How a 70's doll fucked up my cousin (thanks Stabkill and Joedaddy!) Pictorial included. (6550 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2005-12-27 02:27:58 EST
Thanks to Stabkill's 80's music post; http://www.ubersite.com/m/81559 (which threw me into a manic state by the way);
And Joedaddy helping me remember one of Mattel's more insidious creations of self-esteem destroyers of prepubescent girls;
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-26 18:44:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Attention Uber Ladies who around in the 70's....
Remember when the Barbie who could grow bigger boobs came out (late 70's)? What was the
name of that Barbie? Something corny but I can't remember what.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-26 21:25:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
forensicgirl3...i think you're talking about 'Skipper'...she came on the market right after 'Twiggie'
i also think i am quite certain, that you don't want to know, why...i know that
:P
I was inspired to write this ode to a doll that could only be conceptualized and created in Hell, and to it's most fevered and devoted disciple, my cousin Jennifer.
It was 1976, I was 6 years old and Jenny was 5. Jenny and I never got along; we were as day is to night. She was a dainty girly-girl and I was a tomboy. Jenny wanted to grow up and be a ballerina/fairy princess/school teacher; I wanted to be a scientist/mechanic/astronaut/cowgirl that had spurs on her boots.
One of the reasons Jenny and I never saw eye to eye (and this is important because otherwise I'll be seen as a devil-spawn child) was that Jenny believed she and her parents to be better than me and my parents.
Jenny would be in a frilly dress, having tea parties with her dolls, and would sneer at me saying;
"Your Daddy is JUST a mechanic. MY Daddy is a businessman. MY Daddy has more money than your Daddy. My Mommy is skinnier than your Mommy. Your Mommy is fat and has a big bottom. My Mommy says that you'll have a big bottom too."
So, as you can see, any and all little girl bitchiness on my part was well deserved.
Jenny did have an older brother who was 7, Todd, who I called Toad. He liked it.
Jenny did love her dolls. She'd spend every moment of free time dressing them, grooming them, talking to them, arranging them, and so on. She was completely, totally, and hopelessly obsessed.
One of Jenny's dolls that defied explanation was "Growing Up" Skipper. Let me elaborate....
Growing Up Skipper was a Barbie like doll who would 'grow' breasts when you rotated her arms. It was positively surreal!
Really, WHAT sick twist would dream up a doll marketed towards little girls (sans breasts) that would go from flat chested to a proper large B or small C cup instantly?! A nation of little girls growing up in the 70's actually thought this was normal and believed that if we only flapped our arms enough, we too could have perfectly symmetrical, instant breasts, worthy to rival even the fastest growing Sea Monkeys.
It's a wonder we didn't all fly to the moon from the effort.
Toad was just as exasperated with his sister as I was. Jenny loved to tell Toad that any day, their parent's were going to ship him off to boarding school. She loved to tell him that she overheard them making telephone calls and he better start packing.
Quite the little bitch, wasn't she?
When Jenny got Growing Up Skipper, you would have thought she just shit a gold brick. She thought the doll was genius. She loved to make the breasts grow and shrink and grow and shrink and grow and shrink. HOURS she did this.
Jenny showed her doll to me, intending to make me die from envy and grief that I would never possess such a doll because my dad was a mechanic and my mother had a fat bottom. As she twisted the arms making Skipper grow her breasts, I stared dumbfounded at the plastic monstrosity.
And laughed my fool ass off.
Of course, Jenny screamed at me to stop. She stamped her foot. She even tried to hit me. I didn't care, I couldn't stop laughing.
"You're jealous!" she said pouting.
"Aw, Bullshit!" I responded between gasps of breath.
"Bonnie, no cussing!" the adults chided me from the other room.
Jenny's cries eventually brought the adults who ushered her into the kitchen to calm her down. My father bent down and whispered, "I know she's a pain, but try to be nice."
As Jenny sobbed in her family's kitchen, Toad and I undressed Growing Up Skipper to figure out how exactly the breasts worked. Instead of dissecting the doll as was my desire, Toad (a budding artist) decided to take a magic marker and give Skipper some nipples.
Jenny eventually returned only to find a naked Growing Up Skipper doll who now had nipples. Toad and I had disappeared down to the basement to find some kind of solvent to dissolve Skipper (solvent = my idea).
The screams of horror from Jenny filled the house followed by wailing.
My parents took pity on Jenny's mother and father and took Toad and I back to our place for the rest of the afternoon.
I was semi-punished for being deliberately mean. It could have been worse but I told my mother that Jenny said she had a fat bottom.
As an adult, Jenny is still a prissy bitch.
Even though she lives in Section 8 housing with 3 children by 4 different men. You read that right, don't worry.
Sometimes I think I should get on E-bay and try to find a Growing Up Skipper doll and send it to Jenny as a peace offering.
Then I come to my senses.
Now, observe the pictorial evidence of the ludicrousness of this doll.
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-26 12:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"Growing Up Ginger" - the story of Oathmeal...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for 70s toys
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-01-08 00:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How can doll boobies even for one hot second ever be considered CONSERVATIVE?!
