Resolutions I Have Broken in the Last Ten Years (1142 hits)
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Submitted by ahumblefool (View user info) at 2005-12-29 14:35:24 EST
Heading up to my favorite place, Whistler BC, for a five day New Years vacation and wanted to leave uberites with a parting New Years Good Wish.
Foods I will no longer consume:
Starbucks: I always manage to do pretty well with this resolution until the holidays and Eggnog lattes and Peppermint Mochas come into play. I then break down and buy one or two, who am I kidding 40.
Cheese Wiz: Not even cheese, shit, not even food. Every year I promise to never eat it again, but she calls to me like the Sirens and I can not resist her yummy temptation upon a club cracker.
Shock Tarts: Candy of the gods. My son and I will eat so many of these at one time that my tongue is literally burned from all the citric acid. I then sit and complain that my tongue is killing me for two days, and then consume another bag with my son three days later.
Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia: I have spent many a month trying to avoid the frozen section just so my eyes can not see the carton. It never fails, in about two months I have a container of it in my freezer.
Drugs and Alcohol:
Whiskey Sour: I am boring when it comes to drinking, I always have a sour. I keep telling myself to try something new, but when asked what I want to drink, it pops out Whiskey Sour.
Marijuana: I have never tried a hit. Hell, I have never done any type of drugs. I always have wanted to try getting high, but the minute I am offered the puff of a joint I become a total prud and refuse. I just can not seem to get my brain to give the stuff a shot.
Conquer Fears:
Spiders: I hate those frigging things. Small ones, medium ones, large ones, they scare the shit out of me, and I have no real reason as to why. I tried to conquer this fear two years ago by walking into a pet store to buy my son a Rose Tarantula. The minute that spider hit my hand, I flung him against the wall, killed the poor thing. That cost me $45. Dam things are hairy.
Enclosed places: Claustrophobia, man I have it bad. I tried three years ago to lock myself in a closet. I was screaming and crying to be let out after 15 minutes. Swear I could not breathe. Every year I tell myself that I need to conquer this in order to go caving with a buddy of mine, but I just can not control it.
Sex:
Abstinence: My wife and I had read that if you do not have sex for two months, your first session is really hot. We lasted about a week.
Times per week: I do not know about most guys, but I crave sex on a continuous basis, constantly, so much so that I ended up going to counseling over it. I love sex... My counselor even says I have a serious problem with it. What does she know? My wife and I have been working on this resolution for over six years. I want it every night and morning and lunch, she wants me to back off some. Who will win?
Goals:
Everest: I have been giving the chance to climb the mother of all mountains, I have made the down payments, I have done the training, and I have chickened out two months before going each time. Everest scares me in a very primitive way. I want to climb her in the worst way, but I know that with children I never will.
Workout: Many people think when they meet me that I should be some buff guy because I rock climb and hike a lot. Both of these tasks do not take muscle, they take endurance. If you can lift your body weight, you can rock climb. Every year I go to the gym and I last one month. It becomes routine, and I hate routine. So my spare tire sits around my waist.
Sell My Company: Again, as I have done for the last five years, I have said I will sell or close my company this year. It allows for flexibility, pays very well, but it is a lot of responsibility and I get tired of it. After so much time, I just can not seem to let it go.
Hope next year treats you all well and you reach some of the goals that you set for yourselves.
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-22 13:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For God so loved the world, he gave us his one and only humblefool.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2005-12-30 23:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smoke first and review your resolutions after the Loki scene is over. Happy New Year.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-12-30 22:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so fucking jealous I can't even bring myself to read this post now. We just hired a kid who's in Whistler now.
FUCKERS! My mountain is brown and the closest good skiing, Salt Lake City area, is still pretty thin, from what I hear. Plus it's a 9.5 hr. drive.
I'll try to do the graceful thing and read your post now.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-30 17:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear about the cheese thing. I'm the same way about Rotel dip made with Velveeta and ground beef.
