My Hot Israeli Au Pair...fond, fond memories. (2479 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: memories
Rating: 1.85 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2006-01-09 13:17:14 EST
After I finished high school and before I finished college, I spent my summers working at my town's day camp. Good times, good times. I can't say it required too much use of the brain. All I had to do was keep my 5-year-olds and 5-year-old-minded co-counselors entertained. But I do not write today to discuss all the kids I had at camp. Oh no...
There were good kids and bad kids; hyperactive kids and near-comatose kids; big kids and small kids. One of my kids one summer--we'll call him "Mack"--was bad, hyperctive and particularly small. You might say he was bad and hyperactive because he was so small. Or you might just say he was a little fuckfaced bitch demon. He had such a tiny body and huge head and glasses...looking back, he reminds me of a cross between Chicken Little and the kid from Jerry Maguire. I generally sent him to the "time-out" area in camp once or twice a day. He sucked. On top of that, when I suggested to his mother the one time she came to pick him up that he might be a troublemaker, she went off.
Psycho Mom: "Well did you ever think it's hard for him being smaller than the other kids? Huh? He's tougher than he thinks, you know. I don't appreciate you insinuating that he's a bad kid. How dare you! I should pull him out of camp if you're not going to accomodate him."
Me: "Look, do whatever the hell you want, I'm just giving you a consensus opinion on behalf of the staff here."
PM: "Fine!"
Me: "Fine!"
And she stormed off. Despite this rough encounter, Mack unfortunately continued coming to camp. Between his awful demeanor and his hellish mom, there were no redeeming qualities to this little hell-bastard except...
His "babysitter."
Oh, Dog bless lazy upper middle class housewives that can't take time away from their Pilates to look after their own kids. Every day at the end of camp, I would let my co-counselors direct the lemmings, I mean kids, to their folks. But I held on to Mack. By the neck of his shirt. When his hot "babysitter" with blonde hair and blue eyes would come to pick him up. And she had a great smile, one I felt she reserved for me. Well, at least I hoped. I eventually learned I wasn't too far off.
Throughout the course of that summer her smile devleoped into a "hello" and then a "what is your name again?" and then a "you do a great job with Mack--he really likes you" (I'd hate to know how he treated the ones he hated). She had the sexiest accent as well. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I assumed she was French. I didn't ask or anything, though. All I really talked to her about concerned Mack. But it was just quick conversation--nothing more, nothing less.
On the last Friday of camp, however, she came to pick up Mack and asked me if I wanted to go get some ice cream with them. I was a bit shocked, happy, but mostly pissed, because I had to go work my other part-time job at CVS (pharmacy/convenience store) right after camp. I politely declined, but she smiled nonetheless. I thought that would be the end of the "babysitter." The next day, as I was finishing my shift at the register, I noticed her in line; she was one of the last customers. As I was ringing up her stuff, she asked again if I would go get ice cream with her. This time I was just happy.
As she licked her ice cream off the cone in a (purposely?) sexy way, we finally had a conversation that didn't involve the little shit. I found out her name, "Osi," is the short form of a female Hebrew name I can't remember. I found out she was from Israel, served in the Israeli army (requirement for all?), was 24, had traveled the world and was now an "au pair," a term I somehow had not come across as a 19-year-old camp counselor. Her bright blue eyes were sexier than ever now that I had a close, clear view of them. My penis sent a message to my brain that it would go on strike if we didn't take advantage of this opportunity.
So I asked her out to an actual date the next Saturday night. We got to the movie theater early so we could snag tickets to the cinematic masterpiece that swept the nation that summer. Just kidding, we went to see American Pie 2. But we did have over two hours to spare between buying tickets and the actual showtime. Osi asked if I had any ideas about what we could do in the meantime. My brain almost made me say "hey, I know where we could shoot some pool!" but my penis rightfully commandeered all thinking processes. "Actually, the lake looks nice at night."
I had brought a couple of girls to the town lake before. I had never seen anyone there past 6 or 7 in the evening and it was now 9. And we ran into some fucking Asian students from the nearby college taking pictures. But they knew what was going down, so they giggled and left--immediately. I imagine I was giving off some "I'm horny get the fuck out of here" vibes. From there it was pretty easy. I think I barely managed to say something about how pretty she looked in the moonlight before she tackled me and shoved her tongue down my throat. Emperor Penis was pleased to say the least.
Before long, her shirt was off and her pants were down and kisses and fingers were all over the place. Things were going verrry good. The only difficulty was making sure we didn't get splinters from the dock. Then came the words that will haunt me forever:
Osi: "Tell me what you want to do."
Me: "Huh?"
Osi: "Tell me...anything."
Penis: <fuck her, fuck her, in the ass! fuck her, fuck her, in the ass!>
Me: "Oh...um, I just want to uh, be here with you."
Osi: "Um, all you have to do ees say what you want to do...absolutely anything."
At that point, my brain had gathered enough supporters to sabotage Emperor Penis's Internal Command Center. With my naked body laying on top of hers, my mind decided to become bashful.
Me: "Umm..well, I dunno, I'm down with whatever."
Osi: "Okay."
So we continued making out. She handled my angry penis with her hand and mouth, I did likewise to her. Hardly what could have been. In retrospect, I guess I was embarrassed because to bring a condom, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have cared. Either way, I anticipated future dates to handle all that other business.
We eventually got dressed, went to the movie, and then I dropped her off and we left on amicable terms. She gave me her number, so I figured that was a great sign. What a sweet deal being an au pair. She was young, pretty, had her own room and car provided for her...even her own phone! How great!
I waited a few days and called her up:
Me: "Hi, Osi?"
<unknown>: "No, this is 'Roxanne'."
Me: "Oh, I thought Osi had her own line."
