A Boring Thing Happened When I Went to the Opera. (2805 hits)
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Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2006-01-06 12:31:44 EST
At the end of 2005 my girlfriend put her name in drawing for Opera tickets. She's an English teacher at a glitzy private school in UpperClassville, NYC, and apparently these Opera Tickets are to die for. Well, on Monday she goes to her mailbox in the faculty lounge and Blammo!, she gots some tickets to the Opera.
Die Fledermaus, get ready for Will Zone....because I'm gonna see you n' shit!
Wednesday, 5:15PM.
When I get home from work I change into what I assume are appropriate Opera clothes. I put on "nice" dress pants, a "nice" tie, and a "nice" brand new sweater. My roommate pokes his head in my room and asks what I'm getting all dressed up for. That's when I drop the bomb.
"I'm going to the Opera, good sir." I say. "And I very well can't go in looking like a hayseed."
I jump in the car and I'm off.
Wednesday, 5:45PM: I'm on 14th and 3rd Ave
Wednesday, 6:00PM: I'm on 15th and 3rd ave.
Wednesday, 7:00PM. I park on 68th and Columbus.
So after a frantic drive through mid-town Manhattan, I park the company car quite illegally and walk towards the Met. The MET is located in Lincoln Center which is the glitzy complex that rich people go to be entertained. Lincoln Center houses the Met and the big ballet building and a fancy-pants Arts library...oh yea, and a big fountain...because Richies love spurting liquid.
I meet my lady by the fountain and we compliment each other on how well we compliment each other.
As my friend Jerry would say "We look Tits!"
Arm in arm we walk into the Met (Metropolitan Opera House) and let me just say...impressive. Very rarely am I floored by architecture, but this building is gorgeous. Symmetrical staircases, red velvety walls, chandeliers all hangin' round up in dis muthafucka!. As Jerry would say "This place is totes Tits!" NYC still amazes me. I love this fucking town.
We find our seats, get our playbills and start to people watch. We quickly realize that our demographic, those under 40 with a full head of hair, happens to be the minority in the room. Old people love the Opera. I don't know why. Nor do I care.
Die Fledermaus is in 3 acts and will last from 7:30PM till 7:30AM....or, actually 11:30PM...anyway, it's a long show.
What is Die Fledermaus? Well it's a comedy that's not very funny. There is lots of singing in German. There's boring dialogue between the wailing that's thankfully in English. Here's a brief synopsis stolen from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_Fledermaus:
"The Baron von Eisenstein has been committed to prison for eight days for insulting an official, partly through the inefficiency of his attorney, the stuttering Dr. Blind, and is to begin his imprisonment this day. His friend, Notary Falke, however, persuades him to postpone it until the morrow and to accompany him to a ball at the residence of Prince Orlofsky, where he will meet the handsome ladies of the opera ballet. Falke had been at a masked ball the previous winter, costumed as a bat, and had been compelled by Eisenstein to walk to his home in broad daylight to the joy and amusement of the populace. He hopes to find an opportunity for vengeance at the coming ball. Eisenstein accepts the invitation, and telling his wife he is going to prison, and taking a mournful farewell of her and the maid Adèle, hastens with Falke to the ball. (Are you actually reading this!?!?) After his departure Rosalinde, his wife, is visited by a former admirer, the singing teacher, Alfred, whose behaviour is rather free. The night has set in and Frank, the governor of the prison, has come to take Eisenstein to jail. He finds Alfred taking his ease attired in a smoking jacket, and he, in order not to compromise Rosalinde, moved by her prayers, is induced to represent himself as Eisenstein and to accompany Frank. Falke, who has received plein pouvoir from Prince Orlofsky, has also invited the governor of the prison, Frank, the maid Adèle, and to complete the joke, Rosalinde, to be his guests at the ball. The latter, in order to observe her husband, appears masked. She is introduced by Falke as an Hungarian countess, and succeeds during an amorous tête-à-tête in abstracting from the pockets of her husband his valuable watch, to use in the future as evidence of his impropriety. (the opera is as interesting as this description) Frank has paid court to Adèle, and the next morning they all find themselves in prison, when the confusion increases, for Falke has introduced Eisenstein as Marquis Renard, Frank as Chevalier Chagrin and Adèle as an actress. It is still further increased by the jailer, Frosch, who has profited by the absence of the prison director to become gloriously drunk. Adèle arrives to obtain the assistance of the Chevalier Chagrin, Eisenstein to begin his prison term, Alfred wants to get out of jail, Rosalinde to commence action for divorce, and Frank is still intoxicated. (as Jerry would say "This opera ain't Tits, its el moderoso in the pants.") Frosch locks up Adèle and her sister Ida, and the height of the tumult has been reached when Falke arrives with all the guests of the ball and declares the whole as an act of vengeance for the "Fledermaus." Everything is amicably arranged, but Eisenstein is compelled to serve his full term in jail.
7:30PM: Die Fledermaus Begins.
7:31PM: I'm incredibly bored by everything Die Fledermaus.
8:45PM: Act I ends.
At three points during the first act my heavy head fell to the side in a split second of sleep, only to be jerked upright again when I realized I had indeed fallen asleep. I've had more fun staring at light bulbs, closing my eyes and seeing the blobs of color dance around. I've had more fun trying to shit out constipation. I've had more fun swallowing vomit while talking to a pretty girl in a bar. I've had more fun eating White Castle. I've had more fun getting dropkicked in the throat.
FUN OPERA FACT: Did you know that the cast comes out and takes a bow after each Act? Well, they do. Now you know.