Doll boobies, people, DOLL BOOBIES!
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2006-01-08 00:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-28 09:48:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-28 09:34:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
this is hilarious! b@w
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That would be nice alright! But folks have told me they've submitted a few of my posts for B@W but Bart never puts them on.
<emo tears>
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If Bart detects just a minor hint of conservative thought, he will shut you out.
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-08 00:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cripes
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, this kicks ass.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-12-31 07:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dear forensic:
email me at moomoozoo.at.gmail.com, I have a squid somewhere which needs a home. it's made of white fun fur and fleece and is quite cute. mr flibble has put it somewhere but it can't have gone far.
I'd prefer to arrange stuff with you without me having to stick the bugger on ebay..... I'm lazy and that's a hassle.
from
Flib.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-31 06:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to make my GI JOes run trains on each other.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-30 12:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HEY! Thanks for bumping this.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-30 11:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-29 17:01:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a question. Did some of you ladies out there make Ken and Barbie do the naughty or am I the only one?
=====================
Tiger, you don't even want to know. Boy, did I ever.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-30 11:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i had one ken doll and like 50 barbies... do the math. and three barbie horses, but they only watched.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-12-30 11:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course my Ken and Barbi did the naughty, Tiger.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-29 17:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a question. Did some of you ladies out there make Ken and Barbie do the naughty or am I the only one?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-28 09:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-28 09:34:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
this is hilarious! b@w
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That would be nice alright! But folks have told me they've submitted a few of my posts for B@W but Bart never puts them on.
<emo tears>
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-28 09:35:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-27 11:17:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's really only a matter of time before there is a doll out there to help little girls understand that "special time of the month."
____
hahahaha
"It's Patty Period! Complete with life-like PMS symptoms! Tampax not included."
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-28 09:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is hilarious! b@w
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-12-28 09:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Somehow I can see the brother of the girl who played with these dolls twisting the left arm too furiously trying to grow giganto fun bags, only to snap the arm off. Sister screams MOM!!!!! A fight ensues over who broke whose stuff and Dad gets the belt.
Because all the Dad really wants is silence. He doesn't care about justice, right/wrong, or being fair. He doesn't care that the 7 dollar doll is broken. He doesn't care that lil sis retaliated by smacking brothers' roller blades with a hammer, a fight broke out and now everyone needs medical attention. He just wants QUIET!
Sorry, I got carried away.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-27 19:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Aw fuck!
There it goes
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-27 18:34:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-27 18:19:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post. We never had toys like that- we had knitted stuff and lego.
--
Exactly how long did rationing last in the UK after WWII?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-27 18:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post. We never had toys like that- we had knitted stuff and lego.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-12-27 17:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i remember one of the GI Joe dolls my brother had. though i cant recall the name, it was the evil one with long hair, and face paint. think it was destro, or something. anywho, i remember looking at that thing when i was about 18, and just going "what teh ghey?" so, i cut off its hair, drew on a beard with magic marker and gave it a bandaid bandanna. well after that, he was just so cool lookin, he became my doll. not that, i had played with him or anything. seriously, im too cool for that.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-27 16:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If real girls were like that, I'd buy one.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-27 16:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My sister and I had this huge crate of Barbie dolls when we were younger, because our older cousin had outgrown them all and they were just passed off to us. And oh hell yes we even got the Barbie Dream House and a fancy pink Corvette for the Barbies.
I always played games with them that I *know* would have resulted in my either being taken into protective custody because of suspected child abuse, or put in for psychiatric evaluation. Had anyone found out, I mean. It all would have depended on which games I was playing with them when I got caught.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-12-27 15:00:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I find it mildly disturbing that both dolls have slogans of "She's 2 dolls in 1 for twice as much fun."
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-27 14:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-27 13:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to chew the fingers and toes off all of my barbies when I was little.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-27 13:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, I want one. And I would have wanted to take it apart, too, just to find out how it worked. And your cousin sounds like one of my cousins who richly needed some good old fashioned trauma when she was that age.
This is related, I swear: http://www.ubersite.com/m/41293
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-27 13:22:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yay! Most Heated!
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-12-27 12:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another reason I wish I grew up in the 70's...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-27 12:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-27 12:03:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I dunno, something about innanimate miniture people with unblinking eyes staring at me...... "
Exactly why, when you spot one clicking it's way across the floor to you with it's arms open wide, you become a tad, well, unsettled.
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thanks asshole, now i'm gonna have nightmares.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-27 12:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ding.Ding.Ding.Ding.Ding....we have a winner. Awesome.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-27 12:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I dunno, something about innanimate miniture people with unblinking eyes staring at me...... "
Exactly why, when you spot one clicking it's way across the floor to you with it's arms open wide, you become a tad, well, unsettled.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-27 11:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking hilarious.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-27 11:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All dolls creep me out. They did then and do today. I dunno, something about innanimate miniture people with unblinking eyes staring at me......
