Bums (921 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.81 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sicosemen (View user info) at 2006-01-04 10:39:39 EST
At what point is it acceptable or unacceptable to give money or charity to a bum? I've encountered this problem several times in my life as I'm sure the majority of you have as well. I met a bum in Baltimore once that had a sign around his neck advertising: "why lie, i want a beer!" I gave him five bucks. I also met a panhandler posing as a bum in Richmond. Every day I saw him on route to work in different attire and always being clean shaven. I've read a novel--obviously fiction (no need to tell me if it's possible or not--i don't give a fuck)--in which the character was able to raise upwards to $2000 daily panhandling in New York. During the holiday seasons he was able to soar past $5000. Surely a better living than I. I have come up with a well designed system to find out if it is ok. Follow these ten rules.
10. If he/she is clean shaven don't give him shit. Berate and interogate him about his razor. Throw in key words such as "electric razor" and "gillete." Promptly spray mace in his face.
9. If he/she is a foreigner, refuse to give him anything. Chances are these people are either illegal or are collecting a government stipend of some sort. Tell them to wish in one hand and shit in the other.....
8. If he/she offers to sing, dance, or draw you a picture immediately pull out your billfold. This proves that the man is at wits end and is actually willing to work, perform, act, etc.
7. If he/she stutters, mumbles, or talks gibberish DO NOT reply. This bum is really homeless but he is on crack. Talking to him will only encite him. If you must say something, point to the tallest object and yell "Mustache Cucumber."
6. If he/she has a sign that reads "will work for food" first check the cardboard for deterioration and aging. If it is new, do nothing. If it is old, give him a job and two meals. eg. mow the lawn, wash car, paint fence, etc.
5. If he/she tells you they are God, Run don't walk.
4. If he/she has bird shit on their coat, they are indeed homeless. Offer to take him to the nearest sandwhich shop and walk in and pretend nothing is wrong. Later tell your friends how you hung out with someone more full of shit then them.
3. If he/she tells you they need to catch the bus or will pay you back tell them to perform fellatio or cunnilingus. They are lying and would like to summon some illegal activity.
2. If he/she is wearing a clown suit then you are fucked. You WILL be raped and sodomized. You WILL die. You WILL get dressed up like a circus character. YOu WILL be on milk cartons and missing posters for a while. They WILL NOT find your body.
....and number one....
1. If he/she is walking on their tip toes give them all of your money. This person is retarded. Ever notice how retards walk on their tip toes? Don't try and run, this retard can outrun you anyday. Don't try and fight him; retards have well, retard strength. Submissively admit you will never be quite the person they are and give them your money. Not much I know, but will thrill the hell out of them.
User Reviews
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-04-19 16:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have one rule: NEVER AGAIN. http://www.ubersite.com/m/86786 .
It'll just be another example of someone mistaking kindness for weakness.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-01-05 03:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The only bums I ever give anything to are the ones who are either too old to work or the ones with dogs/cats-especially if the animal looks skinny or hungry. Even then, I don't give them money. I buy the old ones food and the pet ones food for their pet.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2006-01-04 16:45:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never give money to bums... unless I'm friends with him (here's to you don!)
I figure if I have to put up with my bosses bullshit and shave everyday they should have to too.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2006-01-04 16:02:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've seen the picture some time ago. Yes. Might be funny.
But what the fuck is your point?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-04 13:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-04 13:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I must see/pass 10 a day. I used to give them money until I saw one of them getting into a Lexus at the end of the day. After that my answer is usually "sorry pal, I don't have anything for you."
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-01-04 13:26:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a 15 min walk to work in Philly where I encounter the usual bum outside of Dunkin Donuts and WaWa asking for change. I never give this guy money... he used to have a dog with him, dunno what happened to it.
