Murder in Uberland and YOU are a suspect! Part 1 (1610 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.77 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Siren© (View user info) at 2006-01-01 21:28:06 EST
In honor of the new year I've created a missing person/murder case (I know nothing of law or criminal investigation) based solely on what you chodes looked like in 2005! I used Circe and Phuzzygish's Uberdirectory 2005 as my inspiration. They get FULL credit for the pictures. I don't want any copyright shit from you two twats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Siren, reporting live in Uberland.
Early Saturday morning, another missing person of Uberland was reported. This is the fourth one in the last two months. It seems our snatcher likes the pretty girls. The body of a young lady by the name of Stin was discovered just a week ago (last photo below). As you can see, Stin was a lovely young girl, or at least she was before she was discovered tied to a tree and charred as black as Samuel L. Jackson at midnight.
Now it seems our murderer has struck again. Parlor Trick (last known photo below) has been missing for a week. At this point, with Uberland's small, untalented, underqualified Crimes Unit, it looks like we may not know if it's actually a murder until it's too late.
Now, let's talk see what the Sheriff of Uberland has to say, Sheriff BigMike. Are you there BigMike?
Sheriff BigMike: Yes, Siren thanks for having me. As you know we're a bunch of talentless hacks here at the UPD, so we've had no choice but to interrogate or stalk every single Uberlander. We already had mugshots for some of our citizens.
Some have not been too helpful I'm afraid. When we caught up with Engine13, Nicole3, QueenAshley and SilvrWolf, we barely got answers from any of them. We deemed them too shy to have snatched two lovely ladies from society. After all, it's never the shy quiet types who turn out to be murderers.
The next group of suspects was investigated by my badass-lady-cop-on-the-brink-of-lesbianism deputy, Corn Nugget.
Deputy Corn Nugget: Well, Siren I showed up at these fellers' homes and realized they were a little preoccupied. Jonuka, Burn, G-prime and Hidden101. They were mainly all pleasuring themselves really hard. The exception was Hidden101; he was only caught staring in a mirror, but seemed to be enjoying it all the same.
I decided to let them to their business and sniff around their homes for young hot ladies' uderwear. I MEAN evidence of the ladies' whereabouts.
Meanwhile, my partner 1.21 Gigawatts was being a jerk cop to some stoner kids down the street. Bongzilla, Degreeless Capibara, Gibberish, Wookie Suave, Spuds were all found buzzed out innocently on their couches. Help us out, Gigawatts.
Gigawatts: Yeah, I threw 'em in the car and took 'em downtown just for smoking a little doob. If it was one of them, we're all safe now.
I also eliminated Adamdidit2u, comicbookguy, and DonovanMD, who all had alibies. They were winners at the celebrity look-a-like contest held on the night in question. Tim "the tool man" Taylor, Groucho Marx, and Meg Ryan were all proven innocent.
Absolutes, Ainkara, Iddqd, Anansie, Proof of Purchase, Jeanneee, Kimmy02721, SoleyTrinity and Manda Panda all turned out to be too pretty for murder. But Corn Nugget said she'd follow up with them anyway.
Siren: Thank you Sheriff and deputies. I know this is an unusually long interview about a missing girl, but let me ask you this. There's a rumor that your department has sub-contracted a group of nerds to do some investigative work for you. Is this true?
Sheriff BigMike: Yes, it is. We were lucky to have such nerdy citizens of Uberland willing to help us out. As you know nerds are smart and will work for pictures of naked women. Even women nerds. And anyone who wears those black plastic rimmed glasses is automatically a nerd. So, we recruited Wiki, FreshPrince, Olivia Tremor Control, Funkboy, Bargled, StarDamage, Snark, and Tigerlilly to be our NS (Nerd Squad).
Siren the reporter: So, Tigerlilly, queen of the NS, tell us what you've found out.
Tigerlilly, queen of the NS: We decided to use our natural technology savvy brains to track down some suspects. For example, we have FatmanPK on satellite surveillance and installed cameras in the home PCs of Jo of the Golden P, GLALL, DarthFaded, JayPeg, MrWillard and Professional Peon who we think may be catching on.
