A Conundrum: Smoking a Cigarette from a Stranger's Pants (2090 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.91 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2006-01-05 11:41:54 EST
There are times when one steps inside of oneself to ask the timeless question, "What the fuck are you doing?!"
Well, I KNOW what I am doing and it doesn't matter that you don't like it. It is at this point that one realizes that they are indeed having a conversation with themselves in their own mind. Get the straightjacket and the padded room ready for me. I'll be there in a half an hour and I'm bringing guests: my conscience and my common sense.
I have often told people that my conscience is a 34 year old man with Down's syndrome and a compulsive masturbatory problem. He's always jacking when I need him. My common sense is very similar to me in that he stares at my conscience, thus usurping his decision making abilities for the sake of having a laugh or two. Don't get me wrong, the two are the best of friends.
My common sense acts like the proverbial big brother. They go fishing, roller-skating and play video games together, getting along famously. They're family born of my psyche. Plus, my common sense is terrified of my conscience's brute retard strength. Imagine trying to peel the dick from the hand of a 300 pound retarded man hell-bent on firing off a load retard juice. Even my common sense has common sense.
But any time that I require the services of one or both of the above-mentioned functions, they're non-existent. A couple of regular assholes, these two are. I love 'em, though. I'd give them both a hug if they weren't invisible and figments of my imagination.
Like the time that I thought it would be a good idea to hump the leg of a waitress at a club for a laugh. Where were you fuckers when I got that tattoo of that fake super-bowl ring on my forehead from that fat bouncer? You're both still on my shit-list for that.
Case and point: Tuesday night.
I am quitting smoking. It's actually more like quitting the purchasing of cigarettes. Things get to me and being the weak-willed person that I am, I want a smoke. I am also a very fidgety, antsy person and hate sitting still for periods of time longer than 5 minutes.
I went to see Les Miserables this past Tuesday in DC. Good play I guess but being as culturally devoid as I am, I couldn't get past the obnoxious vibrato that was prevalent in men's voices. The female voices didn't bother me and I even laughed a few times at the comic relief.
They had this round, turn-table stage that would rotate either way aiding in the placement of props and effects. Because I was bored, I really wanted the stage to go apeshit and spin really fast, sending the actors flying into the crowd. Not out of malice mind you, I just would get a laugh out of it. I also wanted the actors to stage-dive because that would be badass.
During the intermission, I made the concession that I would head to the concession stand. I wanted a beer or five. My date wanted some water. I got to thinking about after the play while in line. Getting out of the parking garage more specifically and how irritating that would be. I would need the effects of nicotine. Like Popeye needs his spinach to kick ass, I need a cigarette to tolerate some things.
The black man working the stand had dreads / braids, with little sea-shells dangling about in their non-oceanic manner. This guy could have cornered the hermit crab real estate market.
I knew that he would have a Newport. I love stereotypes and I love it even more when they're right.
I asked, "Hey man, can I bum a smoke from you?"
Most people say yes and so did he. He then proceeded to unbutton and unzip his pants. What? He un-tucked his shirt and began routing around beneath his pants. Thinking that he would procure his cock, I wanted to look away but couldn't. There was a train-wreck in his pants and goddammit I would see this thing through.
Sure enough, he pulled out his cock and rubber-banded to his member - I'm kidding. From the side of his pants, he took out a beat up soft pack of Newport 100's. He even let me pick from the pack, as if that makes it any better. I had just taken a cigarette from a man that housed them beneath his armor. People in line watched as I put the smoke behind my ear. It would have been rude to chuck the thing. The guy went through all of the trouble of routing around his pants in a theatre (see "re" always making me laugh that you have to distinguish the two), in front of numerous customers and getting me a cigarette.
People were staring at me and at the bent Newport 100 behind my ear. I needed to make an exit to alleviate these stares, so I threw down a smoke-bomb and vanished, Ninja Style.
I got back to my date and told her the story. I put the smoke in my jacket pocket and she had a good laugh. Leaving the theatre after the show, I wanted a cigarette. I knew where my common sense was as I reached into my pocket. Lighting up the cigarette, the world stopped and stared at me.
I took that first drag and the world began anew. Might as well see it through now. It's just one more thing to add to the list of reasons that I hate my conscience and common sense for.
Smoking is worse than heroin and crack.
User Reviews
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2006-03-10 23:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've read this before and meant to +2 it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if he can roll a joint with his nutsac?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-07 12:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure the best way to quit is to get pregnant. However, I get the feeling this will not be effective for you.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was hilarious. More reviews!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-09 21:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am quitting smoking. It's actually more like quitting the purchasing of cigarettes.
yep!!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-09 11:03:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-06 02:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with quitting.
I managed 5 weeks, then lapsed. Back on 20 a day.