So now its intermission number one. Opera intermission is unlike anything I've ever seen before. Everyone leaves the house and strolls through the lobby. Some people eat full meals. People are chatting and smiling and talking about their favorite parts of the Act. And it lasts for like half hour, for the people who are bored and want it all to end a half hour is like an eon. My lady and I people watched some more and drank over-priced shitty champagne.
9:15PM: Act II begins.
When the curtain comes up to reveal the set change I hear at least 5 people in my area whisper things like "Unbelievable," "Gorgeous," "Stunning," "Tits," or "Riveting." The only entertaining part of this act was when my lady slipped off her boot and started rubbing her stockinged foot up and down my leg. We then started pinching each other really hard to try to get the other one to yelp aloud. When playing this game no one wins.
I completely lost interest when the Prince starting singing a song about wine and how the particular wine they were drinking was the "King of Wines." My eyeball was twitching. I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed out.
10:15PM: Act II ends.
My lovely lady turned to me and said "We have to leave now, is that cool?"
"That's the best idea I've ever heard."
So we leave. We give our tickets to some stragglers left outside who want to see the third act for free. No problem. Enjoy. So even though we didn't finish Die Fledermaus, we saw only "Die Fleder-", I'm still glad I went to the Opera. I now know that I dislike the Opera and will never go again. I've checked "seeing an Opera" off my list of things to do before I die. Next on the list "Going Snowboarding with the Fanta girls."
Wanna Fanta? Don'tchoo wanna? Wanna FANTA!
Oh Uber, fat lady...begin singing.
Will
User Reviews
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2006-01-15 23:32:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-01-07 04:12:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just detest Wagner so much that I don't understand why anyone would even want to see the entire Ring cycle, let alone fly to Germany to go see it.
Worst opera I've seen was Eugene Onegin by Tchaikovsky. Now that, was boring.
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tell me about it.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-01-07 04:12:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just detest Wagner so much that I don't understand why anyone would even want to see the entire Ring cycle, let alone fly to Germany to go see it.
Worst opera I've seen was Eugene Onegin by Tchaikovsky. Now that, was boring.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-01-07 03:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been too far too many operas, and far too few that I have found enjoyable.
My dad once flew to Germany to see Wagner's entire Ring Cycle in a series of concerts.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-01-07 03:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-07 03:10:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have seen some Wagner.
That bastard will keep you awake.
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Ha. Hahahaha.
Good one.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-01-07 03:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have seen some Wagner.
That bastard will keep you awake.
-Dave
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-06 20:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone should see some opera before they die.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-01-06 17:09:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Why couldn't you stay retired?
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2006-01-06 16:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I too have suffered the awfulness of the opera, except the one I saw had something to do with a magical flute or some shit. I was rather young but the pain has stuck with.
Oh, and since you live in NYC, please stand outside the stagedoor for the Lion King and beat the shit out of one of the puppeteer 'actors'. It doesn't matter which one, but preferebly the one who played Scar.
Seeing that play made me want to shoot bleach into my eyes whilst having my balls riveted to the underside of a steel girder
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-01-06 16:20:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
story was kinda funny, but I'm really +2ing is the White Castle! Man I wish we had those down here...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-06 16:04:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:24:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey dude, Will you Zone me?
====
Will zone for food.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey dude, Will you Zone me?
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:52:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
You made my eyeballs bleed with the description. "
did you catch the hidden messages in it?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You made my eyeballs bleed with the description.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
That's why I only -1-ed you this time...I KNEW that YOU KNEW it was coming.
That's the beauty of Uber...predictability isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"A boring thing happened to me, too, when I read this post. "
I saw that quote coming from a mile away...surprised it didn't pop up sooner. Shlongy, you never fail to impress me.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not Bat-man.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
A boring thing happened to me, too, when I read this post.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
my wife is a professional opera singer.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm...
Snowboarding, opera, The Fanta Girls, and alcohol will all be at the Poconos Ubercon...along with me and mickginny.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:09:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
"What! Does that mean you've already done the threesome with the Japaniese twins? "
Yes, but not with Asian Twins...2 lovely ladies like a yeaar ago this week. I'm the luckiest fatman in the world.
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It would appear so.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:00:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Mallrats reference
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Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:46:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"What! Does that mean you've already done the threesome with the Japaniese twins? "
Yes, but not with Asian Twins...2 lovely ladies like a yeaar ago this week. I'm the luckiest fatman in the world.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:58:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tiger can be the one with the sash.
Since, you know...she's tilting and all.
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BWahahahaha
I didn't even spot that. She wouldn't even have to wear one of her Jem wigs.
You know that would be hot as hell.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-01-06 13:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Mallrats reference
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Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:46:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tiger can be the one with the sash.
Since, you know...she's tilting and all.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still glad I went to the Opera. I now know that I dislike the Opera and will never go again. I've checked "seeing an Opera" off my list of things to do before I die. Next on the list "Going Snowboarding with the Fanta girls."
What! Does that mean you've already done the threesome with the Japaniese twins?
Bastard!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't find any of those Fanta girls the least bit attractive. Something wrong with all of them. When I first saw them I did the normal male thing and looked over them all to see which one was the most bangable, and I realized that none of them were really very pretty.
I guess they decided to try and lump a bunch of mediocrity together and see if it would make one attractive unit. That was a failed experiment.
There are much hotter women right here on Uber. For next Halloween I want to see Pentameter, TigerLilly, Filthy Assistant and Ainkara dressed up like those chickies. That would be the hotness.
Good post.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Germans don't have a sense of humor. Unless you count the whole Holocaust thing. <ducks>
It's a joke, people. I'm German.
Anyhow, good story.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-01-06 12:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that jimthefiend?