We did some door to door investigative work, too. Snark interviewed Falco.
Snark: Yeah, he used to beat me up in the 7th grade, so if he was going down I wanted to be responsible. But Falco didn't even remember me. He just said, "Dude, I was at such a frat party that night dude. Rawk! Now go long..." ... it just didn't fit the profile.
So, I moved on to Spam's house, but he wasn't home. He was off doing the voice-over for South Park's Mr. Slave. Standard Deviant, Nocturnal Dragon, Indoninja, Habeeb, Wazza and Fabit weren't home either. They were on vacation.
Next, we visited a fellow nerd named Hobbs to see if he'd noticed anything fishy lately.
*Reinactement*
Hobbs: Well, I spend most weekends rockin' out with my highschool bandmates. But you may want to question my brother. Donkey, (knocks on bathroom door) someone is here to see you!
Donkeyontheedge: Uuuugh...hold on.
Hobbs: Donkey, it's important!
Donkeyontheedge: STFU!
Hobbs: That's it, I'm coming in!
Donkeyontheedge- Fuck y- *bleckgrlughhhh....*
*End reinactment*
What was Donkey puking about? Who took the beautiful Parlor Trick? Will Saxon be able to spit out his chewing 'baccy long enough to defend his rotted flesh scented "fish" cooler? Find out with Part 2 of Murder in Uberland and YOU are a suspect! a.k.a Tired of typing tonight.
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-03 21:42:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THEN COME TO VEGAS!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-03 21:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awwww. I miss some of the old timers.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-02 17:26:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
jebus - you mention the whole WORLD but not me!!
*weeps*
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-03 08:49:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not in there either but it's my own damn fault since I've never done a real camwhore. hmmmm
========================================================================================
Ditto that. It's just that all the pictures that exist of me, I don't want posted on the web.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-03 16:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It appears that I am not a suspect. This is a good thing.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-01-03 15:30:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2006-01-03 10:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Potatomanjack screams serial killer.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-03 09:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You might need to re-evaluate your ambitions then honey... :)
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-03 09:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yay approval from Circe and Phuzzy. That's all I ask...
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-03 09:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Awesomely witty comment that makes people go:Holy shit, he's a clever clogs."
This idea rocks.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-03 08:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not in there either but it's my own damn fault since I've never done a real camwhore. hmmmm
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-03 03:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-03 00:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can someone PLEASE start using a different picture of me? Pretty please?
You know, one of the pics from "Dealing With Fat People" would be OK.
That fucking thong....
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-03 00:46:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll do what I can, Wookie.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2006-01-02 23:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't expect to be the murderer, but I hope I have a roll in upcoming episodes.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81775
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-01-02 22:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:12:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, if I get to "help BigMike with his enquiries" in the back of a grubby dirty police cruiser and he has to physically brutalize me to get the information out of my filthy whore mouth, that works too.
No more pain meds. I just decided.
Works for me.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-02 21:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just because...
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-02 17:53:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry, Merlina, you have a totally awesome role in Part 2!
The rest of you... sorry, but your picture isn't there! I would've included you if you had one.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-02 17:26:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jebus - you mention the whole WORLD but not me!!
*weeps*
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 15:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry special K
I'm not either :(
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-01-02 14:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm not even a suspect :(
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:55:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm guessing Micheal Jackson did it
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe, you crack me up.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:12:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, if I get to "help BigMike with his enquiries" in the back of a grubby dirty police cruiser and he has to physically brutalize me to get the information out of my filthy whore mouth, that works too.
No more pain meds. I just decided.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-01-02 11:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a dick, sorry.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-02 10:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll give you a hint.
It's not Circe, BUT that doesn't mean she isn't very very helpful in finding the real murderer.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-02 10:31:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HEY.
If anyone does indeed guess the murderer (yes I already know who it is) I'll give you 5 +2s. I wasn't going to make it a contest of any sort, but now I think it'll be fun. Is that ghey? I don't know... just DO IT!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 10:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-01-02 07:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-02 00:25:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Big Mike, you have the cop sunglasses and you're probably the most responsible of all us retarded retards. Sorry for any actual retards that may have been offended by that.
