The Uberbury Tales: Prologue, Part 2 (1044 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: uberbury_tales
Rating: 1.88 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2005-12-28 16:47:55 EST
I'm following the text exactly here, line-wise, so some of these are short and some are long. Blame Chaucer, not me.
First part of the Prologue included for reference's sake. From here on, I'll just continue from where I leave off.
When December with her snowfall, white
The death November brings has hid from sight
And bathed each branch and bough with powd'ry kiss
That so inspires fire's roar and hiss;
When Zephyr also has, with his cool breeze,
Slowed again the grass, the flowers, the trees,
The very earth itself, and shiv'ring sun
May shine not rays onto the fox's run,
And bird and bear between no longer bound,
Convincing eyes to close and mouths not sound
(For Nature coos them all to sleep, sedate) -
Then do people yearn to celebrate,
And carolers appear, singing strange songs
To everyone in earshot all day long.
And then from every corner of the earth
Presents, bought, exchanged to mark Christ's birth,
The folks appear with sweaters, green and red,
Trimméd caps, white-puffed, atop their heads.
Befell then, in that season, on a day
In Logan airport, I, my flight delayed,
Waiting to hop a jet to distant Maine
And family, my head bumping with pain,
There came a congregation to my gate
Some nine and twenty - flightless now and late -
Sundry persons both Chance and snow delayed,
In fellowship, the trav'lers way was made
And so, the seats around me, bare, they took,
Body filling chair and bag tucked in nook,
Settled, then, they eased and found some rest
As slowly fell the sun into the west,
I spoke to each one, slowly making rounds,
Evening fell and we were all new friends found,
A pact we made, that we would guard the gate
To share together Logan's twist of fate.
Of this I shall tell you, for I have time
But 'fore we get to that allow me shine
Some light upon these travelers, met well,
Their dress, their souls, their characters, I'll tell
Of all of these, as they appeared to me,
Of who they were, and who they claimed to be,
And even how arranged they were in rows,
Please let me start and bring this prologue close.
THE TECH (the knight)
A tech there was, and he a worthy man,
Who, from the day conceived, had formed a plan
To program all his days, loved religious
Architecture - narthex, nave - prestigious
Places traveled he, eyes agape to sip
The cup of stone and wooden craftsmanship.
In time apart from servers, mice and men
He took to building icons in his den,
His pure, Christian heart, it beat all the more
When altars he constructed on the floor,
Knelt double, penitent, as sinners do,
Fingers deftly working blade, nail and screw,
A method with altars, he, blessed so from
Childhood - hands so deigned to honor the sum
Of earthly bliss, marry Eden and cross,
And so, his talent used to please the Boss.
Of benefit and break was he worthy
Toil befitting earnéd salary,
Built he the firewall of Macintosh,
So driving back the heathens with panache,
Microsoft raided he, Unix undone,
Many battles long fought, and many won
With grace and dignity, for none controlled
The kingdom keys as he, sitting, dim, cold,
Alone with tower, book and work of net,
At his altar professional, reclined.
Though so famed and capable, he was soft
In voice and bearing, meek as mice aloft
A rail of cotton, ego kept in check.
He was a truly perfect, gentle tech.
But now to tell you all of these, his threads,
He wore no cap upon his mammoth head,
An easy way about him hung his clothes,
A jacket, jeans and shirt, all 'neath his nose,
For he was seeking comfort on his flight
And now was glad he dressed that way tonight.
THE INTERN (the squire)
Beside him sat a man, a mere intern,
A lusty man who for employment yearned,
His dress, matched, set, as if arranged, designed,
Slim-fit pants stretched tight across his behind.
Young in years and young in ways of world he
Appeared, stature strong and tall, chin so free
Of whisker, 'stache and stubble. Active so
In shark-deep waves from here to Tokyo
He'd officed for some time, nibbled the corn
Of Fortune, pricked by the corporate thorn
And bleeding so until a line extends
To save him, bring this 'terning to an end.
Played he tunes, sang he songs all the day through
Seeking to meet a woman, and to woo,
Word and guitar could he structure, make ring,
Dance and cook, as well, do most anything
He put his youthful mind to, as day, night
Both ran cross the skies and heavenly heights.
"Captian" called he family, guest, friend alike,
He slept five hours a night to keep him right,
Potential had he, capable, direct,
His starched shirt kept his posture quite erect.
THE LOGGER (the yeoman)
A logger, there, so rough and denim-clad
A heavy shirt of flannel on him had,
The cross of reds and greens across his chest
Made him appear as palmer robed and blessed.
A hat upon his head held hard his hair
A messy swath of brown, I do declare,
Mesh-backed, faced with Molson logo leaf,
Easy-going, he kicked back with relief
With a book in hand, a reader sat he there,
He flipped the leaves of something by Flaubert.
Blue-toe boot peeked from under weathered jean,
And buckle made of gold shot well its sheen
In the eyes of the party, an award
Given for skilled use of saw, axe and board.
