Santa fought all over the place.
In the end, Jesus raptured Santa's face.
Kris Kringle, sighing, jumped in his sleigh.
The only one to leave the party without getting laid.
"Now Dasher, now Dancer, Now prancer and the rest!
Now Dimples and Tookie, and Ronda and Bob!
Santa forgot the reindeers' names or so it seemed.
But it doesn't really matter, he was gone off Jim Beam.
Orgasmatron read poems, Jack McCallum entertained,
While beer_bong and fatmanpk tried to explain the stain.
"It's mayonnaise", they both sweared.
The blue dress on beer_bong was fixed with all stares.
Sassmaster, FartSmeller, Confuzitron I don't remember.
But I figured I'd mention them, because, hell, it's December.
iddqd showed everyone how their posts should be modeled.
In the meantime, Tom Sorrell was hit with a bottle.
After the party, everyone was met with their fate.
An obvious -2 from everyone's favorite, Nate.
Bliztkreig Bob showed up, Creepy_guy and Wisher could be seen.
But BillsSBChamps couldn't make it, for he's in the Marines.
Lady Plural, Fabish, Spuds002 all made it!
WiKi didn't show up, for almost everyone there she dated.
Avals, Bellebrown, both danced with ManicMother.
While Quartermain and Maiorano argued pointlessly with eachother.
If you don't understand this poem, I feel sorry for you,
For that means that you are nothing but a mere newb.
This party will be remembered by one and all,
but mostly for turning Hidden101 back to alcohol
If I forgot to mention you, I don't care, your name isn't worth a dime.
You can write your own poem and mention your name a million times.
Santa finally recovered enough to guide the sleigh,
As he flew off, you could hear him say--
"Merry Christmas my ass, you can all go to hell!
Ho Ho Ho Ho! ROFL!!11"
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-02-24 03:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A few hours later, the party was popping,
Uberites were drinking, partying and dropping.
Habeeb had material for his highest rated post in some time,
The post's final rating? -0.99.
-------------------------------------
DAMN U
WEEEEEEEEEP
Submitted by Williams_2004 (user info) at 2006-02-06 09:34:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:20:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dont listen to these fags, this was good shit.
Notice most of the complainers are from England, what the fuck did you expect from them?
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree, fucking English are a bunch of wankers.
Good post I found it funny +2 for u sir.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-01-15 02:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i figured i'd rate...'cuz it's december
or close enough
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:59:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How the FUCK did my name get mentioned in this post? I like it! +2
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-01-01 19:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-12-30 22:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're engaged???
Submitted by angeleyz23 (user info) at 2005-12-27 20:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are the man sideburns. i've read your other stuff and you kick ass....marry me sideburns...
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-12-26 23:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As a poem it was shit. As a post it was grade A.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-12-25 12:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was funny. And true.
Merry Christmas.
+2 because I've never given you anything less.. why start now?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-25 00:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Uhhh....
okay.....
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-23 13:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget to read the Round Three UberMas submissions:
ghola - It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year -- http://www.ubersite.com/m/81424
Jack_McCallum - Miracle on 34th Street -- http://www.ubersite.com/m/81414
Orgasmatron - Home for the Holidays -- http://www.ubersite.com/m/81416
Orgasmatron: Proudly Linkwhoring Since 1871.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-12-23 12:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And just when I started to get bored because all hope of being mentioned was lost...
But seriously, most of this was pretty funny, if not intentionally offensive, which is always a winner in my book. If you can't offend with visuals, do it with substance.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-12-23 12:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay! I'm worth less than a dime!
Take that fuckers...
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-12-23 11:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome...
I'm worth a Nickel!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-23 10:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give it two thumbs up
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-23 10:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GHEY.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-12-23 08:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gee
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-12-23 08:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah Burnsie, you slay me. Nice way to work in a bottle.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-23 05:53:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-23 04:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
actually was thinking about a nap about now
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-23 04:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah i'm pissed...i was supposed to have been relieved 1 hour and 35 minutes ago
now the fucking bar is going to be closed and i can't spend the obscene amount of money
this motherfucker promised me in cash @ midnight
I earned it!.. staying on Uber this fucking long, typing with my left hand and keeping ? uh
both eyes open?
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-12-23 04:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<weeps> no toys? Say it ain't so!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-23 03:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
who the fuck are you?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-12-23 03:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I knew no one remembers me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-23 02:45:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:55:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
Okay Uber. I don't have anything left in my head for you. I said that when my posts start sucking, I'll stop posting.
===============
oh get off your high horse you EMO cunt
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-12-23 02:38:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-23 01:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:46:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree it sucked ass poetically, but it took quite a lot of work and I've +2ed much less.
===
Plus my name was in it.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-12-23 01:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for reminding me, I gotta pick up my dry cleaning.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute, burnsy.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:11:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Menstrual blood's red
And tight balls are blue
This was quite funny
So +2 to you
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree it sucked ass poetically, but it took quite a lot of work and I've +2ed much less.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, dude. That was long.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought this rocked.
i support everything ubermas.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dont listen to these fags, this was good shit.
Notice most of the complainers are from England, what the fuck did you expect from them?
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meter
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-12-22 21:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
3xoptics
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Okay Uber. I don't have anything left in my head for you. I said that when my posts start sucking, I'll stop posting.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-12-22 20:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hickery dickery dock
Your mom was sucking my cock.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:47:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So Ruthless the titless sat rubbing her twat,
dribbling big globs of vaginal snot,
wondering if she could cum like a turkey,
her little pussy looks just like beef jerky.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here, ruthless:
And Ruthless was sat in the bathroom alone
Ignoring the freaks as she talked on the phone
"Please, come pick me up from this hellhole" she said
"All these losers keep trying to drag me to bed."
While outside young Sideburns was humping the door
And Method tried tunnelling in through the floor
Ruthless, the hottie too good for those guys
Sat armed with a spraycan to aim at their eyes
-------------------------------
HA!
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:43:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For fuck's sake, Sideburns, here:
OMG that was classic Sideburns hilarity.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahahahha!! Thanks Circe, that is awesome.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Poetry ain't yer gig. dude...
The thought was fine, though.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here, ruthless:
And Ruthless was sat in the bathroom alone
Ignoring the freaks as she talked on the phone
"Please, come pick me up from this hellhole" she said
"All these losers keep trying to drag me to bed."
While outside young Sideburns was humping the door
And Method tried tunnelling in through the floor
Ruthless, the hottie too good for those guys
Sat armed with a spraycan to aim at their eyes
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i love when people are bitter after the second review.
...but she's right, though.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So it doesn't flow. You don't like it.
Here's the receipt. Fucking return it, Circe.
Merry X-mas.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It wouldn't have been hard to make this funny and easier to read - a lot of lines didn't rhyme properly and your meter was way off, though, and that really ruined it.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh*
Someone add a verse for me.
Please?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
In fact, add your own verse so that you are included.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-12-22 19:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...but seriously, I'm sorry if I didn't include you.