Love the disclaimer.
Yes, make Circe the killer/dominatrix. What fun we could have when I finally caught her. Of course, deputy nugget would have to be there as well.
By the way, have any of you uber users noticed how cute Siren is? I mean, besides those of you out there that have a fetish for girls in eyeglasses/porno librarians.
What a cutie.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-01-02 05:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-1 because you didn't photoshop that obnoxious cunt who shall remain nameless out of the uberdirectory.
+3 because this story deserves a +2 and I'm not a prick.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-02 04:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The real answer to the crime may be found here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81685
A thinly veiled description of the perp.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-02 04:36:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your prime suspect is Mrs. Flibble. Did you see those
dangerous weapons she is carrying?
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2006-01-02 04:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2's across the board...... This is gonna be awesome.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81775
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2006-01-02 04:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Elemetry!
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2006-01-02 03:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cheers
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-01-02 03:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-02 00:25:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Big Mike, you have the cop sunglasses and you're probably the most responsible of all us retarded retards. Sorry for any actual retards that may have been offended by that.
******
haha! The last sentence. This site is insane.
{I know one of y'all, it's a start.}
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-01-02 02:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to die.
....In real life. Not the story.
*WEEPS*
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2006-01-02 01:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy FUCK that must have taken a long time. +2 for that alone.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-02 00:25:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Big Mike, you have the cop sunglasses and you're probably the most responsible of all us retarded retards. Sorry for any actual retards that may have been offended by that.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-01-02 00:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, that's right. I'm the sheriff. How did that happen?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-01 23:30:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear bob,
I'm not finished yet, hence the Part 2.
Love,
Siren
P.S. You're picture seems to be missing. Not my fault.
Submitted by Zerobootfuck (user info) at 2006-01-01 23:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Siren, whenever a pretty girl goes missing, you can be pretty sure that Eric D. Rice was behind it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-01-01 23:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-01-01 22:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for including me!
im so sad.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-01 22:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-01 22:14:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd BETTER have killed somebody, or I'll be very very upset.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-01-01 22:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-01-01 22:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-01 22:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great!!
Well done.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-01 22:14:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd BETTER have killed somebody, or I'll be very very upset.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-01-01 21:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not a "him" you fucking noob. And I did apologize; I was mean.
Submitted by feckarse (user info) at 2006-01-01 21:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
cunt
Submitted by feckarse (user info) at 2006-01-01 21:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Good Evening,
I am the "should-have-been-a-sheet-stain" that submitted my latest "foecal-matter" 30 seconds after the author of this piece. In retrospect, I have decided to do something about it, namely, insulting him constantly for as long as possible, before resorting to repeating myself. Tally-Ho!
"The author of this piece is the rancid slice of a cumslut's breakfast that was binned soon after said cumslut performed expert oralsex on his mother. The mother in question sees the author of this piece as I, and most of the world does - as a retarded monkeyfuck of a cock weasel, a "man" who makes Steven Seagal look deep and meaningful. His pieces fill their readers with the same emotions as syphilis, but without the joy of getting laid beforehand. I do believe that the Lord Almighty should be bitch-slapped for letting such a shagging travesty of the glory of the human race walk about unchecked by castration or decapitation. Speaking of his abnormally swollen bollocks and limp, sinewy penis, I believe that if he manages to blow his load into the human gene pool, someone should follow behind him with a sack of chlorine. Anyway, must wrap this up as I have more important things to do, such as have every sperm in my body checked so that I might not be the creator of a little bollock such as the author of this piece.
Wanker."
I thank you ladies and gentlmen for reading by expulsion of disgust at this cocksucking, motherfucking, childmolesting, smallpuppiescaring fuckup.
Finit
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-01 21:46:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i need fucking golf shoes man!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-01 21:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
holy shit, someones feeding alcohol to those
goddamn lizards!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-01-01 21:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm...
A lot of those people do look capable.