A dreaded night scarred into my brain (slightly NSFW) (1602 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Dread Pirate Wesley <weasul-at-gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-01-06 05:17:15 EST
This happened to me a few months ago. My roommate, Hollywood, and I went to New York City to see Nine Inch Nails. The problem was that we were broke and we also wanted to drink that night. So we made a deal with our friend, LargeAsian, that we would clean his apartment the following day and he would buy us beer that night. It was a great deal, but had terrible consequences.
We left the venue and sent his siblings off to find their own way back. We were waiting when Hollywood turns to me and says, "How the fuck are we going to find LargeAsian? There's a sea of people out here!" Now, there is a reason why we call him LargeAsian. Picture your typical Asian. Now stretch that Asian out to 6'6", increase his weight to about 350lbs, and put him in a leather coat. It's kind of hard to miss a person that looks like that. I slapped Hollywood in the back of the head for being so stupid and then I saw a behemoth in the crowd. Sure enough, it was LargeAsian. He greeted us and led us off towards his apartment.
As we were walking down LargeAsian's street he informed us that he lives literally right above a bar that he has yet to visit. At least one of my friend's is living out a dream of mine, I think to myself. We all agree to go there and quickly head towards it.
After a brief walk we arrived at the bar. We entered and immediately notice that it's a complete and total shit hole. This bar falls below the cheap karaoke bar category, below the "only over 45" bar category, and even well below the rat bar category. There were literally only us three and a small group of five others there (One of which is female). Fuck it, we say, and agreed to stay.
We sat down and ordered three Bud Lights. The bartender gave us a long look and asked if we were in the band. I, being moronic and not seeing the possibility of comped beer, quickly answered no. Hollywood quickly responded with a well-timed punch and the bartender just laughed and gave us our beer. As soon as the sweet taste of beer hit my tongue, I knew this is going to be a bad night. We quickly pounded those and order three more. As soon as the next round was finished, LargeAsian told the bartender that he just moved in upstairs and ordered another round. She handed us our beers, and gave us three shots she had just randomly made up. They basically consisted of every single alcohol behind the bar. I grimaced as I picked up the glass, but I couldn't turn down free alcohol. I dropped the shot into my mouth and I found out it was surprisingly good. The next round was on the house. We continued throughout the night alternating between free and paid rounds and we were getting fed free shots throughout the night.
At one point, the bartender came to us and said, "I'm going to leave for about five minutes. I have to go get my dog." We were already pretty drunk at this point so we thought nothing of it. When she left, the female in the other group went behind the bar and made herself a drink. It was at this time I was telling a story to LargeAsian about how I was once woken up by a stranger just so he could tell me that I have "the coolest tattoo in the world" (it's the number pi out to 100 digits going around my right calf). The girl had overheard me saying this and quickly chimed in with her opinion stating, "No, I have the coolest fucking tattoo in the world." She then walked back around the bar to us where she lifted up the back of her shirt where the word "Harder" was tattooed on the small of her back. LargeAsian, Hollywood, and I all thought the same thing at the same time, "What a slut."
The bartender returned shortly after this encounter, and sure enough, she had her dog with her. It was then that it hit us that she really meant her pet dog. Whatever, I thought nothing of it and I decided to go talk to Harder. Harder turned out to be a body piercer at the tattoo studio down the road and she was there that night drinking with her coworkers. Well, I'm very into body modification, so we talked for quite awhile about all that good stuff. Then, completely unexpectedly, the dog jumped up on my lap and started to lick my face. If by lick I mean tried to devour my head whole. My friends got on me about it and I replied, "At least I'm getting action from one of the three chicks in this bar tonight."
It was at that point that everything changed. My vision went from blurred to doubled, my speech went from slurred to illegible, my walk changed to a drunken saunter, and I immediately thought I was going to get laid.
It was also that point that Harder decided to turn the conversation sexual. She asked the obligatory questions, and told me that her tattoo was there for a purpose. She then told me, "You're coming back to my place tonight, but I'm not going to fuck you." I knew I was in.
