Is There Anything Worse Than Getting An Enema? (3728 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.92 on 87 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2005-12-28 10:08:13 EST
Actually, there is.
It's giving someone an enema.
Before I begin to spin this tale, there is something I need to explain. I am "that" person. When my brother put his head through the glass in my mother's curio, I was the person who was charged with holding the gauze over his gaping, bloody wound. Whenever I'm walking through a store, at least five people approach me and ask if I work there. People need someone who'll listen, and inevitably, I'm the one they end up calling.
These events may seem inconsequential, but to me, they speak volumes about how people perceive me. Cool, calm, compassionate, helpful, etc.... When I was younger, I even wanted to be a psychologist because I had so many people crying to me that I figured I might as well get paid to listen to them whine.
Then I decided that it wasn't worth the money.
Obviously, my friend (and I use that term loosely) believed that these qualities make me the perfect candidate to give him an enema. To this I say, "Fuck medical testing!"
The phone call went something like this:
Evil Bastard: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?
Pentameter: Well, I have some errands to run and I was planning on doing a little shopping. Why, what's up?
Evil Bastard: Do you think you could come over for a little while?
Pentameter: Sure...is something going on?
Evil Bastard: Well, sort of. I need you to give me an enema.
*click*
I thought to myself, "Hahaha! He's pretty fucking funny."
And then the phone rang again.
Pentameter: You're hilarious. Nice joke.
Evil Bastard: I wasn't joking.
Pentameter: See, that's really funny. Now you're trying to run with it.
Evil Bastard: No, I'm not joking.
Pentameter: Well, what's in it for me?
Evil Bastard: Um, well, you get to see my ass...and...um...you get to anally violate me.
Pentameter: Honestly, that isn't high on my list of priorities.
Evil Bastard: Just come over, all right? I really need your help!
Pentameter: Fine.
*click*
"Asshole," I muttered under my breath.
On the drive to his house, I tried to figure out exactly what was going on. I knew that it had to be a joke. It wasn't my birthday, nor anyone's birthday in my circle of friends, it wasn't a holiday, and there was really nothing special going on that would warrant a surprise.
By the time I got out of the car, my muscles were so tense that someone could have thrown a bowling ball at me and it would have shattered into dust. I rigidly walked to his front door and pressed the doorbell with much trepidation.
The door swung open, and there he stood with a Fleet enema in his hand. "Hi," he said.
"Please tell me this is a joke."
"No, seriously, there's something wrong with my gut and my doctor is sending me for a colonoscopy."
"How charming," I stated as I took my coat off.
The next few minutes were filled with awkward small talk. Really, what can two people talk about before one of them sticks something up the other person's ass? I milled around his kitchen putting things away as he sat there sheepishly at the counter.
"Uh, um, uh, huh huh, are you ready?" he asked.
"As ready as I'll ever be," I said.
On the way to the bathroom, he turned to me and said, "You're the only person I could ask, so thanks."
"No problem."
"Now, I read the directions, and it said that I should either lie on my side or kneel down and hunch over," he said.
"Well, let me just say that I don't want to see your balls, so I guess you should lie down."
"Right on," he said as he laid down on the ground and shimmied his pants down to just below his ass.
He had the hairiest ass I had ever seen. Honestly, one would need a scythe in order to chop down the brush that had completely overtaken the cheeks of his behind.
"Are you all right?" he asked.
"Yeah man, I mean, yeah, it's cool," I said.
I took the bottle from the box and stood there holding it in my hand for what seemed like an eternity. I knew he could sense my nervousness, probably because he had been laying there for a full ten minutes and I had not done anything yet.
"Do you need help?" he asked.
"Well, I think, uh, you're going to have to, you know, spread...your...cheeks...a...little?"
"Ok," he said as he slowly reached his hands back.
It was the worst thing I had ever seen. Over and over in my head, I kept repeating, "Now or never, now or never."
"Ok, bud. Don't bear down," I said.
With my head turned to the side, I kept peeking over as I gingerly slid the enema inside of him. Slowly, I squeezed the bottle until it was empty.
On the directions, they should have stated that when you remove the bottle, you will be assaulted with one of the worst smells known to man. It was an embarrassing situation, so I tried to stop myself from gagging until I left the bathroom.
From inside, I heard him shout, "Can you hang around until I come out?"
"No problem, man," I said.
I sat on his couch from about 45 minutes when he finally emerged from the bathroom. He sat down next to me and said, "That was strangely refreshing. You should try it!"
"I think I'll pass," I said.
"Hey, thanks a lot. You know I couldn't have asked anyone but you."
"Unfortunately, I'm well aware of this," I said.
For the rest of the afternoon, he basically was in and out of the bathroom every fifteen minutes. If you'd like to know what he experienced, do a search on our dear friend Tubgirl. The next day he went for testing, and fortunately, everything turned out to be fine.