-Dave
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-06 02:40:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this earlier but I don't think I rated.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2006-01-06 00:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
huh?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-05 19:24:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
never been a CIGARETTE smoker
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-01-05 18:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Newports will make your testicles shrivel up and fall off. I switched brands before they managed to fall off.
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-05 15:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uhhh....
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-01-05 15:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way you write, please write more.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-05 14:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:58:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Tasted kind of like dick. Not that I know what dick tastes like.
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Suuuuuuuuuure
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tasted kind of like dick. Not that I know what dick tastes like.
Ousted.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did it taste like chicken?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I went dry for most of August and September. It sucked. But I actually started to have some extra money in my bank account because of that.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:45:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:43:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh and Bob, I'm using the gum too. It's okay. Kinda works actually...
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:43:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:41:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Merlina: I quit drinking for a few weeks until I knew that I would be able to get all shitty-drunk and not light up.
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I know... I'm not drinking either. AND I'm watching what I eat after the Christmas blow out. I am SO fucking depressed.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Merlina: I quit drinking for a few weeks until I knew that I would be able to get all shitty-drunk and not light up.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least he didn't offer you a chew.
Nicotine gum helped me quit. Although it wasn't satisfying, it was barely enough good stuff to keep me from going on murderous rampages.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I quit on 31st Dec.
And y'know what? Its FINE first thing in the mornings. It's FINE during the day. It's the evenings in the pub that's hard. I might just start smoking only when I'm drinking.
Hopefully I won't become an alcoholic just to smoke.
Get to work - Morning all *hic* (30 mins later) I er... excuse me just going for a ..... guinness break.. woo hoo.........
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
i'm quitting too. it's been uhhh.... sincce new year's eve :)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hermit crabs and seashells.... Brilliant!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn! Damn! Damn! you. Now I want a smoke.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh out loud. Thanks, I needed that.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish Jared were here. We could blow vegetables together.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I quit almost 5 years ago and still want one now and again.
I hate Loki right now.
I don't want to know how JMG knows so much about feline fellatio.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA Hey I am just trying to help.
Sam smoked when we were in college. I think it was his little way of rebelling against his parents because at the time his dad was the head of the heart and lung association. I wanted him to quit, but I didn't want to nag him so I taught him how to play racquetball.
(pant pant pant) I have got to quit smoking.
Would you like to pay another game? It's your turn to serve.
Then the bastard quit smoking and I never EVER won another game. During the courtship ritual he left out the fact that he was on the tennis team in high school.
BAH
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know loki, based on your description of smoking, I think you'd write really good porn.
What?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever smoke a carrot? It's like giving Garfield head.
"I really wanted the stage to go apeshit and spin really fast, sending the actors flying into the crowd."
Hahahaha*snort*haha. I remember that Les Miz stage.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and stay away from James Dean movies
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, Loki. You can be a real bitch sometimes.
I mean that in the most cordial manner possible. =D
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:42:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate cigarettes...I've been a slave to them for too, too long.
I've been doing very well with not smoking and I intend to keep it that way.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:39:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks loki. I never thought of it that way.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:37:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm proud of you for quitting smoking.
just try not to think about it
Try not to visualize the feel of the smooth cigarette paper that sticks ever so slightly to the moisture of your lips. Try not to imagine the sound of the match flaring up and the sulfur singeing your nose as the fire settles down to a small blue, red, and yellow flame. Especially try not to picture the crinkly sound that the cigarette makes as you touch it with the end of the match. In particular try to forget how you would flick your wrist to put out the match and inhale deeply feeling the soothing caress of nicotine coursing through your veins.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
carrots maybe try eating carrots when you feel like lighting up
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have asked why they were in his pants. Did you ask why they were in his pants? I really would like to know. I keep mine in my pocket - I'm silly that way.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU INCONSIDERATE CUNTS!!!!!
I quit smoking yesterday. Quit talking about the joys of lighting up.
Well, I don't much care. Keep talking about it. Nothing I can do about it. It's all up to me, and I will fucking win this time.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:17:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah yeah, I'm poor and sometimes I have to smoke butts, go ahead and laugh. A-hole.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-01-05 12:07:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HAR HAR JEANNEEE TALKED ABOUT SMOKING BUTTS
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-05 11:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-05 11:45:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever smoked a butt from the ashtray outside your front door?
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Yes, but my ashtray is outside the back door.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-05 11:55:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, it's at the National Theatre. Going until the 21st. I bought the tix as an Xmas present. It was good, I'm just not into the whole musical thing.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-05 11:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah! is that where that bump
on your lip came from?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-05 11:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's playing at the National Theatre, right?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-01-05 11:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What a horrible job of MSPaint.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-05 11:45:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever smoked a butt from the ashtray outside your front door?