We all sat around drinking and talking some more when Hollywood and LargeAsian get up to go to White Castle. They tell me to come along, but I gladly declined. I was going to get some pussy, after all. Hollywood then leaned in and whispered to me, "Dude, you're wasted. Are you sure you want to do that? I mean, she's wearing a fucking coonskin hat!" Now, if I was sober, this would have set off giant flashing red alarms. However, I was heavily intoxicated and thought nothing of it. They stumbled off and left me with the tattoo parlor people until last call. Last call at 4:00AM. Being from Connecticut, where last call is 1:00AM pm weekdays and 2:00AM on weekends, this highly confused me, but I didn't linger on the thought and left with Harder.
Harder hailed a cab to her apartment and I was too drunk to even tell which way we were going. I had no clue as to the route that was traveled to this day. However, we did arrive at her apartment and she led me upstairs and into her room.
As soon as I walked into her room an awful smell hit me. It reeked of rodents. I asked her what the deal was to which she replied that she had 18 gerbils that she had taken across country with her. Again, alarms should have gone off, but I just wanted to get laid and I was too drunk to deal with anything but sex. She sat down in her bed, dimmed her Christmas lights (yes, her room was lit with Christmas lights), and told me to get naked. I stripped my clothes off and jumped into her bed. The instant I hit her bed, my back was in severe pain. At first I thought I just landed on her bed funny, but then I realized I was laying on something. I reached behind my back and grabbed on to a dildo. Yes, a dildo. And it wasn't a cute little pocket rocket, or even a mid sized clit banger. This dildo was a beast. This dildo was not made for humans. The head on it was bigger than my fist and it was longer than my forearm. I'm sure the vibration settings were "Low, Medium, High, and Tear-You-A-New-Asshole." Even though more alarms should have gone off, I was still way too drunk to care.
After I finally struggled with removing the dildo from my spine, she rolled on top of me and started make out with me. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say make out? I meant she started to remove the popcorn kernel that had been stuck in my throat for days. This didn't last long and groping and feeling started to occur. I really started to get upset. I wasn't at this random whore's house to have fun with foreplay, I wanted to fuck. I decided to be blunt about it. "Fuck this. Turn over; I'm putting it in your ass." Surprisingly, she quickly flipped over and I reached for her headboard to find a condom. I quickly found one, but as I was feeling around there, I felt several paddles and miscellaneous sex toys. I put the condom on and started fucking her like it was the last day of my life. I was pounding her faster than a fat girl eats cake. I was even running out of breath, but every time I looked down and saw the tattoo, I would just pump harder and faster. Then, brilliance struck me. She was a random whore. The odds of me seeing her again were slim to none. I reached for the sex toys and grabbed the first paddle I touched. At first I was nice, gently smacking her ass. But it wasn't long before my inner devil came out to play. I started to really wail on her ass with the paddle. That wasn't enough for me. I started to whack her sides, her back, I even reached around and was smacking her tits with all my strength, but still I was missing something. Then I saw it. I saw the gargantuan dildo sitting on the bed beside us. I placed the paddle back on the headboard and grabbed what was equivalent to Andre the Giant's penis. I don't know why I did it. It's one of the worst things I've ever done to a girl in my life. I just decided that it would be a good idea to smack her in the back of the head with it. I'm not talking a friendly, playful smack. This smack was a full-force, I'm-going-to-smash-your-brains-in smack. I don't remember anything after doing that. I don't know if either of us came, whether or not I caused severe brain damage to her, or even if her gerbils were applauding me for bashing their cruel owner.
I woke up drunk the next morning. I was, however, sober enough to realize what happened. I looked at Harder lying next to me. I quickly thanked all known gods that she wasn't fat. But I wasn't prepared for what I saw next. I rolled over her and looked at her face. Dear god. I didn't know that Medusa had an illegitimate daughter with Steve Buscemi. I freaked out. I had done fat girls before, but at least they had cute faces (hardly a justification, I know). I couldn't stand the fact knowing I had sex with a girl that was hideous. I jumped out of her bed, grabbed my clothes, and ran towards the door. Of course on my way to the door something had to happen. I tripped and hit the door face first. I turned around, nose bleeding, cursed the coonskin cap on the ground and glanced over to make sure she was still asleep. She was out like a rock and looked like one, too. I ran into her living room and put my pants on. I pulled on my shoes and shirt as I was running down the stairs of her apartment. I pissed just outside her apartment. I was in complete shock and needed to leave there immediately. Somebody still wanted to spite me, however, as when I got out of her building I realized her apartment complex was gated in. I had no key to get out. I ran around the corner and hid behind a dumpster in fear she would wake up and bellow for her gaping vagina to be filled once more. After about 20 minutes, I saw an old man walking towards the gate. I bolted towards him, scaring the life out of him. He opened the gate for me and then it hit me. I had no clue where I was. I know Manhattan fairly well, but I have no clue how to get around the other boroughs.