Years later, he has been one of my most loyal and faithful friends, and rightfully so. Besides, I have a nice bit of blackmail on him.
Enema, anyone?
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-03-05 20:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh
My
Gawd
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-10 08:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pentameter is so hawt. Although saying that, I do get the impression that being with Pentameter would be a bit like being with your mum which would be creepy.
It's ok though because she's got that donkey fellow to keep her warm at night and so isn't going to end up like my tragic auntie who had to nurse both her parents till they died and now just lives alone in the house she was born in.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-02-09 20:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GAy?
not cool to out a closet homo.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-02-02 15:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love everything that is you with every fiber of my being!
"Really, what can two people talk about before one of them sticks something up the other person's ass?"
In the movies, there's not really any talk about it. The guy just spits in the girl's poo shoot.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why didn't he do it himself?
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-01-04 02:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...so vile...
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ewwww. That's incredibly disgusting.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-30 13:55:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
colowned
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2005-12-30 12:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for having the balls to tell this story
Submitted by Technoboy (user info) at 2005-12-30 08:37:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eww. Poop.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-12-30 04:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HAHA
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-30 02:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-12-30 02:15:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:14:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
you got to do a guy in the butt. *gag*
-------------
wow.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-30 01:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHos up for vegas then? http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2005-12-30 01:14:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Getting an enema isn't bad, and can be quite refreshing. Especially when you have two fully functioning arms and cute, gullible, overly-helpful friends.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-29 19:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vegas details, oh yeah: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-12-29 18:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
You can't make stories like this up, they just happen. You are a damn good friend.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-29 18:40:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:20:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
This whole enema thing is just the gateway to bigger and better possibilities for you.
----
you should charge, I'd pay 50 dollars American for you to do me like that
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-29 16:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your writing
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-29 16:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh God... horrible.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-29 12:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Linkwhoring, sorry sweetie.
Who's going to UberVegas?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81666
You should come, too.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-29 06:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
getting aids from a stripper is worse than giving an enema.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-29 06:36:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I NEED one of those self urination enema contraptions.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-29 06:12:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:46:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pentameter- what do you think it is, silly? It's a brilliant design concept that allows one to give one's self an enema with one's own urine, without all the mess that such an endeavor usually entails.
----------------------
For some reason, I imagine the type of person who would buy this saying, "Jesus Christ! I need an enema ALL THE TIME and my habit is getting expensive. Maybe I should buy a contraption that would allow me to pee in my own ass, allowing me to have an enema every time I urinate!"
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-29 03:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-29 01:51:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
drunk +2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pentameter- what do you think it is, silly? It's a brilliant design concept that allows one to give one's self an enema with one's own urine, without all the mess that such an endeavor usually entails.
Submitted by kimberly (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are one brave mother, mother.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
colonic
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-12-28 22:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
KITANAI YO !!!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-12-28 21:04:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I told you that I greatly enjoyed enemas would you think
any differently of me?
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-12-28 18:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally agree. Same thing happened here http://www.ubersite.com/m/81643
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-28 15:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gah!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WoW
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:41:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey sweetie, I need to ask you a favor. I need help with this tampon? Can you give me
a hand?
==================================================================================
Still less gross then the enigma...unless there is something we don't know about Tiger.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:35:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes. There are worse things than getting and giving an enema.
To quote the Joker:
"This town needs an enema!" <toot>
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:24:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:05:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:58:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:55:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a true friend as i would never do this for a friend.
-------------------
Being loyal is both the best and worst thing about me...believe me.
--------------------
Hey sweetie, I need to ask you a favor. I need help with this tampon? Can you give me
a hand?
-----------------------
Sadly, that reminds me of a story...and no, it wasn't kinky you sick fucking freaks.
LP - What the hell IS that thing? Weird as hell, but for some reason it cracked me up.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Watching somebody use one of these might be worse.
Not entirely NSFW, but definitely weird enough for you to get some *very* strange looks.
http://www.erosboutique.org/store/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=erosbout&Product_Code=MDE-105E&Category_Code=water_sports
To quote Circe,
[23:42:46] circe: HE'S PISSING IN HIS OWN ASS
[23:42:51] circe: AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH
[23:42:54] circe: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:05:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:58:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:55:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a true friend as i would never do this for a friend.
-------------------
Being loyal is both the best and worst thing about me...believe me.
--------------------
Hey sweetie, I need to ask you a favor. I need help with this tampon? Can you give me
a hand?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:01:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was fully prepared to say "reading this post." But it turned out to be a non-shit-post (ironic considering the circumstances).
You know you could've just said no, right? I would NEVER give an enema, even if she was hot, because that would ruin the hotness of it.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:55:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a true friend as i would never do this for a friend.
