The Uberbury Tales: Prologue, Part 3 (589 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: uberbury_tales
Rating: 1.66 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-01-03 14:05:24 EST
To catch up:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81465 - The original post w/ the beginning of the Prologue.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81638 - The Prologue, The Tech (Knight), The Intern (Squire), The Logger (Yeoman), The Prioress, The Nun, and the Three Priests.
THE MONK
A monk there was, a pious man of God
Who saw through every bit of life's façade
And knew Man was built for eternity,
Not just for the fruits of modernity.
A simple man in simple robe of brown
With belt of knotted rope his waist was bound,
For fashion held no sway upon his life.
His hands possessed no sign of school or wife,
Though education had he in excess
For Cluny's ancient holdings did possess
A wealth of scrip and scrap for his delight,
He read the volumes all by candlelight
In his cloister during evening and night
For years, before he left his simple cell
To better serve the Lord he loved so well.
Since then had he roamed the world's wan face
In search of sinners needing love and grace
From the Lord most high, he thought it better
To heal so the sick and ease the debtor
Instead of spending year 'pon year in rooms
In contemplation while sin, outside, looms
O'er the heads of Man. Travelled he the seas,
The continents in number has he seen,
Foot to earth connected as Adam past,
He knew that he would exhaust his breath, last
Underneath the heavens' stars and on soil
As cool and comforting as finest oils,
So great was his love of the wide wilderness.
A walking stick of sandlewood had he
Light as feathers, sturdy as agéd tree,
Tapped it there against his foot's sandaled side
A gift from his father, it was his pride
And joy, both tool and weapon together,
It helped him field, fight and fall to weather.
This monk, though rustic, loved to hunt and chase
Would pay a sum to track a dovetail's pace,
In fact, his robes held fragment both of leaf
And flecks of earth close by the trim and sleeve
Though I could not determine if this was
From hunting, travel or some other cause.
Electric teeth he seemed to have, so white
Flashing smiles of his would split the midnight
And send even Lucifer back to hell.
THE PREACHER (the Friar)
A stout and ruddy preacher sat, as well,
Folded hands held softly there on his lap,
As if forever frozen in a clap,
A rosary of gold with ruby beads
The better with to pray for those in need,
For he knew God would answer prayers so prayed
Upon the greatest rosary e'er made.
A circuit was he travelling, far, wide,
Circling 'round the nation so as to cry
And shout and spread the Good News loud to all,
This preacher loved to cite and teach The Fall,
How Man did covet most that fruit, forbid,
Yet understood the sin in what he did,
Which set the world in motion, racked with pain,
Because of Man's decision, proud and vain.
Often would be weep when professing faith
While making sure the cameras caught his face
Streaming tears as fountains pouring down cheeks,
Blessed be the man whose faithful eye leaks.
Viewers and attendees, all so impressed
By the love of Christ the good man possessed
Would open up their wallets wide as mouths
And give both check and bill to help him out
("For glory and for God this money goes,"
He'd tell them, "and to rid all the world's woes.")
Fingers, ringed with gold and platinum bands
Were manicured to prop'ly suit his hands,
Underneath his wrists there rested a tome,
A study of the works of St. Jerome,
For like the saint he loved translation best
Finding different words to suit and suggest
The meaning of the ages long since passed
To bring folks understanding long at last.
Versed, then, in the art of reconstruction
He used his language to preach devotion,
Careful to promote the act of tithing
To fill God's coffers, his pockets' lining.
A Dolce & Gabanna suit he wore
Black with pinstripes stretching down to the floor,
Double-breasted, the front up-buttoned thrice
Custom-tailored - he cared not of the price.
Twin cufflinks of the finest gems capped sleeves
Their silken stature fine and thin as leaves,
When asked why he possessed them he then said
"He that tilleth his land shall have bread."
Recently returned from Saints Croix and John
("So seeking out good Christians thereupon,")
His tanned skin, as copper and moisturized,
The faintest trail of tan lines 'round his eyes,
Tropic-tripping did he through the long year
But only to the saintly isles for fear
That Satan would bewitch him in some land.
I watched his claspéd, slowly-moving hands
Saw them circle on leg and crotch with force
Subtly itching, scratching an unknown source,
Persistent as a pecker working wood
Quietly he worked, did the best he could.
A former college rugby player, he
Could still be moved to tackle, raise a knee,
Or tussle with another if inclined.
He loved to sip on whiskey mixed with lime.
And of a family he had daughters, two.
THE MERCHANT
A merchant, there, with beard of golden hue,
Groomed and trimmed it wrapped his face as a strap
To hold the tangled mess of hairy cap
That wildly perched above his hazel eyes.
He wore all camouflage as if disguised,
For hunting he loved - his cause for travel.
He sold machines that mixed and set gravel
And made a proper living on the whole,
Providing for his family, name of Dole.
To pick a favorite brew, he'd choose LaBatt's
He always wore a faded trucker's hat,
Between his gums and lips he held a ball
Of Redman's tightly-packed tobacco chaw.
