how a man with a broken foot whipped my ass - revenge just isn't the same when you're a pussy whipped married man (1628 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.81 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2006-01-03 11:01:44 EST
The summer before my son was born I spent the majority of my lunch breaks riding my motorcycle. My wife was still working to help save money towards the imminent arrival of mini-scourgeoftheseas. Our time schedules didn't jibe and we couldn't eat together, so ...extra leisure time for me.
My workplace was on the edge of downtown, so I could hit city limits in about five minutes from the parking lot. The country roads on the western side of town are all hills and curves. Nice rolling roads, perfect to cruise and watch the land unwind. If I stretched my hour lunch into one and a half, and I usually did by not watching the clock closely enough, I got a solid hour of ride time.
One day as I was heading back to work an idiot cut me off. This happens a lot when you ride. You become invisible to the average motorist. Or, at best, you're just an annoyance taking up their valuable road space. You learn really fast to be a defensive driver on a bike.
There's a four lane that goes straight into the heart of the city. Right before you hit the city limits sign there's a nice wide sweeping curve, about a mile long. You can see down the entirety of its length. He was swerving in and out, cutting people off, tailgating, revving the motor.
I could tell he was super cool.
He was driving an old Civic del Sol, with a big giant exhaust can and a wing, stickers to let you know how quick it was. Silvery headlight and taillight buckets. Big ass wheels. Tinted windows, dragon stickers, the whole mess of crap that makes small slow cars look like small slow cars with a bunch of money wasted on "upgrades".
Even driving like an idiot I still ended up at the next light right next to him. In my experience almost everybody with a car like this thinks it's the fastest thing in existence. This makes them think they can race a bike and win. They are, for the most part, wrong.
He looked over at me, started revving the motor popping his clutch in and out and giving me cool race guy stare. I just laughed and waved him off.
When the light turned green he bolted off, still trying to race me. When I didn't take the bait, he cut me off again.
When people do this shit I usually scream something and wave my fist around, old man style. But this time I just wanted to go back to work, mind my own business and get on with my day. In a rare moment of intelligence on my part I ignored his little gesture of manly coolness and laughed it off.
Another red light.
Another green light.
He cut me off again.
Every light. He'd speed ahead and then cut in front of me. Maybe eight times. At this point I was a little nervous. When cars and motorcycles get in fights, cars always win.
As I finally got to my turn and went around the corner he decided he still wanted to play his game. He waited until the last second and then jerked the wheel hard to make it around the corner and cut me off at the same time. This time he was about a half foot from sideswiping me in his haste to continue being super cool and hardcore masculine.
This is the point where I both almost laid my bike down and lost my cool.
"Hey you fucking idiot, learn to drive or get off the goddamn road."
He turned into the next parking lot, right at the corner of the intersection I was approaching and I geared down and came to a stop at the red light. I didn't even look back. He was off the road and I had gotten out everything I needed to. I just sat and waited for the light to turn, shaking my head.
"Who's a fucking idiot?"
I turn my head.
Big fist. Connected to an even bigger man. Professional wrestler big. I'm not sure how he even fit into the damn car. Big fist was momentarily connected to my right eye.
This is possibly the hardest I've ever been punched in my life. It popped the lens out of my glasses and left a nice oval gash all the way around my eye. It made a pretty little detour up onto the side of my nose and through my eyebrow. I still have a scar on the side of my nose, though it's finally fading.
I didn't drop the bike only because I had my right foot on the ground. It was still close.
At red lights I always leave the bike in first and just hold the clutch. If I had to put the thing in gear I likely would have gotten hit again. This is something I wanted to avoid.
Without really thinking about it I let go of the clutch and hit the gas enough to shoot about twenty feet ahead. He jumped back awkwardly. I left the bike running and threw the kickstand down.
I had decided that my moment of intelligence was over for the day. I was going to go rounds with this big bastard.
As I started to throw my leg over the seat the little purple stars started spinning in front of my face. Simultaneously the blood from my brow started to drip into my eye.
Through this private little special effects show I saw the guy hobbling towards me. Hobbling because he had a cast around one of his feet.
Then I saw his identical twin. Two guys, about 6' 5", 275 lbs apiece. Both hobbling. Then they morphed into a single person. Then they split up into two people again, coming at me through a haze of purple stars and blood.
I can handle myself...but against giant people who turn into multiple giant people at will? While my blood runs profusely down my face and my knees are made of Jell-O? Maybe not a good idea...