-------------------
Being loyal is both the best and worst thing about me...believe me.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:55:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a true friend as i would never do this for a friend.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got next
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to poop.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The door swung open, and there he stood with a Fleet enema in his hand. "Hi," he said."
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Depends on whether or not you like having shit stuck up your ass. Buddy of mine once said that it should be a law that every child should have "For Exit Only" tattooed on their ass at birth.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy mother of fuck!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-28 12:53:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:40:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
you complete me.
===================
You had me at tubgirl.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-28 12:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, sweet mother of christ. I love my friends - and I guess there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them, but man am I glad that has never been tested like this.
Your rock pen, and I'm sooooo sorry that had to happen to you.
Btw, I have this pain in my gut and I don't know who else to ask....
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-28 12:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-12-28 12:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<Shakes head>
I...I...I can't think of a single thing to say at this point.
So this is what bewildered/befuddled feels like?
Hmm.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-28 12:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, whose alter is Jerseygirl?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Waking up to find your wife squatting right over your head, face to face with her winking starfish, and hearing her exclaim "Oh, man, I'm about to rip -- this enema sure did the trick!"
Submitted by JerseyGirl77 (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why yes. Yes there is. http://stuff.ubersite.com/1127841061169513041/1/yuck.JPG
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:43:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anal-yse this.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me hungry.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH..
Dear..
God..
Hiya Pent! Long time to read!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some damned fine descripticating here.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Semi-anal-intrusion
Submitted by Norman (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have played the brown note on your recorder.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I might also like to add that nurses give young patients these right before surgery.
But I would know nothing about that. ;)
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Having to give yourself an enema but accidentally dropping it down a toilet so you have to drink about thirty litres of water in 12 hours.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably is, but I don't care to think about it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Drinking the enema sauce and spitting it into the butthole?
Drinking the forced-out, processed, enema juice?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:05:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a cute little Enima man. What?
Sister you rock. This was great.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-12-28 11:01:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting 2 Enemas?
Submitted by thechairnamedgod (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"the death that existed inside of me"
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain. I used to work on the Geriatric ward in a mental hospital. And yes, they are crazy and constipated...what a great combo.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was pre-med for a time and got to see a colitis patient get an enema. Poor bastard. He screamed like his head was on fire. Coincidentally, I think it was the reason I stopped being pre-med.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:49:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for anal douche.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:47:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw your title and immediately thought the second line of your post.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great filename
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you complete me.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Orgasmatron...that is by far the WORST thing I have ever seen.
Teeph...I asked him why he couldn't do it himself and he said that he knew he wouldn't be able to squeeze the bottle for very long without stopping. He needed someone else to do it for him. I think he wasted two bottles or something like that.
Submitted by psychabillyjean (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:34:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I had a short stint in the medical profession in my younger years. Let me just tell you that senile dementia leads to a fecal obsession and I have had it smeared on my face by a 100 year woman in diapers. I also had to remove the condom catheder from an 90 year olds wrinkled shlong- which took about 30 minutes because removing the tape was so painful for him. His sac was the size of a large grapefruit. Have a nice day!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, um, I'm not exactly an expert in the area or anything, buuuuuut, I'm pretty sure that MOST people are supposed to be able to do that for themselves.
I think maybe your friend was getting something else out of the experience.
Oh, wait, I'm sorry . . . was he a thalidomide baby born with flippers instead of arms? Or, alternatively was he born with normal arms only to have them later ripped off in an industrial accident?
If either of those things are true, then there probably IS a reasonable and non-creepy explanation for why a guy would need his hot female friend to give him an enema.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If this sort of thing comes up again, tell whatever friend is insisting you help them out to go the other route and cleanse themselves via teas and supplements. Saves you the trouble of getting a load of man ass in your face.
May I suggest Dr. Natura?
I heard about this on DC101 the other week.
Take a look at what this stuff can do to someone.
Don't look at this if you've eaten or plan on eating.
http://www.drnatura.com/picture_gallery.html
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLEASE post more often!
YOU ROCK!!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My brother once bought a girl that he wanted to dump a fleet kit for Christmas.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know people that did that for wrestling, but they never asked girls to do it for them.
ewww
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, If you ever get bored with your fella, I could easily fall in love with you (again).
-Dave
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This whole enema thing is just the gateway to bigger and better possibilities for you.
You should send your resume to FistingNurses.com
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:20:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My sister in laws boyfriend stated to a family gathering his love of receiving enemas. Over dinner. That made the whole Thanksgiving thing that much better that year...
Maybe you would have been more comfortable if you had put on some Sinatra, lit a few candles and had a glass of red wine first...
You need to post more often.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear god.
there's just...no...way.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is so fuckiing hot
how could you possibly NOT enjoy that?
weirdo
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you got to do a guy in the butt. *gag*
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-12-28 10:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment