The Panda (838 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.94 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2006-01-06 14:23:27 EST
Logged upon a website dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I pondered, nearly posting, suddenly I sensed a boasting,
As of some one gently ranking, ranking stories that don't bore.
"'Tis some alter," I did mutter, "ranking stories that don't bore—
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember it was the eleventh hour,
And each separate dying alter wrought its wrath amidst the roar.
Eagerly I wished Most Heated; —vainly I had fought and bleated
From my shitposts filled of sorrow—sorrow for those lost before—
For the rare and radiant maidens labeled by the rest as slore —
Nameless here forever more.
And the soiled laborious writing of each author unexciting
Most unskilled - they filled me with fantastic terrors felt before;
So that now, to still the upload of my story, I stood stating,
"'Tis some alter or new user anxious for the tales of yore—
Some dumb alter or new user anxious for the tales of yore;
This it is and nothing more."
As I wrote, my wit grew stronger, hesitating then no longer,
"N00b", said I, "or Method, truly your good patience I implore;
But the fact is I was wanking, and so gently you came ranking,
And so gently you came ranking, ranking stories that don't bore,
That I scarce was sure I saw you"—here I checked my posts of yore—
Previous hits and nothing more.
Deep into my laptop peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming tales that Uber might have never dreamt before;
But the CPU lay idle, and my thoughts turned suicidal,
To the lonely, distant memories of those maidens lost before.
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back most softly, "Slore!"—
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the Uber turning, all my bile within me churning,
Soon again I sensed a boasting somewhat stronger than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is Bart or someone of great status;
Let me see, then, what thereat is and this mystery explore—
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; —
'Tis a n00b or nothing more."
So as my post I submitted, then, with entrance not permitted,
There appeared a stately Panda with a feminine rapport.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of badassmofo, ranked and camped out on my yore—
Ranked with sultry heated fervor, camping out upon my yore—
Ranked, and camped, and nothing more.
Then the bear, named MandaPanda, offered up her propaganda,
As I sat befuddled, paralyzed upon my home's veranda.
"Since thy crotch be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art surely maven,
For your breasts most firm and large on Uber I have seen before—
Tell me what thy holy purpose is for camping on my yore!"
Quoth the Panda, " Do me more."
Much I marveled at the phrasing of this mammal most amazing,
Though her answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing Manda on his bedroom floor—
Beast or bear with such a perfect bust upon his bedroom floor,
With such name as "Do me more."
MandaPanda, sitting lonely on my newborn post, spoke only
That one phrase, as if its soul in that one phrase she did outpour
Nothing further then she uttered; nothing further then she sputtered—
Till I scarcely more than muttered: "Other girls have come before—
On the morrow you will leave me, as the maidens of before."
Then the bear said, "Do me more."
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what she utters is that typical of slore,
Desperate for some attention that with proper intervention
Could have saved her purity for someone she would adore.
Yet the dirges of her Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of 'Do me - do me more.'"
As I sat there still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Suddenly she showed up unexpectedly outside my door;
Then, upon the sofa sinking, I betook myself to thinking
Of what Manda might prefer - would she like soft porn or hardcore?
What was going through the mind of this female with such rapport
As she uttered, "Do me more?"
With my eyes upon her staring, MandaPanda stood there baring
All from head to toe to bosom as she lingered on my floor.
This and more I found most gripping, whilst the girl before me stripping
Sat upon the cushion by me that the candles gloated o'er,
With a look of passion, then a flurry of esprit de corps,
As she stated, "Do me more!"
Then, methought, the air grew thicker, as she tempted me to dick her,
Swinging both her mammary glands before me whilst she knelt down on the floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite—respite and nepenthe from thy memories of slore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget those lost before!"
Quoth the Panda, " Do me more."
"Temptress!" said I, "thing of evil! —temptress still, if bear or devil! —
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this Ubersite you've haunted—
On my post in which you've flaunted—tell me truly, I implore—
Truly—truly, do you want me?—tell me—tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the Panda, " Do me more."
"Temptress!" said I, "thing of evil! —temptress still, if bear or devil!
