Different year. Still the same idiot. (1649 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.96 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-01-01 10:50:39 EST
It's been 2006 for twenty three hours and forty four minutes. Thus far, my life has failed to suddenly change into a sparkling adventure of sexual intrigue and high-class drama. The most exciting thing that's happened was a 72 hour Will and Grace marathon. At three in the morning, my husband woke up and wandered into the loungeroom. He took one look at me in my nest - doona, chocolates, coffee, mobile phone so I could play "Canal Control" during the ad breaks - and didn't even bother to ask me to come to bed. He just said "It's the 70's Show marathon all over again, isn't it? You can't go to bed because you might miss a really good episode?" I nodded, gesturing at the TV. "'s Will'n'Grace. 's good show. Go 'way now, busy."
My life is a rollercoaster.
The 70's Show marathon almost killed me. On Christmas Day, it was, so after we got home and I whimpered about the incredible "Hahaha look a lobster" sunburn I got at my Mum's and the kids went to bed and the Dutchman slathered Aloe Vera gel all over my naked chest and shoulders and back (not sexy, not even a little bit, I was whining about the pain too loud to be sexy) I sat on the couch, topless under the airconditioner vent, and watched That 70's Show for eight hours until I fell asleep on the floor because the texture of the couch upholstery was too painful for me to lie on.
I got sunburned because I'm a fucking shallow self-centred cow.
My exhusband came to my Mum's house for christmas. We're all very very mature, you see, and choose to play that "Let's all be bestest buddies for the sake of the children" game. So we get along, we spend family-oriented holidays together as a big happy group, and the twins have two fathers to play off against each other like chess pawns.
This was the first time the husband and the ex have spent any great deal of time around each other, and they were doing that subtle thing where they circle and snarl like alpha lions fighting for control of the pride, right? Only because they're humans, they can't actually snarl, so they compare salaries and mobile phones. I was having sooo much fun watching them - I already told you, I'm shallow and self centred, and they kept checking to see if I was paying attention to their witty sharp edged banter. And me being ME, and an idiot, and fairly fucking drunk at the time, was sitting in the sun because direct sunlight on red hair just, you know, looks awesome. And so my hair was all shimmery and fantastic and I was being cooked like a big pig in a bonfire. The most humiliating part of it was when the Dutchman was putting Aloe Vera on my back and he said "It's ok though, because your hair looked great. Don't worry, we noticed." I hate that man.
He made me promise to be nice to the ex, to not pick any little spats this time because DAMN that man can piss me off, to just smile nice and be very very polite even when the kids weren't around. I got sulky:
"I don't know why you want me to be nice to him. He used to put his penis in your wife's mouth, you know."
"Yeah, but if I had a problem with everyone who's ever had his penis in your mouth, I'd never leave the house and I'd avoid all human contact.... Dear."
I've made some really great New Years Resolutions:
-To stay female.
-To not have any more kids. (That one's easy, there's this stick in my arm that tells my ovaries to behave.)
-To not try and do things I know I'll fail at, like quit smoking. (Proud of this one.)
I'm anticipating roaring success.
GIS for "I drink Bleach."
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-20 23:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stellar
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-06 17:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i want to see burned pictures. you show me and i'll show you. (i live at the beach... there's an abundance of them)
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-03 21:38:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MUNKEY!
Dearest!
Did you get the email about Vegas?
Huh?
Huh?
C'mon, we can jump on beds again!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-03 21:14:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to lose weight and quit smoking. I can't decide which to do first.
If I do them both at the same time I will kill people.
*happily munches on chocolate while smoking a cigarette*
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-03 13:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck resolutions.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2006-01-03 07:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My resolutions are:
* to get fit
* to get rich
* to get a lover
* to get a rich, fit lover.
Same as last year, if I recall.
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2006-01-03 07:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy New Year.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-01-03 06:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My resolution sucks. To lose weight. Predictable. *sigh*
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2006-01-03 05:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is quite bizzare..
