The Viking: An Historical Study (861 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.25 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JTC (View user info) at 2006-01-04 01:44:25 EST
Vikings kick ass.
Don't go! There's more.
Some people still believe Columbus was the first European to set sight on the New World. But as we educated folks know, it was the Vikings. The Vikings were also the first to colonize America. I probably have you saying "No, wait! The Native Americans colonized America!" Seemingly, seemingly. But a closer look at the facts reveals that this is simply not the case.
Artifacts recently unearthed in coastal American dig sites suggest that the Vikings were entirely responsible for the first colonization of the Americas. Theories have been developed, based on previous evidence, of a massive migration of Asiatic peoples across the Bering Strait, possibly during an ice age. It has been theorized that Europeans other than Vikings could have possibly been in the Americas as early as 10,000 BC. However, it is now for certain that Vikings are responsible for this mass migration.
As you may or may not know, Vikings love to kill shit. With the coming of the first ice age, they realized that though they would easily survive the most harsh winters, their prey would most likely perish and they would be forced to turn upon each other, eventually reducing their entire social structure to nothing but scattered barbarian tribes. And so, they gathered up as many Asians as they could onto their longboats and force-rowed them across the present Atlantic Ocean. Many of the Asians feared the Vikings' approach to such a degree that they willingly swam across the Pacific Island, and by doing so, seeded thousands of islands along the way.
The Vikings dropped their cargo and went on their way for a while to pursue other matters, primarily space flight and the problem of old people still being alive. The "natives" also went their separate ways and began pursuing such illustrious goals as the wigwam and a written language. In order to prevent these natives from constructing defenses for their inevitable return, the Vikings destroyed every shred of evidence of their New World arrival. This is why we can find little archaeological evidence of their fabled voyage to seed the New World.
Fortunately for these new natives, Europeans other than the Vikings did survive the ice age. This was one of the few miscalculations the Vikings ever made. Consequently, the New World turned into the stuff of legends and slowly faded out of even Viking legend. The Vikings, knowing that their was blood to be had on the European mainland, predictably began to pillage and burn at will when they damn well felt like it. They seldom left behind a trace as none of them died and they ate their broken weapons and armor on the way back to their homes hundreds of miles away, from which they had walked without sleep or food or water solely to pillage and rape for a while.
It was not until the second millenia AD that the Vikings began to leave behind evidence of their existence. A few of them got a little crazy and started to go on conquests, taking and holding land. By this time, through breeding with the commoners, the Vikings had lost many of their badass qualities and had to sleep and eat as normal humans. This greatly slowed their advances in technology, and many top scholars theorize that this may have been the reason they could not achieve warp speed. (They did, however, succeed in travelling forward in time and naming some space probes after themselves.)
Prior to their conquests, however, several Viking sages resurrected the ancient lore of the New World, and it sparked the interest of many young Viking exploreres. Ecstatic at the prospect of more killing to be done and new women to rape, the Vikings set out immediately. Yet again the Vikings' relative shortsightedness nearly cost them everything. Expecting the primative people they had left behind, many of the Vikings had boarded longboats fresh from raping and pillaging and burning Christians, and were relatively unprepared and unrested for the coming battles. After establishing their base camp around Newfoundland, the Vikings set out to kill and maim as they pleased. Unfortunately for the Vikings, some dumbass far in the future, unaware of the chaos he would cause, had used a magic cabinet to give the native Americans automatic weapons. After Teto or whatever the fuck his name was told the kid of the slaughter, the weapons were removed as suddenly as they had been given, explaining why we have no archaeological evidence of this. We do, however, have a film documentary on the subject.
Many of the Vikings were killed. Unused to being killed, and knowing that the Native Americans were renowned necrophiliacs, they proceeded to eat the corpses of their slain while retreating to their camp. There, while the Indians tried to figure out how the fuck to reload, the Vikings built new longboats to replace the ones that they had hauled ashore and burned for fuel in the forges they built with their bare hands from coastal rock. They sailed back to Vikingland, as it was known, and turned their focus towards the European conflict.
Sadly, the Vikings underestimated the power of the Christian Monks. They were slaughtered by the millions. The war left the European continent devastated, destroying invaluable research and centuries of technological progress. With the Vikings gone, all vaccines were destroyed, allowing for the eventual spread of diseases such as plague, smallpox, the common cold, the flu, ugliness, obesity, and the ghey AIDS. Don't believe anything the history books tell you, they are only trying to mask the stupidity of our European allies. If you were to look in history books from the late 18th century, when we were at war with Stalin or somebody over there, you would note that many of these facts are present.
If the Vikings were still here today, there would be no problem of overpopulation. TEH GHEY AIDS would be nonexistent. North Korea would be the Viking kings hand puppet, and nuclear weapons would be standard in every household, just in case. As you can see, I have done my research, and I know what I am talking about.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-02-02 14:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So mad legit it should be illegal.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-05 07:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny. Although as a Dane, and therefore a direct descendant of the Vikings, I'm offended that my country was called "Vikingland"... that sounds like a low-budget amusement park. It's "Denmark", please. Thank you.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-01-05 07:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Valhalla I am coming.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-04 14:12:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2006-01-04 08:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. A lot of fun to read.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-01-04 07:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, a small contingent of Vikings survived the ice age. Over the years they interbred with natives and now all that's left of their great heritage is the ritual playing of American Football, although they're not very good at it.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-04 06:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good ramble.
And yes; vikings do kick ass.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-04 03:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh and yeah, a few Eskimos have European heritage from the ice age.
Good-o.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-01-04 03:07:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Vikings were just as civilised as everyone else and weren't anymore bloodthirsty.
The only reason we think of them as marauding barbarians is that we've inherited the old English perspective, who were attacked by vikings regularly.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-04 02:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I do not believe this post is entirely accurate, please post your sources.