Abraham Lincoln needs to experience American theatre like he needs to get shot in the head (1789 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.44 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bluto (View user info) at 2005-12-28 04:57:34 EST
I bought a pair of gloves at a gas station the other day for $2. I'd like to thank the young children of Southeast Asia for working so diligently for so little money so that it doesn't cost a guy like me an arm and a leg to smoke outside during the winter without my fingers freezing.
For Christmas, my stepmother got me a DVD packed with clips of Gallagher's greatest comedy. The DVD was blank. I'm joking. In all seriousness, though, I would like to thank her for purchasing that gift, for I lost all of the coasters in my basement, and I can never fucking remember to buy new ones. Now that's one less thing I have to worry about.
I think it would be very difficult to be an Advanced Algebra teacher in a community with a large Jewish population. I'm not trying to be anti-Semitic, but I'd have a hard time teaching young Jewish children how to work on a difficult math problem for long periods of time, knowing that they'd always come up with something known as the final solution.
I hate to stick with the same subject, but is the EZ-Bake Oven a big seller in the Jewish community? I can't imagine that a product that simplifies the process of oven-cooking would go over too well with Jewish folks.
I am starting to believe that energy drinks contain no caffeine. Instead, they keep you awake by providing you with a never-ending urge to piss. Instead of using energy supplements to keep you awake, they instead keep you awake by compressing your bladder. It makes sense. It's cheaper that way. If I were mass-producing energy drinks, I'd rather use urine-inducing substances than energy creating substances. Think about it, water is free from any faucet. Cocaine costs $40 a gram. Which would you rather spend?
I put a dollar in to the Pepsi machine at work, and 18 bottles of water came out. Later that day, one of my co-workers received 10 Mountain Dews for the price of 1. When the guy comes to refill the machine, instead of telling him that it isn't working properly, I'm just going to ask him to remove the "Machine will not dispense free product" sticker that resides under the "Don't tip Machine" warning.
I was watching a special on the History channel entitled "Digging up the Truth." Some guy followed a whole bunch of clues trying to see if he could find the modern day location of the Ark of the Covenant. He traveled extensively for weeks, and at the culmination of his journey, he found that the Ark was being kept inside a temple which was not available to the public. The policy was that members of the public weren't "holy enough" to be in the Ark's presence. I'd have been pissed. The host interviewed one of the people who guards the temple and asked him why nobody was allowed inside. The guard responded, "You don't need to see the Ark to know that it's real. As long as you believe in it, that's all that matters." Meanwhile, I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "This is the same shit they fed me about Santa Claus."
Speaking of the fat man, Santa ignored my Christmas wish again this year. I awoke Christmas afternoon to find that Saturday Night Live had not yet been canceled. I even tried to tell him/his workers firsthand this year, but apparently, mall Santas aren't very receptive when someone my age (18) stands in line to sit on their lap.
If this post seems pointless to you, I apologize, but here's a fact that should cheer you up a bit: While you were reading this, approximately 6 Americans were hit by trains.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-04 02:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto -2
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-12-28 18:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally agree. Same thing happened here http://www.ubersite.com/m/81643
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Who gets hit by trains? look down, see tracks, move.
Otherwise you just deserved it.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-28 05:11:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking weak.
Its like you are spooner, but less funny.
if that was possible.
Submitted by psychabillyjean (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for trying out your new stand up material
-1 for headlining in the Catskills
p.s. nice shtick
Submitted by ChicoV (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1, but Orgasmatron was funnier in one half-sentence.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-28 09:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's a good solid ZERO right there
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 09:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for this:
For Christmas, my stepmother got me a DVD packed with clips of Gallagher's greatest comedy. The DVD was blank.
-1 for this:
I'm joking.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-28 08:32:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There's a couple good ones in there.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-12-28 07:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
umm... ok man, cool.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-28 05:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking weak.
Its like you are spooner, but less funny.
if that was possible.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-28 04:59:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now that I think about it, the last sentence is wrong.
2 Americans were hit by trains in the time it took to read this post.
Approximately 6 people committed suicide during that period of time.