The half-grown beard belied his face's cut,
Book and beer both rested on his gut.
Hearty in both frame and form, I confess.
THE PRIORESS
There was also a nun, a prioress,
Her habit left at home, so dressed in slacks,
A silver cross upon her shirt of black,
Legs crossed, showing no signs of underwear,
"Darnit!" was the most she deigned to swear,
Known well to all as Sister Bernardine,
The Mistress of the Fist of Galilee,
That mighty relic, safe in her convent,
Centuries protected there it has spent.
Speaking French and German was not a chore,
Well read, bred and versed she was not a bore,
Manners she possessed, refined at table,
Knew she so her etiquette, hands stable
Enough to balance saucer, cup and spoon
Upon her fingers each about the room
While walking, silent steps on hardwood floor,
A convent simply could not ask for more
Of a sister - she, quick with joke and quip
Could loose a string of humor from her lips
Which only served to better her degree
And proved her normal, just like you and me.
In courtesy she had delight and grace
And when she smiled the joy leapt from her face
Past lips of darkest red, and teeth bone white
From eyes of longest lash, off skin tan, tight,
Through flaxen braids held back with clips of gold.
While many souls to mortal lives were sold
Her pure heart beat for God and God alone,
Her polished nails drummed her mobile phone,
Rapping out proud the tune "Amazing Grace"
Softly, to keep her every hair in place.
Upon a day some years ago in York
She'd seen a man run through with a pitchfork,
She tended to him, rode him through the pain,
Healed his wounds and made him whole again,
So does her goodness shine to those in need
For she, a friend in thought and word and deed,
To any man who finds himself hard up,
The milk of human kindness shall they sup.
Upon her wrist a bracelet, past her hand
"Apage Satanas" carried the band*
And thereupon her ankle, ink on skin:
"Apudne te vel me" in cursive thin.**
There she rested so, sweet and tender, pure,
Roving eyes beset in her face, demure.
THE NUN
An onion-eating nun with her had she,
THE THREE PRIESTS
Three cassock'd priests excused themselves to pee.
Next: the Monk, the Friar, the Merchant and whoever else I can get to...
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-07-21 00:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Chaucer's guilt only goes so far.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-08 17:11:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2s all around for someone getting pissed at me enough for not one but two uberboard messages!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-08 16:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid 15 posts of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-06-20 04:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Geoffrey Chaucer was an ass and so are you!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-24 09:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was wondering how long it would take someone to come around and bump this from the Best Ever list.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2006-01-22 03:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-07 23:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Too true, but you're not exactly a squire either.
I needed something appropriate to match the general character type.
You'll find that most of these don't resemble people at all.
That would have taken a wicked amount of research.
And I'd probably have demanded compensation of either the monetary or oral form.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and I'm a far cry from an intern...but ah well. This was bloody marvellous.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:17:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THE INTERN (the squire)
Beside him sat a man, a mere intern,
A lusty man who for employment yearned,
His dress, matched, set, as if arranged, designed,
Slim-fit pants stretched tight across his behind.
Young in years and young in ways of world he
Appeared, stature strong and tall, chin so free
Of whisker, 'stache and stubble. Active so
In shark-deep waves from here to Tokyo
He'd officed for some time, nibbled the corn
Of Fortune, pricked by the corporate thorn
And bleeding so until a line extends
To save him, bring this 'terning to an end.
Played he tunes, sang he songs all the day through
Seeking to meet a woman, and to woo,
Word and guitar could he structure, make ring,
Dance and cook, as well, do most anything
He put his youthful mind to, as day, night
Both ran cross the skies and heavenly heights.
"Captian" called he family, guest, friend alike,
He slept five hours a night to keep him right,
Potential had he, capable, direct,
His starched shirt kept his posture quite erect.
-------------------------------------------------
*applauds*
Although, I should inform you, I've been growing a full beard and 'stache since Thanksgiving, so it's not entirely accurate as of right now.
And my posture isn't the only thing quite erect.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2006-01-03 21:58:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're an absolute marvel.
More anon.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-30 11:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stop pissing in our cheerios.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-12-30 11:07:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a large undertaking. I commend you for doing it.
But I have to say it....
"I like the originals better."
"This is blasphemy."
"You've pussified it."
"I don't understand why you didn't just make these into originals."
What? Who's bitter?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-30 09:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you still didn't tell me whose ass i'm grabbing, i'd like to find out so i know what to expect. i mean i don't want to reach over there and have my fist slip into a black hole of goatse death.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-12-30 02:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah... this is awesome.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-12-29 16:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry I had to leave to take a piss... there's just something about Logan that does that to ya.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 16:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh son of a...
I've been +2ing posts all day, but I didn't mean to do it to my own.
Breach. of. Etiquette.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 16:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The nun's onion-dealer, obviously.
Good question, though. The Squire, maybe?
I'll see if I can find out.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:54:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd like to know whose ass i'm potentially grabbing.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 12:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Much to the gentleman's dismay, no doubt.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-29 12:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that nun thar looks like she's makin for the buttsecks.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:56:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Could be. Looks to be a decent translation -- it reads well, anyway.