First; too much sodium, I don't do Velveeta, and I don't eat red meat. Normally I avoid cheesy Velveeta/Beef Rotel dip at any and all costs.
But it is a weakness. I can resist only for so long and by the end of the holiday season, I've usually eaten a small crock-pot's worth of it at various parties.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-12-30 16:10:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Simplistic but an enjoyable read. Good luck.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-30 13:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The first time you smoke weed would probably go like this.
(inhale) cough cough cough
"use the carburetor dude"
"what" cough cough weeze
time passes
humble is seen in the corner curiously watching the swirling patterns of smoke in the room, he wonders what the big deal is because he certainly doesn't feel any different, although damn some cookies would be good about now, "ohmygod that is the funniest commercial ever get it he'll buy tampons and go to yoga but he won't share his Dr. Pepper get it hu get it why is everyone looking at me like that"
that's pretty much it
Remember no one has ever died of an overdose on weed and trust me on this, that ain't from lack of trying.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2005-12-30 08:17:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ilikeyoghurt (user info) at 2005-12-30 05:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude, get stoned, bang your wife and eat whatever the hell you want. Life's too short. And why do you need to see a shrink because you love sex? Every single man in the world likes sex that much, we just deal with it - you fucking Americans with your emotional issues.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-30 01:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry for linkwhore, but Whos Coming To Vegas??? http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-29 17:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so getting you high in the Poconos, pussy.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-29 16:08:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:51:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
I belive that because dealing with other peoples children on a daily basis would make me crazy.
======================================
I fully intend on reclaiming stoner status after I start teaching in the fall.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-12-29 16:04:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I'm only about a 5 minute drive from you, and I will gladly get you high. Name the time and place, I'll bring teh bud and the utensils.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't break resolutions
I don't make them either
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:40:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:30:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:14:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. I encourage you to get into drugs.
__________
School teachers should not encourage drugs! :)
===========================================================
Ha! If you drug tested every teacher today, 95% would fail. Honest. They're all stoners.
---------------------------
I belive that because dealing with other peoples children on a daily basis would make me crazy.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:44:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
We are packed! See all ya'll bitches after the third!
Orgas: I will email you with more details when I return.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I mean given the amount of time that I'll either have left by then or will have accrued.
I spent a lot of time travelling last year, and I can't go in the hole at all here.
Yet another reason why I'm thinking about leaving this place.
Anyway, whatever...all I'm saying is I'll have to see what the spring is looking like, because it might be thin time-wise.
If you want to shoot me some details, bust me some love at orgasmatron2029.at.yahoo.com
Or...you know. If you just want to send me some nudie shots of yourself.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:30:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:14:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. I encourage you to get into drugs.
__________
School teachers should not encourage drugs! :)
===========================================================
Ha! If you drug tested every teacher today, 95% would fail. Honest. They're all stoners.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:33:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, the look on your face when I'd show up and you'd find out that I'm really just one of Method's alters.
In fact, I'm really just one of the pores of skin on his massive, King Kong Bundy-sized head.
Honestly, that sounds like a blast. I doubt that I'd be able to get free for that much time, nor could I bust loose without pay for that long (lest I risk losing out on monies that are necessary to fund this, my cheap, shitty mid-20s existence).
If anything changes, I'll definitely let you know.
________________________
No shit, even for a week, you do not have a week vacation? This is going to be a great experince if we can pull it off. Hell, I could tag your airfare, it ain't much. And if you are one of Method's alters, hell then, I guess I would be hanging out with the greek, either way good times.
Anyway, it is still up in the air as we are having a hell of a time getting permits.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:33:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my god cherry garcia ice cream is godlike.
i cannot do down the frozen food aisle.
so sad.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, the look on your face when I'd show up and you'd find out that I'm really just one of Method's alters.
In fact, I'm really just one of the pores of skin on his massive, King Kong Bundy-sized head.
Honestly, that sounds like a blast. I doubt that I'd be able to get free for that much time, nor could I bust loose without pay for that long (lest I risk losing out on monies that are necessary to fund this, my cheap, shitty mid-20s existence).
