The Joy of other peoples Urine (1022 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Misanthropic (View user info) at 2005-12-28 21:22:04 EST
There is nothing like playing with a steamy little cup of someone elses piss at six in the morning. It's an even more pleasurable experience when you have yet to have your necessary two cups of shitful coffee to get your heart started and eyes opened.
Let me explain...
I work on a mine site and metalurgical plant. The site does everything from dig ore out of the ground, process and seperate, run it through a smelter, then into a refinery, producing copper, uranium, silver and gold. This in itself is unique, but you don't care about that.
I'm employed as part of the sites emergency services section, covering everything from medical response, fire rescue, security, and most fun of all, drug and alcohol testing.
I'm not going to debate the pros and cons of certain drugs, and you can't deny that having some pissed knobber driving a 60 ton lump of metal is dangerous. Realising this, the company I work for has taken the initiative to randomly screen employees and contractors coming onto site for drugs and alcohol. It is subject to all, and you may be called up once a year to twice a week, it's totally random. Alledgedly anyway.
The process is quite simple: Complete paperwork, Blow into breathalyser, piss in jar and test it with a screening test. Simple, and if nothing shows up, all is good with the world. If you fail, it's a case of go home, sober up or lay off the herb for a few weeks and come back and we'll test again, if you're lucky enough not to be sacked.
People have to use a swipe card to get onto site, and if their card doesn't let them in, chances are that they have been randomly selected by computer to undertake a piss test. We could do from around two a day up to sixty of the bastards, so if there is a cue, toughen up princess and wait.
Not all urine is the same, and usually most test go along without a problem. Occaisionally you have the dehydrated ones, which usually isn't too bad, then the guys that have been on some form of vitamin tablet, interesting colour, bit stinky, but tolerable. Only once have I recieved a jar and vomited into my mouth. The gentleman that I tested was around 50 or so and a dwarf, and looked as though he'd been sandpaperd with a brick, but you can't discriminate against that. Paperwork out of the way, I get him to blow into the breatho, no dramas there either, so it's off to collect a urine sample. I give him a jar and follow him to the crapper. Pert of the procedure is to stand just in the doorway of the toilet, not gawking at anyones knob, but basically listening for piss on plastic. All done, the little bloke hands me the jar with the lid on, washes his hands, and away we go. Test card at the ready, I undo the lid of the sample jar and move to dunk a pippette in. I stalled at first, trying to work out wether it was me or the man I was testing, but I could've sworn someone had shit themsleves. Looking closer at the urine a bit closer, it was the colour of mid strength tea, and had a stink similar to the first turd in the morning (or afternoon) after a hard night on the turps. The comment from Mr Guinness piss of "It's a bit smelly, isn't it?" was an understatement as I spewed part of breakfast into my mouth and spat it into a nearby sink. Ever the professional, I completed the test, and the bastard still passed.
Another fun time with urine came from a lady (and I use the term losely) who was about 40 going on 60. She had a face that resembled a burnt tyre, and a voice to match. I'm not usually as invasive with the female types, however tempting some of them are, but, as usual, I had the foot in the door as Ms. Troglodyte trundled off to the nearest cubicle. After listening what I thought was Niagra falls splash all over the shop, she finish with an almighty fart that shook the cubicle door. Handing me the jar she announced "Got me period, sorry about the blood".
Most people working here are earning good money, better than most places in the state. Companies that contract to the site usually have a policy that if your caught over the limit or with illegal drugs in your system once, your gone. The company I work for is a little bit more leniant, and they give you a chance to clean up. To ensure that you do, once caught, you're tested more regularly, say twice a week or so. Some people really like their pot, and find it hard to give up, and there are the few who like to drop E on their days off, but also like the money they're earning. It's a bit of a dilemma when you want to do both, but have either been caught once, or don't want to be caught. Part of our testing process is to test for masking agents added to the urine, and we can find most of those. Next easy option is to somehow hide a known clean sample of urine in with you, wether it be your kids or whoever. Rumour has it that in town, you can buy 30ml of clean piss for between AU$50 - $80. The problem now is, it has to come out at a certain temperature, which is tested for too. It's all good to smuggle a jar in your pocket, but heating it up? Can't add hot water, that's why we stand in the doorway, and can test for it anyway. Next best thing to do is to have it close to your body so it's at your core body temperature. This sort of leads up to the gentleman I tried to test this morning.
