how the other side lives - why, yes, I'm an artist, I mostly dabble in shit - part 1(?) (1520 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.71 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2006-01-09 13:11:00 EST
I got into my line of work mostly for the advocacy side of the job, the warm and fuzzy help out the less fortunate, older people, young children, the disabled, your Electro types...
I do a lot of research and I write a lot, legislative language, press releases, advertising blurbs, a whole grab bag of shit. It's not an uncommon day where I don't have a forty page report to bang out from scratch. I'm not sure how I do this and still manage to Uber for seven hours of the nine hour work day...it's one of the Universes many mysteries
These are the things I like about my job, consequently I do them well.
I hate the part of my job that involves legislators, politicians, other lobbyists and any combinations of some or all of those things.
I have to go to receptions and parties for this type of person as another aspect of my job. These consist of mingle and drink time, followed by eating and drinking time, followed by give- me- money- speech time, and then finished up with more mingle and drink time.
I like a good meal. I really like a free good meal.
I like good booze. I LOVE free good booze.
But..., forced social interaction doesn't work well for me. I have to put on my liar face and pretend to be a guy who cares about what these people are saying. It makes me tired. I feel like a plastic person after doing this for too long...I don't care about these people or what they have to say.
Now my line of work is conspiring to ruin these, the better things in my life.
At the last little soiree of this nature I found myself seated at a table with two other lobbyists, a potential candidate for Lieutenant Governor, a few state representatives, and another candidate for statewide office.
The topics of conversation ran from:
How much money I have, to
How much money I'd like to have, to
Why that guy doesn't deserve the money he has, to
Why the gays don't deserve any protection (I was amongst Republicans), to....
The anonymous statewide candidate started ringing bells in my mind. I know him because he already serves as an elected official, in my capacity as a lobbyist I've dealt with him a lot. Every time I walked into his office there was that little nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I knew him.
He stood up to excuse himself to go to the bathroom....and that's when I remembered.
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When I ran my first restaurant we catered to the political crowd a lot.
During legislative session the various politicians and lobbyists who pollute my town accounted for probably 70% of our business. This is like their mini-Vegas. What they do here stays here. I broke up my share of bar fights and bitch slapping sessions when two power chasing whores decided they didn't want to share their keeper anymore.
Now, in this chapter of my life, I get to meet their wives or husbands when I go on district visits. At home I get to meet the second wives, husbands, random pieces of ass etc.
Weeknights, when they were in town, we did better business than any weekend of the year, excepting Valentines Day, Mothers Day and New Year.
The parking lot of my restaurant would be filled with cars more expensive than the average home in my town and the pompous assholes ran wild.
Though not part of them at that point, I overheard enough of them to know the conversations still ran about the same:
How much money we have,
How much money we'd like to have,
Why that guy doesn't deserve the money he has........
Arrogant assbags the whole lot of them. These are people who really do say, "Do you know who I am?", when they think you haven't kissed their ass enough. I enjoyed taking as much of their money as I possibly could. Prices ran a lot higher during session days.
At least once a week during this time of year we had a little problem in the ladies room.
Well, I guess it might not be a problem if you don't mind scrubbing shit off of walls. Or ceilings.
She was a master of her art form.
Flowers composed in light brown shit. Trees ands dogs and little people with the darker stuff. Delightful fecal landscapes, Bob Ross would have been proud.
Occasionally there would be nice abstract work. Two eyes on side of the head, blocky facial features kind of stuff. Always done with an eye to perfection.
Some nights her meals didn't agree with her...those were the Jackson Pollack nights. Random globs and splatters, speckled across the walls. There had to be some meaning to be found in this seemingly meaningless random creation.
There were other occasions where we would find shit like this, but our little friend had a few special trademarks to her work.
She always pissed all over the floor before she left and she always made sure to coat the door handles with the leftover shit, as a gesture of generosity I guess. Everyone got to share in handling her crap that way.
I never caught her the first year, but after session was over the poo drawings stopped. When the Legislature came back to town, the fecal expressions started anew.
I started eyeing the women's bathroom door, trying to check as often as possible. I didn't clean the shit, but I didn't want my workers to have to do it any longer either.
Session was drawing to a close and I still hadn't managed to catch the poo portraitist.
As the night got closer to its end I'd shut down one set of the restrooms, to let the crew get a head start on shutting down the place.
