Birthday with a Red Balloon (734 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.42 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by whataefag (View user info) at 2006-01-05 12:59:10 EST
One of the disadvantages of being on speaking terms with my ex is the shit which spews out of every communication outlet the man can get his hands on. From mouth to ass, it's all drivel. Inappropriate jokes, bad puns, 'funny' links, he's like the fuckface at the office, only you *can* loudly tell him to fuck off. Though it doesn't help much.
Whataefag, is this going anywhere, you indignantly roar. Splay legged, and Blackadder-thespian-stylee, I yell back 'possibly - have you heard of something called Dwile Flonking?' Nor have I. Or rather, nor had I, until one drunken evening, my beloved ex tried to appraise me of the existence of this odd, drunken folk sport. I didn't believe a word of it. Broadly, it involves dancing in a circle and having a dishrag thrown at you. Naturally, such things get filed under "I'm not putting up with this shitsense". (Increasingly the largest of my mental filing compartments.) And I had almost forgotten about it until text message of this morning. Eight A.M. this morning, I might add.
You see, he tells tall tales, and usually all to set up a truly grotesque pun. Sitting down to dinner with him is essentially to partake in an unsolicited round of the Baron Munchausen Drinking Game: (http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=Baron+Munchausen+Drinking+Game&btnG=Google+Search). Yet instead of beginning 'Tell my baron of the time you rescued eighty Balinese pygmies from a Las Vegas bordello...' merely picking up cutlery invites nada. No, apparently this nonsense (http://www.bbc.co.uk/suffolk/going_out/pubs/2003/09/dwile_flonking/introduction.shtml#rhubarb) actually exists. And he feels the need to gloat about having done it. Oyy vez.
Speaking of stupid games, it'll be his birthday soon. Which means the Birthday Game. Despite inclinations to fortell yet more sick sexual exploits, I'll offer some advice: Anybody in a large retail outlet at six o clock on a birthday eve will be so desperate for a last-minute gift that they'll take anything. So just what can you sell them? Here are some suggestions:
"Ultra Gash Inferno"
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1840680393/qid=1136483596/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/102-9767870-3822565?n=507846&s=books&v=glance
Does exactly what it says. Nasty, nasty, sado-manga-jibberish. Graphically lovely, actually. It's pretty stylish. Pretty and stylish as well.
"White Trash Cooking"
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0898151899/qid=1136483688/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/102-9767870-3822565?s=books&v=glance&n=283155
This is stocked in bookstores because of an appropriately sick sense of humor amongst people who make $6.00 an hour. Alternately, because it's just wrong. The cattle agree - Austin's BookPeople sells about three a year. Let's make it four. How do I know? I check for it every time I'm in the store. An updated version has also been released, White Trash Cooking II.
"Messages from Your Angels"
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1401900496/qid=1136483621/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/102-9767870-3822565?s=books&v=glance&n=283155
This mad breeder woman looks a bit like Gillian McKieth, and also puts 'phd' after her name on the cover. Do I need to tell you anything else? Well, only that I believe it to be the actual worst book ever. There are also large playing cards available.
Other gift suggestions welcome.
User Reviews
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:17:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-01-05 16:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ultra Gash Inferno.
Man. You just gotta love the Japanese.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-05 16:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The links made a mess of this, but most everything surrounding their savage blueness was quality.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-05 15:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're really funny.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-05 15:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wait, what?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
White Trash Cooking? Is that like using a dipstick from a chevy to make kebabs?
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2006-01-05 13:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Look here....
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81917