I hate you dad. Said Jesus (519 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1.25 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Toast Eating Bastard (View user info) at 2006-01-04 11:21:01 EST
I was sitting on my couch watching TeeVee when the goddamn phone rang. Must've been the fourth time today. What the hell do these people want? First, no, I am not happy with my current phone service, but I don't feel like changing it. Second, third and fourth; no mom, I will not unlock the door for you because you locked your keys in the house. How the hell did you get out in the first place? I guess I'll pick it up. "Yeah?"
"Dude, you know how I told you that I joined the NRA?"
"Tony? Shit yeah man. I thought you were this hippie Jesus freak. What the hell?"
"Yeah. But they gave me this sweet deal on a sniper rifle."
"Sweet"
"C'mon get ready, we're goin' hunting"
"Can't gotta stay with my little brother till mom gets home. And even when she gets here, she'll just leave us again. Like dad."
"That's cuz she works though, right? I know a guy who does nothing but talk about how shity his dad is. It's really fucking annoying bro."
"Shutup. Bring your car. I'll meet you outside"
"Yeah, see ya."
"Out, motherfucker"
Great. I've always wanted to use a sniper rifle. Really. What? You think I'm gonna write a story where I do shit I don't like? Hmm... hunting. I never thought I'd ever need it, but this is great. I grab my hunting knife, put my brother Nick in a choke hold with the knife and tell him were goin hunting and drag his ass outside to wait for Tony. Some fat bitch was knocking at my door APPARENTLY for so long that she's late for SOME bullshit. All I heard was, 'No put that away', and 'my baby, no!', or something like that. I sat my brother down on the bench by the front door and gave him a few warning pokes so he didn't move. I asked him if he remembered what the moon was made out of. He said cheese. (Inside joke. Funnier than it seems.)
Here's Tony. "Oy!" I yelled as he pulled up. He loaded the rifle, put it on his hood and pretended to shoot at me. He was really good, too. I could swear that I heard gunfire, and that a window shattered behind me. Oh, Tony. Always playing it safe. We laughed and laughed all the way into the woods. The drive was boring and is irrelevant. So to spice the story up, lets say we flew there like Mary friggin Poppins. So when we put down our umbrellas and landed, we pulled the treestand out the trunk. We must've walked a mile away before we found a good tree. We set it up and waited. I told Tony about a good idea. Tony then said, "Fuck. we can't. We don't have any more binoculars. That'd be cool shit, though. Spencer. Go to the van (magical umbrella) and pull out some more binoculars." "You heard him douchebag." I told my brother. He must've not of heard me. I took the rifle from Tony and aimed it at guess who. That put some pep in his step. "You cant use the ladder". I said. "Hell to you" was his response. "Where the fuck do you get these stupid sayings" Two days ago I could've sworn I heard him say 'You monkey blow'. What the fuck is that? I threw him off the stand which sparked this whole 'my leg is broken' fit but I told him to suck it up and that was that.
"Awesome" Tony said. "Who's gonna shoot him?"
"Get your own toy. I mean brother."
"I watch with one of these extra pairs of binoculars I have in my pocket." I got into position and saw my target. This is way better than big game hunting. It's little game hunting. After he got a respectable distance away, I shot. Tony yelled out, "OH SHIT "YEEEA, BOYYYYYY". Headshot. We skipped all the way to our kill. "Wait" I started, "We need to be home by 7. He has school tomorrow. He can't come home if he's dead." Tony suddenly picked up a Jamacan accent. "Ya mon. What are ya woorian fe? I know a dude who con take care o' dis fer us right quick. After all, he owes me fer moving some televisions into a truck fer 'im. He said dat I could call 'im if da need arose" I called him a dumb rasta motherfucker, but he didn't here me because he was yelling for Jesus. Not (Hay- sus), but (JEE- zuss). I thought he was crazy, but then this hariy dude wearing jeans and a t-shirt came and said "hello"
I said "Hey. Is that Jesus" Tony responded, "Who the fuck was I just calling out for?" "Pshht. Fucker." Then, Jesus spoke. "Whoa, shit man. What the me happened here. I told him that he was supposed to always know what we were doin, but Jesus said that he 'ain't no goddamn Santy Claus'. Whatever. Iasked if he could do a favor for me, but that just started a shitload of a mess. "What? You call me over and expect me to do some sort of miricle for your dumbass? HELL MOTHERFUCKING NAW!" But Tony bailed me out. "Say J-man, you owe me for moving those TV shaped boxes for you a month ago. C'mon, do it for me man." What the hell happened to his accent? Anyway, Jesus looked a little grumpy. He looked into the sky and yelled, "Hey dad!... I know you fucking here me. Asshole." A voice boomed from the heavens, "What now Jesus?" "You owe me shit for being such an asshole"
"I know"
"Oh, you know EVERYTHING, don't you? Just shut up and give this kid life again."
"..."
"Now, you holy shit!"
"Whatever. Tada. Or something"
"I hate you dad" Jesus said, but didn't get a response. I thought to my self that God didn't seem so bad. But Jesus heard me and went on and on about how neglectful he is. No seriously. He went ON and ON. I told Tony that his friend was really buggin' me out. "I can hear you" Jesus spoke up. "Then leave. I gotta get home with Nick" So we all grabbed our magical umbrellas and went home.
User Reviews
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-04 12:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why are you talking with ted nugent?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This really did not do it for me.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:56:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Was this one long run on sentence or did I miss the point because I could have sworn there was going to be either funny, good, or something coming from this story but all I found was dry writing which caused me to have a brain tumor while I was at work ignoring my duties that could lead to me getting fired and that wouldn't be good, funny or something.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-01-04 11:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Humor implies funny. There's your tip for the day.