If anything changes, I'll definitely let you know.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:14:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. I encourage you to get into drugs.
__________
School teachers should not encourage drugs! :)
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:19:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
i may be going to whistler for a conferance in january.
______________________
Best place on earth. Bring skis and get ready to party. Hot tubs, ski bunnies and parties galorie! I own a condo there and we go up as often as we can.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:17:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:37:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron, vacation man, a long two week vacation is in your future.
_____________________________
I did not want to say anything yet as we are still firming up prices and shit, but, a buddy of mine and I are heading to Zion and Bryce for a one month horse back trip, I was going to see if you wanted to head down for a couple of weeks, seem like you would be fun to hang with. We are still planning and working on permits though, so did not want to say too much as I do not know if we can pull it off or not. Would not cost you much as he owns the horses, just airfare.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:14:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn rights!
Feb 10 is my birthday, but I probably won't be degrading myself till well into the weekend.
Throw me an email a little closer to D-day. First one's on me.
_____________________
Flip you for it!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shock Tarts: Candy of the gods. My son and I will eat so many of these at one time that my tongue is literally burned from all the citric acid. I then sit and complain that my tongue is killing me for two days, and then consume another bag with my son three days later.
It is reassuring to know that I am not alone in my self-destructive, sour-things-loving ways.
As to the sex thing... The only boyfriend I've ever had who was capable of keeping up with me is leaving in like a week. That sucks so much ass that I can't even begin to describe it.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i may be going to whistler for a conferance in january.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:11:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Back at you. Next year is your year to break out and be on Oprah for your dirty poetry. I can see it, you'll be hanging with Cruise and jumping up and down on the couch reciting Uberoetry.
---
Have you been paying attention lately? I've gone all legit and intellectual.
No more vile, erotic poetry for me. That's my New Year's resolution.
In fact, it's no more poetry, ever.
Ever.
Too bad I'm shit at sticking to resolutions.
While I've got you - what'd you mean by this?
Are you sending me somewhere and haven't told me?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-28 17:37:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron, vacation man, a long two week vacation is in your future.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy New Year...may you fuck like the dickens!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. I encourage you to get into drugs.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:14:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn rights!
Feb 10 is my birthday, but I probably won't be degrading myself till well into the weekend.
Throw me an email a little closer to D-day. First one's on me.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:06:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy New Year, sugartits.
___________________
Back at you. Next year is your year to break out and be on Oprah for your dirty poetry. I can see it, you'll be hanging with Cruise and jumping up and down on the couch reciting Uberoetry.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
honestly, the next time the spleef comes your way, take a hit.
i have faith in you, old man.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:06:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:54:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:51:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually man, are you stopping in Van at all, or are you shooting right through?
________________
I am really bad with geography, where is Van?
======================
Vancouver... it's the big city between you and Whistler bro.
______________
Shit, your in Vancouver! Hell, I am going right through this time, but I am in Vancouver every month. I have a client there. Want to get together and grab a beer in February, think I am there, ah... 9 - 12th?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:06:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy New Year, sugartits.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:54:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:51:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually man, are you stopping in Van at all, or are you shooting right through?
________________
I am really bad with geography, where is Van?
======================
Vancouver... it's the big city between you and Whistler bro.
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a snob, I don't do resolutions, I have new resolve throughout the year when I realize I have a bad habit that I need to break. Still...I've been craving cigarettes for about 6 years now and it's just killing me. I will hold strong.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I keep mine easy:
1.I promise to be a jerk
2.I promise to be overly sarcastic
3.I promise to be an overly sarcastic jerk
BINGO! i win every year!
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 15:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:57:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
My News Year Resolution was to patch things up with an old friend.
And I just did it.
____________________
Congrats Tiger, 22 days.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My News Year Resolution was to patch things up with an old friend.
