Fuck Old Ladies. Or The Mousse That Stole 'Christmas' (3337 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sicknote (View user info) at 2005-12-27 19:22:09 EST
I wasn't feeling too great this nondenominational holiday season, and spent most of it in bed, much to the disgust of my various uncles, who quite frankly don't care if my liver needs a break now and then. My lager drinking gives them a run for their money, and we usually spend the week surrounding the 25th in various local pubs, making Northerner/Southerner cracks (which have taken a hilarious twist since I moved from London to Manchester recently and am now further North than them).
Good times.
Usually I am more than up for this - as many young female drinkers are aware, older, lecherous men have bottomless pockets when it comes to buying rounds - and the bonus when it's family is there's no awkward climbing out of the toilet window when they start to 'lean in'. Unfortunately, after attempting a bit of a drink up on the day I arrived, I found I could barely stomach my first pint of Stella. Alarm bells ringing, I dragged them all to the nearest Wetherspoons and there had my worst suspicions confirmed. I couldn't finish my Stoli.
Wetherspoons pubs may not have a lot going for them, but the back bar is unrivalled, and if you wish to avoid drinking gasoline and tonic, they're the place to head.
To save me getting over excited again (as I have a habit of doing) here's my Vodka for Dummies (abridged):
Smirnoff, Vladivar, any unbranded 'house' vodka - No
Stolichnya, Grey Goose, Zubrovka - Yes. Oh yeah, Jesus, OH GOD YES, YES, YES...
Ahem.
I retired in shame to my guest bedroom for several days, emerging only to threaten my family with uncontrollable vomiting and scavenge for Sugar Puffs - officially sick. I blame the chocolate mousse I hoovered up the morning I left for my Aunt's - the expiry was only November, I mean, they put those things on as a guide, right?
Regrettably, in a house with a 5 year old boy on 'Christmas' day, hiding in your bed fort past 7 am lasts, ooh, precisely 10 seconds. After 2 whole minutes of 'Darth Vader' wailing at me to look at his Action Man bike and wobbling his bottom lip at me, I succumbed and traipsed downstairs in order to say 'ooh', 'aah' and 'oh no Darth Vader, don't stab me with your light saber!' at appropriate moments.
After several attempts at returning to my pit were thwarted by older relations, I was given the bloody thankless task of entertaining my non-blood cousin relation thingies, including a 16 year old Craig - long hair and a love for SOAD, immediately it was clear that Craig had a bit of a 'thing' for me (older woman, various piercings and a healthy respect for metal, apparently that's attractive). Clear to his father, uncles, scally brothers and pretty much the entire Western world, except possibly Craig himself. That kid is going to have some serious issues when he's older - I have never seen so much repressed anger/humiliation in one so young. You know those kids that end up flipping out and shooting a whole bunch of people? Well, obviously they're all American, but I can see Craig doing the British equivalent - shooting stray cats with air rifles.
Anyway, the whole fucking point to the Christmas rant is today as I held my ticket from Sheffield to Manchester Oxford Road clutched in my sweaty claw, waiting for the train, I felt shitty. No, it was not the couple of cans of 1664 I consumed the day before in an attempt to drown my sorrows, but the tail end of fucking food poisoning, I swear to God.
The train was absolutely packed out and it took at least 5 minutes to get through the door, all the time chanting my mantra 'you've got a seat, you've got a seat'. You see, in a moment of clarity, I had decided that 2 days after 'Christmas', it might be a little rammo and reserving a seat might be advisable. Squeezing through the throng, whilst muttering vague threats to anyone sitting in my seat (MY seat), I locate seat 3b.
It is occupied by young mother plus small sleeping child. I look wearily at the mother and try to size up whether I'd get my arse kicked for evicting her from my seat. It is then explained to me that she reserved seat 3a, however that was occupied, so she took mine.
I turn to the illegal occupant of seat 3a.
I cannot explain how old this woman was. She was desiccated. She looked like a human raisin - at least 80 and staring at me with a smug, shit eating grin on her damn old lady face that said 'I'm in your seat. And you can't do a cunting thing about it.' And I knew I was screwed. A couple of big latin looking guys were looking over and if I did not want to get my teeth handed to me, I was going to stand all the way and damn well like it.
Of course by now I'm squashed next to the hag, and so for the 58 minute journey she proceeds to tell the exhausted mother how the train's too full, young people have no respect and she how she never gets offered a seat on the bus/train/doctors' surgery/wherever else fucking old ladies go to piss people off. So I stand, blood draining from my face, barely enough strength to hold onto the pole, getting elbowed in the hip by some overweight mother of 12 every time I brush her arm.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I making your SEATED journey too DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE with my EXISTANCE?!
Happy Freakin' Holidays.
User Reviews
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2005-12-30 00:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by prozacaddict (user info) at 2005-12-29 23:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Smirnoff, Vladivar, any unbranded 'house' vodka - No
Stolichnya, Grey Goose, Zubrovka - Yes. Oh yeah, Jesus, OH GOD YES, YES, YES...
------------------
+2 for good taste.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2005-12-29 23:42:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckingraisinwoman.jpg Oh god, that made my night.
Submitted by Sicknote (user info) at 2005-12-28 18:55:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, sorry the picture is huge, I was knackered when I submitted this.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:02:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
That is one hellishly big picture but this wasn't too bad.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is one hellishly big picture but this wasn't too bad.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-28 01:51:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"And you can't do a cunting thing about it."
HA!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-27 21:03:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.