I decided to leave. Quickly.
I drove through the lot where his car was parked and relieved it of one of its windows, as a little bit of unfulfilling revenge.
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Explaining at work later wasn't fun. Explaining at home wasn't fun either. I had a raging headache for about four days. Pride is a big thing. I still haven't told anyone the bastard had a cast on his foot. It was a soft cast, but still...Pride is hard to swallow
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Once the Boy arrived this year I didn't ride much. Maybe a couple dozen times. Some of the joy was gone from it anyway. I started thinking about the little sucker punch incident and getting right pissed every time.
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When the Boy shits himself I wrap the diaper up into a tight little ball. This annoys my wife. I try to explain that I'm being space economical. (I used to fold my dirty laundry to save space in my 300 square foot apartment. I didn't think this was weird. My wife did. She still picks on me for it.) She wants to get the thing out of her sight as quickly as possible, loosely pushing it together just enough to make it fit into the opening of the garbage can.
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One ride I ran across a little red Civic del Sol with dragon stickers and a giant exhaust can and a wing.... The one untinted window was the real giveaway. He was only about six blocks away from my home, in a cul de sac. There were three busy roads in between. I guess this and the cul de sac were the reasons I hadn't found his car sooner.
I drove back by the house a couple times over the next few days to make sure it was his house, that he wasn't just visiting a friend or something. Sometimes it was gone during the day, but every night, bingo. I had found my friend.
I told my wife about it and was promptly disallowed from involving myself in a physical altercation of any sort. She made me promise. And I did. The Boy needed a daddy who was level headed and law abiding. Not a daddy who hunted down people who had wronged him in the past and exacted the due and proper vengeance.
I started disposing of diapers the same way my wife did, to show my commitment to her vision of how to live life. Loose and runny, into the can.
-------------
That was the first thing I left in his car, after the cinderblock that went through the windshield of course. A torn open bag of week old diapers.
The next thing was the case of rotten tomatoes.
Then more diapers.
Litter box remnants. Some random household garbage. I made sure to space it out every few weeks, so he'd drop his guard in the intervening time.
This had the same hollow feeling of revenge that kicking out the window had given me. Very satisfying for a few minutes followed by the desire to do more...
That was when I decided to do the Works™ Bomb.
Works™ is generic brand Drain-o™. You take a two liter bottle, fill it about two thirds of the way with shredded aluminum foil and pour in enough Works to cover about half the foil. Screw the cap on nice and tight and toss the bottle. It takes a while, but the Works™ starts to eat the foil. As it does it releases some foul gases that cause the bottle to swell up nice and fat.
Once it gets tight enough, it pops, spraying a fine corrosive mist all over everything in about a ten foot radius. You don't want to be holding this when it explodes. Inside a car it stays a little more concentrated. You will NOT have recognizable seats or a stereo or a dashboard after this.
You WILL have to gut your car if someone does this to you.
When I drove by a few days after this, there was a tow truck dragging the car away.
When I drove by a few days after this there was a for sale sign in the front yard of the home.
I don't really feel a need to find him again.
Without the car I probably wouldn't be able to anyway.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by dbhjw (user info) at 2006-02-07 18:40:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kharma, fuck yeah!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-12 13:59:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
h my gosh! It's the son of our lord! Jesus Voltage! He has come to undo all the damage that minimumdino has done!
"My son, bask in my glory. For I am the Onstar that will lead you to salvation. I am the mapquest that knows the way to heaven. And I got a bitchin +2 here for ya."
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 20:01:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
imagine if this was one of those top ever posts....
keep imagining
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-01-04 10:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
That is all.
-Dave
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-03 16:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2006-01-03 15:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-03 13:45:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2006-01-03 13:37:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting for this story.
He had a fucking cast...I'm telling everyone!
-----
It was a soft cast, he was Andre the Giant, he sucker punched me, and if you do you're a penis. Aren't you supposed to be working?
-------
No school until Wednesday. I slept in today. Don't work the other 2 jobs either.
AND...I am a penis.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-03 15:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
revenge is most tasty when served ice-cold!
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2006-01-03 15:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh hell yes.
Though....that might have seriously messed the guy up if he had been holding it....or if his kids (lets hope to god he didn't reproduce) got ahold of it...that would be a sticky mess....