And I just did it.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:52:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would love to do some hiking in Nepal, but Mt. Everest not so much. I mean sure it's there and all, but would that even be fun? I saw some documentary on it and there was a really disturbing moment when one of the guys who was stuck up on the mountain and knew he was going to die was talking to his wife on a radio. She was pregnant and they talked about what to name the kid. How does that conversation go, "hey hon yea well I'm on Mt. Everest, turns out that I will most likely be frozen to death here in a couple of hours so how are things back home?"
damn
For the kind of money it takes to pull that off, you could peak bag the entire state of Colorado.
I'm going to make it to Yellowstone this year goddamnit and nothing can stop me. We were planning it for this past year but we ran into some scheduling issues and a nephew who insisted on graduating from high school even though it was a rather inconvenient time.
____________________________
Yellowstone, did a month there two years ago. Do the waterfall loop, it is a one week trip but worth every moment. Watch the Grizzlies, they are becoming very aggressive. We ran into one on the thrid week, and if I had not had my bear spray, I believe me and my buddy would have been toast.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:51:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually man, are you stopping in Van at all, or are you shooting right through?
________________
I am really bad with geography, where is Van?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for my favorite drink.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:52:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would love to do some hiking in Nepal, but Mt. Everest not so much. I mean sure it's there and all, but would that even be fun? I saw some documentary on it and there was a really disturbing moment when one of the guys who was stuck up on the mountain and knew he was going to die was talking to his wife on a radio. She was pregnant and they talked about what to name the kid. How does that conversation go, "hey hon yea well I'm on Mt. Everest, turns out that I will most likely be frozen to death here in a couple of hours so how are things back home?"
damn
For the kind of money it takes to pull that off, you could peak bag the entire state of Colorado.
I'm going to make it to Yellowstone this year goddamnit and nothing can stop me. We were planning it for this past year but we ran into some scheduling issues and a nephew who insisted on graduating from high school even though it was a rather inconvenient time.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My resolution is the same it has been for so many years....quit smoking. I am gonna do it this time
Maybe
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually man, are you stopping in Van at all, or are you shooting right through?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never do resolutions, because that requires change, and I'm shitty at changing.
Anyway, would YOU like to go to Las Vegas in March?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81666
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've given up on making new years resolutions.
That shit never happnens.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy New Year. This is how it usually goes for me:
This is the year I work out.
I'm going home tonight to work out, in fact.
What's that? You want to go for a beer?
OK, I'm in.
Tomorrow I'm going home to work out.
Repeat.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:44:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with them.
Wish I was heading to the Poc.. Pocon.. That place with the snow Con. You seem like a cool guy and I would be happy to buy you a Whiskey Sour.
Have a good New Year.
Have a drink for me while I am driving the drunks around London.
-Dave
_____________________
Will do. I am heading to London next October, first round is on me.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:41:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy early new year to you. I'm looking forward to meeting you in 22 days.
____________________
Looking foward to it, should be a hell of a good time.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with them.
Wish I was heading to the Poc.. Pocon.. That place with the snow Con. You seem like a cool guy and I would be happy to buy you a Whiskey Sour.
Have a good New Year.
Have a drink for me while I am driving the drunks around London.
-Dave
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:40:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Times per week: I do not know about most guys, but I crave sex on a continuous basis, constantly, so much so that I ended up going to counseling over it. I love sex... My counselor even says I have a serious problem with it. What does she know? My wife and I have been working on this resolution for over six years. I want it every night and morning and lunch, she wants me to back off some. Who will win?
=============================
You are not alone.
Oh yeah, she'll win.
Lets grab some beers and hit Madame Cleo's.
__________________
Done!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy early new year to you. I'm looking forward to meeting you in 22 days.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:40:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Times per week: I do not know about most guys, but I crave sex on a continuous basis, constantly, so much so that I ended up going to counseling over it. I love sex... My counselor even says I have a serious problem with it. What does she know? My wife and I have been working on this resolution for over six years. I want it every night and morning and lunch, she wants me to back off some. Who will win?
=============================
You are not alone.
Oh yeah, she'll win.
Lets grab some beers and hit Madame Cleo's.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-29 14:37:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy New Year.