If you're jonesing for a particular story or selection and want a quick fix, this is a pretty handy site: http://www.librarius.com/cantales.htm It's got the middle english and modern english side-by-side, so you can find out what things like "oure aller cok" mean.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:46:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it was this one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0872207544/qid=1135871110/sr=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/002-2015188-2364016?s=books&v=glance&n=283155
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Next thing you know people will be writing posts about how they take their toast and tea.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ya know manic when you wrote culture to uber the first thing i thought was "hmmm, bacteria culture?"
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing, bringing culture to Uber. I will watch this and the coming posts with great interest.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:08:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
onions make people stinky... and he had a mullet in most of those so he quite possibly stunk too. mullety people smell funny.
---
She's a nun. Nuns don't stink.
They smell like cinnamon and baby powder, and their bowel movements smell of incense and altar wine.
And DO NOT insult the power of the mullet. While I do not have one, I am certain that my guardian angel does.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 00:17:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
IDT - what in the text suggests she's stinky? She just eats onions. Plenty of people do that. See also: Gibson, Mel - in the Lethal Weapon movies.
------------------------
onions make people stinky... and he had a mullet in most of those so he quite possibly stunk too. mullety people smell funny.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 09:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No idea about the edition in question, lokes.
Do you have any idea when you heard about it? Last year, the year before, before 2000?
We can always pin down a timeframe and see what's come out since then.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-29 09:16:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap I can't believe you're going to pull this off
excellent frame device
Ah you didn't think I knew what a frame device was did you, well I do
so there
As an aside and not entirely off the subject but not entirely on it either, some time back I heard a story on NPR about a new version/translation/edition/thing that was coming out of the Canterbury Tales. It was supposed to be just magnificent for reasons that escape me. Does anyone happen to have a clue what I'm talking about? I've been in a couple of bookstores looking for the tome in question, but never could figure out which one was supposed to be just all that so I wandered away in confusion to the science fiction section where things make more sense.
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-29 08:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've got MAD skillz, son! VERY well done.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-29 07:05:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm very impressed that you are doing this.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-29 06:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I read the rest of them. My rating doesn't change.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-29 02:49:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-29 01:51:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
drunk +2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 00:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sailor's coming, dear....I'm going in order.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-29 00:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*coughsailorcouch*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 00:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sparkle - the asterisks were supposed to point to translations at the end of the poem.
I forgot to include them, so I provided them in the first review down below.
IDT - what in the text suggests she's stinky? She just eats onions. Plenty of people do that. See also: Gibson, Mel - in the Lethal Weapon movies.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-28 22:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Apage Satanas" carried the band*
"...Apudne te vel me" in cursive thin.**
______________________
You never gave the meaning of the asterisks. My life of haberdashery is in huge disarray!
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-28 21:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be honest, I didn't read everyone's story, but mine (yeoman) was well worth a PF2. (Plus Fucking 2)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-28 20:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Inion, onion, what's the fuckin' difference? Bwahahahahahaaaa.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-28 20:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes meanie, you implied i'm stinky while making fun of my name. that's damn mean, i'll have you know i take pride in smelling girly all day, every day.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-28 20:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesomeness cubed
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-12-28 19:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gasm, if you get a headache, don't take any aspirin.
A head like that's s'posed ta hurt!
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-12-28 18:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally agree. Same thing happened here http://www.ubersite.com/m/81643
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:37:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron, vacation man, a long two week vacation is in your future.
---
Is it? Where am I going?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha
Yes indeed. Mrs Hand did have a way about her. So comforting and always mindful of my needs. The complete opposite of what I've become to my partners since actually.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron, vacation man, a long two week vacation is in your future.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:31:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:26:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:16:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
As I feel about some people from time to time, I am convinced that I am in no way deserving of your efforts, and I can't believe you deem me worthy to share them with.
---
Completely irrelevant, but this is how I felt about fucking for the first couple years of my efforts in that arena.
---
Come now...surely your hand was able to put you at ease and help you feel assured of your talents.
I know mine was.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:16:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
As I feel about some people from time to time, I am convinced that I am in no way deserving of your efforts, and I can't believe you deem me worthy to share them with.
---
Completely irrelevant, but this is how I felt about fucking for the first couple years of my efforts in that arena.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:16:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As I feel about some people from time to time, I am convinced that I am in no way deserving of your efforts, and I can't believe you deem me worthy to share them with.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, Terrapin Station is now stuck in my head because of this.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-28 16:57:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These shall recieve a +2 from me.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 16:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meanie?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-28 16:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
meanie.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-28 16:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, this was excellent. I really don't know how you can do all this. So much talent you have.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 16:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Alone with tower, book and work of net,
At his altar professional, reclined.
Should have been:
Alone with tower, book and network line
At his altar professional, reclined.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-28 16:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Apage Satanas - Begone, Satan
Apudne te vel me - Your place or mine?