So there I was - lost, scared, penniless, and scarred for life. So I decided to walk until I recognized something from the prior night. As I was wandering around, I noticed something. I was the only white person around. I was the scared, little, white boy in an entirely black area of New York City that I did not know my way around. I tried not to let this bother me, but it still ended up getting at me.
I finally ended up somewhere I thought I recognized. I got some change from passersby and gave LargeAsian a call. He instructed me how to get back to his apartment. I glanced at my watch and noticed that it's 4:00PM. I had left the beast's apartment at 10:00AM.
I arrived at LargeAsian's apartment and cleaned the shit out of it. He didn't tell us that it was caked on dirt and cat hair that we had to clean. However, a deal is a deal and we cleaned it all up. After we were finished, we said our goodbyes and Hollywood and I headed back to campus.
We arrived back at campus fairly late that night. I sat down at my computer instantly and checked my e-mail as I do it compulsively. I noticed an e-mail from an address I didn't recognize. It was as follows:
"Waking up to an empty bed is disorienting when I know I parked a boy
there...especially without even a note!
I'm mostly curious about how you found your way out. :)
Contact info:
XXXXXXXXXXX
Zzzz...shower.
'Twas nice meeting you. Hope you enjoyed yourself, hope to see you again
sometime...
-Harder"
Apparently I had e-mailed myself from her computer to remind myself to find a Commodore 64 emulator for her. So she has one method of contacting me. I never replied and don't intend to, but the funny thing is that she is a regular at the bar LargeAsian lives above. He sees her regularly and she still asks, "Whatever happened to your friend?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-01-09 12:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't remember giving you permission to write about me.
And I am not THAT ugly........ asshole
Call me ;-)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-09 12:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-01-08 23:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-01-08 21:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh Heh Heh....'Harder'. Great story and well told.
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-01-08 19:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I nearly pissed myself reading this post, one of the best ever.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-01-08 19:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, well told. A true +2 if ever I saw one.
Submitted by Shmee51 (user info) at 2006-01-07 15:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's okay... just make sure you always explain just how fucking drunk you were that you couldn't see her face. Fuck "beer goggles"... just go straight to "whiskey blind".
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-01-07 05:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-06 07:13:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously though, Kill the Gerbils and buy her a 60 watt lightbulb and I think she'd be a pretty ace night in.
I mean you've not gone into specifics on the face there but in my humble experience all people look like shit in the morning light and generally a woman can look like anything as long as she doesn't smell. Unless she had a mean face. If a woman's got a mean face on her then that's no good. I mean you'd be able to have have vicious, angry, cock-bludgeoning sex but it wouldn't be nice you know? You'd inevitably start thinking of strict teachers with eyes like piss holes in the snow and that in turn would lead to thoughts of Julie the melancholy English teacher who was beautiful and afraid of life after the divorce.
I should have done that bird. That would have been ace. I had short hair back then though, so I'd have been too self conscious. Bygones be beagles and all that.
==============================================================
Well, first off, I'm one of those guys that thinks women look their best in the morning. I like seeing a girl in her rawest state, that way you can truely judge how beautiful (or not) they are.
Secondly, I shall give a brief description of her face. Her eyes were severly swollen and the bags under them made me wonder whether or not I punched her in the eye. It really looked like she had two black eyes. Her forehead was about twice the size of mine (she had a receeding hairline, and I have a giant Polish dome). Her nose was almost flat and the little tip she had pointed straight up. Not in a cute way, but in a "I can jam my fist into my nostril" kind of way. Under this excuse for a nose was a slight mustache. Her cheeks were pierced and there was no evidence of cheek bones. Yes, her cheeks were pierced and the holes were big enough to fit one of my fingers through. She had several scars from previous piercings she had all over her face. Her face was starting to sag and wrinkles were very visible. One of her worst features was that she had no earlobes. I'm going to guess that she had them stretched too much and then had them cut off. And beneath her stubble was a butt chin. I fucking hate butt chins! Damn everyone who says I look like Ashton Kutcher! He has a butt chin, I do not! I hate you all! err...