The start of the test was all good, except that he was sooking that he was in dire need of a shit. That's fine, do it somewhere else when you've finished here. There's nothing worse than some prick stinking up the crapper when you have other people to test. Into the toilet block, and instead of ducking over to the urinal, he went into the cubicle. Fantastic I though, and wait for him. Ten minutes pass he comes out with no sample. This is a tad unusual. I don't know about you guys, but after I snap one off, the need to pee is pretty strong. This guy didn't, and was a little bit edgy. Back out into the waiting room with a glass of water, I test the next person. No drama's there, so it's back to the first guy. Same again, into the cubicle. Another ten minutes or so and he's out, quite upset and looked to be in pain. I asked if he was alright, to which I get an answer I wasn't ready for.
"I've got a problem. It won't come out."
Fearing the worst, and trying not to smile, all I can is "I hope you mean you can't piss."
Oh no, dear reader. It was the sample tube filled with urine that he was told to hide in his rectum so it's be the right temperature. These tubes are about 1/2" in diameter, and about 2" long. A freind of his had supplied him with the urine, and explained how to hide it. I'm not sure wether he's not used to putting things up his bum, but my guess was that his rectum clamped up or something on the vial.
Taking into consideration the delicate situation, and the distress he was in, I figured a trip to the hospital in town might be a good idea. And because I'm a hateful and vindictive bastard, I called a fellow ESO over to help me take him in the ambulance. It was great fun explaining what had happened, and even more fun listening to clenched bum explain what he had done to the nursing staff at the hospital.
Embarrassment, a sore arse, and the possible loss of job. Think I might jsut stick to coffee, least it's legal and in abbundance around here, even if it is cheap ground goat shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-01-20 21:07:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by GuinnessSince1759 (user info) at 2006-02-09 02:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har bott sax.
Submitted by Mrdurden24 (user info) at 2006-01-02 20:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funny stuff
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-02 19:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:07:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
had a face that resembled a burnt tyre
I NEARLY DIED LAUGHING!
----------------
Me too. In fact, that whole paragraph nearly brought about my demise
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-02 19:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I just re-read this. Let me improve my expert review and rating.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:10:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just ate...
Oh dear lord...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Too many words about other people's piss.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
had a face that resembled a burnt tyre
I NEARLY DIED LAUGHING!
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So now it must be asked, Do you like your job?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i actually dropped something when i read the sorry bout the blood part.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gosh that sucks.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:04:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your job sounds horrible :(
Submitted by el_em_en_oh (user info) at 2005-12-29 10:03:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She had a face that resembled a burnt tyre..."
BWAAAAhahahahahaha
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-12-29 09:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-29 09:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SOme of the oil rigs I worked on were like this.
They didn't test for booze though so I was ok.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-29 03:55:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-29 01:51:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
drunk +2
was what I meant
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-29 03:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
[03:42:AM] sarcastic jason: sleepy drunk time
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-29 02:25:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-12-29 02:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2005-12-29 01:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Considering the manliness of your profession, you are indeed the Queen of the Piss Police.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 00:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for vaginal blood heavy urine samples!
You down with O.P. Pee, yeah you know me...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:24:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A slice of life like this should have solid +2's.
Submitted by kimberly (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what a job
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good, well written and interesting.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:11:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wish I was earning 150 grand a year. Mind you, what other job can you be at work twelve hours and only do 2 hours legitimate work per shift!!
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2005-12-28 23:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kalgoorlie!!! Now THERE'S a town! More topless bars per capita than anywhere in the world!! Hay street was interesting too, though I couldn't see the point ion forking over $200 an hour for a 50 y.o. manky whore.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-28 22:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus this brings back memories of living in Kalgoorlie. Same type of town - all about mining, and the drug tests are loathed by every druggie redneck who's earning 150 grand doing basically menial labor. You'd think those lucky bastards would count their blessings, not bitch because they can't have breakfast cones before work.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-12-28 21:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Snitch.