Flipping Maxim's pages sat he so alone,
For witnessing his spitting made folks groan.
THE CLERK
An Oxford clerk was perched upon a stool
Across the hall at barside sipping fuel,
His graying hair a tussle on his brow,
How he came to drink so I know not how.
But so in love with liquor he appeared
This learned man of letters, law, adhered
To this, his one commitment, save his job:
To drink his days away and of life rob
The wickedness and pain of daily ins
And outs, to blur the line 'tween virtue, sin,
And to create a new morality.
Working had become a formality
A simple way to pass the ticking time,
He found he'd rather spend his days with wine
("A simple catalyst, that" he slurred, faint)
Than nose-deep in a stack of new complaints
Or other tedium of law and life.
To speak of had ne neither mate nor wife
But rather a new conquest every week,
Clubbing so, carousing through the night air
Listless in his revelry without care
Or conscience, he mated only bareback,
Dancing so with Fate and daring payback.
Quite adept he, too, at all games of chance.
Next: The Lawyer, The Franklin, The Haberdasher and the Carpenter, The Weaver, The Dyer and the Douchemonger, The Cook, The Sailor, and whoever else I can get to...
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-01-13 00:36:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well from 2 on 52 on the second post (i dont count the first one) to 1.76 on 26 (and four of those are orgasmo). its on it way out, badassmofo.
this is no reflection on orgasmo who seems to be a highly talented individual and i quite like this idea - its just posts and stories about uber are generally weaker for associating themselves to this mediocre site.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-12 19:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:55:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Santa Voltage drops in to pay a visit to the little boys and girls.
HERE'S A +2 LITTLE ONES! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! HO HO HO!
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 14:30:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
rate yourself its cheaper
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-07 23:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jeez
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-01-07 07:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In all honesty, mate, i don't know why all your posts aren't solid plus two's.
I usually dont rate people who talk about ubersite, but im making the exception.
Everything you submit is gold.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Although, it would help if you put our screennames by our parts, just so we can keep track of who's who.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-04 09:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oooh don't worry bout the tmi thingies. it's not like you won't get a fuckton of +2s. we're all enthralled with you.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-04 09:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-03 19:57:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and add one more of those to the list tomorrow, since I'll be posting "It's the End of the Uber as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)."
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I've been wondering if you were going to do this.
You guys shouldn't be so mean to little paul. He writes great poemetry and stuff.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-03 21:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTENTION IDDQD: You said this would die after one or two posts.
Well, eat your words, dude...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-01-03 20:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:16:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Methinks thou shouldst post something original.
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I TOLD YOU they'd come sooner or later! :D
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-03 20:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
figures i'd grow up to be a drunkard.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-01-03 20:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-03 20:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I shall be the Miller, Sir Gasmo hath decreed,
I who gave the Neighbor's wife my putrid, rancid seed.
I have a place carved out inside this Chaucer-driven farce,
Before it's through, I swear to you, I'll kiss the lady's arse.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-03 19:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and add one more of those to the list tomorrow, since I'll be posting "It's the End of the Uber as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)."
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-01-03 19:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:16:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Methinks thou shouldst post something original.
__________________________________________________________
Hey there, Paulwhoeverthefuck, did you bother to read the background
of this series of posts, or are you just terminally stupid? The entire
process was laid out a while back, and it was there for all intelligent
creatures to see. If you can't read, go look at some porn...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-03 19:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:16:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Methinks thou shouldst post something original.
---
Maybe 5 or 6 of my posts (8 if you want to count each iteration of this) have been created to fit the exact build of an existing song or poem.
5 or 6 out of 80.
Maybe 11 if you count my reviews, but God knows how many of those I've done.
Don't be upset because I've had a little fun at your expense before. Though if you really do have an issue with that, then perhaps thou shouldst consider biting mine codpiece.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-03 19:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:16:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Methinks thou shouldst post something original.
-------
Methinks you should check your own reviews- plenty of original Orgasmatron goodness on those. You should be honored- he doesn't write poems for just anybody, you know.
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-03 18:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Methinks thou shouldst post something original.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-03 17:09:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-03 16:46:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Note to self: don't submit something like this just before another round of TMI and an ETS post on politics.
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Ain't that the fucking truth. One day I had the misfortune of being bracketed by Circe and Bickerstaff. Then Mr. McCallum joined the fray and I called it a day. More or less a guaranteed fucking that was.
I just finished reading this. Awesome as usual.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-03 16:46:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Note to self: don't submit something like this just before another round of TMI and an ETS post on politics.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-03 15:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent work
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to lunch and didn't have time to read all of this.
Have a +2 on faith alone.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Damnittohell...I forgot a line. Stupid proofreading.
For the Clerk, the ending should read:
To speak of had ne neither mate nor wife
But rather a new conquest every week,
A lusty wanton, dapper, coy and chic,
Clubbing so, carousing through the night air
Listless in his revelry without care
Or conscience, he mated only bareback,
Dancing so with Fate and daring payback.
Quite adept he, too, at all games of chance.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-03 14:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid chaucer.