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:04:25 (#)
Ranking: 1
although he's certainly an asshole, and without a doubt deserved everything he got, fucking with someone's shit is just fucked up.
this just reminds me of how some stupid whores slash tires or break windows of their ex boyfriends' cars when they get dumped. read some of QueenAshlee's reviews on http://www.ubersite.com/m/73351 . shit like that gets me fired up.
+2 because it was well written and entertaining.
-1 for fucking with someone's shit
-------------------------------------
My fucking SKULL is fair game, but his car isn't? He swerved at my bike. Thats fucking with MY shit AND my life.
Turnabouts fair play, Tim.
You wanted me to what...? Beat his ass? I don't fight anymore unless it's absolutely unavoidable. I want to keep my face pretty. Also, I made a promise to my wife, and I kept it.
You pegged one part though, it was someone's SHIT. Material possessions. Crap. Stuff.
Thanks for comparing me to a jilted girl. That was nice.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining story. On the one hand I want to call you a dick for not letting it go but on the other dude had it coming so whatever.
commenting on a comment from another post:
Where did you see the bouncing souls? they were one of many favorite bands of mine in the early ninties (sp?).
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:04:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
although he's certainly an asshole, and without a doubt deserved everything he got, fucking with someone's shit is just fucked up.
this just reminds me of how some stupid whores slash tires or break windows of their ex boyfriends' cars when they get dumped. read some of QueenAshlee's reviews on http://www.ubersite.com/m/73351 . shit like that gets me fired up.
+2 because it was well written and entertaining.
-1 for fucking with someone's shit
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:03:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nappy terroism always works a charm
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:03:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I drive a fast car, and jerks like that always think that because I'm younger I'll race them. I just want to explain to them that I am A) Not that fucking stupid. B) Not going to waste my time outracing a Hyundai, and C) Quite a bit better looking than them.
Oh and don't forget D) Cardboard spinners do NOT make your car look cool.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-03 13:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2006-01-03 13:37:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting for this story.
He had a fucking cast...I'm telling everyone!
-----
It was a soft cast, he was Andre the Giant, he sucker punched me, and if you do you're a penis. Aren't you supposed to be working?
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-01-03 13:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' marvelous. When I was 14 I slit the bottoms of the seats of my PE teacher's car, and filled them with dead fish, and sewed them shut again.
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2006-01-03 13:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting for this story.
He had a fucking cast...I'm telling everyone!
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2006-01-03 13:35:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining, well written, and unpredictable. Awesome!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-01-03 13:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-01-03 12:50:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hey you fucking idiot, learn to drive or get off the goddamn road."
I am still trying to fit this onto my license plate in one of those catchy little jumbled-up-mess of-letters-that-says-something-cute. Can't quite get it done though.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-03 12:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by VengefulDaddy (user info) at 2006-01-03 12:01:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing makes VengefulDaddy feel more warm and fuzzy than...VENGEANCE!
Keep up the good work!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I'd wear a helmet when I used to ride.
Well, that, plus the wind would blow my contacts out if I didn't have a full face shield.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was YOU? You prick.
I had to move because of you, after I buried the remains of my darling del Sol.
*Weeps*
Well done. You get a gold star for Revenge today.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Careful using the Works Bomb people.
If you get it on your hands they start to feel greasy. That's the skin melting.
The fumes probably aren't so good for you either, so once you pour the juice in the bottle, don't breathe too deeply until you have it closed up nice and tight. It's best to do this at night, sometimes they can take a while to blow up and you want to give it the extra time to eat away the upholstery, the carpet, the whatever..
DON'T pick the thing up again after you've tossed it. They go off without warning.
Consider this your fair warning, I now absolve myself of any guilt over potential injuries suffered by people who want to do this.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is some sweet revenge.
Auto revenge linkwhore- http://www.ubersite.com/m/77695.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for teaching me how to make a Works™ Bomb. I'll use against my enemies.
Now I just need to get some enemies.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you.
I hate assholes.
OK, I hate OTHER assholes.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He deserved it.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing worse in this world than asshole drivers. Well, nothing but asshole drivers that don't realize they're being assholes. Well-played, nicely done, win one for the little guy, etc. If you want to go over and whip that dude's ass, give me a call, I'll get a bunch of my buddies together, since the asshole obviously wouldn't mind sucker-punching you OR ganging up on you.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:11:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So glad this was the first thing I clicked on today. Well played.
I'm glad to know that other people have hang-ups about things like dirty clothes and diapers just like I do.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-03 11:08:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was just great, and i'm using that on someone.