I'd walk the building, check both bars, check the floor and then check on the closed bathrooms to lock them off from the public. I always called out after opening the door to the women's room to make sure it was empty. It was a single stool room so generally if the door wasn't locked, the place was empty.
I opened the door after one long day and was assailed with the smell of shit. I called out and nobody answered so I pushed in to assess the damage I could already smell.
And there she was, crap in hand. It was oozing out between her fingers as she made broad strokes across the walls with her anal leavings. Her expensive shoes were splattered in her urine. She was so intent in her work that she simply didn't hear me. That night was an effort in Cubism.
After the initial confrontation, I had the woman out in the hall waiting to call the police.
Around the corner came our friendly anonymous statewide candidate at that time a state representative...
"What's going on here?"
"I'm going to send your wife to jail for the night..."and I proceeded to explain why she was going.
"Do you know who I am? My DATE is leaving with me, now, and neither I nor anyone I work with will ever be coming to this fucking shithole again. That kind of accusation just earned you a date in court you little motherfucker..."
Then she spoke up. "He caught me doing it." She still had shit under her fingernails.
This stopped him dead. He looked at her, at me, and then down at the floor running his hands through his hair, tense as hell...
He reached into his inner suit pocket and pulled out a billfold.
"A thousand bucks. That should take care of this, right? ...I won't bring her back here ever again." And he pushed a wad of money at me.
"Yeah sure. That'll do it. The mops over there, once she gets done, get out and I'll forget about it. Just don't come back." I grabbed his cash. Why not?
This didn't go over well, to say the least. When I pulled the phone out of my pocket and started dialing, they shut up, he went outside and she grabbed the mop.
-------------
His hair is white now. Few more wrinkles. Nicer suits. Still, it's the same guy.
This cat was not only cheating on his wife, he was fucking doing it with a chick who played in her own shit as an extracurricular activity.
I always used to feel out of place around these people. I'm always a little intimidated by their money, their power. Like my suit isn't quite as expensive, I don't have the refined taste, the same sense of culture...I always feel a little looked down on.
I'm a plain guy.
I like to read and garden and ride my bike. I can't afford to take a vacation to a different continent every time I decide I want to. I like beer, good stuff when I'm buying for everyone else, when it's me at home alone it's Pabst Blue Ribbon as often as Guinness or Stella or Fat Tire. I like dogs and softball and boxing. I work on my own car, the old one anyway, and I take care of my own house. I won't pay someone to do something that I can do for myself
I like music. Old Delta blues, Coltrane era jazz, old school punk, the Clash was a better band than the Pistols, in case you didn't know. Tom Waits is the best musician alive today. Johnny Cash was a god. Most everything really...
I read voraciously anything that crosses my hands...
I'm a regular guy.
He trotted off to take a piss.
I wonder if she taught him new ways to spend time in the john?
After remembering him, and clearing away that nagging feeling, I'm overcome by a sense of relief that I feel out of place.
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-08 04:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
more like these
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2008-05-30 15:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Correction. Movies were $1.75 Canadian and you were always obese.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-16 18:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-15 19:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-01 02:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meaning I probably raised your rating by going through them all.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-01 02:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meaning all underoath past ratings have been banned.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-11-01 02:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Third best post ever at the moment.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-01-26 12:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. A lot.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-01-23 09:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:30:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Oxymoron (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:07:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Where ya from Scourge? Sounds like some of the dipshits (no pun intended...well not really) that reside around J street and Capital Mall here in Sac.
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Springfield, Illinois, as the capital of the State my job demands I live here. But I do spend a lot of time in Chicago, maybe a third of my life.
Submitted by Oxymoron (user info) at 2006-01-20 14:07:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where ya from Scourge? Sounds like some of the dipshits (no pun intended...well not really) that reside around J street and Capital Mall here in Sac.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-20 13:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
totally agree, cash was a god. too bad there wasn't some way to make her eat her shit.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-12 13:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
h my gosh! It's the son of our lord! Jesus Voltage! He has come to undo all the damage that minimumdino has done!
"My son, bask in my glory. For I am the Onstar that will lead you to salvation. I am the mapquest that knows the way to heaven. And I got a bitchin +2 here for ya."
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 20:01:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you fag of course u dabble with shit
how else would you have sex?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-01-10 13:29:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-10 04:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:02:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow just wow.