I also spent christmas day arvo
watching that 70's show.
Meanwhile, My most important resolution is to
not have noisy freak ass monky sex with ex-girlfriends
while the landlord is upstairs on the balcony
above me. i think they had the grandkids over.
oops.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-03 02:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my. Your resolutions are infinitely more awesome than mine.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-02 21:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 15:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it said anal control....opps
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2006-01-02 14:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
happy new year to you and the Dutchman... For the Dutchman:"De beste wensen voor het nieuwe jaar Stoel... breng die kolonialen maar wat beschaving bij!" :-)
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-02 13:35:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could rub Aloe Vera all over your exposed chest while you screamed in pain and begged me to stop the torture.
What?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-02 05:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-01-01 19:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-01 18:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-01 18:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't know why you want me to be nice to him. He used to put his penis in your wife's mouth, you know."
"Yeah, but if I had a problem with everyone who's ever had his penis in your mouth, I'd never leave the house and I'd avoid all human contact.... Dear."
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2006-01-01 18:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been meaning to review your stuff for a while. Honestly, you're one of the the top three active writers on uber. Happy New Year.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-01-01 17:13:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*ceases vomiting long enough to wish you a crumbly Happy New Year*
Submitted by detective_mike_ohara (user info) at 2006-01-01 15:28:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Eastern Hemisphere.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-01 15:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Same Shit Different Year.
But you made me laugh out loud with..
""Yeah, but if I had a problem with everyone who's ever had his penis in your mouth, I'd never leave the house and I'd avoid all human contact.... Dear." "
so +2.
-Dave
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2006-01-01 14:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for pure ass-kickery.
-1 for Will And Grace.
-1 for your shallow being.
+2 because I'm in a decent mood.
Good work.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-01 14:23:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay New Year. It's funny that you mentioned not having kids as being easy rather than staying female. I've added 2 and 2 together and concluded that you are getting a sex change operation.
Submitted by Zol (user info) at 2006-01-01 14:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-01 13:40:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
*I* haven't had my penis in your mouth. Can I come over for 2006 Holidays?
-------------
Basically i had the same idea. Can u just throw a picture here?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-01 13:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy New year Circe.
I'm fair skinned and always get burned. I have given up sunbathing- I may only go to cold places in future.
(Is your dutchman actually dutch? If he is- we are going to the Netherlands for a week in February- ask him what not to miss please!)
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-01-01 13:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*I* haven't had my penis in your mouth. Can I come over for 2006 Holidays?
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-01-01 13:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You lost me at "idiot."
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-01-01 13:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn australians and their backwards seasons.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-01-01 12:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.
-- Homer Simpson, to God
There's No Disgrace Like Home
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-01-01 12:19:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
New Year means nothing. It's always the same old shit.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-01 12:15:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Christmas and New Years are COLD holidays!
COLD I SAY!
SNOW AND WINDS AND BITING STINGS OF ICE PELLETS RAINING DOWN ON YOU WHILE YOU SHOVEL YOUR WALKWAY SO KIDS CAN TRAIPSE ALONG THE SIDEWALK GAWKING AT THE LIGHTS YOU STRUNG ON YOUR ROOF FOR 3 DAYS WHILE MISSING FOOTBALL AND ALL HUMAN CONTACT!!!!!!!!
What odd country are *you* from, with all that heat and sun and such and whatever and whooferall? Chine? Cambodia? Mongrupistakistania? *sheesh*
:-)
(Yes, I know, c'mon peeps...)
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-01-01 11:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<sigh> another year, same old shit
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-01 11:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
KatHunter - I know. I've signed him up for a battery of psychological testing, don't worry.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-01 11:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Dutchman really loves you.
Submitted by Zol (user info) at 2006-01-01 10:58:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for that
Yeah, but if I had a problem with everyone who's ever had his penis in your mouth, I'd never leave the house and I'd avoid all human contact.... Dear
He is some man. I always admire when somebody kind with womens.