<shudder>
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-27 11:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a rubadub dolly. It was creepy, I'm not surprised to hear that it was capable of coming to life in the night. I was more the stuffed animal kind of kid, much safer that way. I'm pretty sure that if a stuffed animal came to life in the night, it would be to protect me from the creepy dolls.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-12-27 11:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha. I do remember having little friends with these dolls. And I remember Sea Monkeys. I always wanted them, but my mother was wise to the false advertising, as I was the youngest of 7 kids, many of whom had convinced my parents to buy them in the past. She became the master of changing the subject and getting my mind somewhere else.
Me and dolls though... that's another story. I was terrified of them since I was about 5 - when I had a nightmare that my Rub-a-dub Dolly came to life and waddled across my bedroom... which is more than likely a big part of the reason why I'm 35 and have no children of my own ;)
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-27 11:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's really only a matter of time before there is a doll out there to help little girls understand that "special time of the month."
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-27 11:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA. ok. that reminds me of my cousin jenny.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-27 10:47:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
3 kids by 4 different men? Did she eat one of the kids or something?
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-12-27 10:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a peodophiles dream
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-27 10:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Score.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-27 10:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a prissy cousin who I hated as a kid. She sounds very much like your cousin. She married a Texas state trooper and has two kids. One of them, the girl child is named Bret or something I don't know what, I just call her Brat. She's exactly the same prissy little bitch that her mom was when she was that age. The boy child
is
named
Trooper
get it because his DAD is a state trooper
poor kid doesn't stand a chance
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-27 09:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I just became a fan of instant boobs, just use pencil
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-27 09:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"3 children by 4 different men."
This made me laugh my ass off.
I watched a special about Cleavage last night. They talked about the doll and how it pissed alot of people off.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-27 09:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always used to take my brother's GI Joes apart, and put one guys head on another's body. All that held them together was a screw and a rubber band. That drove him crazy.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-27 09:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more Barbie vagina...
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2005-12-27 07:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-26 21:25:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
forensicgirl3...i think you're talking about 'Skipper'...she came on the market right after 'Twiggie'
i also think i am quite certain, that you don't want to know, why...i know that
*******
hahaha!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-27 06:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really just looked at the pictures... too damn early..
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-27 04:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I had a good reason to not reveal the reasons for my familiarity with the Barbie Doll line, but now I feel the need to defend myself.
It came from a particularly unpleasant intervention and subsequent arrest in a park that was located on my beat.
The individual had a body of a 30yr old, but the mind of an 8yr old. His attire consisted of 2 plastic "6" guns, strapped to his chaps, a 'rocker-arm' back cowboy shirt and a large cowboy hat. (All circa 1950's)
Within the first 6 months he had been totally marginalized by the all the boys, young and old.
After being spit on, beat up and later, having his toy guns taken away for fear of being shot by the new breed of ass-holes coming into the neighborhood, he naturally turned to looking at only girls for friendship.
I drove him back home in my cruiser several times, but the only other social interaction he had was with his 85yr old, infirm, Grandmother.
The social service and mental health options were almost non-existent at the time.
On one of those trips I was able to gain entrance and noticed a collection of new Barbie Dolls in his room.
I didn't think anything of it since the poor guy was harmless. The problem was, other 'natural' dynamics were taking place...and I fucking missed them.
A few weeks later he was arrested, on a different shift, for showing that same doll to a group of 3 very young girls.
It was and is a sad story, so I'm sorry if I bummed you out.
Although in another time or in a different city, he could have landed on one of your tables.
You can't do it all, you just do the best you can.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-12-27 04:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait ... you sayin that lil boy was watching his sister stuff her training bra ? Am i the only who sees something wrong here ? Funny story thought
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-27 03:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Times have changed.
And rightly so.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-27 03:35:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd rather see you piss yourself.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-12-27 03:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was very much expecting this story to end with something along the lines of...
"Last I saw her that day, she was swinging her arms around in circles, hoping that all those exercises would pay off, and she'd one day have a chest big enough to make Pamela Anderson's implants deflate with embarassment."
Damn, if only that worked...
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-12-27 02:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes ma'am
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-27 02:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-12-27 02:31:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-26 21:25:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
forensicgirl3...i think you're talking about 'Skipper'...she came on the market right after 'Twiggie'
i also think i am quite certain, that you don't want to know, why...i know that
==================================================================
Yeah... that kinda creeped me out...
Creepy old guys... fuck it, not getting into that again...
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OMG! AHAHAHAHAHAHA "Creepy old guys......" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
stop stop! I'm gonna piss myself!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-27 02:38:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And auto 'bitch gets hers' +2.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-27 02:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My God, this is SO NSFW!
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Auto +2 doll titties.
I'd have totally gone for GI Joes with auto-puberty action.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-12-27 02:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-26 21:25:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
forensicgirl3...i think you're talking about 'Skipper'...she came on the market right after 'Twiggie'
i also think i am quite certain, that you don't want to know, why...i know that
==================================================================
Yeah... that kinda creeped me out...
Creepy old guys... fuck it, not getting into that again...