By that Bart that moderates us - by that Bart we both adore -
Tell me with no reservation if, exempting masturbation,
I shall have a sainted maiden whom the angels named before -
Yes, a rare and radiant maiden of the oft remembered slore."
Quoth the Panda, " Do me more."
"Take your legs I now see parting and prepare, " I shrieked, upstarting,
"for a mighty penis of the likes you've never seen before!"
Then submitting, never stopping, on my third leg she was propping
Up her luscious frame for nigh upon five hours, never sore.
As I crumpled on my davenport, near hinting at a snore,
Manda quothed, "Do me more."
MandaPanda, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
With her ample bust and figure waiting by my chamber door;
And her eyes have all the seeming of a mistress that is dreaming
And the lamp-light o'er her streaming throws her shadows on the floor;
And my soul recalls that sweet refrain from fortnights long before,
As she utters, "Do me more!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-05-25 11:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quoth the Murphy, "Bravo Thorns!"
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-19 14:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For Poe's birthday.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-07 09:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-06 22:37:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:05:11 (#)
Ranking: 1
A Poe ripoff, but okay.
_______
Stupidity that defies words.
===========================
I thought the same thing, but didn't want to waste space arguing with him (her?).
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-01-06 22:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:05:11 (#)
Ranking: 1
A Poe ripoff, but okay.
_______
Stupidity that defies words.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-06 22:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-01-06 22:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was fucking good.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dug it.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:09:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
parody poetry ripe with uber references....
a +2 for time spent writing it.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A Poe ripoff, but okay.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 15:04:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:59:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
I can think of several forms of compensation in addition to a +2. :)
What do you think, Orgasmatron? New rule of +2 and automatic blowjob from anyone we write a poem about? As second-poet-in-command, I call for a second to the motion.
---
Motion approved, Viceroy Thorns.
Manda, please schedule a time with the receptionist to service your account and pay the balance owed.
Or 'blowed.'
GET IT?
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHApenis.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:50:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to say after that. This deserves wayyyy more than a +2.
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I can think of several forms of compensation in addition to a +2. :)
What do you think, Orgasmatron? New rule of +2 and automatic blowjob from anyone we write a poem about? As second-poet-in-command, I call for a second to the motion.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:55:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY POEM-Y GOODNESS!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:49:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:45:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for tackling trochaic octameter, too.
-----------------------------------------
Well, I tried tickling the trachea of Pentameter, if you know what I mean, but trochaic octameter was easier.
---
Should'a just laid her on her back. Opens up the neck more.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to say after that. This deserves wayyyy more than a +2.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:45:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for tackling trochaic octameter, too.
-----------------------------------------
Well, I tried tickling the trachea of Pentameter, if you know what I mean, but trochaic octameter was easier.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for tackling trochaic octameter, too.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:39:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:33:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto "esprit de corps" +2
---------------------------
I've been dying to incorporate that phrase into a poem or story for some time now. It wasn't easy.
---
I know what you mean. I've been trying to work "ripped her eraser-like puffy nipple" into something for weeks now.
Oh, and "anus like a Mitsubishi Diamante" too.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:39:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:33:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto "esprit de corps" +2
---------------------------
I've been dying to incorporate that phrase into a poem or story for some time now. It wasn't easy.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck this, I'm not reading all that...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:30:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Captain! Where have you been?
--------------------------------
Eh, my computer got a damn virus at work Wednesday and they had to rebuild it. Hence my absence.
I've also been working at home on a barrage of music recordings done during the Christmas break. I plan to unleash that on Uber next week every day until I take off for London on the 14th for two weeks. Was glad to get this idea off the shelf and finish it today though.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:34:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yes.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto "esprit de corps" +2
This was mandapanderrific.
This was mantastic.
This included a "penis the likes of which you've never seen before."
Orgasm, thou art humbled.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tight.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Captain! Where have you been?
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:28:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-01-06 14:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was done because I had promised Manda a poem way back when. Edgar Allen Poe seemed to fit the bill pretty well. Enjoy.