The only time I have ever given money was to a guy in the train station playing Christmas music on his recorder. (Yes the annoying instrument)
I always feel if you give them money once, they will hound you every time you walk by. And as MistressFist stated, there are more bums that pigeons in Philly.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-04 13:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:14:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I need my quarters for the laundromat. When I do give to the homeless, I buy them food. In Philly, there are more homeless people than pidgeons. On a 6 block walk to work, I will encounter at least 6-10 asking for money. One guy spit on me when I said I didn't have any $$ to give him. If you are young and look able-bodied and are homeless, you are probably a drug addict. There is one dude though that I buy food for or give some money every now and again. He's the real deal..Vietnam Vet, not on drugs, not a scammer. Just another victim with a shitty life it seems. But he's the only one I help out. But there used to be another old lady that would shuffle around in flip flops in January, asking everyone for "sammtiches". I felt bad for her too.
I see it this way: my exorbidant city wage tax goes to supporting the drug addled welfare state that is Philadelphia, and of course fleecing Mayor Street's pants. Worst mayor EVER.
----------------------
When I took my son to the car show in philly last year I had to explain to him that he didn't see a 'paper monster' over the large heating vent, that it was actually a person sleeping on it to stay warm.
It was the only time I ever remember him asking "why?"
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-04 12:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-04 10:44:49 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Mustache Cucumber"
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-04 12:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best ones I've heard/encountered:
A bum asked my buddy for a dollar to "help save the Fornicating Tree Frog of Guatemala". The dollar was handed over.
A guy sitting on a street corner panhandling mentioned he took interac (debit cards). This caught my attention. I looked down and sure enough he had a keypad from a retail interac machine. I asked him where he got it. He smiled and replied that he'd rather not say. I laughed and handed over my last dollar. I may be feeding a drug/alcohol habit, but he made me laugh to earn it.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-01-04 12:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed and I laughed. I work downtown from time to time. Outdoors. In the fucking poor ass areas. You know, the ones where the houses are ALL boarded up and/or condemned, but gangs still live in them? And the homeless guys walk around in boxers and coats? It's creepy. Some day I will carry beer around with me everywhere and just hand it out. I know what they're after.
I've never seen the clown suit bum, but I believe you.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could linkwhore about three posts of my own to this...
I love talking with the shithouse crazy ones.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Purple monkey dishwasher.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need my quarters for the laundromat. When I do give to the homeless, I buy them food. In Philly, there are more homeless people than pidgeons. On a 6 block walk to work, I will encounter at least 6-10 asking for money. One guy spit on me when I said I didn't have any $$ to give him. If you are young and look able-bodied and are homeless, you are probably a drug addict. There is one dude though that I buy food for or give some money every now and again. He's the real deal..Vietnam Vet, not on drugs, not a scammer. Just another victim with a shitty life it seems. But he's the only one I help out. But there used to be another old lady that would shuffle around in flip flops in January, asking everyone for "sammtiches". I felt bad for her too.
I see it this way: my exorbidant city wage tax goes to supporting the drug addled welfare state that is Philadelphia, and of course fleecing Mayor Street's pants. Worst mayor EVER.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They actually started licencing bums in NC recently. It now costs 10 bucks a year to panhandle plus they gotta take time off work (HAH) to get to city hall for the permit.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-01-04 10:56:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost always give money to bums. But I also always expect something in return. Nothing extravagant, just a little song and a dance maybe. A happy little foot shuffle.
If I don't get it, I stab them in the kidneys and take my money back.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-04 10:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spacey (user info) at 2006-01-04 10:54:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw a busker once, I gave him £10 because his song went "I need your money, I need your money, I need your money for DDDRRRRRUUUUUUUGGGGSSSSSS" he he
Submitted by the_cole_guy (user info) at 2006-01-04 10:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have always given money to a bum with a creative sign. I gave $10 to one in Baltimore whose sign read, "Ninja's killed my family, need money for Kung Fu lessons".
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-04 10:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a little watery in parts, but I was thoroughly amused.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-04 10:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Mustache Cucumber"