Metal Gear Solid: straight propaganda? (1186 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.58 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by D0S (View user info) at 2006-01-07 22:03:52 EST
In this dark age of terrorism and corporate corruption, it is curious that the mainstream media would have failed to impart the greatest danger of all. I speak of Metal Gear Solid, a video game franchise that has been left free to rock our faces something fierce, and change our youth into mullet-wearing bad ass mofos.
Just what is this "game" and why is it so ruthlessly awesome? Even the most novice of gamers will tell you that it is Solid Snake, not Super Mario, who should hold claim to the throne of awesomness. Simply put, one does not become legendary just by smoking, banging Asian chicks and eating crocodiles, live or dead. Famous, maybe, but not legendary. No, the only thing "legendary" about Snake is his sheer amount of manliness, quite a rarity among the inhabitants of Earth, if I do say so myself.
As Solid Snake infiltrates government facilities, wearing his bad ass sneaking suit and wielding his trusty silenced 9mm handgun, one has to stop and wonder: is he really looking for the bad guys? Nope. That's because this crafty motherfucker uses a little something called stealth. It seems he would have found a way to keep the world safe from freaky looking terrorists by now. But no, the freaky terrorists just never know when to quit, time and time again. The reason is simple: these dumbasses think Snake is some regular GI Joe. It would only make sense, then, that he would be easy to defeat in combat. WRONG! Get this shit; Snake's a genetic copy, a clone of his old man, none other than the greatest soldier of all time, BIG BOSS.
There is a cause for concern, however. What with all this badassery being thrown around. What Konami doesn't want you to know is that this so-called "Metal Gear Solid" is a tool, designed by the American Government, made and distributed by Japanese, to recruit our children and convert them to a life of drinking, smoking, shooting AK 47s, blowing up tanks, sabotaging enemy installations, snapping necks, banging Russian spies (with big hooters) on fur rugs and kun-fu kicking the shit out of flying squirrels. The United States is powerful and well um... united, and will stop at nothing to turn an entire world into clones of this covert agent/sex symbol.
It should be noted that the Foundation was not always so harmonious. Reports have surfaced concerning a turmoil prior to the release of Snake's latest manifestation, "Snake Eater" in which several senior-level staff members argued against the merits of allowing the main character to receive random oral sex with any and all of the female characters present in the game. Unfortunately, The feature was removed once the programmers realized that the female character's mouths were not big enough to properly engage in such acts with Snake's unit. It would've taken months to re-code, and the U.S. was pushing down hard on the Japs to get this game into little wannabe badasses hands as soon as possible. Here's a quote from the creator of Metal Gear Solid, Hideo Kojima:
"We've come too far just to ruin it all! Sure, in a not-so perfect world we would give him (snake) a regular sized penis. In a not-so perfect world, we would cut his hair and give him a real job! Like a real estate investor! But thank god videogames don't account for the real world."
The senior staffer's hope of making the title of the game "Snake Eater" reflect felatio from hot Russian babes was denied, and the idea has since been applied to that of actually eating snakes to stay alive in the videogames jungle environment. But its not too late to hope that one day, there will be a true sequel to Metal Gear Solid, one were our mullet man can blow up all the terrorists and bang all the Asian chicks he wants, without having to suffer from lack of development time.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-01-09 11:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have long since given in to the temptations of MGS and am cuurently attempting to grow some Solid Snake type facial hair.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-01-09 06:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EvolvedChicken (user info) at 2006-01-08 15:45:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Metal Gear Solid is meant for men who listen to retro Metallica and eat beef jerky.
Well goddamn if I don't do all three.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-08 18:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EvolvedChicken (user info) at 2006-01-08 15:45:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Super Mario Bros. is a stoner's game at heart. Metal Gear Solid is meant for men who listen to retro Metallica and eat beef jerky.
------------------------------
Metallica and Beef Jerky?
HELL YEAH
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-01-08 16:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i've played MGS1 and 2 so many times. i just now got MGS3...i'm really eager to play it.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-01-08 16:01:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucked a nip, she was tight.
Submitted by EvolvedChicken (user info) at 2006-01-08 15:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Super Mario Bros. is a stoner's game at heart. Metal Gear Solid is meant for men who listen to retro Metallica and eat beef jerky.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-08 13:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-08 11:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shit sammich.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-01-08 09:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-08 09:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Duke Nuke'em fucked strippers WHILE blowing up flying pig-cops with a rocket launcher, though...
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-01-08 02:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by detective_mike_ohara (user info) at 2006-01-07 23:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Detective Mike O'Hara is a fictional character. I am the real, one and only Detective Mike Ohara.
This is his (my) account. Now, fictional characters can't type, but their creators can, and whatever the creator chooses to have the fictional character do is what he does. So *officially*, as my creator types this, I say it on Ubersite, for he is my master.
- Mike
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-07 23:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice parody,
but who is the real detective mike o'hara? http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177
Submitted by detective_mike_ohara (user info) at 2006-01-07 23:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for a good read
+1 because I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this is satirical.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-07 22:05:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
inspiration
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82008