I used to waitress, and there was a fair share of peanut butter and jelly sammitches pasted to the walls. This is what my dad lovingly refers to as maxi pads.
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Just how often does this sort of thing happen?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-01-09 23:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sickened, and yet strangely aroused by this story...
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2006-01-09 21:13:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this definitely beats the kid shoving his shit under the edge of the urinal
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-09 17:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now thats some funny shit.
Why couldn't you have brought up a scat conversation when he got back though?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-01-09 17:29:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:05:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your writing style. Keep it up.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was eating while I read this, so I should really be giving you a -2 here. But it was too damn funny and good to give it anything but a +2.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:37:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you so much! I'm glad that my writing inspired you to sign up and post your stories. They are fantastic and I urge you to keep them coming. It makes me happy to know that even though my writing isn't the best, people still enjoy reading it and that joy inspires them to write their own stories.
Now, I think we need to have internet sex.
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Haha
I'm game!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:06:57 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:58:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and you're extremely underrated on this site.
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Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:57:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I absolutely love the way you write.
---------------------------
Thanks. This is high praise coming from you. Your stuff is one of the reasons I finally signed up and started posting after lurking for the better part of a year. I appreciate it.
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Thank you so much! I'm glad that my writing inspired you to sign up and post your stories. They are fantastic and I urge you to keep them coming. It makes me happy to know that even though my writing isn't the best, people still enjoy reading it and that joy inspires them to write their own stories.
Now, I think we need to have internet sex.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:34:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:21:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant and entertaining on a number of levels, including admitting there is no shame in kicking back with a cold case of PBR at the end of the day.
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Jack, PBR is the most underrated mass produced beer in America. It's the only one I can drink actually. Budweiser tastes like BlackJack chewing gum, Miller is hogpiss in a bottle, bah they're all crap.........
Best part is I get it cheap because the stores can't sell it to anyone else. I'm pretty sure that I'm one of maybe five people who buy it from my neighborhood grocery. I've never seen anyone else picking it out of the case. It may freak me out when I finally do.
$11.99 for the 30 pack case. Can't beat that with a fucking stick.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
don't know how I missed your posts before - I'll get reading....
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:21:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant and entertaining on a number of levels, including admitting there is no shame in kicking back with a cold case of PBR at the end of the day.
The poo-play? Lordy-lordy.
Uber should have a Busted Hall of Fame.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn good..
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are some pretty fucked up people out there. Well written.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this.
Not the post, the shit smearing.
Fortunatly, no-one but me can see this review.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:58:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and you're extremely underrated on this site.
---
I completely agree.
Your writing's descriptive, but not forcefully so. You're direct, but you throw in a lot of accents that completely ground the story you're telling.
It's very conversational, which works when talking about women blissfully playing with their own mudrunnins.
Oh, and appropriate linkwhore: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82051
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:34:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you get this speeding ticket fixed for me?
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:58:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and you're extremely underrated on this site.
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Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:57:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I absolutely love the way you write.
---------------------------
Thanks. This is high praise coming from you. Your stuff is one of the reasons I finally signed up and started posting after lurking for the better part of a year. I appreciate it.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:02:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow just wow.
I used to waitress, and there was a fair share of peanut butter and jelly sammitches pasted to the walls. This is what my dad lovingly refers to as maxi pads.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and you're extremely underrated on this site.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I absolutely love the way you write.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:38:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm feeling generous today...
Is that the French Mr. Hankey?
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:36:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting....
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:35:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:23:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stella!
You live in the States and can get Stella? Where do you live?
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You can get Stella in any larger metro area. At least in the north you can. I live in Springfield, Illinois, not exactly a large metro area,(but as the cap. of Illinois it's a necessity of my job to live here)but we still have it in a few bars. I spend about a third of my time in Chicago and there you can get anything your heart desires...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:31:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's just fucked up.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:29:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i would have liked this better if you were extorting money from them still to this day.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:27:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:23:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stella!
You live in the States and can get Stella? Where do you live?
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I live in PA, some of the Irish bars around here serve Stella on tap.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLEASE tell me it was Rick Santorum.
I think I'd rather be faced with shit every day than to be in forced company with soulless, materialistic assholes.
I like Tom Waits a lot.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stella!
You live in the States and can get Stella? Where do you live?