Plus, she didn't shave her armpits.
As for the suggestions that I take her up as a fuck buddy, I think I'm going to pass on that. While it would be great to just go over and abuse her as I please, I would really rather have sex with someone attractive. And young.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:23:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I am new and i like your moniker
+2 cause I'm the ugly slut at the bar who likes it against the back of my head with a monster dildo
(i am so glad you didn't shove that thing in her and do double pen.)
<3 you never called!
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:08:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what a sweet story to tell your grandson some day.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:45:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and you have the new best uber-user name ever.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep on rockin' in the free world!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2006-01-06 11:57:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
freaking hilarious
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-01-06 11:41:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
those are cool tattooos
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-06 10:45:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-01-06 10:19:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had a similar experience, but not as funny as yours. Who cares what her face looks like if she lets you fuck her in the ass on a presumably one night stand? do her doggy style so you don't have to look at her face. definitely fuck-buddy material, from what i can tell.
job well done!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-06 10:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-06 09:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
e-mail her back you fool. It sounds like you have the perfect fuck buddy. Abusing women can be soooooo much fun (admitedly marginally less so when they get a kick out of it too)or do you think you'll never get that horny again.
However there is a definate Bunny Boiler potential so DO NOT give her your number.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-06 08:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-06 07:13:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously though, Kill the Gerbils and buy her a 60 watt lightbulb and I think she'd be a pretty ace night in.
I mean you've not gone into specifics on the face there but in my humble experience all people look like shit in the morning light and generally a woman can look like anything as long as she doesn't smell. Unless she had a mean face. If a woman's got a mean face on her then that's no good. I mean you'd be able to have have vicious, angry, cock-bludgeoning sex but it wouldn't be nice you know? You'd inevitably start thinking of strict teachers with eyes like piss holes in the snow and that in turn would lead to thoughts of Julie the melancholy English teacher who was beautiful and afraid of life after the divorce.
I should have done that bird. That would have been ace. I had short hair back then though, so I'd have been too self conscious. Bygones be beagles and all that. """
i've done worse than this post.
hahahahaha
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-06 08:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoops
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-01-06 08:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
we already had that conversation.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-01-06 08:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dread Pirate Roberts...ROBERTS!
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-06 07:57:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A nice little tale, probably slightly longer than it needed to be though.
Oh, and you only need the NSFW if there is a risque or offensive pic.
But a dildo to the back of the head? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-06 07:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Giant dildo slapping in the back of the head is a rad treat for a young lady.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-06 07:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously though, Kill the Gerbils and buy her a 60 watt lightbulb and I think she'd be a pretty ace night in.
I mean you've not gone into specifics on the face there but in my humble experience all people look like shit in the morning light and generally a woman can look like anything as long as she doesn't smell. Unless she had a mean face. If a woman's got a mean face on her then that's no good. I mean you'd be able to have have vicious, angry, cock-bludgeoning sex but it wouldn't be nice you know? You'd inevitably start thinking of strict teachers with eyes like piss holes in the snow and that in turn would lead to thoughts of Julie the melancholy English teacher who was beautiful and afraid of life after the divorce.
I should have done that bird. That would have been ace. I had short hair back then though, so I'd have been too self conscious. Bygones be beagles and all that.
Submitted by Spacey (user info) at 2006-01-06 07:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That brightend up my day, in a kind of wierd, sick way!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-06 06:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got a Commodore 64 lying about if you want it. If the price is right. Pop us an email.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-06 06:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2006-01-06 06:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool story
Submitted by Smithens (user info) at 2006-01-06 06:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well told!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-06 05:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, at least she can spell.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-01-06 05:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for the name...don't care what this says...it's all about the name.
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-01-06 05:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She WILL hunt you down, and she WILL hurt you, and you WILL like it and ask for more
Submitted by MavisMing (user info) at 2006-01-06 05:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, nice use of words and stuff.
Should have left a note.