Rox: "No, her phone is on the same line as the rest of the house. Who is this?"
Me: "Uh...her 'friend.'"
Rox: "Yeah, her 'friend' who?"
I was not happy with where this game of knock-knock was going.
Me: "This is Jon, we went on a date the other night."
Rox: "Ohhh, Jon...as in Jon the counselor from camp..."
Me: "Uh, yeah, that's me...so, if you could just let her--"
Rox: "Jon the counselor that gave my Mack a hard time?"
Me: "What? No, I never"
Rox: "Look, you son of a bitch, if how you expect to talk to Osi again, you're mistaken. Does she have your number?"
Me: "Uh, not yet."
Rox: "Not yet? Not ever, you fucking piece of shit! I'm not even going to tell her you called. I'll put a fucking filter on her phone so she never gets to talk to you. How dare you expect to sleep with our au pair after how you treated my baby. Goodbye and fuck off!"
Damn it. I wanted Osi to show me some military moves. Fucking Mack and his psycho mom.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-10 19:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:16:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:00:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:45:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:06:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
She handled my angry penis with her hand and mouth, I did likewise to her.
-------------
What kind of a laydeee was she? A lady boy?
------------------------------
Well...I did likewise to her area, which was pleasantly barren of hair and anything testicular.
-------------------------------------
She was a eunuch?
-----------------------------------------
SHE HAD A BEAUTIFUL SHAVED VAGINA AND IT TASTED GREAT I LOVE EATING KOSHER EVERY NOW AND THEN
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mmm, a nice beef-curtain sammich on pumphernickel with a schmear of man-mayo...delissh!
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-10 14:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe it's good karma...what if you got her pregnant? then you'd have a half-jew on your hands.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-01-10 14:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Scourge, I agree wholeheartedly. I mean, let me be honest, I slightly paraphrased the conversation for the purposes of uber-postage and because I dont' remember it exactly.
She actually, literally said, "Tell me anything." I looked at her. She repeated, "...anything..."
The 2004 ALCS Yankees collapse was the biggest choke in history. Next on the list is Summer of 2001 Me.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-01-10 12:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Osi: "Tell me what you want to do."
Me: "Huh?"
Osi: "Tell me...anything."
Penis: <fuck her, fuck her, in the ass! fuck her, fuck her, in the ass!>
Me: "Oh...um, I just want to uh, be here with you."
Osi: "Um, all you have to do ees say what you want to do...absolutely anything."
This, my sad internet friend, is the definition of lost opportunity. All maledom cries for you and condemns you at the same time.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-01-10 05:14:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor sucker.
On a side note, what is it about foreign chicks that makes them so hot? Honestly, all I have to do is hear an eastern european or Russian girl speak, and I'm hooked.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-01-09 21:03:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't have ever left home.
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-09 20:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Then came the words that will haunt me forever:
Osi: "Tell me what you want to do."
Me: "Huh?"
Osi: "Tell me...anything."
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-01-09 20:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mustve not wanted it enough...seriously. shes a babysitter, she has to be there alone sometime.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2006-01-09 18:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pwned indeed.
If you weren't smart enough to call back at 10 12 2 and 4 on a babysitting day from payphones, you've not mastered the art of getting around a stupid mother figure.
I've dodged more protective mothers when I was in junior high.
Submitted by Doberish (user info) at 2006-01-09 18:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Penis: <fuck her, fuck her, in the ass! fuck her, fuck her, in the ass!>
Me: "Oh...um, I just want to uh, be here with you."
THIS is why you should always just say what you want.
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har cockblocked!
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you make that video I'll +2 all your posts for life!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:18:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Um, my last response should be accompanied by video of me ripping out my hair, jumping threw the window and landing on the West Side highway.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:00:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:45:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:06:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
She handled my angry penis with her hand and mouth, I did likewise to her.
-------------
What kind of a laydeee was she? A lady boy?
------------------------------
Well...I did likewise to her area, which was pleasantly barren of hair and anything testicular.
-------------------------------------
She was a eunuch?
-----------------------------------------
SHE HAD A BEAUTIFUL SHAVED VAGINA AND IT TASTED GREAT I LOVE EATING KOSHER EVERY NOW AND THEN
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She handled my angry penis with her hand and mouth, I did likewise to her.
_________________________
Oh my God, she had a dick?!?
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm serious, she was most likely Mossad.
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2006-01-09 15:00:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:45:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:06:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
She handled my angry penis with her hand and mouth, I did likewise to her.
-------------
What kind of a laydeee was she? A lady boy?
------------------------------
Well...I did likewise to her area, which was pleasantly barren of hair and anything testicular.
-------------------------------------
She was a eunuch?
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:06:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
She handled my angry penis with her hand and mouth, I did likewise to her.
-------------
What kind of a laydeee was she? A lady boy?
------------------------------
Well...I did likewise to her area, which was pleasantly barren of hair and anything testicular.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She handled my angry penis with her hand and mouth, I did likewise to her.
-------------
What kind of a laydeee was she? A lady boy?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have shown her your Wailing Ball.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:40:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We do make us some hot chicks, don't we?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:27:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
You realise she was Mossad right
----
Yeah it's best you didn't fuck her. She would have ended up getting you killed.
Am I the only one who finds the Mossad creepy? A group of people who go around the world killing others in the name of Israel. At least when the CIA does it Tom Clancy writes another book.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i had a hot danish one
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that, my friend, sucks
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, women too. I had to ask a couple times just to make sure we were on the same page.
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You realise she was Mossad right
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck dude. Cock block to the max.
Sorry man.
I knew that Israeli GUYS had to serve, I didn't know women did too. Interesting.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-09 13:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You were PWNED via vapid bitch housewife. That sucks.