Ubermas 05 - It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (749 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2005-12-22 22:07:04 EST
Many, many years ago a squad of ninjas befriended a rogue Santa Claus. Santa was hard up for cash, smoking a lot of weed, and hitting the crank more than he should.
"It's hard to make a livin'guys," Santa sighs. "This Jesus Christ stuff is getting me down."
The ninjas crowd around the white bearded man as he sobs out Christmas glee.
"Listen," Grandmaster Mishiro Yoshitaka says, as he reassuringly rubs Santa's frazzled beard. "We have mastered the art of time travel. It's really nothing more than a matter of extreme stealth. We'll just slip back in time and fix this little problem for you."
Santa stands up and throws his arms around the surprised ninja grandmaster. "Grandmaster Yoshitaka! How will I ever repay you?"
The ninjas exchange a knowing glance.
"Well, there is one thing, Santa," Yoshitaka says and whispers enthusiastically through the bushes of grey hair that protrude from Santa's ear.
Santa nods affirmatively at the clan of ninjas and before he can utter a reply they are gone through the yarn of time, woven in cheap red-green Christmas yarn.
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The ninjas stumble through Bethlehem, gazing up into the sky to follow the star that will surely lead them to the manger that they seek.
They hear the soft thud of footsteps, plodding along in front of them and they send one of the younger ninjas to investigate.
He hangs down from a tree limb and cups an ear to hear what the strangers are saying.
"I can't believe you fucking got him Myrrh," one man laments, his nasal tone making the young ninja's hair stand on end.
The ninja returns to his clan and tells them, "It's those three wise men. You remember...the ones with the gifts for Jesus."
Yoshitaka shakes his head. "That won't do. There can be no witnesses."
The young ninja laughs. "No one will miss them. I mean, come on, myrrh? What the fuck was that guy thinking?"
As they try to stifle their teetering, the ninjas advance towards the group of wise men. They tighten their belts and smooth their sleeves, readying themselves for attack.
An angry cry of "ARGGHHH," stops them all dead in their tracks. Three drunken pirates block the ninjas' path.
Pointing a wobbling hook at them, one pirate says, "I'm afraid these wise men are insured and protected by Badasspirates INC." He folds his arms and nods at them. "So you're going to have to move along. Find some uninsured wise men to attack."
"But-" the young ninja starts.
"Silence!" Grandmaster Yoshitaka commands. "Ninjas do not tolerate such affronts."
Yoshitaka flicks his wrist, releasing his deadly ninja star. It rips through the wind, slicing all three pirates' necks. The pirates slump to the ground in a sopping puddle of alcohol, urine and blood.
Yoshitaka laughs, and retrieves his ninja star from the throat of the last pirate, wiping the blood on the pirates ruffled white shirt.
Eyeing the disgusting puddle surrounding the three he smirks and says, "That's really all they were anyway. No one ought to notice the difference."
They look around for the wise men, but they've run away, quite fearfully during the tussle.
Yoshitaka bends over and picks up the myrrh, but gold and frankincense are nowhere to be found. He mutters, "Of course they'd drop the worthless shit."
The ninjas amble onward, following the bright star, concealing themselves to passersby and scurrying merchants.
They have no problem creeping into the manger and Yoshitaka scoops up the baby Jesus, swaddling clothes and all, before Mary can utter a cry.
Joseph turns as though to flee, but hits some sort of switch located next to the entry way of the manger.
"We're insured bitches!" he screams out.
A door in the manger slides open and a rabid zombie stumbles toward the ninjas.
Yoshitaka rolls his eyes as the zombie staggers towards him. He remains where he is, unflinching.
The other ninjas back away and stand next to Joseph and Mary to watch the expected onslaught.
Yoshitaka holds the baby Jesus out in front of him laughs as the zombie begins to tear the baby's flesh from its bones. Blood runs down the zombie's chin and drips onto the ragged collar of his shirt.
"Noooooooooo," Mary screams and runs forward, gathering her skirt in her hand to avoid tripping. She snatches the baby and hits the zombie with a rolled up newspaper. "Bad Zombie! Bad!"
She wipes at Jesus's arm with a handkerchief and her eyes water over. "You fucking bastard...you bastard," she mutters.
Joseph rests his hand on her shoulder and bites his bottom lip. "It's too late Mary. He's going to turn pretty soon now."
She turns to confront the ninjas but they have already gone.
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Flash forward to Christmas 2005.
In Wal-mart there is an aisle of Ceramic Santa statues and on the bottom shelf, pushed back in the corner there is a plastic nativity scene. There is no baby Jesus, because some teenage kid lifted it. He probably thought it was hilarious.
The same fucking kid has a Dawn of the Dead poster hanging over his bed and he has no clue how religious that poster ought to be.
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It's odd that no one noticed the sudden disappearance of Prancer from the Christmas scene. Somewhere there is a badass ninja riding him through the sky, celebrating Yoshitaka's great victory.
More people would appreciate ninjas if they knew the truth.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-25 15:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-01-16 00:02:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I DIG CHICKS WITH SHORT HAIR
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-12-25 00:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*scratches testicles in confusion*
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-23 17:33:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell Berty it would have been better with pirates than ninjas.
I miss you on my posts Berty, but I have just joined the Brit union, so now you have an obligation you know. I sent my application to apollo and Spam told me I was accepted.
The Gollum comment was a joke.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-12-23 17:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-23 15:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Holidays girl!
Great post.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-23 15:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Holidays girl!
Great post.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-23 13:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the only thing this story was missing was boobs.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-23 12:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-23 10:07:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-23 02:47:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
My7rrh? I seen that word before, I just doesn't reckymember where. . .
Great story, although really fucking weird........
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I almost took a clip of your story and used it as conversation...
but I didn't know if it'd be ok-
so I didn't.
__________________________________________________________
It would been fine with me.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-23 12:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-23 12:10:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
How about that? It worked.
Have a merry Christmas Ghola. I'll see everyone int the new year.
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Thanks for the idea Berty.
Merry Christmas to you too-
hope things improve for you in the new year.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-23 12:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about that? It worked.
Have a merry Christmas Ghola. I'll see everyone int the new year.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-23 10:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more camwhore.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-23 10:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-23 02:47:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
My7rrh? I seen that word before, I just doesn't reckymember where. . .
Great story, although really fucking weird........
-----------------
I almost took a clip of your story and used it as conversation...
but I didn't know if it'd be ok-
so I didn't.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-23 09:23:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a strange little girl...but I enjoy your work
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-12-23 02:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm... I had to think about what I thought of this one for a little while. I finally came to the conclusion that it was a statement that has been made countless times, but coming up with new and interesting ways to say it takes talent in and of itself. Plus, I had to question myself on why it rubbed me the wrong way at first, and that's always fun.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-23 02:47:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My7rrh? I seen that word before, I just doesn't reckymember where. . .
Great story, although really fucking weird........
Submitted by prozacaddict (user info) at 2005-12-23 00:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent as usual
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2005-12-23 00:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you weren't in a fucking contest....
besides, we wizards could kick you ninjas asses.
any time, beeeotch.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cant go wrong with ninjas and santa.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-22 22:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment